A-L: Hi, tell me all about Kindergarten.
Sister Maria: Why are you spelling it like we're speaking German? And I'll pass you over to Aila, so she can give you the full report.
A-L: Hi Aila. Tell me everything. How was your first week of Kindergarten?
Aila: Hi. Good. Do you want to talk to my sister?
A-L: I already spoke to Annais. At length. She told me she's wearing a brown dress, and she wants to come visit me, but it's too far away. We've run out of things to say to each other. How was Kindergarten?
Aila: Good. I'm in the quail group and there are roadrunners.
A-L: I guess at Kindergarten in Scotland the groups would be grouse and haggis, maybe. What's your teacher's name?
Aila: Mrs. Crum(b)(p)
A-L: Mrs. Crump?
Aila: No! Mrs. Crumb.
A-L: Oh, Crumb, like bread crumb.
Aila (laughing): Yeah.
A-L: So what does Mrs. Bread-Crumb teach? What did you do all day?
Aila: We had morning snack, and then lunch, and then afternoon snack. And then we learned about earthquakes. When Mrs. Crumb says 'bunny in the hole' we have to get under the desk and cover our heads so we don't bump them. I love you. Bye.
Sister Maria: Hi. Did you get the full report?
A-L: Totally. And I look forward to people Googling 'quail', 'roadrunners' and 'earthquakes', and winding up reading Aila's modern-day, Southern California Kindergarten tale.
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Product Launch
Annais: Mommy, I'm hungry.
Sister Maria: What would you like to eat?
Annais: A Gorilla bar.
Sister Maria: What would you like to eat?
Annais: A Gorilla bar.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
True Story
Pete: Hello, this is Pete.
A-L: Hi Pete. How was the County Fair? Tell me everything. Did Aila and Annais have fun? What did they say? They're so cute. Tell me all the funny things they said.
Pete: Yes, they had a good time.
A-L: What did you see at the Fair? What did Aila and Annais say?
Pete (soundingly faintly annoyed): Oh, we had a great time. We saw the animals, and went down the big slide.
A-L: What animals? Did you see all the art projects? Did they ride the ponies? Were there baby chicks there? And bunnies? What did they say??
Pete: Oh, they loved the animals. They saw the cows and goats and pigs.
A-L: What did they say?
Pete: Oink, oink.
A-L: Hi Pete. How was the County Fair? Tell me everything. Did Aila and Annais have fun? What did they say? They're so cute. Tell me all the funny things they said.
Pete: Yes, they had a good time.
A-L: What did you see at the Fair? What did Aila and Annais say?
Pete (soundingly faintly annoyed): Oh, we had a great time. We saw the animals, and went down the big slide.
A-L: What animals? Did you see all the art projects? Did they ride the ponies? Were there baby chicks there? And bunnies? What did they say??
Pete: Oh, they loved the animals. They saw the cows and goats and pigs.
A-L: What did they say?
Pete: Oink, oink.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
L. Ron Gemma
When Publishing students* go to the London Book Fair...
Gemma: Why is no one speaking to us?
Norette: Uh, probably because we're not offering them thousands for a manuscript, or placing a large order for books, maybe.
Gemma: No, that's not it.
Lady-willing-to-talk-to-students-at-the-London-Book-Fair: Hello, do you have a minute? I'd like to invite you to a reading.
Gemma: Great. Will Paul Auster be there?
LWTTTSATLBF: It'll be a reading from Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard.
Gemma to Norette: Is that the guy from Happy Days?
Norette: Um, no.
LWTTTSATLBF: The reading's this evening.
Gemma: Will the author be there?
LWTTTSATLBF: No, he died in 1986.
Gemma: Oh, so he'll be there in spirit.
Gemma: Why is no one speaking to us?
Norette: Uh, probably because we're not offering them thousands for a manuscript, or placing a large order for books, maybe.
Gemma: No, that's not it.
Lady-willing-to-talk-to-students-at-the-London-Book-Fair: Hello, do you have a minute? I'd like to invite you to a reading.
Gemma: Great. Will Paul Auster be there?
LWTTTSATLBF: It'll be a reading from Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard.
Gemma to Norette: Is that the guy from Happy Days?
Norette: Um, no.
LWTTTSATLBF: The reading's this evening.
Gemma: Will the author be there?
LWTTTSATLBF: No, he died in 1986.
Gemma: Oh, so he'll be there in spirit.
*now known as "the Publishing Ladies"
Bus Trip
On a recent bus trip from Edinburgh to Inverness, Ellie, Gemma and I were seated near some Austrians. Here's how the conversation went:
A-L: Where are you going?
Austrian 1: We are going to Inverness on a houseboating trip.
A-L: Great. The six of us will have a great time.
Austrian 2: Uh...
Gemma to me: Someone stole his sense of humour.
A-L: I lived in Austria for ten months, so now I'm going to speak at you in broken German alternating with English in a German/Austrian accent.
Austrian 2: Uh...
A-L: Let's talk about Austria. What's happening there?
And then I was possessed by an evil troll who made me ask: How's Josef Fritzl?
Austrian 1: Uh.
A-L: Sorry, I don't know what evil troll possessed me to ask that.
Austrian 1: Oh, that's ok, he's the most famous Austrian.
A-L: Uh, not really. Julie Andrews is the most famous Austrian.
A-L: Where are you going?
Austrian 1: We are going to Inverness on a houseboating trip.
A-L: Great. The six of us will have a great time.
Austrian 2: Uh...
Gemma to me: Someone stole his sense of humour.
A-L: I lived in Austria for ten months, so now I'm going to speak at you in broken German alternating with English in a German/Austrian accent.
Austrian 2: Uh...
A-L: Let's talk about Austria. What's happening there?
And then I was possessed by an evil troll who made me ask: How's Josef Fritzl?
Austrian 1: Uh.
A-L: Sorry, I don't know what evil troll possessed me to ask that.
Austrian 1: Oh, that's ok, he's the most famous Austrian.
A-L: Uh, not really. Julie Andrews is the most famous Austrian.
Monday, August 04, 2008
Saturday, August 02, 2008
The Ted & Kitty Show
Let's face it folks, this blog is nothing more than a vehicle for Ted & Kitty to promote themselves. They've had a free ride for long enough. So, I'm splitting up the act. This December, after three and half years in the same flat, Ted and Kitty are parting ways. Kitty is moving to the States. To the west coast. For a while. Further information forthcoming. Kitty's invited me to join her, and we're flying out to L.A. on December 19th.
So, if you've never seen the comedy stylings of Ted & Kitty live, you have four and half months to do so. Shows daily, except Sundays.
So, if you've never seen the comedy stylings of Ted & Kitty live, you have four and half months to do so. Shows daily, except Sundays.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Sunday, July 06, 2008
Chu Lia
And like a gift from heaven, temporary Chinese flatmate Julia (probably not her real name) has been dropped into my life. I returned to Edinburgh yesterday from my trip to the surface of the sun (Coachella) to find the living room strewn with personal effects. Kitty was curled up on a tourist map of the Highlands, reading a Chinese/English dictionary. She glared at me, snapped her fingers, and Julia appeared. Julia wears mismatched pajamas all day. Except when she goes outside. In an attempt to be hospitable, I’ve been wearing pajamas since I returned. I’ve made the jetlag rookie move of sleeping when you’re tired, ie: all day. I woke up today at 6 p.m., just in time for Julia to cook me a delicious stir fry breakfast. She tells me she’s not a very good cook, and back home in China her family only lets her do the dishes. I let her do both. She makes a mean garlic, ham, cabbage stir fry. It went really well with my morning coffee. And just when I was wondering if Julia would be of any use to me, she told me she’d like to go to France, and visit Disneyland Paris. “I want to dance with Mickey Mouse.”
Unfortunately Julia’s leaving on Tuesday.
Unfortunately Julia’s leaving on Tuesday.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Menu Planning
Sister Maria: We're bbq-ing for Fourth of July right?
Grandbrother Hector: Yes, I was thinking we could get some hot dogs and grill some chicken.
Sister Maria: Can we get those really good Frankfurters?
G’bro Hector: Um no. What’s wrong with you? I’m not cooking German sausage on Fourth of July. You can save that for your D-Day bbq.
Grandbrother Hector: Yes, I was thinking we could get some hot dogs and grill some chicken.
Sister Maria: Can we get those really good Frankfurters?
G’bro Hector: Um no. What’s wrong with you? I’m not cooking German sausage on Fourth of July. You can save that for your D-Day bbq.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Good News/Bad News
Sara, Brad, I have good news and bad news. The good news is there are some nice photos from the wedding. The bad news is that this is the best one: 
$1 to the writer of the best caption.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Sweetness to the One-Millionth Power
Sunday morning, E-A-R-L-Y...
Annais: A-L, I am so happy to see you.
And then I melted...
Annais: A-L, I am so happy to see you.
And then I melted...
Monday, June 16, 2008
Ninety, Two Hundred Ten
Just so I can have *more* Polish people in my life, I tutor Jacek in English once a week. This evening one of the stories in his workbook mentioned Beverly Hills.
Jacek: You know Beverly Hills Ninety, Two-Hundred-Ten?
A-L: Of course I do.
I think it's near Melrose Plaice
Jacek: You know Beverly Hills Ninety, Two-Hundred-Ten?
A-L: Of course I do.
I think it's near Melrose Plaice
Monday, June 02, 2008
Elusive Niece
Telephone Conversation with Annais:
A-L: Hi Annais.
Annais: Hi A-L. What's your phone number?
A-L: I'll give you my mobile number. But remember you have to dial +011 and then the country code, and you drop the zero. What's your phone number?
Annais: 1-2-3-4
A-L: Hi Annais.
Annais: Hi A-L. What's your phone number?
A-L: I'll give you my mobile number. But remember you have to dial +011 and then the country code, and you drop the zero. What's your phone number?
Annais: 1-2-3-4
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Ted at the Health Club
Ted was home in Poland for two and half weeks, and arrived back in Edinburgh on Friday. Which means there are now 55 kilos of Polish sausage in our refrigerator. "Pig", he keeps telling me. I think he means "pork".
So on Saturday morning I asked Ted if he wanted to go with me to my gym, as a guest, so he could soak in the jacuzzi.
Ted: Jacuzzi? Fantastic.
A-L: I'll take that as a yes.
Ted: 15 minutes.
And then he has a conference with Justyna behind closed doors. And comes back to me and says, "maybe problem." So I summon him back to Justyna's room so she can translate and help me understand what the "maybe problem" is.
Turns out he's nervous about the situation because he's never been to a gym. So I explain to Justyna the order of operations, and she translates. He seems happy with the explanation.
Ted: 15 minutes. Ok?
A-L: Let's go now.
Ted: Shave first.
A-L: You can shave at the gym.
Ted disappears into the bathroom, for ages. Ages. And then I hear the shower start.
A-L: What is he doing? He can take a shower at the gym, AFTER we go in the jacuzzi.
Justyna: Is this my first speaking part on your blog?
A-L: It'll be your last if you don't stick to the script. Why is he showering?
Justyna: It's a basic principle - you shower and get ready before you leave the house, no matter where you are going.
So Ted finally is ready: collared shirt, suede jacket, nice trousers. We arrive at the gym, which is accessed by a swipe card, and ascend the dark steel staircase. It's a bit like going into a secret lair, if you're Ted. He indicates he's nervous, by showing his heart is pounding. So we check in, and get towels. And then, it takes me 15, maybe 17, minutes to explain that he has to change in the men's locker room, which you enter by a door from the workout area, and then exit down to the pool through another door and an internal hallway.
Hallway, internal, access, and second are all words Ted doesn't know. And then he seems confused about where he's supposed to change. Uh oh.
Ted: Where get dressed?
A-L: In the men's locker room, Ted. Not on the treadmill. Or in the internal hallway.
Ted: Key?
A-L: There's a token that you have to insert in the coin slot, which releases the key. I'm going to change. I'll see you in the jacuzzi.
So I'm in the jacuzzi long enough to make friends with a couple from London, and Ted still isn't down at the pool area. I explain to them why I keep looking towards the entrance, and how I'm a little worried that I've lost a Pole in the bowels of Escape Health Club. And then Ted swans down the stairs, with a towel wrapped tightly around his waist.
Uh oh. It's not that kind of jacuzzi party. This isn't Dave and Caroline's.
I look alarmed. Ted looks and me and my new best friends, and says "oh". He looks sheepish. He does an about face, and heads back towards the stairs. And then he takes his towel off to reveal: the shorts I leant him to wear in the jacuzzi.
We jacuzzied, swam, saunaed, lounged on the lounge chairs. All went well. On the walk home Ted said "jacuzzi first time, 33 years old."
So on Saturday morning I asked Ted if he wanted to go with me to my gym, as a guest, so he could soak in the jacuzzi.
Ted: Jacuzzi? Fantastic.
A-L: I'll take that as a yes.
Ted: 15 minutes.
And then he has a conference with Justyna behind closed doors. And comes back to me and says, "maybe problem." So I summon him back to Justyna's room so she can translate and help me understand what the "maybe problem" is.
Turns out he's nervous about the situation because he's never been to a gym. So I explain to Justyna the order of operations, and she translates. He seems happy with the explanation.
Ted: 15 minutes. Ok?
A-L: Let's go now.
Ted: Shave first.
A-L: You can shave at the gym.
Ted disappears into the bathroom, for ages. Ages. And then I hear the shower start.
A-L: What is he doing? He can take a shower at the gym, AFTER we go in the jacuzzi.
Justyna: Is this my first speaking part on your blog?
A-L: It'll be your last if you don't stick to the script. Why is he showering?
Justyna: It's a basic principle - you shower and get ready before you leave the house, no matter where you are going.
So Ted finally is ready: collared shirt, suede jacket, nice trousers. We arrive at the gym, which is accessed by a swipe card, and ascend the dark steel staircase. It's a bit like going into a secret lair, if you're Ted. He indicates he's nervous, by showing his heart is pounding. So we check in, and get towels. And then, it takes me 15, maybe 17, minutes to explain that he has to change in the men's locker room, which you enter by a door from the workout area, and then exit down to the pool through another door and an internal hallway.
Hallway, internal, access, and second are all words Ted doesn't know. And then he seems confused about where he's supposed to change. Uh oh.
Ted: Where get dressed?
A-L: In the men's locker room, Ted. Not on the treadmill. Or in the internal hallway.
Ted: Key?
A-L: There's a token that you have to insert in the coin slot, which releases the key. I'm going to change. I'll see you in the jacuzzi.
So I'm in the jacuzzi long enough to make friends with a couple from London, and Ted still isn't down at the pool area. I explain to them why I keep looking towards the entrance, and how I'm a little worried that I've lost a Pole in the bowels of Escape Health Club. And then Ted swans down the stairs, with a towel wrapped tightly around his waist.
Uh oh. It's not that kind of jacuzzi party. This isn't Dave and Caroline's.
I look alarmed. Ted looks and me and my new best friends, and says "oh". He looks sheepish. He does an about face, and heads back towards the stairs. And then he takes his towel off to reveal: the shorts I leant him to wear in the jacuzzi.
