Boot Camp

Cousin Tina: We're going for a 17-mile bike ride today.

A-L: Do you want me to pass that message on to someone?

Cousin Tina: Um, yourself. We're leaving at 11 a.m., and you're riding Daniel's bike.

A-L: Cool. I hope Daniel can see past me sitting on the handlebars. Or am I riding in one of those carts?

Cousin Tina: Daniel's staying at home.

A-L: Oh, I see. It's remote control. Is it a new Wii game?

Cousin Tina: Call it what you like.

Mile 2 -

A-L: I'm HUNGRY.

Cousin Tina: I'm AUSTRIA. Keep pedaling. We're almost to the 1/8 mark.

Mile 3.5 -

A-L: I have to pee.

Cousin Tina: We're almost to the spot where I won't be lying if I say we're getting a bit closer to the half-way mark.

A-L: I hate word problems. Holly, are we there yet?

Cousin Holly: I don't speak 'whining'.

A-L: Tina, Holly won't talk to me. I have to pee.

Mile 5.5 -

A-L: Is it time for our banana bread snack yet?

Cousin Tina: I can tell by looking at you that your blood sugar hasn't dropped that low. Keep pedaling. We're getting closer.

A-L: By my calculations we're getting farther away from the house. And bathrooms. Did I mention I have to pee? And can a dietitian really tell someone's blood sugar level just by looking at them?

Cousin Tina: I can. And I have the power to determine when hypochondria has set in. You're in the advanced stages.

A-L: Does that mean I get to travel home in one of those carts? Is Cousin Gary coming to pick me up? And is the only cure a chocolate and peanut butter milkshake?

Cousin Tina: I need to observe you riding the bike for a couple more miles before I can clearly diagnose the situation.

Mile 7 -

A-L: I think I'm going into shock. If I pass on here, tell my parents, and Sister Maria, Grandbrother Hector, Aila and Annais and the rest of the Finn-family Sandstrum trolls that I loved them very much. And the $30.78 that's left in my 401(k) after the stellar stock market performance of 2008 should be divided evenly between Aila and Annais, and their boxer, Binx.

Cousin Tina: Noted. We have 1.5 miles to go until we're at the turn-around point.

A-L: Can I pee when we we get to the turn-around point? And are there hot tubs there? And wine and cheese?

Cousin Holly: Plenty of whine along the way.

Cousin Tina: Lincoln Airport is our turn-around point.

A-L: Are we only in Nebraska? We've been riding for days.

Cousin Tina: It's been 40 minutes. And we're not in the Midwest, technically. We're 7 miles away from where we started. Still in California.

A-L: Will search and rescue be able to find us out here?

Cousin Tina: I'm going to let Holly field that question.

Radio silence.

Mile 8.5 -

Cousin Tina: We'll, we're here.

A-L: Where are they hiding the hot tubs and the buffet table? This looks like a cul-de-sac next to an airstrip. And I have to pee.

Cousin Tina: You can pee here.

A-L: With low-flying aircraft overhead?

Cousin Tina: It's either that or hold it all the way back to the house.

A-L: How far is it back to the house?

Cousin Tina: Divide 17 by 2.

A-L: I didn't bring a calculator. And the suspense is killing me.

Cousin Tina: It'll take us just as long to get home as it did to get here.

A-L: If I can keep up that same pace.

Cousin Holly: Really? Do you think you could possibly ride your bike more slowly than you did on the way here?

And by some miracle we made it back to the house, on bikes.

A-L: Tina, do you think I'll be in shape by April to join you on the Wildflower 60-mile bike ride in Chico?

Radio silence.