Yesterday morning. At the house. Getting ready to leave.
Roommate Morgan (aka "The Seahorse Whisperer", but more on that later): Wow, it's beautiful outside.
A-L: It is. I think I'll drive 35 miles down the Peninsula and spend the day working in a cubicle.
The Seahorse Whisperer: I think I'll go spend the day sitting in a windowless lab.
Roommate Will: I think I'll go spend the day in the theater with a bunch of middle schoolers.
Kitty: You win.
Saturday, February 06, 2010
Monday, February 01, 2010
That Elusive Kitchen Table
A-L: I need help finding a kitchen table.
Peter-the-Greek: Did the old one run away?
A-L: In a sense. It went to a better home. Downstairs Neighbor and Former Roommate Michael (aka "Jewish Downstairs Neighbor/Sound Engineer Michael") was bequeathed the table by a former roommate. So we had to let her go.
P the G: What's the problem? Kitchen tables practically fall from the sky in a city of renters.
A-L: That's exactly what I'm hoping for. I want the perfect kitchen table to land in our kitchen. Upright. I'm tempted just to go to IKEA.
P the G: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! You can't just go to IKEA.
Downstairs Neighbor and Former Roommate Michael: Hi. What are you guys talking about?
A-L: The case of the missing kitchen table.
P the G: Our job is to stop her from going to IKEA.
DN+FRM: Craigslist all the way.
P the G: I don't know about "all the way". I have rule: If a cat can pee on it, I won't buy it from Craigslist.
A-L: I'm against Craigslist because it involves a lot of legwork. And what *can't* a cat pee on?
Caroline: True dat.
DN+FRM: We'll do the work for you. Peter and I will find the tables, and e-mail you the links.
P the G: In between looking for dates.
A-L: Too much work.
P the G: Reading an e-mail is too much work?
A-L: Vetting the kitchen table choices, calling the owners to make appointments to "meet" the tables, driving 930 blocks to look at them...that's too much work. I believe my patience will be rewarded.
Kitty: Until then, dinner in the garage.
Peter-the-Greek: Did the old one run away?
A-L: In a sense. It went to a better home. Downstairs Neighbor and Former Roommate Michael (aka "Jewish Downstairs Neighbor/Sound Engineer Michael") was bequeathed the table by a former roommate. So we had to let her go.
P the G: What's the problem? Kitchen tables practically fall from the sky in a city of renters.
A-L: That's exactly what I'm hoping for. I want the perfect kitchen table to land in our kitchen. Upright. I'm tempted just to go to IKEA.
P the G: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! You can't just go to IKEA.
Downstairs Neighbor and Former Roommate Michael: Hi. What are you guys talking about?
A-L: The case of the missing kitchen table.
P the G: Our job is to stop her from going to IKEA.
DN+FRM: Craigslist all the way.
P the G: I don't know about "all the way". I have rule: If a cat can pee on it, I won't buy it from Craigslist.
A-L: I'm against Craigslist because it involves a lot of legwork. And what *can't* a cat pee on?
Caroline: True dat.
DN+FRM: We'll do the work for you. Peter and I will find the tables, and e-mail you the links.
P the G: In between looking for dates.
A-L: Too much work.
P the G: Reading an e-mail is too much work?
A-L: Vetting the kitchen table choices, calling the owners to make appointments to "meet" the tables, driving 930 blocks to look at them...that's too much work. I believe my patience will be rewarded.
Kitty: Until then, dinner in the garage.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Update from Dingwall
Norette, our Highlands correspondent, and I had the following conversation...
A-L: Hi. How's life in Dingwall?
Norette: Busy as ever. I'm getting ready for my Birthday party.
A-L: It's not for months.
Norette: The 15th of May is right around the corner. Will you be here?
A-L: Och, aye. What's the theme?
Norette: How'd you know there'd be a theme?
A-L: Just a hunch.
Norette: The theme is Around the World in 80 Days. It's Fancy Dress, so you have to come dressed as something from a country. Ideally one you want to visit.
A-L: I've always wanted to go to Brazil, but there's now way I'll be able to fit this outfit in my carry-on.
Norette: What about a Finnish National Costume?
A-L: I think you have to know how to do origami to make that hat, and I just don't have the patience for it.