We jacuzzied, swam, saunaed, lounged on the lounge chairs. All went well. On the walk home Ted said "jacuzzi first time, 33 years old."
Monday, March 24, 2008
Caroline & Dave's Baby
Welcome Anneke, aka "Big Dutch Baby".
And it seems the mother's contact with coyote urine while pregnant means Anneke won't pee in the yard, or the pool.
And it seems the mother's contact with coyote urine while pregnant means Anneke won't pee in the yard, or the pool.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Report from Coachella
Below is a report from Sister Maria. She's disguised here as 'Mommy'.
Last night I was putting Aila and Annais to bed, and the following conversation took place:
Aila: Mommy, I will love you forever. I will love Daddy forever too.
Mommy: We will love you forever & ever too!
Aila: But when I grow up I’m going to have to go away, and I’ll miss you so much.
Mommy: You can stay with us for as long as you like!
Annais: Yeah, I have to go away when I’m big too.
Mommy: Please stay a little bit longer.
Annais: No, I have to go. I’ll miss you.
Mommy: Where are you going to go?
~ long pause ~
Annais: I’m going to go to Costco.
Last night I was putting Aila and Annais to bed, and the following conversation took place:
Aila: Mommy, I will love you forever. I will love Daddy forever too.
Mommy: We will love you forever & ever too!
Aila: But when I grow up I’m going to have to go away, and I’ll miss you so much.
Mommy: You can stay with us for as long as you like!
Annais: Yeah, I have to go away when I’m big too.
Mommy: Please stay a little bit longer.
Annais: No, I have to go. I’ll miss you.
Mommy: Where are you going to go?
~ long pause ~
Annais: I’m going to go to Costco.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Near Cat-astrophe
Let me set the scene for you. That's what I'm here for.
Saturday. Ted arrives back at the flat from the nightshift around 9:30 a.m. Kitty has a vet appointment at 10:20 a.m. (Why she made a Saturday morning appointment is beyond me.)
Getting Kitty to Dundas Veterinary (a 3-minute walk from the flat) means capturing Kitty, placing her in vet-supplied cardboard box with air holes, and closing the super-complicated lid. This requires twelve hands.
A-L: Ted, please help me. Kitty needs to go to the doctor.
No answer.
A-L: Ted, can you help me?
Ted: Keys. Where are keys?
A-L: Nevermind the keys. I have keys. Please help me place this flailing cat into the flimsy cardboard box (with air holes), and close the super complicated lid 'system'.
Ted is waaaay too laid back at first, and is AMAZED at how Kitty can squeeze herself out through the teeniest of tiniest spaces, many times over.
Five minutes later, and Kitty is contained. And mewing. Not meowing.
A-L: Let's go.
Ted grabs the cat in a box. I close the front door. And then shake my handbag to confirm that I have keys. This is the incorrect order of operations.
No keys. Ted, Kitty and I are now locked out of the flat. Justyna is gone hillwalking for the day. Super. Can we sit in the pub all day, with a mewing cat in a box? Ted's just back from a nightshift, and presumably doesn't want to take cat in a box on a walking tour of Edinburgh, although it is a lovely day. Friend and expert cat-sitter, Gordon, has a set of keys but is still in Morocco, I think.
So we ignore the problem at hand, and walk to the vet's office.
Vet: Oh, she's beautiful. (As Kitty pretends to be normal and loving, and allows Ted to pet her head as the vet takes her heartbeat.)
A-L: Can you tell if she's autistic or passive-aggressive by her heartbeat?
Vet: She's so affectionate.
A-L: Yes, she's always like this. Around trained professionals. Did you find a heartbeat? Because I'm convinced she's a robot of some sort.
Vet: Look at that sweet face.
A-L: That's a hologram.
Vet: She has beautiful teeth. Usually by this age they're covered in tartar.
A-L: Ted brushes them, with Justyna's toothbrush.
Vet: Well, she's very healthy. I can tell she's loved and cared for.
A-L: Yeah, that's why we brought her here in a box. Do you happen to have keys to our flat?
Vet: See you next time. Bye Kitty.
Turns out Gordon was back from Morocco, so Ted, cat in a box, and I got back in. But if he had still been away, this could have been a *really* interesting story. Justyna and Guiseppe didn't get home until 11 p.m.
Kitty now has her own set of keys.
Saturday. Ted arrives back at the flat from the nightshift around 9:30 a.m. Kitty has a vet appointment at 10:20 a.m. (Why she made a Saturday morning appointment is beyond me.)
Getting Kitty to Dundas Veterinary (a 3-minute walk from the flat) means capturing Kitty, placing her in vet-supplied cardboard box with air holes, and closing the super-complicated lid. This requires twelve hands.
A-L: Ted, please help me. Kitty needs to go to the doctor.
No answer.
A-L: Ted, can you help me?
Ted: Keys. Where are keys?
A-L: Nevermind the keys. I have keys. Please help me place this flailing cat into the flimsy cardboard box (with air holes), and close the super complicated lid 'system'.
Ted is waaaay too laid back at first, and is AMAZED at how Kitty can squeeze herself out through the teeniest of tiniest spaces, many times over.
Five minutes later, and Kitty is contained. And mewing. Not meowing.
A-L: Let's go.
Ted grabs the cat in a box. I close the front door. And then shake my handbag to confirm that I have keys. This is the incorrect order of operations.
No keys. Ted, Kitty and I are now locked out of the flat. Justyna is gone hillwalking for the day. Super. Can we sit in the pub all day, with a mewing cat in a box? Ted's just back from a nightshift, and presumably doesn't want to take cat in a box on a walking tour of Edinburgh, although it is a lovely day. Friend and expert cat-sitter, Gordon, has a set of keys but is still in Morocco, I think.
So we ignore the problem at hand, and walk to the vet's office.
Vet: Oh, she's beautiful. (As Kitty pretends to be normal and loving, and allows Ted to pet her head as the vet takes her heartbeat.)
A-L: Can you tell if she's autistic or passive-aggressive by her heartbeat?
Vet: She's so affectionate.
A-L: Yes, she's always like this. Around trained professionals. Did you find a heartbeat? Because I'm convinced she's a robot of some sort.
Vet: Look at that sweet face.
A-L: That's a hologram.
Vet: She has beautiful teeth. Usually by this age they're covered in tartar.
A-L: Ted brushes them, with Justyna's toothbrush.
Vet: Well, she's very healthy. I can tell she's loved and cared for.
A-L: Yeah, that's why we brought her here in a box. Do you happen to have keys to our flat?
Vet: See you next time. Bye Kitty.
Turns out Gordon was back from Morocco, so Ted, cat in a box, and I got back in. But if he had still been away, this could have been a *really* interesting story. Justyna and Guiseppe didn't get home until 11 p.m.
Kitty now has her own set of keys.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Country Roads
Last Saturday Ted and I were homesick, so I introduced him to an old friend: John Denver. We played the Greatest Hits album. We turned the stereo waaaay up. Waaay too loud for a Saturday at 11 a.m. Ted loved it.
How is it that John Denver's music can speak to/resonate with a 33-year-old Polish man living in Scotland? And then I recalled something my friend Brad said a couple months ago, "Poland is the West Virginia of Europe." Ah, of course.
I haven't told Ted yet that John Denver is no longer with us.
How is it that John Denver's music can speak to/resonate with a 33-year-old Polish man living in Scotland? And then I recalled something my friend Brad said a couple months ago, "Poland is the West Virginia of Europe." Ah, of course.
I haven't told Ted yet that John Denver is no longer with us.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
The Raccoon Whisperer
Caroline: The raccoons have started tagging the back yard fence, and Dave found a dead possum in the pool.
A-L: Are these two events connected?
Caroline: Classic raccoon mob tactics.
A-L: Why get a possum involved?
Caroline: It's a ruse.
A-L: What are they trying to do? Claim the backyard with the pool, hot tub and BBQ as their own? Are they trying to drive you out? Could it be that they're attracted by the coyote urine?
Caroline: As far as I'm aware raccoons and coyotes are not natural allies in the wild.
A-L: Maybe the raccoons are daredevils, and they're looking for a fight. They obviously have no mercy. They've sacrificed a possum. Is Dave going to clean the pool? And wouldn't coyote urine attract coyotes?
stay tuned...
A-L: Are these two events connected?
Caroline: Classic raccoon mob tactics.
A-L: Why get a possum involved?
Caroline: It's a ruse.
A-L: What are they trying to do? Claim the backyard with the pool, hot tub and BBQ as their own? Are they trying to drive you out? Could it be that they're attracted by the coyote urine?
Caroline: As far as I'm aware raccoons and coyotes are not natural allies in the wild.
A-L: Maybe the raccoons are daredevils, and they're looking for a fight. They obviously have no mercy. They've sacrificed a possum. Is Dave going to clean the pool? And wouldn't coyote urine attract coyotes?
stay tuned...
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
The Cat Whisperer
Via Messenger (actual transcript):
A-L: Hi Caroline. How are you? How's pregnant married life?
Caroline: Great. We hired a cat therapist.
A-L: Because the cats threw up on your cat self-help book Think Like a Cat?
Caroline: No, there was a whole lotta cat pee goin' on. In the house. So we paid for a telephone consultation with a cat therapist. Turns out coyote urine (available from G.I. Joes.) does the trick.
A-L: Wow. I couldn't make this stuff up.
Caroline: At first we thought it was just Cujo peeing everywhere, but then, while we were on the phone with the cat therapist, Zoe backed up to my closet and peed with impunity!
A-L: What does impunity mean? And where does the coyote urine factor in? Was there some weird poolside baptism? I can double-check with my mom, but I don't think pregnant women are supposed to handle coyote urine. Maybe your baby will have paws.
Caroline: Well, it turns out that Cujo and Zoe were getting upset by all the other cats they could see (through the window) that were coming into our yard, so they were marking their territory. Only inside.
A-L: How many other cats were in the yard?
Caroline: Well, we live on a corner. So it's a crossroads. There's quite a line-up of perpetrators, such as Gray Kitty, Fluffy Gray Kitty, Fake Steve, Fluffy Steve, uh...
A-L: Who's Fake Steve?
Caroline: The cat that looks like Brian and Ashleigh's cat Steve.
A-L: Of course. Why were they all drawn to your yard? The hot tub?
Caroline: That's why the raccoons visit. It's a raccoon swingers' bar come nightfall. Which is a whole 'nother story.
A-L: So, where does the coyote urine factor in?
Caroline: The Cat Therapist said to spray it around the yard to keep the other cats out.
A-L: Of course. It all makes sense. But secretly I wish there had been some weird full-moon coyote urine baptism pot luck. Kitty has the perfect outfit for it.
A-L: Hi Caroline. How are you? How's pregnant married life?
Caroline: Great. We hired a cat therapist.
A-L: Because the cats threw up on your cat self-help book Think Like a Cat?
Caroline: No, there was a whole lotta cat pee goin' on. In the house. So we paid for a telephone consultation with a cat therapist. Turns out coyote urine (available from G.I. Joes.) does the trick.
A-L: Wow. I couldn't make this stuff up.
Caroline: At first we thought it was just Cujo peeing everywhere, but then, while we were on the phone with the cat therapist, Zoe backed up to my closet and peed with impunity!
A-L: What does impunity mean? And where does the coyote urine factor in? Was there some weird poolside baptism? I can double-check with my mom, but I don't think pregnant women are supposed to handle coyote urine. Maybe your baby will have paws.
Caroline: Well, it turns out that Cujo and Zoe were getting upset by all the other cats they could see (through the window) that were coming into our yard, so they were marking their territory. Only inside.
A-L: How many other cats were in the yard?
Caroline: Well, we live on a corner. So it's a crossroads. There's quite a line-up of perpetrators, such as Gray Kitty, Fluffy Gray Kitty, Fake Steve, Fluffy Steve, uh...
A-L: Who's Fake Steve?
Caroline: The cat that looks like Brian and Ashleigh's cat Steve.
A-L: Of course. Why were they all drawn to your yard? The hot tub?
Caroline: That's why the raccoons visit. It's a raccoon swingers' bar come nightfall. Which is a whole 'nother story.
A-L: So, where does the coyote urine factor in?
Caroline: The Cat Therapist said to spray it around the yard to keep the other cats out.
A-L: Of course. It all makes sense. But secretly I wish there had been some weird full-moon coyote urine baptism pot luck. Kitty has the perfect outfit for it.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
The Gospel According to Snoopy
In church, on Christmas Eve...
Pastor is reading from Luke 2: 1-20, the story of the birth of Jesus, which includes this passage:
11Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. 12This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."
Aila: Mom, mom, that's from Charlie Brown*!
Insert raucous laughter from A-L and Sister Maria.
*A Charlie Brown Christmas
Pastor is reading from Luke 2: 1-20, the story of the birth of Jesus, which includes this passage:
11Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. 12This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."
Aila: Mom, mom, that's from Charlie Brown*!
Insert raucous laughter from A-L and Sister Maria.
*A Charlie Brown Christmas
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Car Talk with Irma, Aila & Annais
Almost as funny as Car Talk, are the telephone conversations Irma has with Aila and Annais when they're in the car on the way home from day care.
Irma: Hi Aila, how are you?
Aila: Hi Momma, I'm fine.
Irma: Did you have a good day?
Aila: Yes, I had fun at Gloria's house. We sang songs.
Irma: What did you sing?
Aila: "Away in a Manger"
And then she sang Irma the first verse of "Away in a Manger", paused, and said, "You know Momma, it's a very long song."
Irma: Hi Aila, how are you?
Aila: Hi Momma, I'm fine.
Irma: Did you have a good day?
Aila: Yes, I had fun at Gloria's house. We sang songs.
Irma: What did you sing?
Aila: "Away in a Manger"
And then she sang Irma the first verse of "Away in a Manger", paused, and said, "You know Momma, it's a very long song."
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Carry On
A-L: Hello.
Pete: Can you fit a snowsuit in your carry-on luggage?
A-L: Who is this?
Pete: It's your mother's boyfriend, the grandfather of the butternut squash.
A-L: Oh, my travel agent. How are ya, Pete?
Pete: Good, but answer the question. Can you fit a snowsuit in your carry-on luggage?
A-L: For what? Am I doing stand-up in business class?
Pete: No, you might need in it Newark, especially if you're spending Christmas there.
A-L: Why have you booked me through Newark? And who in New Jersey has invited me over for Christmas dinner?
Pete: Well, if you'll recall, you booked yourself through Newark. You know I'D never put you on Continental. And there are snowstorms scheduled for Newark.
A-L: I know, it was another rookie move booking a return flight through Newark in December. I'm sure it'll be fine though.
Pete: Did Irma tell you you only have an hour to change flights? She's worried you'll end up staying in New Jersey.
A-L: Forever? Do we have any cousins there?
Pete: Let me check. Hang on, Irma wants to speak to you.
Irma: Hi, A-L. Have you seen the news? They're expecting snowstorms in New Jersey right when you're landing. And you only have an hour to change planes. I hope you make it home for Christmas. It would be terrible if you got stuck in New Jersey.
Pete: Can you fit a snowsuit in your carry-on luggage?
