At the grocery store this morning. Buying sparkling wine.
25-year-old male Cashier looks at wine, looks at me, and says: Oh, you look old enough.
50-something man behind me in line meets my eyes, and looks terrified for the 25-year-old cashier.
A-L: How old do I look?
50-something man behind me in line looks ready to drop his groceries and run.
Cashier: I'd say 35.
50-something man starts whimpering.
A-L: Nope, guess again.
Cashier: Higher?
50-something man feints.
A-L: You're not married, are you?
Cashier: Nope.
50-something man: Didn't think so.
A-L: What if I told you I'm 24 years old?
Kitty: Maybe in dog years.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Don't Strike ME With Lightning
Jewish downstairs neighbor/Sound Engineer Michael was regaling me with stories of his work at a private party on Friday night, the first night of Hanukkah.
Jewish Downstairs Neighbor/Sound Engineer Michael: The food at this private party was amazing. I was eating this mini pizza, and it was soooo good. I couldn't figure out what the secret ingredient was. But it was irresistibly delicious.
A-L: Wow. Tell me more.
JDN/SE M: It had pesto on it. And then it dawned on me why it was so good.
A-L: Don't say it.
JDN/SE M: That's right, it had bacon on it.
A-L: You ate bacon on the first night of Hanukkah?
DN/SE M: Everything's better with bacon. Even Hanukkah.
Jewish Downstairs Neighbor/Sound Engineer Michael: The food at this private party was amazing. I was eating this mini pizza, and it was soooo good. I couldn't figure out what the secret ingredient was. But it was irresistibly delicious.
A-L: Wow. Tell me more.
JDN/SE M: It had pesto on it. And then it dawned on me why it was so good.
A-L: Don't say it.
JDN/SE M: That's right, it had bacon on it.
A-L: You ate bacon on the first night of Hanukkah?
DN/SE M: Everything's better with bacon. Even Hanukkah.
Friday, December 11, 2009
No Signs
The D-F and his handsome friend, Calvin, are moving up the street. I'm worried about Calvin's safety in a home where lots of people are coming and going. So I offered to make a sign for the door to inform guests/roommates about proper dog safety. IE: Don't let Calvin outside.
The D-F: What would the sign say?
A-L: Well, when Kitty and I lived together, I posted a sign on the inside of the door with a picture of a cat on it, crossed out. That let everyone know she wasn't allowed outside. I could do the same for Calvin.
The D-F: Usually a picture with a line through it means "NO", as in "NO CATS."
A-L: Oh. Do you think Kitty interpreted it as me being anti-cat? Is that why we were always add odds?
The D-F: At odds? Over what?
A-L: Her literary voice, of course.
The D-F: What would the sign say?
A-L: Well, when Kitty and I lived together, I posted a sign on the inside of the door with a picture of a cat on it, crossed out. That let everyone know she wasn't allowed outside. I could do the same for Calvin.
The D-F: Usually a picture with a line through it means "NO", as in "NO CATS."
A-L: Oh. Do you think Kitty interpreted it as me being anti-cat? Is that why we were always add odds?
The D-F: At odds? Over what?
A-L: Her literary voice, of course.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
The Miserable Johnsons
I don't know the full story, but I won't let that stop me.
In years gone by, my friend Dave's family celebrated Christmas with the Johnsons. Apparently the tradition went on for years. Too many years for one of Dave's siblings, who blurted out - at the Christmas table, mind - "You Johnsons ruin every Christmas!"
Some friends used to play the game "if you could eavesdrop on any conversation in history, which would you choose?" More enlightened folks chose historical events like the meeting where the JFK assassination plot was hatched, the Last Supper, the negotiations Prince went through to get out of his contract with Sony, blah, blah...
I'm not enlightened. I choose that Christmas Dinner at Dave's family's home.
This Thanksgiving, I received a text from Dave's Wife that said: "You Johnsons ruin every Christmas." That's all it said. Which made me think the Johnsons have expanded their work to include the Thanksgiving holiday. Hope that's not the case.
In years gone by, my friend Dave's family celebrated Christmas with the Johnsons. Apparently the tradition went on for years. Too many years for one of Dave's siblings, who blurted out - at the Christmas table, mind - "You Johnsons ruin every Christmas!"
Some friends used to play the game "if you could eavesdrop on any conversation in history, which would you choose?" More enlightened folks chose historical events like the meeting where the JFK assassination plot was hatched, the Last Supper, the negotiations Prince went through to get out of his contract with Sony, blah, blah...
I'm not enlightened. I choose that Christmas Dinner at Dave's family's home.
This Thanksgiving, I received a text from Dave's Wife that said: "You Johnsons ruin every Christmas." That's all it said. Which made me think the Johnsons have expanded their work to include the Thanksgiving holiday. Hope that's not the case.
Monday, December 07, 2009
More Disappointment
I have found another person who was somewhat disappointed by "the breathtaking, amazing feat of engineering which is the Golden Gate Bridge".
Sara's reaction upon seeing this majestic structure: Oh, it's so short.
Sara's reaction upon seeing this majestic structure: Oh, it's so short.
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