Norette: Well, if you need any inspiration, Gemma and I are going to be in Kimonos. And my friend Bev is going to be the Statue of Liberty.
A-L: Wow. Sound great.
Norette: And my granny is going flamenco.
A-L: I'm not familiar with the term.
A-L: Hi. How's life in Dingwall?
Norette: Busy as ever. I'm getting ready for my Birthday party.
A-L: It's not for months.
Norette: The 15th of May is right around the corner. Will you be here?
A-L: Och, aye. What's the theme?
Norette: How'd you know there'd be a theme?
A-L: Just a hunch.
Norette: The theme is Around the World in 80 Days. It's Fancy Dress, so you have to come dressed as something from a country. Ideally one you want to visit.
A-L: I've always wanted to go to Brazil, but there's now way I'll be able to fit this outfit in my carry-on.
Norette: What about a Finnish National Costume?
A-L: I think you have to know how to do origami to make that hat, and I just don't have the patience for it.
Norette: Well, if you need any inspiration, Gemma and I are going to be in Kimonos. And my friend Bev is going to be the Statue of Liberty.
A-L: Wow. Sound great.
Norette: And my granny is going flamenco.
A-L: I'm not familiar with the term.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
The Greek Woody Allen
A-L: How are you?
Peter the Greek: I think I'm turning into Woody Allen.
A-L: Tell me more.
Peter the Greek: I just feel like I'm channeling him, more and more.
A-L: But you're Greek.
Peter the Greek: So?
A-L: And you're not neurotic.
Peter the Greek: And?
A-L: And you're not a short divorced Jewish screenwriter and actor.
Peter the Greek: Ok. I'm Larry David as Woody Allen.
Peter the Greek: I think I'm turning into Woody Allen.
A-L: Tell me more.
Peter the Greek: I just feel like I'm channeling him, more and more.
A-L: But you're Greek.
Peter the Greek: So?
A-L: And you're not neurotic.
Peter the Greek: And?
A-L: And you're not a short divorced Jewish screenwriter and actor.
Peter the Greek: Ok. I'm Larry David as Woody Allen.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
What *NOT* to Say
At the grocery store this morning. Buying sparkling wine.
25-year-old male Cashier looks at wine, looks at me, and says: Oh, you look old enough.
50-something man behind me in line meets my eyes, and looks terrified for the 25-year-old cashier.
A-L: How old do I look?
50-something man behind me in line looks ready to drop his groceries and run.
Cashier: I'd say 35.
50-something man starts whimpering.
A-L: Nope, guess again.
Cashier: Higher?
50-something man feints.
A-L: You're not married, are you?
Cashier: Nope.
50-something man: Didn't think so.
A-L: What if I told you I'm 24 years old?
Kitty: Maybe in dog years.
25-year-old male Cashier looks at wine, looks at me, and says: Oh, you look old enough.
50-something man behind me in line meets my eyes, and looks terrified for the 25-year-old cashier.
A-L: How old do I look?
50-something man behind me in line looks ready to drop his groceries and run.
Cashier: I'd say 35.
50-something man starts whimpering.
A-L: Nope, guess again.
Cashier: Higher?
50-something man feints.
A-L: You're not married, are you?
Cashier: Nope.
50-something man: Didn't think so.
A-L: What if I told you I'm 24 years old?
Kitty: Maybe in dog years.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Don't Strike ME With Lightning
Jewish downstairs neighbor/Sound Engineer Michael was regaling me with stories of his work at a private party on Friday night, the first night of Hanukkah.
Jewish Downstairs Neighbor/Sound Engineer Michael: The food at this private party was amazing. I was eating this mini pizza, and it was soooo good. I couldn't figure out what the secret ingredient was. But it was irresistibly delicious.
A-L: Wow. Tell me more.
JDN/SE M: It had pesto on it. And then it dawned on me why it was so good.
A-L: Don't say it.
JDN/SE M: That's right, it had bacon on it.
A-L: You ate bacon on the first night of Hanukkah?
DN/SE M: Everything's better with bacon. Even Hanukkah.
Jewish Downstairs Neighbor/Sound Engineer Michael: The food at this private party was amazing. I was eating this mini pizza, and it was soooo good. I couldn't figure out what the secret ingredient was. But it was irresistibly delicious.