A-L: Who is this?
Pete: It's your mother's boyfriend, the grandfather of the butternut squash.
A-L: Oh, my travel agent. How are ya, Pete?
Pete: Good, but answer the question. Can you fit a snowsuit in your carry-on luggage?
A-L: For what? Am I doing stand-up in business class?
Pete: No, you might need in it Newark, especially if you're spending Christmas there.
A-L: Why have you booked me through Newark? And who in New Jersey has invited me over for Christmas dinner?
Pete: Well, if you'll recall, you booked yourself through Newark. You know I'D never put you on Continental. And there are snowstorms scheduled for Newark.
A-L: I know, it was another rookie move booking a return flight through Newark in December. I'm sure it'll be fine though.
Pete: Did Irma tell you you only have an hour to change flights? She's worried you'll end up staying in New Jersey.
A-L: Forever? Do we have any cousins there?
Pete: Let me check. Hang on, Irma wants to speak to you.
Irma: Hi, A-L. Have you seen the news? They're expecting snowstorms in New Jersey right when you're landing. And you only have an hour to change planes. I hope you make it home for Christmas. It would be terrible if you got stuck in New Jersey.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Name that Gourd
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I don't think that's technically a pumpkin, or a 'punkin' as Sister Maria called it. It looks a bit more like a butternut squash.Friday, October 19, 2007
More English Lessons
Ted came home from work on Thursday morning (as I was heading to work) in an exceptionally good mood. I thought it was appropriate to bid him farewell with "see you later, alligator", which required a quick game of charades (with my arms playing the role of the alligator's mouth) and a look in the Polish/English dictionary. And then I of course had to introduce the phrase "in a while, crocodile."
We haven't had a chance to practice the exchange, but I'll let you know when Ted's passed the exam. Here's the Answer Key-
A-L: See you later, alligator.
Ted: In a while, crocodile.
We haven't had a chance to practice the exchange, but I'll let you know when Ted's passed the exam. Here's the Answer Key-
A-L: See you later, alligator.
Ted: In a while, crocodile.
Geography
Report from Sister Maria:
This morning in the car on the way to Gloria's, Aila said: "I don't want to go to Spain when I'm 5. I want to go to the big school."
So I responded with "There are big schools in Spain, and besides when we go to Spain we'll be closer to Anna Lisa."
My little geography girl replied: "Anna Lisa lives in Scotland, not Spain!"
I stand corrected.
So I responded with "There are big schools in Spain, and besides when we go to Spain we'll be closer to Anna Lisa."
My little geography girl replied: "Anna Lisa lives in Scotland, not Spain!"
I stand corrected.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Airport Journey
Last Thursday morning I escorted Ted to the airport. He was heading back to Poland for two weeks to visit his wife and kids, and was quite worried about going to the airport alone, and figuring out where to check in, etc.
But I wasn't being totally selfless. I didn't get up an hour early just so I could help Ted, and make sure he got on his flight ok. I was banking on the fact that on the journey between the flat and the airport, he would say something hilarious, like 'grandbrother' or 'sister-in-love' or 'tennis problem'.
No such luck. Ted's English is getting too good. I might have to exchange him. Mr. Squirrel said 'Kitty problem' last night (because he thought Kitty was confused by the fact that he had built a shelf above her litter tray), so I suppose he's thrown his hat in the ring. And as an added bonus, Mrs. Squirrel is a darn good cook.
Ted, redeem yourself.
But I wasn't being totally selfless. I didn't get up an hour early just so I could help Ted, and make sure he got on his flight ok. I was banking on the fact that on the journey between the flat and the airport, he would say something hilarious, like 'grandbrother' or 'sister-in-love' or 'tennis problem'.
No such luck. Ted's English is getting too good. I might have to exchange him. Mr. Squirrel said 'Kitty problem' last night (because he thought Kitty was confused by the fact that he had built a shelf above her litter tray), so I suppose he's thrown his hat in the ring. And as an added bonus, Mrs. Squirrel is a darn good cook.
Ted, redeem yourself.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Mr. & Mrs. Squirrel Come to Town
Flatmate Justyna's parents are here from Poland, for 10 days. They don't really speak English, so we speak the international language of vodka and cured meats. It turns out their last name is Polish for 'squirrel', which is probably why Kitty has adopted Mr. Squirrel as her foster mother.
Conversation, via interpreter Justyna, which took place after I caught Mr. Squirrel feeding Kitty pieces of pork off his plate...
A-L: She's for sale. I have papers to prove she's only had fleas once.
Mr. Squirrel (to Kitty): Oh, you can come back to Poland with me.
(Kitty: I need to be hand-fed cured meat.)
A-L: She doesn't have a passport though.
Mrs. Squirrel: She can be on our family passport. If they question us at the airport, we'll just say "it's two squirrels and a cat."
Two days later, Mrs. Squirrel changes her tune...this time no interpreter was present. A Polski/English dictionary, and lotsa hand signals resulted in this conversation:
Mrs. Squirrel: We saw a sign today, for a missing cat.
A-L: Yeah, I was thinking of copying the layout to make a poster saying I've found a cat.
Mr. Squirrel: The cat on the missing poster looks remarkably like Kitty.
Gordon to A-L: Have you told the Squirrels that Kitty is stolen?
A-L: Pipe down, or you won't get any more speaking lines.
Mrs. Squirrel: By my calculations, that cat is worth 150 GBP.
Gordon to A-L: Mrs. Squirrel just referred to Kitty as 'that cat'.
A-L: I know, she's lovely. Kitty hates her too.
Conversation, via interpreter Justyna, which took place after I caught Mr. Squirrel feeding Kitty pieces of pork off his plate...
A-L: She's for sale. I have papers to prove she's only had fleas once.
Mr. Squirrel (to Kitty): Oh, you can come back to Poland with me.
(Kitty: I need to be hand-fed cured meat.)
A-L: She doesn't have a passport though.
Mrs. Squirrel: She can be on our family passport. If they question us at the airport, we'll just say "it's two squirrels and a cat."
Two days later, Mrs. Squirrel changes her tune...this time no interpreter was present. A Polski/English dictionary, and lotsa hand signals resulted in this conversation:
Mrs. Squirrel: We saw a sign today, for a missing cat.
A-L: Yeah, I was thinking of copying the layout to make a poster saying I've found a cat.
Mr. Squirrel: The cat on the missing poster looks remarkably like Kitty.
Gordon to A-L: Have you told the Squirrels that Kitty is stolen?
A-L: Pipe down, or you won't get any more speaking lines.
Mrs. Squirrel: By my calculations, that cat is worth 150 GBP.
Gordon to A-L: Mrs. Squirrel just referred to Kitty as 'that cat'.
A-L: I know, she's lovely. Kitty hates her too.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Demotion
Telephone conversation with Pete...
Pete: Good morning, Pete Sandstrum
A-L: My name's not Pete Sandstrum. But good morning nonetheless. What's up?
Pete: Not much, just doing some paperwork.
A-L: Is that a code word for spider solitaire?
Pete: Hold on, one my seven phones is ringing.
Telephone conversation in the background...
Pete: Good morning, Pete Sandstrum.
(character off stage)
Pete: Yeah, hold on. I've got somebody on the other line. Let me lose that call.
Pete: Good morning, Pete Sandstrum
A-L: My name's not Pete Sandstrum. But good morning nonetheless. What's up?
Pete: Not much, just doing some paperwork.
A-L: Is that a code word for spider solitaire?
Pete: Hold on, one my seven phones is ringing.
Telephone conversation in the background...
Pete: Good morning, Pete Sandstrum.
(character off stage)
Pete: Yeah, hold on. I've got somebody on the other line. Let me lose that call.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Funftzen Minutes of Fame
Two weeks ago, telephone conversation with Sister Maria...
Maria: I'm so excited, more Germans are coming to the hotel.
A-L: Do you want me to get the heavy artillery?
Maria: What's wrong with you? You've been in Britain too long. Have you forgotten how much we love the Germans? Have you forgotten the wonderful childhood we had in Germany (sponsored by G.E.)?
A-L: No, Maria. Of course not. I still walk up to Germans and thank them for hosting us from 1979-1982, and for manufacturing gorgeous cars, and making kitchen cabinets that work. My new food processor is German. It's a work of art. So who are these Germans?
Maria: They're my colleague's clients. I can't wait to speak German to them. There'll be Germans everywhere at the hotel!
A-L: It's your fondest wish. I'm so jealous. Please tell all of them I say hello. Individually.
One week ago, telephone conversation with Peter:
Peter: Maria's going to be in that German T.V. show.
A-L: Maria who? Schriver?
Peter: No, the other Maria. The baby Irma and I had four years before you. The nice one.
A-L: OUR Maria? What German T.V. show?
Peter: She described it as a German version of The Love Boat. She had a speaking part. In German.
Two days ago, telephone conversation with Sister Maria...
Maria: Ohmigosh. You won't believe it. Remember I told you about the Germans who were descending on the hotel? Well, they were a production company. Filming a German T.V. show "Das Traumschiff", and I started speaking to them in German, and they gave me a very small part in this episode.
A-L: Old news. Peter already told me. But that's very cool.
Maria: I had to interrupt a meeting and say, "Herr Direktor Ludwig, Ich brauche sie dringend!". (Director Ludwig, I need you urgently.) They film the show in exotic locations all over the world, like Botswana, and Sri Lanka, and Indian Wells.
Yesterday, conversation with Ted...
A-L: My sister was an extra on a German T.V. show.
Blank look from Ted.
A-L: My sister works at a hotel, and there were...
Ted (interrupting): Oh, hotel. Very good. Where does your grandbrother work?
Maria: I'm so excited, more Germans are coming to the hotel.
A-L: Do you want me to get the heavy artillery?
Maria: What's wrong with you? You've been in Britain too long. Have you forgotten how much we love the Germans? Have you forgotten the wonderful childhood we had in Germany (sponsored by G.E.)?
A-L: No, Maria. Of course not. I still walk up to Germans and thank them for hosting us from 1979-1982, and for manufacturing gorgeous cars, and making kitchen cabinets that work. My new food processor is German. It's a work of art. So who are these Germans?
Maria: They're my colleague's clients. I can't wait to speak German to them. There'll be Germans everywhere at the hotel!
A-L: It's your fondest wish. I'm so jealous. Please tell all of them I say hello. Individually.
One week ago, telephone conversation with Peter:
Peter: Maria's going to be in that German T.V. show.
A-L: Maria who? Schriver?
Peter: No, the other Maria. The baby Irma and I had four years before you. The nice one.
A-L: OUR Maria? What German T.V. show?
Peter: She described it as a German version of The Love Boat. She had a speaking part. In German.
Two days ago, telephone conversation with Sister Maria...
Maria: Ohmigosh. You won't believe it. Remember I told you about the Germans who were descending on the hotel? Well, they were a production company. Filming a German T.V. show "Das Traumschiff", and I started speaking to them in German, and they gave me a very small part in this episode.
A-L: Old news. Peter already told me. But that's very cool.
Maria: I had to interrupt a meeting and say, "Herr Direktor Ludwig, Ich brauche sie dringend!". (Director Ludwig, I need you urgently.) They film the show in exotic locations all over the world, like Botswana, and Sri Lanka, and Indian Wells.
Yesterday, conversation with Ted...
A-L: My sister was an extra on a German T.V. show.
Blank look from Ted.
A-L: My sister works at a hotel, and there were...
Ted (interrupting): Oh, hotel. Very good. Where does your grandbrother work?
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Broken Ted
Outside the flat, Friday evening, after walking home from work I see Ted at the front door, struggling with the key...
A-L: Hi Ted. Are you ok? Why are you having trouble opening the door?
Ted (if he could speak fluent English): I have a gaping wound on my left thumb because the glass panelled door to my bedroom came off its tracks and fell towards me and sliced my thumb open.
Ted: Nothing. I am ok.
A-L: Ted, there's blood everywhere. Your thumb looks awful. We're going to the hospital.
Ted: No.
A-L: Yes, we're going to the hospital.
Ted: NO!
A-L: Umm, I'm in charge of you. Your mom said so. It's not your decision. We're going to the hospital. And, you're getting blood everywhere. Don't get blood on Kitty. She's Dry Clean Only.
Ted: No.
A-L: Ten minutes. Give me ten minutes and I'll be ready to go.
Ted: No.
Justyna and Chris (whose Polish name I can't spell) walk in. Justyna had been looking for Ted, who fled the scene when there were threats of going to the hospital. Chris had bandages with him.
Half an hour later, at Western General Hospital...
Paramedic: Hello, please come this way.
Chris, Ted and I walk over.
Paramedic: Um, do I need all three of you?
A-L: Yes. Ted doesn't speak English fluently, so Chris can translate into Polish, and I'm in charge.
Paramedic (to Ted): Where did this happen?
Ted: Polish.
Raucous laughter from Chris and A-L.
A-L: At our flat.
Paramedic (still making eye contact only with Ted): Are you allergic to any medication?
Ted: 32 years old.
More raucous laughter.
Chris translates, and it turns out Ted's severely allergic to bees. Or wasps. Which aren't strictly a 'medication' as such, but it's handy to know.
Two x-rays later, the verdict is there's no glass embedded in his hand. And then we all get a lesson in tendons (Ted's might be 'nicked', to quote the paramedic), and find out we have to go to the Royal Infirmary, where a hand specialist can look at it.
Chris explains this to Ted, who doesn't want to go to the Royal Infirmary. He doesn't want stitches. He doesn't want to miss work. Ted's on a temporary contract, and doesn't get paid for sick leave. We tell the paramedic that Ted is refusing. So he brings out a book that shows the tendon. And then tells us he's booked a taxi to take us there. The NHS is paying for the taxi. Chris tells Ted this news. And suddenly, Ted's fine with having to go to the Royal Infirmary.
Ted: Taxi, free?
More raucous laughter.
The waiting room at Accident & Emergency at the Royal Infirmary is full. Good thing I brought magazines. And an apple, which the three of us share. Two hours later, Dr. Zoe calls us through. Which leads to more explanations about why Ted has two 'minders' with him: Chris, who can helpfully translate into Polish, and then back to English, and A-L, who can loudly repeat what Dr. Zoe and/or Chris said.
Dr. Z numbs Ted's thumb, digs around a bit, and then calls for a second opinion from another doctor (who subsequently poked himself in the thumb with a needle, "for the first time in my career" - not while tending to Ted - but that's a whole new post), and then another doctor. They decide someone from 'ortho' needs to look at it. Or someone from 'plastics'. So Dr. Z walks out of the room.
Ted: Can we go?
More raucous laughter.
A-L: Ted, one more doctor.
So I divide my time eavesdropping on the 'situation' in the partition to the left of Ted's, where two policeman are questioning a man; the partition on the right of Ted's, where a girl with a 'strained muscle' is wasting the doctor's time, the NHS's money, and depriving someone who's really hurt of a room, because she wants crutches (she ends up being able to walk out of the hospital, unaided); and the doctor's station across from Ted, where the fumbly doctor who accidentally anesthetized his own thumb is on the phone explaining what happened.
