Ted was home in Poland for two and half weeks, and arrived back in Edinburgh on Friday. Which means there are now 55 kilos of Polish sausage in our refrigerator. "Pig", he keeps telling me. I think he means "pork".
So on Saturday morning I asked Ted if he wanted to go with me to my gym, as a guest, so he could soak in the jacuzzi.
Ted: Jacuzzi? Fantastic.
A-L: I'll take that as a yes.
Ted: 15 minutes.
And then he has a conference with Justyna behind closed doors. And comes back to me and says, "maybe problem." So I summon him back to Justyna's room so she can translate and help me understand what the "maybe problem" is.
Turns out he's nervous about the situation because he's never been to a gym. So I explain to Justyna the order of operations, and she translates. He seems happy with the explanation.
Ted: 15 minutes. Ok?
A-L: Let's go now.
Ted: Shave first.
A-L: You can shave at the gym.
Ted disappears into the bathroom, for ages. Ages. And then I hear the shower start.
A-L: What is he doing? He can take a shower at the gym, AFTER we go in the jacuzzi.
Justyna: Is this my first speaking part on your blog?
A-L: It'll be your last if you don't stick to the script. Why is he showering?
Justyna: It's a basic principle - you shower and get ready before you leave the house, no matter where you are going.
So Ted finally is ready: collared shirt, suede jacket, nice trousers. We arrive at the gym, which is accessed by a swipe card, and ascend the dark steel staircase. It's a bit like going into a secret lair, if you're Ted. He indicates he's nervous, by showing his heart is pounding. So we check in, and get towels. And then, it takes me 15, maybe 17, minutes to explain that he has to change in the men's locker room, which you enter by a door from the workout area, and then exit down to the pool through another door and an internal hallway.
Hallway, internal, access, and second are all words Ted doesn't know. And then he seems confused about where he's supposed to change. Uh oh.
Ted: Where get dressed?
A-L: In the men's locker room, Ted. Not on the treadmill. Or in the internal hallway.
A-L: There's a token that you have to insert in the coin slot, which releases the key. I'm going to change. I'll see you in the jacuzzi.
So I'm in the jacuzzi long enough to make friends with a couple from London, and Ted still isn't down at the pool area. I explain to them why I keep looking towards the entrance, and how I'm a little worried that I've lost a Pole in the bowels of Escape Health Club. And then Ted swans down the stairs, with a towel wrapped tightly around his waist.
Uh oh. It's not that kind of jacuzzi party. This isn't Dave and Caroline's.
I look alarmed. Ted looks and me and my new best friends, and says "oh". He looks sheepish. He does an about face, and heads back towards the stairs. And then he takes his towel off to reveal: the shorts I leant him to wear in the jacuzzi.
We jacuzzied, swam, saunaed, lounged on the lounge chairs. All went well. On the walk home Ted said "jacuzzi first time, 33 years old."