A-L: Wow. Tell me more.
JDN/SE M: It had pesto on it. And then it dawned on me why it was so good.
A-L: Don't say it.
JDN/SE M: That's right, it had bacon on it.
A-L: You ate bacon on the first night of Hanukkah?
DN/SE M: Everything's better with bacon. Even Hanukkah.
Friday, December 11, 2009
No Signs
The D-F and his handsome friend, Calvin, are moving up the street. I'm worried about Calvin's safety in a home where lots of people are coming and going. So I offered to make a sign for the door to inform guests/roommates about proper dog safety. IE: Don't let Calvin outside.
The D-F: What would the sign say?
A-L: Well, when Kitty and I lived together, I posted a sign on the inside of the door with a picture of a cat on it, crossed out. That let everyone know she wasn't allowed outside. I could do the same for Calvin.
The D-F: Usually a picture with a line through it means "NO", as in "NO CATS."
A-L: Oh. Do you think Kitty interpreted it as me being anti-cat? Is that why we were always add odds?
The D-F: At odds? Over what?
A-L: Her literary voice, of course.
The D-F: What would the sign say?
A-L: Well, when Kitty and I lived together, I posted a sign on the inside of the door with a picture of a cat on it, crossed out. That let everyone know she wasn't allowed outside. I could do the same for Calvin.
The D-F: Usually a picture with a line through it means "NO", as in "NO CATS."
A-L: Oh. Do you think Kitty interpreted it as me being anti-cat? Is that why we were always add odds?
The D-F: At odds? Over what?
A-L: Her literary voice, of course.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
The Miserable Johnsons
I don't know the full story, but I won't let that stop me.
In years gone by, my friend Dave's family celebrated Christmas with the Johnsons. Apparently the tradition went on for years. Too many years for one of Dave's siblings, who blurted out - at the Christmas table, mind - "You Johnsons ruin every Christmas!"
Some friends used to play the game "if you could eavesdrop on any conversation in history, which would you choose?" More enlightened folks chose historical events like the meeting where the JFK assassination plot was hatched, the Last Supper, the negotiations Prince went through to get out of his contract with Sony, blah, blah...
I'm not enlightened. I choose that Christmas Dinner at Dave's family's home.
This Thanksgiving, I received a text from Dave's Wife that said: "You Johnsons ruin every Christmas." That's all it said. Which made me think the Johnsons have expanded their work to include the Thanksgiving holiday. Hope that's not the case.
In years gone by, my friend Dave's family celebrated Christmas with the Johnsons. Apparently the tradition went on for years. Too many years for one of Dave's siblings, who blurted out - at the Christmas table, mind - "You Johnsons ruin every Christmas!"
Some friends used to play the game "if you could eavesdrop on any conversation in history, which would you choose?" More enlightened folks chose historical events like the meeting where the JFK assassination plot was hatched, the Last Supper, the negotiations Prince went through to get out of his contract with Sony, blah, blah...
I'm not enlightened. I choose that Christmas Dinner at Dave's family's home.
This Thanksgiving, I received a text from Dave's Wife that said: "You Johnsons ruin every Christmas." That's all it said. Which made me think the Johnsons have expanded their work to include the Thanksgiving holiday. Hope that's not the case.
Monday, December 07, 2009
More Disappointment
I have found another person who was somewhat disappointed by "the breathtaking, amazing feat of engineering which is the Golden Gate Bridge".
Sara's reaction upon seeing this majestic structure: Oh, it's so short.
Sara's reaction upon seeing this majestic structure: Oh, it's so short.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Six Degrees of NPR Correspondents
A few months ago a real-live reporter from NPR was at the cafe across the street from my house, The Velo Rouge, interviewing patrons about the Tour de France (say in a French accent). Of course I had to talk to him.
A-L (Holding out her cell phone like it's a microphone): Hi, who are you?
Reporter: Ummm, I'm conducting an interview for NPR.
A-L: You're a reporter for NPR?
Reporter: I'm an intern.
A-L: We all have to start somewhere.
Intern: I'm doing an internship at KQED.
A-L: Do you know Sylvia Poggioli?