And then Dr. Z reappears, doesn't mention the doctor from 'ortho' or 'plastics' who never showed up, and sets about fixing Ted's hand.
Three taxi rides, one apple, two magazines, two x-rays, four medical personnel (one now with a numb thumb), and nine stitches later, we're back at home. And this morning, Ted got up and went to work.
A-L: Hi Ted. Are you ok? Why are you having trouble opening the door?
Ted (if he could speak fluent English): I have a gaping wound on my left thumb because the glass panelled door to my bedroom came off its tracks and fell towards me and sliced my thumb open.
Ted: Nothing. I am ok.
A-L: Ted, there's blood everywhere. Your thumb looks awful. We're going to the hospital.
Ted: No.
A-L: Yes, we're going to the hospital.
Ted: NO!
A-L: Umm, I'm in charge of you. Your mom said so. It's not your decision. We're going to the hospital. And, you're getting blood everywhere. Don't get blood on Kitty. She's Dry Clean Only.
Ted: No.
A-L: Ten minutes. Give me ten minutes and I'll be ready to go.
Ted: No.
Justyna and Chris (whose Polish name I can't spell) walk in. Justyna had been looking for Ted, who fled the scene when there were threats of going to the hospital. Chris had bandages with him.
Half an hour later, at Western General Hospital...
Paramedic: Hello, please come this way.
Chris, Ted and I walk over.
Paramedic: Um, do I need all three of you?
A-L: Yes. Ted doesn't speak English fluently, so Chris can translate into Polish, and I'm in charge.
Paramedic (to Ted): Where did this happen?
Ted: Polish.
Raucous laughter from Chris and A-L.
A-L: At our flat.
Paramedic (still making eye contact only with Ted): Are you allergic to any medication?
Ted: 32 years old.
More raucous laughter.
Chris translates, and it turns out Ted's severely allergic to bees. Or wasps. Which aren't strictly a 'medication' as such, but it's handy to know.
Two x-rays later, the verdict is there's no glass embedded in his hand. And then we all get a lesson in tendons (Ted's might be 'nicked', to quote the paramedic), and find out we have to go to the Royal Infirmary, where a hand specialist can look at it.
Chris explains this to Ted, who doesn't want to go to the Royal Infirmary. He doesn't want stitches. He doesn't want to miss work. Ted's on a temporary contract, and doesn't get paid for sick leave. We tell the paramedic that Ted is refusing. So he brings out a book that shows the tendon. And then tells us he's booked a taxi to take us there. The NHS is paying for the taxi. Chris tells Ted this news. And suddenly, Ted's fine with having to go to the Royal Infirmary.
Ted: Taxi, free?
More raucous laughter.
The waiting room at Accident & Emergency at the Royal Infirmary is full. Good thing I brought magazines. And an apple, which the three of us share. Two hours later, Dr. Zoe calls us through. Which leads to more explanations about why Ted has two 'minders' with him: Chris, who can helpfully translate into Polish, and then back to English, and A-L, who can loudly repeat what Dr. Zoe and/or Chris said.
Dr. Z numbs Ted's thumb, digs around a bit, and then calls for a second opinion from another doctor (who subsequently poked himself in the thumb with a needle, "for the first time in my career" - not while tending to Ted - but that's a whole new post), and then another doctor. They decide someone from 'ortho' needs to look at it. Or someone from 'plastics'. So Dr. Z walks out of the room.
Ted: Can we go?
More raucous laughter.
A-L: Ted, one more doctor.
So I divide my time eavesdropping on the 'situation' in the partition to the left of Ted's, where two policeman are questioning a man; the partition on the right of Ted's, where a girl with a 'strained muscle' is wasting the doctor's time, the NHS's money, and depriving someone who's really hurt of a room, because she wants crutches (she ends up being able to walk out of the hospital, unaided); and the doctor's station across from Ted, where the fumbly doctor who accidentally anesthetized his own thumb is on the phone explaining what happened.
And then Dr. Z reappears, doesn't mention the doctor from 'ortho' or 'plastics' who never showed up, and sets about fixing Ted's hand.
Three taxi rides, one apple, two magazines, two x-rays, four medical personnel (one now with a numb thumb), and nine stitches later, we're back at home. And this morning, Ted got up and went to work.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
4 years old
Tomorrow is Aila's 4th birthday. In the immortal words of Sara Checkal, "can you even??" No. I can't.
A-L: Pete, can you believe Aila is going to be four years old?
Pete: Yes.
A-L: No, but can you believe it?? I mean, the time has flown by. She's been with us for four years. Can you believe it?
Pete: Yes. She was born in 2003. It's 2007.
A-L: No, you're not understanding. I know the numbers add up, it's just that I can't believe she's four already. She's a little girl.
Pete: Do you remember where you were on your fourth birthday?
A-L: Presumably with you and Irma and Maria?
Pete: Yes, but in which city?
A-L: Is it north and west of Walla Walla? It's not Othello, is it?
Pete: No, it's east, and slightly north of Walla Walla. (editor's note: I checked the latitude)
A-L: Do you have a cousin who lives there?
Pete: No.
A-L: That narrows it down. Give me a hint.
Pete: We were in Liege, Belgium, at the Holiday Inn. But it was a nice Holiday Inn.
A-L: That was my fifth birthday. I've always told people that I turned five in Beligum.
Pete: Nope, it was your fourth birthday. And how do you manage to slip that into conversation? "Oh, you're going to Dublin? Well, I turned four in Belgium."
A-L: Five. I turned five in Belgium. Where's Irma? She can verify.
Pete: I don't need Irma to verify this. I was there. I know how old you were. I was one of the people in charge of you at that time. And Irma's not here. Gosh, I can't believe it was so long ago. It seems like yesterday you were four years old.
A-L: It wasn't yesterday. It was 1980, when I turned five in Liege, and now it's 2007. It all adds up.
Pete: Happy Birthday Aila.
A-L: Pete, can you believe Aila is going to be four years old?
Pete: Yes.
A-L: No, but can you believe it?? I mean, the time has flown by. She's been with us for four years. Can you believe it?
Pete: Yes. She was born in 2003. It's 2007.
A-L: No, you're not understanding. I know the numbers add up, it's just that I can't believe she's four already. She's a little girl.
Pete: Do you remember where you were on your fourth birthday?
A-L: Presumably with you and Irma and Maria?
Pete: Yes, but in which city?
A-L: Is it north and west of Walla Walla? It's not Othello, is it?
Pete: No, it's east, and slightly north of Walla Walla. (editor's note: I checked the latitude)
A-L: Do you have a cousin who lives there?
Pete: No.
A-L: That narrows it down. Give me a hint.
Pete: We were in Liege, Belgium, at the Holiday Inn. But it was a nice Holiday Inn.
A-L: That was my fifth birthday. I've always told people that I turned five in Beligum.
Pete: Nope, it was your fourth birthday. And how do you manage to slip that into conversation? "Oh, you're going to Dublin? Well, I turned four in Belgium."
A-L: Five. I turned five in Belgium. Where's Irma? She can verify.
Pete: I don't need Irma to verify this. I was there. I know how old you were. I was one of the people in charge of you at that time. And Irma's not here. Gosh, I can't believe it was so long ago. It seems like yesterday you were four years old.
A-L: It wasn't yesterday. It was 1980, when I turned five in Liege, and now it's 2007. It all adds up.
Pete: Happy Birthday Aila.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Delivery
Ted: Hello?
A-L: Hi Ted. I'm having a mattress delivered to the flat. Will you please answer the door when the delivery man rings the bell?
Ted: What?
A-L: Mattress. Man will come to the door. (And then I made a buzzing noise to signify the, uh, door buzzer.) Please say, 'ok, come in.' Is that ok?
Ted: Matches?
A-L: Yes. I'm having matches delivered. It's a niche market, but I'm the niche. Will you help the man carry all of the matches up the stairs, one by one? No. It's a new bed. Will you open the door?
Ted: New bed? Ohhhh! Ok.
And then he hung up on me.
A-L: Hi Ted. I'm having a mattress delivered to the flat. Will you please answer the door when the delivery man rings the bell?
Ted: What?
A-L: Mattress. Man will come to the door. (And then I made a buzzing noise to signify the, uh, door buzzer.) Please say, 'ok, come in.' Is that ok?
Ted: Matches?
A-L: Yes. I'm having matches delivered. It's a niche market, but I'm the niche. Will you help the man carry all of the matches up the stairs, one by one? No. It's a new bed. Will you open the door?
Ted: New bed? Ohhhh! Ok.
And then he hung up on me.
Guess
Telephone conversation with Pete two days ago...
Pete: You'll never guess where my company is installing a machine.
A-L: You're probably right. Give me a hint. Is it in the U.S.?
Pete: Yes. And I have a cousin who lives there.
A-L: You have 48 cousins. Umm, Yuba City?
Pete: Tipton lives in Live Oak, not Yuba City. And no, that's not the answer. Farther north. Way farther north.
A-L: Walla Walla?
Pete: No. And I don't think I have any cousins who live in Walla Walla proper. North and west of Walla Walla.
A-L: Spokane?
Pete: That's northeast of Walla Walla. What's wrong with you?
A-L: Umm, Olympia?
Pete: No.
A-L: That's a shame, because Cousin Danny has a boat.
Pete: It's between Olympia and Spokane.
A-L: Othello!
Pete: Yup.
A-L: Have you told Cousin Darla??
Pete: No. Not yet. But I probably won't go there, now that I'm doing a new job at the company. And they're not installing the machine for ages.
A-L: Well, that was a great game.
Pete: You'll never guess where my company is installing a machine.
A-L: You're probably right. Give me a hint. Is it in the U.S.?
Pete: Yes. And I have a cousin who lives there.
A-L: You have 48 cousins. Umm, Yuba City?
Pete: Tipton lives in Live Oak, not Yuba City. And no, that's not the answer. Farther north. Way farther north.
A-L: Walla Walla?
Pete: No. And I don't think I have any cousins who live in Walla Walla proper. North and west of Walla Walla.
A-L: Spokane?
Pete: That's northeast of Walla Walla. What's wrong with you?
A-L: Umm, Olympia?
Pete: No.
A-L: That's a shame, because Cousin Danny has a boat.
Pete: It's between Olympia and Spokane.
A-L: Othello!
Pete: Yup.
A-L: Have you told Cousin Darla??
Pete: No. Not yet. But I probably won't go there, now that I'm doing a new job at the company. And they're not installing the machine for ages.
A-L: Well, that was a great game.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Credit or Debit?
Last weekend Annais was at the Ventura County Fair with Maria, Aila, Pete and Irma. This is her first pony ride. If you look at the pixilated close-up (left) you can see what looks like a credit card in her pocket. What up with that??
Glowbot Kitty
This photo has not been altered. This is Kitty as seen through the lens of Sara's digital camera.Cat for sale.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Smelly Cat or Scented Kitty
Ted bought an automated air freshener dispenser that looks remarkably like a piece of internet-related equipment, maybe, which is why I didn't realise what it was until it sprayed into my face/mouth. This dispenser (which sprays every 18 minutes) sits on a little shelf in our hallway above the chair that Kitty often sleeps in. So she smells like faux flower mountain fresh air now.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Psychoanalysis
Maria overheard Aila playing with some little wooden animals. The giraffe was the bad guy. He locked the lion, zebra and elephant in the dungeon (a Kleenex box), and then Maria heard the giraffe say, "Ok, now I'm going to pay some bills."
Maria: Do I represent the evil, bill-paying giraffe in this scenario??
A-L: No, you're totally one of their horses. The mother horse. The one that's Aila's favourite.
Maria: You mean the old grey mare? What are you trying to say?
A-L: No, no, the black beauty. The mother horse. And if it's any consolation, I think I'm the doll that sleeps by the handbags.
Maria: Do I represent the evil, bill-paying giraffe in this scenario??
A-L: No, you're totally one of their horses. The mother horse. The one that's Aila's favourite.
Maria: You mean the old grey mare? What are you trying to say?
A-L: No, no, the black beauty. The mother horse. And if it's any consolation, I think I'm the doll that sleeps by the handbags.
Fun With English
The other morning I heard Ted and Justyna having what seemed like a very serious conversation. It was 8:30 a.m., and Justyna was half asleep, so I interrupted...
A-L: Are you ok?
Ted: tennis problem
A-L: Whuh? Tennis problem?? I don't understand.
And then Ted mimed a gentle back-hand over the imaginary net in Justyna's room. Can you get tennis elbow working at the Sheraton? Did he not qualify for Wimbledon? Did he lose his sweatbands? What possible "tennis problem" could Ted have?
Ted: Ping-pong table. Problem.
Turns out he ordered a ping-pong table for his kids, Angela and Patrick, from the Polish equivalent of eBay, and they weren't going to allow Ted to pay on delivery. Tennis problem.
A-L: Are you ok?
Ted: tennis problem
A-L: Whuh? Tennis problem?? I don't understand.
And then Ted mimed a gentle back-hand over the imaginary net in Justyna's room. Can you get tennis elbow working at the Sheraton? Did he not qualify for Wimbledon? Did he lose his sweatbands? What possible "tennis problem" could Ted have?
Ted: Ping-pong table. Problem.
Turns out he ordered a ping-pong table for his kids, Angela and Patrick, from the Polish equivalent of eBay, and they weren't going to allow Ted to pay on delivery. Tennis problem.
Checkal-Ecker
Dear Sara and Brad,Many, many congratulations on your engagement. Will you hyphenate, Sara Checkal-Ecker? Or, will you create a new lastname, Brad Checkaler?
Happy Happy Day.
Much love from Edinburgh.
Monday, June 25, 2007
O'Dark Thirty
A-L: Peter, would you mind using the voucher I have to book me a flight from LA to Portland?
Peter: No problem. When do you want to fly?
A-L: Friday morning, returning Monday morning.
Later...
Peter: I got your flights booked. You leave Oxnard at 5:30am on Friday.
A-L: Umm, isn't that technically still Thursday night?
Irma: Oh, it's fine. I take your father to the airport all the time for that early flight.
A-L: Is he in his pajamas? Do you dress him while he's asleep in his car seat?
Irma: I can put your coffee in a bottle.
Peter: Your flight lands in Portland at 9:00am.
A-L: Is the Portland airport open that early? Will this give me jet lag?
Later...
Irma: What time do you want your father to wake you up tomorrow morning?
A-L: I'm 32. I might be able to set an alarm for myself, but if a wake-up call is included in the package deal, have Peter wake me at 4:30.
Peter: 4:30? We need to be leaving at 4:30.
A-L: Don't start this again.
Peter: How long does it take you to get ready?
A-L: At that time of night, about 17 minutes.
Peter: I'll wake you at 4:00.
A-L: Or you could wake me at 17 minutes before 4:30, whatever time that is.
Later, in the car on the way to the airport, somehow the topic of conversation drifted to the Vietnam War...and this is all I remember
Peter: LBJ micro-managed the Vietnam War.
There you have it.
Peter: No problem. When do you want to fly?
A-L: Friday morning, returning Monday morning.
Later...
Peter: I got your flights booked. You leave Oxnard at 5:30am on Friday.
