Wednesday, November 28, 2012


ALS: I'd like to buy this sandwich and bottle of beer.

Cashier: May I see your ID?

ALS: Do you have to be 37 to buy beer? (ha ha ha)

Cashier: I card everyone who looks under 50.

Monday, July 18, 2011


Emma (not to be confused with GEmma): I think I have Turret's Syndrome.

A-L: Is that a syndrome that causes you to misspell other syndromes?

Emma: Nope. It's a syndrome wherein you're envious of people whose homes have turrets. Extremely common in visitors to San Francisco.

Monday, July 11, 2011

No Film in the Camera

My Finnish fairy Godparents went to Russia about 25 years ago and took some amazing photographs. Not exactly sure at what point, but sometime - presumably after all the photo ops - they realized that there wasn't any film in the camera. Which reminds me...

...back in early(ish) June I sat at a dinner table with Sister Maria, The Dog-Father, Peter the Greek, The Downstairs Neighbor of the Upstairs Unicorn, and Grand brother Hector's cousins, amongst other characters as-yet-unknown in this sphere. Did I take a picture?

No. Left the film in Russia. With my Finnish fairy Godparents.

Those Silly Germans

The Dog-Father: Why aren't you blogging?

A-L: Nothing funny has happened.

D-F: That's why you should go hiking with those Germans.

A-L: Pardon?

D-F: There's a German Tourist Club. They have a hike planned for next weekend. You should go.

A-L: What makes you think I think Germans are funny?

Sister Maria: I told him.

D-F: Please report back to me after the hike. Thanks.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

SE Portland Update

Caroline: Hello?

A-L: Hi. I wasn't expecting you to answer the phone.

Caroline: Well, we are about to sit down to dinner, and my mom is visiting...

A-L: And you have a newborn and a three-year-old...

Caroline: But I do have a minute to say hello.

A-L: I was resigned to the fact that you're going to be busy for the next three years. And our friendship would continue via a series of unreturned answering machine messages. Does anyone else think Dave sounds like a robot on the answering machine?

Caroline: Yes, and yes. I am busy, but immobilized. That's what happens when you have a newborn.

A-L: Well, it's so nice to hear your voice, even for a minute.Please tell everyone hello from me.

Caroline: Zoey's back on prozac.

A-L: Sorry I don't remember Zoey. Is that someone Dave and I worked with at Tripwire? Or no, that was your manager at the Macaroni Grill in Little Rock.

Caroline: Zoey the cat.

A-L: Of course. I knew the god of blogging dialed your number for a reason.

Caroline: And Cujo's always been on Prozac.

A-L: Generic or name brand?

Caroline: Name brand.

A-L: Of course. Let's talk soon.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


Dear Baby Ben,

Welcome. Will they now have to change the blog name to "Big Dutch Babies?"

Jus sayin...

Friday, February 18, 2011

The Sunny Side of Life

Sister Maria: I'm soooo bummed I'm sick and on antibiotics. I wanted to do two things this weekend to (belatedly) celebrate my birthday with all of you: 1. Play in the snow. 2. Drink wine. And I can't do either of those things.

And then a little voice from the Peanut Gallery chimed in...

Annais: But you can still drink coffee!

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

The Unicorn Chronicles

I have an update from Dana, our long-suffering downstairs neighbor of an upstairs unicorn.

A-L: What's news? Any unicorn sightings?

Dana: We've done some more forensic work and confirmed that it's definitely a unicorn, or someone who moves about their room via a rolling chair.

A-L: Like a wheelchair?

Dana: No. Like an office chair.

A-L: Oh, like that scene from the opening credits of Family Ties, when Alex P. Keaton rolls across his room? It's the episode where he was taking speed.

Dana: Maybe. Although I don't think the unicorn is on speed.

A-L: Conjecture.

Dana: Indeed.