A-L: Umm, isn't that technically still Thursday night?
Irma: Oh, it's fine. I take your father to the airport all the time for that early flight.
A-L: Is he in his pajamas? Do you dress him while he's asleep in his car seat?
Irma: I can put your coffee in a bottle.
Peter: Your flight lands in Portland at 9:00am.
A-L: Is the Portland airport open that early? Will this give me jet lag?
Later...
Irma: What time do you want your father to wake you up tomorrow morning?
A-L: I'm 32. I might be able to set an alarm for myself, but if a wake-up call is included in the package deal, have Peter wake me at 4:30.
Peter: 4:30? We need to be leaving at 4:30.
A-L: Don't start this again.
Peter: How long does it take you to get ready?
A-L: At that time of night, about 17 minutes.
Peter: I'll wake you at 4:00.
A-L: Or you could wake me at 17 minutes before 4:30, whatever time that is.
Later, in the car on the way to the airport, somehow the topic of conversation drifted to the Vietnam War...and this is all I remember
Peter: LBJ micro-managed the Vietnam War.
There you have it.
Trump Card
My sister overheard Aila and Annais playing dolls. This is what went down:
Aila's Doll: Ok, I'm Mom AND Gloria. (Gloria is their babysitter.)
Annais's Doll: Ok, I'm Daddy.
Game over.
Aila's Doll: Ok, I'm Mom AND Gloria. (Gloria is their babysitter.)
Annais's Doll: Ok, I'm Daddy.
Game over.
Monday, May 14, 2007
E-mail from Maria
Subject line: Conversation in the car last night
Aila: "Mommy, what is the name of the little monkey that hangs on the giraffe?"
Mommy (aka Maria): "I don't know baby, what is it called?"
Aila: "It has a really long tail and it's really small."
Mommy: "I'm sorry Aila, I don't know its name."
Aila: (matter-of-factly) "Oh, its the Pygmy Marmoset."
Mommy & Daddy, beaming with pride, burst out laughing because neither of us knows what that is!!!
I Googled it this morning to find out that it is indeed very small (the smallest primate) and it does have a very long tail.
Mommy & Daddy talking with each other...
Aila: "Mommy, what is the name of the little monkey that hangs on the giraffe?"
Mommy (aka Maria): "I don't know baby, what is it called?"
Aila: "It has a really long tail and it's really small."
Mommy: "I'm sorry Aila, I don't know its name."
Aila: (matter-of-factly) "Oh, its the Pygmy Marmoset."
Mommy & Daddy, beaming with pride, burst out laughing because neither of us knows what that is!!!
I Googled it this morning to find out that it is indeed very small (the smallest primate) and it does have a very long tail.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Arts & Krauts
A-L: Hi Aila, what are you doing?
Aila: Arts and krauts. I'm colouring.
Maria: Whenever she says 'arts and krauts' I picture a bunch of German soldiers wearing those Kaiser Wilhelm hats, sitting around a table colouring.
Aila: Arts and krauts. I'm colouring.
Maria: Whenever she says 'arts and krauts' I picture a bunch of German soldiers wearing those Kaiser Wilhelm hats, sitting around a table colouring.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Story Time (with Aila)
I was reading a book to Annais, and Aila was playing nearby.
A-L, pointing to a bird/parrot in the book: What's this, Annais?
Annais: Bird.
A-L: Very good. It's a bird. It's called a parrot.
Annais: Parrot.
This is what really happened:
A-L: What's this, Annais?
Radio silence from Annais.
A-L: What is it Annais? Is it a bird?
Aila: Oh, that's a scarlet macaw. It's one of my favourite birds.
Radio silence from Anna-Lisa.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Confrontation
A-L: I have a question. Actually my friend Caroline wants me to ask you something.Ted: What?
A-L: Are you really David Coverdale, of Whitesnake fame?
Ted: Yeah, that's actually why Paul moved out. He hates Whitesnake.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Moveable Airports
4 days ago...
Pete: I see you've booked yourself another round of rookie flights back to Edinburgh.
A-L: No, it's fine. I have a friend in Cincinnati who might come see me at the airport, and I'm hoping to meet Dawn in Paris for a coffee before my flight to Edinburgh.
Pete: I hope your 'friend' in Cincinnati likes Kentucky, because that's where the airport is.
A-L: Shirley, you jest.
Pete: The Cincinnati airport is in Northern Kentucky. Look it up. But it's just across the river.
A-L: What river? So where was WKRP?
Pete: And I don't think it's a good idea to leave the airport in Paris. It'll take you longer than you think to get into town, and you'll have a heckuva time going back through security.
A-L: It's amazing that I survive alone in Scotland.
Pete: Your mother prays A LOT.
A-L: So are you taking me to the airport?
Pete: Yeah, I'm going to East Texas for work.
4:30 a.m. the morning of departure...
Irma: Your father has to repack his suitcase. He forgot it was winter in East Texas.
A-L: What season did he think it was? Does this mean I have to wait for him to execute a complete wardrobe change? Does he know Colorado just got hit by another blizzard? I heard they're airlifting food to cattle stranded in the snow. And Pete's packed linen trousers?
Pete (shouts from the other room): I'm not going to Colorado. I'm going to East Texas. Oklahoma protects it from Colorado.
At the airport...
After security, I realise I left my winter coat in the rental car that my dad was going to turn in. I make my way to the gate, then consider calling my dad's cell phone from the pay phone, and decide just to head to the lounge.
Lady at the desk, after I show my boarding pass: Your dad is looking for you. He has your coat. He's waiting downstairs for you.
So I go back to the front, and find my dad, who says someone took my coat to the gate.
A-L (sheepishly): Thanks.
So I go back through security, and to the gate, and retrieve my coat. Then back to the lounge.
Lady at the desk: Oh good, you got your coat.
A-L: Yeah, I wonder why my parents treat me like I'm 11 years old, and then I leave my coat in the rental car.
Lady at the desk: Oh, I bet your mom prays for you, a lot.
Pete: I see you've booked yourself another round of rookie flights back to Edinburgh.
A-L: No, it's fine. I have a friend in Cincinnati who might come see me at the airport, and I'm hoping to meet Dawn in Paris for a coffee before my flight to Edinburgh.
Pete: I hope your 'friend' in Cincinnati likes Kentucky, because that's where the airport is.
A-L: Shirley, you jest.
Pete: The Cincinnati airport is in Northern Kentucky. Look it up. But it's just across the river.
A-L: What river? So where was WKRP?
Pete: And I don't think it's a good idea to leave the airport in Paris. It'll take you longer than you think to get into town, and you'll have a heckuva time going back through security.
A-L: It's amazing that I survive alone in Scotland.
Pete: Your mother prays A LOT.
A-L: So are you taking me to the airport?
Pete: Yeah, I'm going to East Texas for work.
4:30 a.m. the morning of departure...
Irma: Your father has to repack his suitcase. He forgot it was winter in East Texas.
A-L: What season did he think it was? Does this mean I have to wait for him to execute a complete wardrobe change? Does he know Colorado just got hit by another blizzard? I heard they're airlifting food to cattle stranded in the snow. And Pete's packed linen trousers?
Pete (shouts from the other room): I'm not going to Colorado. I'm going to East Texas. Oklahoma protects it from Colorado.
At the airport...
After security, I realise I left my winter coat in the rental car that my dad was going to turn in. I make my way to the gate, then consider calling my dad's cell phone from the pay phone, and decide just to head to the lounge.
Lady at the desk, after I show my boarding pass: Your dad is looking for you. He has your coat. He's waiting downstairs for you.
So I go back to the front, and find my dad, who says someone took my coat to the gate.
A-L (sheepishly): Thanks.
So I go back through security, and to the gate, and retrieve my coat. Then back to the lounge.
Lady at the desk: Oh good, you got your coat.
A-L: Yeah, I wonder why my parents treat me like I'm 11 years old, and then I leave my coat in the rental car.
Lady at the desk: Oh, I bet your mom prays for you, a lot.
Just like the stigmata
There, in the mirror, between Dawn's two heads, appears Paul Auster. For his fans, it will be crystal clear that it's the man himself.
Emir
I met Emir in Cincinnati, waiting for the flight to Paris. He's 14 years old, and was travelling from Portland, Oregon with his uncle, going back home to Istanbul.
Emir and his uncle bickered like brothers. But in a kind-hearted way. Mostly about semantics.
Emir told me a joke. The punchline was "because he was looking for Pooh."
I told Emir a riddle. And after 20 seconds he asked "What would the answer be?" More arguing about semantics.
And when Emir's uncle went to charge his mobile phone, Emir left him a note saying he had gone to meet a friend in Cincinnati and wasn't travelling back to Turkey with him. I wish I'd taken that note.
"You fell for it," he told his uncle.
"No, I didn't," his uncle said.
(Replay above dialogue 10 times.)
Emir showed me all 178 photos on his phone. Most were of his dogs, and a school trip to Helsinki, for a softball tournament.
And then Emir asked me about the Napa Valley. And after a visit to the buffet, he held up a fork with a grape on the middle tine and said, "THIS is why we want to go to California."
And then Emir was concerned that the Frankfurt flight which was leaving at the same time as our flight was boarding first. He wanted to know why. And kept asking why? why? why?
So I told him it's because the Germans are very organised, and before I could say more he said, "We're German."
"Gut, dann können wir Deutsch sprechen," I replied.
"Oops, we're not German," he said.
And then he asked me what my dad does for a living. I told Emir he owns the Cincinnati airport.
No, actually, he installs and fixes medical equipment.
"With a screwdriver?"
"Yes, and nothing else."
I wish I could write about Emir more eloquently. He was so kind and smart and mischevious, and more polite than any other 14-year-old. And he made the 5-hour layover in Cincinnati fly by.
Emir and his uncle bickered like brothers. But in a kind-hearted way. Mostly about semantics.
Emir told me a joke. The punchline was "because he was looking for Pooh."
I told Emir a riddle. And after 20 seconds he asked "What would the answer be?" More arguing about semantics.
And when Emir's uncle went to charge his mobile phone, Emir left him a note saying he had gone to meet a friend in Cincinnati and wasn't travelling back to Turkey with him. I wish I'd taken that note.
"You fell for it," he told his uncle.
"No, I didn't," his uncle said.
(Replay above dialogue 10 times.)
Emir showed me all 178 photos on his phone. Most were of his dogs, and a school trip to Helsinki, for a softball tournament.
And then Emir asked me about the Napa Valley. And after a visit to the buffet, he held up a fork with a grape on the middle tine and said, "THIS is why we want to go to California."
And then Emir was concerned that the Frankfurt flight which was leaving at the same time as our flight was boarding first. He wanted to know why. And kept asking why? why? why?
So I told him it's because the Germans are very organised, and before I could say more he said, "We're German."
"Gut, dann können wir Deutsch sprechen," I replied.
"Oops, we're not German," he said.
And then he asked me what my dad does for a living. I told Emir he owns the Cincinnati airport.
No, actually, he installs and fixes medical equipment.
"With a screwdriver?"
"Yes, and nothing else."
I wish I could write about Emir more eloquently. He was so kind and smart and mischevious, and more polite than any other 14-year-old. And he made the 5-hour layover in Cincinnati fly by.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Remembrance
2 days ago...
Maria: Why is the flag at the Civic Center at half mast?
A-L: James Brown died.
Maria: Was he from Coachella?
A-L: No, but he was the godfather of soul.
24 hours later...
Maria: I just heard that Gerald Ford died, in Rancho Mirage.
A-L: Oh, wow. I wonder if they'll put the flags at half mast for him too? How do they handle that situation, when two famous people die so closely together?
Maria: Maybe they'll put the flags at quarter mast.
A-L: Do you think James Brown would be annoyed if he knew that Gerald was stealing his thunder, as it were? I read in People magazine that they were bitter rivals.
Maria: Wasn't President Ford's wife an entrepreneur?
A-L: Yeah, she ran a chain of clinics.
Maria: Jenny Craig? She's quite a bit younger than President Ford.
another 24 hours later...
Maria: If you come meet me for lunch, be sure to avoid Miles Boulevard. It's closed for the memorial service.
A-L: James Brown's?
Maria: Why is the flag at the Civic Center at half mast?
A-L: James Brown died.
Maria: Was he from Coachella?
A-L: No, but he was the godfather of soul.
24 hours later...
Maria: I just heard that Gerald Ford died, in Rancho Mirage.
A-L: Oh, wow. I wonder if they'll put the flags at half mast for him too? How do they handle that situation, when two famous people die so closely together?
Maria: Maybe they'll put the flags at quarter mast.
A-L: Do you think James Brown would be annoyed if he knew that Gerald was stealing his thunder, as it were? I read in People magazine that they were bitter rivals.
Maria: Wasn't President Ford's wife an entrepreneur?
A-L: Yeah, she ran a chain of clinics.
Maria: Jenny Craig? She's quite a bit younger than President Ford.
another 24 hours later...
Maria: If you come meet me for lunch, be sure to avoid Miles Boulevard. It's closed for the memorial service.
A-L: James Brown's?
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Overheard
I'm staying at Maria and Hector's. The following phrases have been said in the last week:
"Don't put that in your mouth. That's not a straw. It's a pinwheel."
"Annais threw up on him."
"No, that's Puppy Puppet. Put Puppy Purse next to Bibbit."
"Did I tell you that Annais threw up on me at J.C. Penney?"
"Don't put that in your mouth. That's not a straw. It's a pinwheel."
"Annais threw up on him."
"No, that's Puppy Puppet. Put Puppy Purse next to Bibbit."
"Did I tell you that Annais threw up on me at J.C. Penney?"
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Philly
Pete: I've e-mailed you the itinerary for your flight home.
A-L: Yeah, I got an e-mail from you. But you sent the wrong itinerary
Pete: I just forwarded the one I received from United.
A-L: No, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have booked the itinerary I received.
Pete: No, I've double checked, it's the right one. Irma wanted you to pick up some German Christmas decorations in Frankfurt, and a Liberty Bell magnet for Maria in Philadelphia.
A-L: Oh, so that's why I have two stops between Edinburgh and Los Angeles. I thought it was a mistake.
Pete: No, no. I figured two and a half hours in Frankfurt was enough time to shop for decorations, and three hours in Philadelphia would give you plenty of time to buy the right magnet.
A-L: Yeah, I got an e-mail from you. But you sent the wrong itinerary
Pete: I just forwarded the one I received from United.
A-L: No, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have booked the itinerary I received.
Pete: No, I've double checked, it's the right one. Irma wanted you to pick up some German Christmas decorations in Frankfurt, and a Liberty Bell magnet for Maria in Philadelphia.
A-L: Oh, so that's why I have two stops between Edinburgh and Los Angeles. I thought it was a mistake.
Pete: No, no. I figured two and a half hours in Frankfurt was enough time to shop for decorations, and three hours in Philadelphia would give you plenty of time to buy the right magnet.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Auster-Doyle Rears Its Spooky Head
Back in the beginning of November the Publishing Ladies* were in Paris to celebrate Jess's birthday. One of the key Publishing Ladies was missing: the Irish-Belgian Abu Dhabi Gemma. (She's the one who suffers from Auster-Doyle syndrome. Which sometimes manifests itself as Auster-Doyle-Smith syndrome. See previous posts.) She's working in Abu Dhabi on a conference on human trafficking, and apparently couldn't sacrifice a weekend for frivolity in Paris.
So, on Saturday night we were out at a restaurant to fete the birthday girl, and who should be sitting at the table next to us? Yes, Paul Auster. Playing the role of Gemma. Coincidence? Perhaps. Probably not. Who knows? Not me.
So, we decided to do the "I'm from L.A. and I see celebrities all the time and I leave them alone" thing, so we took photos of each other, hoping that he'll appear in the background. I will certainly post them when they're developed. What if Roddy Doyle appears in the background?
*Ladies who have/have had a tenuous link to the publishing industry.
So, on Saturday night we were out at a restaurant to fete the birthday girl, and who should be sitting at the table next to us? Yes, Paul Auster. Playing the role of Gemma. Coincidence? Perhaps. Probably not. Who knows? Not me.
So, we decided to do the "I'm from L.A. and I see celebrities all the time and I leave them alone" thing, so we took photos of each other, hoping that he'll appear in the background. I will certainly post them when they're developed. What if Roddy Doyle appears in the background?
*Ladies who have/have had a tenuous link to the publishing industry.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Possessive-Definite Articles
Ted: What is the name of your friend, we went to Arthur's Seat?
A-L: My friend from Portland? Who came to visit? Gavin is his name.
And then Ted made a gesture, putting his hand to his heart, to indicate that Gavin is either:
a) one of his 'homies'
b) a really nice person
Ted: Gavin is a very good man.
A-L: Yes, he's very nice.
Ted: He's my the best friend.
A-L: Six months ago you told me that I was your the best friend.
Ted: I lied.
A-L: My friend from Portland? Who came to visit? Gavin is his name.
And then Ted made a gesture, putting his hand to his heart, to indicate that Gavin is either:
a) one of his 'homies'
b) a really nice person
Ted: Gavin is a very good man.
A-L: Yes, he's very nice.
Ted: He's my the best friend.
A-L: Six months ago you told me that I was your the best friend.
Ted: I lied.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Vocab
Franch: Ted's word for 'French' or 'France'. Or both, at once.
Usage note: "You go on holiday to Franch?"
Usage note: "You go on holiday to Franch?"
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
English Lesson 335
I've taught Ted the following song, which we (ok, I) sing almost every morning in the kitchen when I'm heading out to work, and he's coming back from the night shift, drenched:
Rain, rain
Go away
Come again
some other day
Rain, rain
Go away
Come again
some other day
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Family Friends
A couple months ago Aila was looking at pictures from Maria and Hector's wedding, and she saw me in the line-up. So this is what happened next...
Aila (pointing to A-L): Mommy, is that your friend Anna-Lisa?*
Maria: No, I don't know who that is. I think she was with the photographer.
Aila: But she visits us twice a year, and always stays about three days too long. I think Daddy said she was your sister.
Maria: I think you're mixing her up with someone. I'm an only child. I don't know that woman you're pointing at.
Aila: When I'm older, can I tell people I don't know who Annais is?
Annais: I already tell people that you're a family friend.
*this is the only factual line of the story.
Aila (pointing to A-L): Mommy, is that your friend Anna-Lisa?*
Maria: No, I don't know who that is. I think she was with the photographer.
Aila: But she visits us twice a year, and always stays about three days too long. I think Daddy said she was your sister.
Maria: I think you're mixing her up with someone. I'm an only child. I don't know that woman you're pointing at.
Aila: When I'm older, can I tell people I don't know who Annais is?
Annais: I already tell people that you're a family friend.
*this is the only factual line of the story.
More ESL Fun
So Ted's English continues to improve. This of course takes some of the fun out of living with him, but there are still a few gems that crop up now and again. The other day, Ted confused 'barbeque' and 'manicure'. How these words have crept into his vocabulary I'm not sure, but the fact that he switched them delighted all within earshot.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Hallowe'en Report
It's a bit late, but my reporter in the field, Sister Maria, had many other stories to file before this one came through:
Aila went Trick-or-Treating with Hector. She said Thank you every time she got candy - they made to three houses then she said: "Ok Daddy, I'm ready to go home"
Meanwhile, back at the ranch Annais was handing out fistfuls of candy to all of the kids. As they walked away, she would grab another fistful and call out to the children as if to say "Hey, there's more!" I would then ask her to put the candy back in the bowl and close the door. Instead, she would throw the candy out onto the front porch and then close the door.
Thank you Sister Maria.
Aila went Trick-or-Treating with Hector. She said Thank you every time she got candy - they made to three houses then she said: "Ok Daddy, I'm ready to go home"
Meanwhile, back at the ranch Annais was handing out fistfuls of candy to all of the kids. As they walked away, she would grab another fistful and call out to the children as if to say "Hey, there's more!" I would then ask her to put the candy back in the bowl and close the door. Instead, she would throw the candy out onto the front porch and then close the door.
Thank you Sister Maria.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
English Lessons via T.V.
On Sunday Ted was watching Smokey and the Bandit.
A-L: Hi Ted. Oh, it's Burt Reynolds.
Ted: Yes, Alabama.
The End.
A-L: Hi Ted. Oh, it's Burt Reynolds.
Ted: Yes, Alabama.
The End.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Ted's Holiday
I'll set the scene for you ... Ted is leaning out the living room window, which he calls his "office", and smoking.
A-L: Are you looking forward to your holiday?
Ted: Holiday?? (and then his face lights up) Holiday in four weeks.
I'll take that as a 'yes'.
A-L: Are you looking forward to your holiday?
Ted: Holiday?? (and then his face lights up) Holiday in four weeks.
I'll take that as a 'yes'.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Geography
A-L: Gemma's moving to Abu Dhabi.
Norette: Is that another prison that you Americans have opened?
A-L: No, it's a city, I think. She's moving there for a job.
Norette: Prison guard?
A-L: No, I don't think it's prison work. It's a city. I think she's doing something UN-related.
Norette: Ummm, where is Abu Dhabi?
A-L: Oh Norette, you're so silly. Uh, I have no idea.
Norette: It sounds like it's near Dubai.
Norette: Is that another prison that you Americans have opened?
A-L: No, it's a city, I think. She's moving there for a job.
Norette: Prison guard?
A-L: No, I don't think it's prison work. It's a city. I think she's doing something UN-related.
Norette: Ummm, where is Abu Dhabi?
A-L: Oh Norette, you're so silly. Uh, I have no idea.
Norette: It sounds like it's near Dubai.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Muchas Congratulations
Dear Cousin John, *NEW* Cousin-in-law Britt, Caroline and Dave,
I was thinking about you all this weekend as you were getting married. I would have loved to have been in Portland and Reno on Saturday.
Happy honeymooning.
A-L
I was thinking about you all this weekend as you were getting married. I would have loved to have been in Portland and Reno on Saturday.
Happy honeymooning.
A-L
Friday, September 08, 2006
We Bring Good Things to Life
At Heathrow, returning to Edinburgh, checking in for the flight...
A-L to two Germans in line in front of her: Oh, it's so lovely to hear German. (auf Deutsch)
German A: Really? No one ever says that.
A-L: Hearing the German language brings back wonderful childhood memories.
German B: Yes, people do not usually like the German language.
A-L: I do. (and then I sneezed.)
German B: Gesundheit.
A-L: Danke. British people don't usually say 'bless you' or 'gesundheit'.
German A: I have heard that the new business etiquette is to not say 'Gesundheit' if someone sneezes during a meeting because it disrupts the meeting, especially if someone sneezes several times, and everyone in the room says 'Gesundheit'. And nowadays so many people have allergies, that a lot of company time could be wasted extending blessings to colleagues.
A-L: I suppose it's not very efficient. Are you here on business?
German A: Yes.
A-L: What do you do?
German B: We work for G.E. in Frankfurt.
A-L: What??? You do??? Ohmigosh, my dad worked at G.E. in Frankfurt!! That's so exciting!! Ohmigosh. (all in a faux German accent, I think)
German A: What division did your father work for?
A-L: Uhh, he carried a briefcase, wore a trenchcoat, and travelled to Moscow a lot.
German B: Was he a spy?
A-L: Yes, for G.E.'s medical division.
German A: We work for G.E. Corporate Finance, but we are in the building your father would have worked in.
A-L: Wow! My heart is palpitating. I have to sit down. G.E. sponsored my happy childhood memories of Germany. They really do bring good things to life.
German B: Uh, nice to meet you, I think. Good bye.
A-L: Aufwiedersehen (again, in faux German accent)
A-L to two Germans in line in front of her: Oh, it's so lovely to hear German. (auf Deutsch)
German A: Really? No one ever says that.
A-L: Hearing the German language brings back wonderful childhood memories.
German B: Yes, people do not usually like the German language.
A-L: I do. (and then I sneezed.)
German B: Gesundheit.
A-L: Danke. British people don't usually say 'bless you' or 'gesundheit'.
German A: I have heard that the new business etiquette is to not say 'Gesundheit' if someone sneezes during a meeting because it disrupts the meeting, especially if someone sneezes several times, and everyone in the room says 'Gesundheit'. And nowadays so many people have allergies, that a lot of company time could be wasted extending blessings to colleagues.
A-L: I suppose it's not very efficient. Are you here on business?
German A: Yes.
A-L: What do you do?
German B: We work for G.E. in Frankfurt.
A-L: What??? You do??? Ohmigosh, my dad worked at G.E. in Frankfurt!! That's so exciting!! Ohmigosh. (all in a faux German accent, I think)
German A: What division did your father work for?
A-L: Uhh, he carried a briefcase, wore a trenchcoat, and travelled to Moscow a lot.
German B: Was he a spy?
A-L: Yes, for G.E.'s medical division.
German A: We work for G.E. Corporate Finance, but we are in the building your father would have worked in.
A-L: Wow! My heart is palpitating. I have to sit down. G.E. sponsored my happy childhood memories of Germany. They really do bring good things to life.
German B: Uh, nice to meet you, I think. Good bye.
A-L: Aufwiedersehen (again, in faux German accent)
Friday, August 25, 2006
Feline Marketing
So, with an ad posted online, Ted, Kitty and I were officially looking for a new flatmate.
Below are some snippets from the responses (and what I wanted to reply):
"cat loving female and hamster in search of happy animal loving flatmates"
(Oh purrfect. Cats and hamsters are natural allies in the wild. And I was trying to think of a way for Kitty to contract rabies.)
"I am 28 years old, a non-smoker and experienced in catcare."
(The cat doesn't need a babysitter. Back off, lady.)
"Are you possibly swedish too?"
(Isn't everyone. They call Stockholm the cradle of civilisation, do they not?)
"Adore cats."
(She's not for sale. Back off, lady.)
Below are some snippets from the responses (and what I wanted to reply):
"cat loving female and hamster in search of happy animal loving flatmates"
(Oh purrfect. Cats and hamsters are natural allies in the wild. And I was trying to think of a way for Kitty to contract rabies.)
"I am 28 years old, a non-smoker and experienced in catcare."
(The cat doesn't need a babysitter. Back off, lady.)
"Are you possibly swedish too?"
(Isn't everyone. They call Stockholm the cradle of civilisation, do they not?)
"Adore cats."
(She's not for sale. Back off, lady.)
Seeking
Our team is losing one of its members. The Scottish team member is moving on. So Ted and I have been on the lookout for a suitable replacement. A new flatmate. No small task. We thought the best place to start was the internet: that link to weirdos worldwide. With the click of a button you can invite a Swedish sociopath into your home. Or a Finnish one. As I did.
So we posted an ad on www.gumtree.com.
What does this say about us? Seasoned renters knows that "spacious" means "mildew in the bathroom", and that mentioning the presence of a cat in the headline is a bit, well, crazy cat ladyish...
What do the following ads from gumtree say about their posters?
"Lovely Double Room in quiet flat"
Translation: No closet space AND boring flatmates
"Looking for 6 people to share fab flat 10m from centre"
Translation: Who needs a bedroom with windows?
"Double room (single and double bed) for 2/3 people available from Sept 12th"
Translation: Fractions are lame. And, it's totally cool to share a room with two/thirds other people when you're 25.
"Large double room for couple in house share with South African, Brit, and cute spaniel."
Question: Is it ok to refer to Spaniards that way?
"Are you Irish, Australian, South African, Canadian or a New Zealander click here"
Translation: No Americans.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Progress
A telephone conversation with Ted one year ago...
Ted: Hello?
A-L: Hi Ted, it's Anna-Lisa, how are you?
Ted: Anna-Lisa not home.
A-L: This is Anna-Lisa.
Ted: Sorry, Anna-Lisa not home.
A-L: I know Ted, don't you regonize my voice? It's Anna-Lisa.
Ted: Sorry, I do not speak English. I do not understand. Anna-Lisa not home.
A-L: She's with me. I'll tell her I called.
................
A telephone conversation with Ted last week...
Ted: Hello?
A-L: Hi Ted, it's Anna-Lisa.
Ted: Anna-Lisa, where are you? I have day off. What are you doing?
A-L: I am in town. I will be home late. Can you please feed Kitty?
Ted: No problem. Food?
A-L: Yes Ted, please feed her food.
Ted: Hello?
A-L: Hi Ted, it's Anna-Lisa, how are you?
Ted: Anna-Lisa not home.
A-L: This is Anna-Lisa.
Ted: Sorry, Anna-Lisa not home.
A-L: I know Ted, don't you regonize my voice? It's Anna-Lisa.
Ted: Sorry, I do not speak English. I do not understand. Anna-Lisa not home.
A-L: She's with me. I'll tell her I called.
................
A telephone conversation with Ted last week...
Ted: Hello?
A-L: Hi Ted, it's Anna-Lisa.
Ted: Anna-Lisa, where are you? I have day off. What are you doing?
A-L: I am in town. I will be home late. Can you please feed Kitty?
Ted: No problem. Food?
A-L: Yes Ted, please feed her food.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Totally Famous
Ok, so, I'm in print. Well, I'M not in print, but I make a cameo appearance in a column.
Here's the link:
Notebook, by Sam Leith
Did you read it?
I'm the one who "retreated", I think. And I was looking at Jasper Fforde books with him. My 15 minutes are up.
Here's the link:
Notebook, by Sam Leith
Did you read it?
I'm the one who "retreated", I think. And I was looking at Jasper Fforde books with him. My 15 minutes are up.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Air Guitar
Last night a journalist started telling a few of us that a few years back he competed in the Air Guitar Championships. He placed fourth.
Questions from the group:
Do the musicians warm up?
Do the airlines ever lose guitars?
We laughed. It was light-hearted. And then foolishly I said, "I wish I had a column. I'd write about it." And the journalist/air guitarist turned to me and said, "I already wrote about it."
Oh, ok.
Questions from the group:
Do the musicians warm up?
Do the airlines ever lose guitars?
We laughed. It was light-hearted. And then foolishly I said, "I wish I had a column. I'd write about it." And the journalist/air guitarist turned to me and said, "I already wrote about it."
Oh, ok.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Multiple Choice
Dear Readers,
A little quiz.
Which of these phrases did I write in an e-mail today:
a. I can provide a price quote for you on 300 copies of that title.
b. I'd like to schedule an appointment to meet with you in Frankfurt.
c. Leave it to the Russians to ruin a weekend in Leipzig.
A little quiz.
Which of these phrases did I write in an e-mail today:
a. I can provide a price quote for you on 300 copies of that title.
b. I'd like to schedule an appointment to meet with you in Frankfurt.
c. Leave it to the Russians to ruin a weekend in Leipzig.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Names have been changed to protect the, uh, people who need protecting
At a friend's party...
Betty: Hi, I'm A-L.
Ian: Hi, I'm Ian. How do you know Kelly?
Betty: I studied with her. But now I work at XYZ Inc.
Ian: Oh, you work at XYZ??
Betty: Yes.
Ian: Then you'll know me.*
Betty: Sorry, what's your name?
Ian: It's Ian. You'll know me, if you work at XYZ.
Betty: Uh, sorry, I don't know you. What's your surname?
Ian: It's Wilson. I'm Ian Wilson. I'M Ian Wilson.
Betty: Sorry, I don't know you.
Ian: Well, you will if you work at XYZ. I run an organisation based here. Sooner or later I'll call you and ask you to do something for me.
Betty: I work in export.
Ian: Oh, everyone at XYZ does stuff for me. I know Margaret. I always call her. So sooner or later I'll call you and ask you to send me some information.
Betty: I work in export.
Ian: I'll e-mail you if I need some graphics, or pricing info.
(And then I said this in my head...)
Betty: I work in export. You're based in Edinburgh. We're based in Edinburgh. We don't export from Edinburgh to Edinburgh.
*He actually said this. True story. It's my new favourite line: "Then you'll know me."
Betty: Hi, I'm A-L.
Ian: Hi, I'm Ian. How do you know Kelly?
Betty: I studied with her. But now I work at XYZ Inc.
Ian: Oh, you work at XYZ??
Betty: Yes.
Ian: Then you'll know me.*
Betty: Sorry, what's your name?
Ian: It's Ian. You'll know me, if you work at XYZ.
Betty: Uh, sorry, I don't know you. What's your surname?
Ian: It's Wilson. I'm Ian Wilson. I'M Ian Wilson.
Betty: Sorry, I don't know you.
Ian: Well, you will if you work at XYZ. I run an organisation based here. Sooner or later I'll call you and ask you to do something for me.
Betty: I work in export.
Ian: Oh, everyone at XYZ does stuff for me. I know Margaret. I always call her. So sooner or later I'll call you and ask you to send me some information.
Betty: I work in export.
Ian: I'll e-mail you if I need some graphics, or pricing info.
(And then I said this in my head...)
Betty: I work in export. You're based in Edinburgh. We're based in Edinburgh. We don't export from Edinburgh to Edinburgh.
*He actually said this. True story. It's my new favourite line: "Then you'll know me."
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Banjos, GPS and "illin' steez"
Via Messenger:
A-L: Hi Caroline. I miss you. What’s happening? I need some material for my blog.
Caroline: Hi. I miss you too. Nothing is happening.
A-L: I don’t believe you. You’re planning a wedding.
Caroline: Honestly. Nothing’s happening. We had to re-shoot our engagement photos because our photographer lost our originals. And our violinist flaked out but we found another one.
A-L: I had no idea there was such a thing as a flaky violinist. What about a fiddler? My dad says it’s a violin when you’re sellin’, and a fiddle when you’re buyin’. Or dueling banjos?
Caroline: And a family friend gave us a welcome mat with our latitude and longitude coordinates on it.
A-L: Wow. I didn’t know Macys sold those. How many did you register for?
Caroline: And
A-L: Except global positioning doormats. They have a Macy’s in
Caroline: The fiddler. And I got a free tote bag for registering for twelve 5-piece place settings.
A-L: Are you giving it away as a door prize at the reception? Or is it the “new” of the “something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue”?
Caroline: No, it’s the “something blue”. And our photographer kept telling us to nuzzle and kiss in front of the camera. Which is not Dave's steez exactly. I mean, that's not how we roll on camera. You can quote me.
A-L: Is that why the photographer destroyed the negatives? And what’s ‘steez’? Is that appropriate for a family audience? My mom and dad read my blog. That’s not
Caroline: It means “style”. Like “illin steez”.
A-L: Woah Caroline, I think we’ve drifted.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Scottish Sofa Cats
I had heard of Portuguese Water Dogs, but I was stunned to learn this week about Norwegian Forest Cats. I love the idea of animals having a nationality.
And then today, as if on cue, Ted said, "Kitty is Scottish."
If you insist, Ted, on ascribing human characteristics to an animal. A bit childish, don't you think, I asked Kitty.
And then today, as if on cue, Ted said, "Kitty is Scottish."
If you insist, Ted, on ascribing human characteristics to an animal. A bit childish, don't you think, I asked Kitty.
If you happen to be in West Hollywood on the 14th August...
Don't miss Amy Cochet on August 14th in her comeback solo performance entitled:Oh Mama!
Amy Cochet has been quite busy since her last one woman show when she raised money to attend the prestigious Cabaret Conference at Yale. After starting a new career, having a baby, and surviving the first year of motherhood, Amy returns to the Gardenia in her new show entitled, Oh Mama! Join Amy, and her musical director, Ron Snyder, for a look at the life changing experience of becoming a parent and bringing up baby.The Gardenia
7066 Santa Monica Blvd.
West Hollywood, CA 90038
(reservations recommended for show, required for dinner)
(323) 467-7444
Monday, August 14th.
SHOWTIME: 9:00 PM
Gardenia serves dinner starting at 7:00 PM.
$15 dollar cover (Cabaret West members 2 for 1) and a 2 drink minimum.
Monday, July 24, 2006
What I've learned
I've learned that when you're in Amsterdam you should probably go to the Anne Frank House instead of going to the Pancake House next door.
What have you learned, dear reader? Talk to me.
What have you learned, dear reader? Talk to me.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Vindication (and talking cats)
A-L: Remember when that lady told me on my 30th birthday that I looked like I was over 30?
Kitty: Uh, no.
A-L: Well she did. And I'll never shop at Albertsons again.
Kitty: What's Albertsons?
A-L: Well, I must be getting younger, because TWO people asked me if I was 21 at the Chicago Airport.
Kitty: Were they drunk?
A-L: No, they were working the desk at the United lounge.
Kitty: Why were they asking you how old you are? Were you drinking?
A-L: No, they asked if I wanted drink coupons, and of course I said yes.
Kitty: Did you use the coupons?
A-L: No, you're getting off track. The point of the story was that TWO people thought I was under 21.
Kitty: So does that mean you look 42?
A-L: This is the last time you're appearing in dialogue. And Caroline's cats are more affectionate than you.
Kitty: Uh, no.
A-L: Well she did. And I'll never shop at Albertsons again.
Kitty: What's Albertsons?
A-L: Well, I must be getting younger, because TWO people asked me if I was 21 at the Chicago Airport.
Kitty: Were they drunk?
A-L: No, they were working the desk at the United lounge.
Kitty: Why were they asking you how old you are? Were you drinking?
A-L: No, they asked if I wanted drink coupons, and of course I said yes.
Kitty: Did you use the coupons?
A-L: No, you're getting off track. The point of the story was that TWO people thought I was under 21.
Kitty: So does that mean you look 42?
A-L: This is the last time you're appearing in dialogue. And Caroline's cats are more affectionate than you.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Delayed Response
And then my sister replied to Aila.
Maria: No, those are your great-great fairy godmothers.
True story. Not really.
Maria: No, those are your great-great fairy godmothers.
True story. Not really.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Reunion Mania
Yes we had water bottles at our family reunion. Doesn't everyone? The label is above. So I brought a bottle home from the reunion for Maria. And then young Aila saw the water bottle.Aila: Mom, who are these people?
Maria: They're you're ancestors. It's your great-great grandmother and your great-great grandfather.
... 4 days later
Aila (holding the "Holloway" water bottle): Mom, are these my fairy godmothers?
True story. Sponsored by Disney.
Syrian Restaurant
Today a colleague and I went to Palmyra Pizza for lunch. I was so looking forward to a Humus Falafel. The place looked closed. Lights low. Sign at the door says:
I read this sign as:
It's 12:45, I'm hungry. I know the guy who runs the place. Saw him inside. Knocked on the door.
Guy Who Runs the Place: Hi. We're closed, but if you're getting take-away I'll serve you.
A-L: Great. Your sign confused me. I thought it said you were open 12 - 2pm.
GWRTP: No, we open at 2pm on Fridays.
A-L to colleague: He's Syrian, but he's friends with me even though I'm American.
GWRTP: I hate your President, not you.
A-L: Yeah, that's ok. Why do you open at 2pm on Fridays?
GWRTP: We have Friday prayers at 1 o'clock, but that's fine, I'll make your falafel first.
Oops.
Open 12 pm
Fridays Open 2pm
I read this sign as:
Open 12 - 2 pm.
It's 12:45, I'm hungry. I know the guy who runs the place. Saw him inside. Knocked on the door.
Guy Who Runs the Place: Hi. We're closed, but if you're getting take-away I'll serve you.
A-L: Great. Your sign confused me. I thought it said you were open 12 - 2pm.
GWRTP: No, we open at 2pm on Fridays.
A-L to colleague: He's Syrian, but he's friends with me even though I'm American.
GWRTP: I hate your President, not you.
A-L: Yeah, that's ok. Why do you open at 2pm on Fridays?
GWRTP: We have Friday prayers at 1 o'clock, but that's fine, I'll make your falafel first.
Oops.
From Kilted Poles to Dyslexia
Ok, new topic: Dyslexia.
Some facts:
Some facts:
- It is estimated that about one person in ten is dyslexic.
- dyslexia can be caused by inherited factors, and/or hearing problems at an early age.
- is often accompanied by left-handedness somewhere in the family
- the brains of dyslexic children show an unusual variation in left- and right-side activity (Source: http://www.dyslexia-parent.com/mag24.html)
- more males than females are affected (Source: http://www.dyslexic.org.uk/aboutdyslexia.htm)
From http://www.dyslexia-test.com/adults.html:
FREE DYSLEXIA PRE-TEST
If you answer 'Yes' to five or more of these questions, then you may be dyslexic, and our Dyslexia Test for Adults will give you a clear assessment:
- When writing checks/cheques, do you frequently find yourself making mistakes?
- When using the telephone, do you tend to get the numbers mixed up when you dial?
- Is your spelling poor?
- Do you mix up dates and times and miss appointments?
- Do you find forms difficult and confusing?
- Do you find it difficult to take messages on the telephone and pass them on correctly?
- Do you mix up bus numbers like 95 and 59?
- Do you find it difficult to say the months of the year forward in a fluent manner?
- Did you find it hard to learn your multiplication tables at school?
- Do you take longer than you should to read a page of a book?
- Do you find difficulty in telling left from right?
- When you have to say a long word, do you sometimes find it difficult to get all the sounds in the right order?
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Dress Up
Judy and Gerry were here in May, having just been at a wedding. What a coincidence that Gerry and Ted are the same height.So the only thing to do was to dress up Ted as a Scotsman. Tailoring by Gerry.
240 Watts
Bev: It looks like Kitty is plugged in.A-L: She is.
Bev: Really?
A-L: That's how we get her eyes to glow so beautifully.
Kitty Care (cubed)
I was a tad worried about leaving Kitty for 18 days, given that the last time I went home she mysteriously broke her foot. So, dear reader, this time I employed a strategy that I like to call "the triple plant." This is how it works:
A-L: Stuart, can you watch Kitty while I'm gone?
Stuart: Sure.
A-L: You need to give her fresh water every day, change the litter and feed her in the morning and at night.
Stuart: No problem.
A-L: If anything happens to her, I hold you personally responsible.
...
Three hours later...
A-L: Ted, I'm going to California for 18 days. Can you take care of Kitty?
Ted: No problem.
A-L: You need to give her fresh water every day, change the litter and feed her in the morning and at night.
Ted: No problem.
A-L: If anything happens to her, I hold you personally responsible.
...
Twenty minutes later...
A-L: Paul, can you watch Kitty while I'm at home?
Paul: Sure, I think I'll be here most of the time.
A-L: Cool. I think Stuart's going to check in on her as well, but if you can make sure she's ok, that would be great.
Paul: No problem.
And then I gave him a look that said, "If anything happens to her, I hold you personally responsible."
...
And while I was gone, Ted dropped a marble slab on his foot and was off work for 5 days. But Kitty is fine. And now she expects to be fed six times a day.
A-L: Stuart, can you watch Kitty while I'm gone?
Stuart: Sure.
A-L: You need to give her fresh water every day, change the litter and feed her in the morning and at night.
Stuart: No problem.
A-L: If anything happens to her, I hold you personally responsible.
...
Three hours later...
A-L: Ted, I'm going to California for 18 days. Can you take care of Kitty?
Ted: No problem.
A-L: You need to give her fresh water every day, change the litter and feed her in the morning and at night.
Ted: No problem.
A-L: If anything happens to her, I hold you personally responsible.
...
Twenty minutes later...
A-L: Paul, can you watch Kitty while I'm at home?
Paul: Sure, I think I'll be here most of the time.
A-L: Cool. I think Stuart's going to check in on her as well, but if you can make sure she's ok, that would be great.
Paul: No problem.
And then I gave him a look that said, "If anything happens to her, I hold you personally responsible."
...
And while I was gone, Ted dropped a marble slab on his foot and was off work for 5 days. But Kitty is fine. And now she expects to be fed six times a day.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Itinerary
Peter: We have to get up at 4:30 tomorrow morning.
A-L: You can't possibly be talking to me.
Peter: The airport is very busy on Monday mornings.
A-L: So busy that I have to arrive three hours before my flight to Colorado Springs?
Peter: Colorado Springs? Is that one of the seven airports in London?
A-L: No, it's a town in Colorado. I have a layover there on the way to Chicago.
Peter: Chicago? Is there a jazz festival going on?
A-L: At the airport? I don't think so. I have a layover there on the way to London. Before my flight to Edinburgh.
Peter: Are you sure you don't want to stop in a couple more cities before you head home? Who booked this flight?
A-L: You did initially, but I changed it. Why do you ask?
Peter: It's a bit of a rookie move to fly through Colorado Springs on a Monday in July, don't you think? Everyone knows they have lightening storms in that part of the country in the summer.
A-L: The lightening storms start at 3pm. You could set your watch by them. I'm landing there at 11am.
Peter: Yeah, but if there are storms in Denver they route all those planes to Colorado Springs. So you could actually get stuck in Colorado Springs. Which would be ok, if you were one of the those weird stormchasers.
A-L: Stuck forever, in Colorado Springs?
Peter: It's not impossible. And it's the price you'll pay for changing a flight I booked.
A-L: Well, if you'll look at Exhibit A, the itinerary for the original flight you booked, the defendant was left with a 9-hour layover in Chicago. On a Monday, in July. Definitely a rookie move.
Peter: I have your confirmation number. I could route the defendant through Philly.
A-L: You can't possibly be talking to me.
Peter: The airport is very busy on Monday mornings.
A-L: So busy that I have to arrive three hours before my flight to Colorado Springs?
Peter: Colorado Springs? Is that one of the seven airports in London?
A-L: No, it's a town in Colorado. I have a layover there on the way to Chicago.
Peter: Chicago? Is there a jazz festival going on?
A-L: At the airport? I don't think so. I have a layover there on the way to London. Before my flight to Edinburgh.
Peter: Are you sure you don't want to stop in a couple more cities before you head home? Who booked this flight?
A-L: You did initially, but I changed it. Why do you ask?
Peter: It's a bit of a rookie move to fly through Colorado Springs on a Monday in July, don't you think? Everyone knows they have lightening storms in that part of the country in the summer.
A-L: The lightening storms start at 3pm. You could set your watch by them. I'm landing there at 11am.
Peter: Yeah, but if there are storms in Denver they route all those planes to Colorado Springs. So you could actually get stuck in Colorado Springs. Which would be ok, if you were one of the those weird stormchasers.
A-L: Stuck forever, in Colorado Springs?
Peter: It's not impossible. And it's the price you'll pay for changing a flight I booked.
A-L: Well, if you'll look at Exhibit A, the itinerary for the original flight you booked, the defendant was left with a 9-hour layover in Chicago. On a Monday, in July. Definitely a rookie move.
Peter: I have your confirmation number. I could route the defendant through Philly.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Science Class with Aila
Just some excerpts from Aila from the last couple weeks...
Aila to Irma: Do you know what comes out of a volcano?
Irma: What?
Aila: Lava. And magma. It's hot. Don't touch it.
...
Aila to A-L: Don't touch cicadas.
A-L: What's a cicada?
Aila: It's a bug. Don't touch them, they're expensive.
...
Aila to Man in the pool: Don't take the candy from hell.
Man: Oh, ok.
A-L to Man: "Candy from hell" means drugs.
Maria to A-L: That's my little holy roller.
...
Annais: Eow. (read: Meow.)
Aila to Irma: Do you know what comes out of a volcano?
Irma: What?
Aila: Lava. And magma. It's hot. Don't touch it.
...
Aila to A-L: Don't touch cicadas.
A-L: What's a cicada?
Aila: It's a bug. Don't touch them, they're expensive.
...
Aila to Man in the pool: Don't take the candy from hell.
Man: Oh, ok.
A-L to Man: "Candy from hell" means drugs.
Maria to A-L: That's my little holy roller.
...
Annais: Eow. (read: Meow.)
Thursday, July 13, 2006
MannBowles Wedding Mania - Part Deux
Just to clarify, Caroline hates Gerber daisies, not daisies.
So, the wedding gifts were moved off the bed in the guest room and downstairs to a display area. Mucho pewter. Mucho.
Caroline: This is only half the pewter.
A-L: Wow. That's a lot of pewter.
Caroline: And these dishes are Denby.
A-L: Wow. They're beautiful.
Caroline: Dave picked them out. They're English.
A-L: They look Scandinavian. Did I tell you my mom's from Finland?
Caroline: They're English. Denby is English. And this is our flatware. (Hands me a serving spoon.)
A-L: Wow. Very beautiful.
Caroline: It's stainless, not sterling.
A-L: I won't tell anyone.
So, the wedding gifts were moved off the bed in the guest room and downstairs to a display area. Mucho pewter. Mucho.
Caroline: This is only half the pewter.
A-L: Wow. That's a lot of pewter.
Caroline: And these dishes are Denby.
A-L: Wow. They're beautiful.
Caroline: Dave picked them out. They're English.
A-L: They look Scandinavian. Did I tell you my mom's from Finland?
Caroline: They're English. Denby is English. And this is our flatware. (Hands me a serving spoon.)
A-L: Wow. Very beautiful.
Caroline: It's stainless, not sterling.
A-L: I won't tell anyone.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Bowles-Ball, But Not - Part 1
So I'm staying at Dave and Caroline's place in Portland (see Hyphenations, Thursday March 02, 2006). The wedding is in September, so they are mid-wedding mania. I arrived on Sunday night as Caroline was flipping through magazines looking for bouquet and flower arrangement ideas.
Caroline: We were going to put you in the guest room, but it looks like a wedding shower threw up in there. (Leads me upstairs and shows me guest bed filled with wedding gifts.)
A-L: That's fine. I'll sleep in the hot tub.
Caroline: That's where I'm keeping bridal magazines.
A-L: The dining room table?
Caroline: That's the invitation addressing and stamping station.
A-L: That's ok. I'll stay up all night and look at bouquet ideas.
Caroline: Great. I'm meeting the florist tomorrow, so I want to show her some arrangements I like.
A-L: What are you looking for?
Caroline: I don't like spikey, or daisies, or cheap looking roses. I'd like a bouquet of flowers that are in season.
A-L: Wow, these are pretty.
Caroline: Those are (insert latin flower name), they're Spring flowers.
A-L: Oh. Well, these are pretty too.
Caroline: Spring flowers. We're getting married in September.
A-L: Oh. Uhh, what about tulips. My sister had those.
Caroline: Spring. Tulips are born in the Spring. We're getting married in the Fall.
A-L: Oh. Uhh, what's born in the Fall?
Caroline: (Insert latin flower names) are Fall flowers.
A-L: You could carry an ear of corn. And some wheat.
Caroline: I don't like spikey arrangements.
Caroline: We were going to put you in the guest room, but it looks like a wedding shower threw up in there. (Leads me upstairs and shows me guest bed filled with wedding gifts.)
A-L: That's fine. I'll sleep in the hot tub.
Caroline: That's where I'm keeping bridal magazines.
A-L: The dining room table?
Caroline: That's the invitation addressing and stamping station.
A-L: That's ok. I'll stay up all night and look at bouquet ideas.
Caroline: Great. I'm meeting the florist tomorrow, so I want to show her some arrangements I like.
A-L: What are you looking for?
Caroline: I don't like spikey, or daisies, or cheap looking roses. I'd like a bouquet of flowers that are in season.
A-L: Wow, these are pretty.
Caroline: Those are (insert latin flower name), they're Spring flowers.
A-L: Oh. Well, these are pretty too.
Caroline: Spring flowers. We're getting married in September.
A-L: Oh. Uhh, what about tulips. My sister had those.
Caroline: Spring. Tulips are born in the Spring. We're getting married in the Fall.
A-L: Oh. Uhh, what's born in the Fall?
Caroline: (Insert latin flower names) are Fall flowers.
A-L: You could carry an ear of corn. And some wheat.
Caroline: I don't like spikey arrangements.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Update (via Portland)
Polish Flatmate Ted finally made it back to Poland to visit his family, after a year and a half absence. He traveled home for his daughter Angela's first communion this May. Three weeks later Ted returned to Edinburgh with 330 kilos of Polish meat. He's currently working nights cleaning at the Sheraton, and mornings cleaning at Zizzi. In his free time he's learning verb conjugation, and eating Polish meat.
Scottish Flatmate Paul passed his third year exams and will start fourth year at Edinburgh Uni in September. In his free time he's geeking out, making travel plans, and pretending to not be madly in love with Kitty.
A-L is now working in export sales at the publisher, trying to keep cat hair off black clothes, and has recently started blogging again. In her free time, she's teaching herself the third person reflexive.
Scottish Flatmate Paul passed his third year exams and will start fourth year at Edinburgh Uni in September. In his free time he's geeking out, making travel plans, and pretending to not be madly in love with Kitty.
A-L is now working in export sales at the publisher, trying to keep cat hair off black clothes, and has recently started blogging again. In her free time, she's teaching herself the third person reflexive.
Kitty Care
Stuart is in charge of Kitty care while I'm Stateside. Worryingly, a couple days before I left, this conversation took place:
A-L: Do you still have the keys to the flat?
Stuart: Yeah, do you want them back?
A-L: Uh, no. You might need them to get into the flat to feed and comb and love and play with Kitty.
Stuart: Oh yeah.
A-L: Do you still have the keys to the flat?
Stuart: Yeah, do you want them back?
A-L: Uh, no. You might need them to get into the flat to feed and comb and love and play with Kitty.
Stuart: Oh yeah.
The Holloway Family Reunion
You missed it. We've been having reunions since 1960, and every two years since 1980, and it's over for another two years. The reunion was held this past weekend at the fairgrounds near Hood River, Oregon. Pictures to follow soon.
There was a bit of beer involved. And on Saturday night, there was music. And beer + music + family reunions = Cousin Tygh doing 'the worm'. And my dad had a bit of beer as well. Which led to this conversation the next day:
A-L: Peter had a bit of beer last night.
Cousin Steve: Yeah, he was havin' a good time.
A-L: I had to leave when he started doing the moonwalk.
Cousin Steve: No, I saw you around after that. He started moonwalking at about 7:30p.m.
A-L: During the auction?
Cousin Steve: Yeah.
A-L: Well, when my mom and I left at about 11:30pm I said to her, 'I hope someone puts your husband to bed.' That's when he was moonwalking in the middle of the circle of people dancing, right before Tygh did 'the worm'.
Cousin Steve: Yeah, if Tygh was doin' it, Peter was tryin' it.
There was a bit of beer involved. And on Saturday night, there was music. And beer + music + family reunions = Cousin Tygh doing 'the worm'. And my dad had a bit of beer as well. Which led to this conversation the next day:
A-L: Peter had a bit of beer last night.
Cousin Steve: Yeah, he was havin' a good time.
A-L: I had to leave when he started doing the moonwalk.
Cousin Steve: No, I saw you around after that. He started moonwalking at about 7:30p.m.
A-L: During the auction?
Cousin Steve: Yeah.
A-L: Well, when my mom and I left at about 11:30pm I said to her, 'I hope someone puts your husband to bed.' That's when he was moonwalking in the middle of the circle of people dancing, right before Tygh did 'the worm'.
Cousin Steve: Yeah, if Tygh was doin' it, Peter was tryin' it.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Construction Cards
It's a shame. This site has been neglected for far too long. I know I've lost my loyal readership by now. So, what can I do? I'll start posting and hope you rediscover my blog. Or, I'll post articles about Viagra and Botox in hopes of attracting a new, perhaps more vain, readership.
Forgive me. Life has been busy. A veritable whirlwind. Yes, I can write such silly things, as no one is reading this. Here's the update:
Kyle was here from L.A., and has gone. Paul's underpants were left untouched. (See previous comments section.) Kyle saw The Royal Botanic Gardens, Arthur's Seat, the outside of the Castle, Parliament, Holyrood Palace; inside of the National Museum of Scotland, and enjoyed food, beverages and/or music at Spoon, The City Cafe, Kebab Mahal, The Left Bank, Whistle Binkies and Star Bar. Don't know of these places, dear reader? Then come visit. Unless you're some creep who's just happened upon this web site.
Aila was playing cards with my sister last week, and apparently the card with the instructions on it was dealt. "Mommy, don't play with that card. It's the construction card," said Aila. "We don't play with the construction card." Too bad more people don't understand the constructs of the game.
Work is busy.
German classes are on hold for now.
July will be my next journey home.
Forgive me. Life has been busy. A veritable whirlwind. Yes, I can write such silly things, as no one is reading this. Here's the update:
Kyle was here from L.A., and has gone. Paul's underpants were left untouched. (See previous comments section.) Kyle saw The Royal Botanic Gardens, Arthur's Seat, the outside of the Castle, Parliament, Holyrood Palace; inside of the National Museum of Scotland, and enjoyed food, beverages and/or music at Spoon, The City Cafe, Kebab Mahal, The Left Bank, Whistle Binkies and Star Bar. Don't know of these places, dear reader? Then come visit. Unless you're some creep who's just happened upon this web site.
Aila was playing cards with my sister last week, and apparently the card with the instructions on it was dealt. "Mommy, don't play with that card. It's the construction card," said Aila. "We don't play with the construction card." Too bad more people don't understand the constructs of the game.
Work is busy.
German classes are on hold for now.
July will be my next journey home.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Interpol and Bengalese House Cats
Edinburgh is abuzz with the news of Dave and Caroline's engagement...but alas, there is other news to report.
I had to fill out a Disclosure Form for my work at the local college, so they can check if I have a police record. I was sitting in the HR office, showing identification, and trying to act professional, when the man says this: "Since you haven't lived in the UK for the past 5 years, they'll need to check your record with Interpol".
What?? My face lit up. Interpol? What will I wear? I can't believe it. Next thing you know I'll be on '60 Minutes', or in a witness protection program. My parents will be so proud.
And then, when I thought it couldn't get any better... today Paul took Kitty to the vet to get her stitches removed (from the splaying) and the vet asked him: "Do you know if she has any Bengalese in her? That might explain her shiny coat and her small size."
And her tiger stripes, maybe?? We have a Bengalese domestic tiger on our hands, and I just got her tubes tied. I'm looking into reversing the procedure...
I had to fill out a Disclosure Form for my work at the local college, so they can check if I have a police record. I was sitting in the HR office, showing identification, and trying to act professional, when the man says this: "Since you haven't lived in the UK for the past 5 years, they'll need to check your record with Interpol".
What?? My face lit up. Interpol? What will I wear? I can't believe it. Next thing you know I'll be on '60 Minutes', or in a witness protection program. My parents will be so proud.
And then, when I thought it couldn't get any better... today Paul took Kitty to the vet to get her stitches removed (from the splaying) and the vet asked him: "Do you know if she has any Bengalese in her? That might explain her shiny coat and her small size."
And her tiger stripes, maybe?? We have a Bengalese domestic tiger on our hands, and I just got her tubes tied. I'm looking into reversing the procedure...
Hyphenations
Caroline and Dave are engaged. Congratulations!And they have me and Boly Welch - a Portland temp agency - to thank. The seed of their relationship was planted much earlier (perhaps when my mother left Finland for America with the sole purpose of bearing me so that I could unite Dave and Caroline) but I'm only going to go back so far as 2001.
I had moved back to Portland, and had bills to pay, so I signed up at a temp agency. They soon found work for me at a company they said made 'security alarms'. Well, it was Tripwire, that famous data network integrity software provider, so all had a good laugh about burglar alarms.
And then I got to work, finding geek husbands for my social worker/teacher friends.
I promptly decided that Caroline should marry one of the programmers, Will Ball. For one very good reason: she could hyphenate her name and be Caroline Bowles-Ball. I even had a vision one night, in which an angel presented me with stationery that said "Dr. and Dr. Bowles-Ball". It was a short-lived dream, as I had never spoken to Will, and could find no way to sensibly broach the topic. Although I did rehearse: "Will, I'd like you to get a PhD, and marry my friend Caroline and then hyphenate your name." It never sounded quite right.
So, somewhere along the way, because of me - and Boly Welch - she met Dave, who worked at Tripwire. And they fell in love. And now they're getting married. And I don't care if she hyphenates her name. But she MUST name her first born after me. Even if it's a boy.
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