A-L (Holding out her cell phone like it's a microphone): Hi, who are you?
Reporter: Ummm, I'm conducting an interview for NPR.
A-L: You're a reporter for NPR?
Reporter: I'm an intern.
A-L: We all have to start somewhere.
Intern: I'm doing an internship at KQED.
A-L: Do you know Sylvia Poggioli?
Friday, November 20, 2009
Kitty Writes On
Public Safety Pete: I see you've resurrected your blog, A-L. And Kitty is back. He's as feisty as ever.
A-L: HE?!??
Kitty: Do I look like a man?
PSP: No. My sincere apologies. But I've noticed something odd in the photo above.
Kitty: The fact that I'm left-handed?
PSP: No.
A-L: That there's a cat on the table?
PSP: No.
Kitty: Is it that Wreckless Cousin Tina's spontaneously combustible dish towel somehow made it's way to Culross, Scotland?
PSP: Yes.
A-L: HE?!??
Kitty: Do I look like a man?
PSP: No. My sincere apologies. But I've noticed something odd in the photo above.
Kitty: The fact that I'm left-handed?
PSP: No.
A-L: That there's a cat on the table?
PSP: No.
Kitty: Is it that Wreckless Cousin Tina's spontaneously combustible dish towel somehow made it's way to Culross, Scotland?
PSP: Yes.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
A Retro Post-Modern Tale (sponsored by Yertle the Turtle)
Sister Maria is reading Dr. Seuss to the pygmy marmosets.
Sister Maria: "Turtle on Typewriter."
Annais: What's a typewriter?
Aila: I saw one at the Children's Discovery Museum.
Kitty: I need a cigarette.
Sister Maria: "Turtle on Typewriter."
Annais: What's a typewriter?
Aila: I saw one at the Children's Discovery Museum.
Kitty: I need a cigarette.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
The Creative Process
A-L: I need your help finishing a blog post.
Neighbor JB (aka "The Dog-Father"): What are you looking for?
A-L: A witty closing remark.
The D-F: Who's the speaker?
A-L: The character who gets all the good lines.
The D-F: I can't think like a cat.
Neighbor JB (aka "The Dog-Father"): What are you looking for?
A-L: A witty closing remark.
The D-F: Who's the speaker?
A-L: The character who gets all the good lines.
The D-F: I can't think like a cat.
Monday, November 16, 2009
PSP & Wreckless Cousin Tina Cross Paths
Recently we gathered with the Irma side of the family to celebrate my uncle and cousin's birthdays. Someone invited Public Safety Pete...
PSP: Um, I don't mean to be a spoilsport, but Tina, you're doing something very unsafe.
Cousin Tina: That's unlike me. Do I have to guess what it is?
PSP: No, it's totally obscure and unlikely to ever result in an accident.
Kitty: The suspense is killing me.
PSP: You should never...
A-L: THAT'S the perfect title for Public Safety Pete's guide to life: "You Should Never..."
PSP: ... hang a dish towel on the top oven handle.
Kitty: I'd like to cancel my advance order for the book.
PSP: If there's a fire in the lower oven, and you open the oven door, that dish towel hanging above it will catch fire instantly.
Kitty: I'm going outside for a cigarette.
PSP: Um, I don't mean to be a spoilsport, but Tina, you're doing something very unsafe.
Cousin Tina: That's unlike me. Do I have to guess what it is?
PSP: No, it's totally obscure and unlikely to ever result in an accident.
Kitty: The suspense is killing me.
PSP: You should never...
A-L: THAT'S the perfect title for Public Safety Pete's guide to life: "You Should Never..."
PSP: ... hang a dish towel on the top oven handle.
Kitty: I'd like to cancel my advance order for the book.
PSP: If there's a fire in the lower oven, and you open the oven door, that dish towel hanging above it will catch fire instantly.
Kitty: I'm going outside for a cigarette.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Como?
Sister Maria: Blah, blah, blah (in German)
A-L: Blahhhdee blah blah blah (in German)
Annais: Why are you speaking Spanish?
A-L: Blahhhdee blah blah blah (in German)
Annais: Why are you speaking Spanish?
Monday, August 24, 2009
Birthday Wish
A-L: What does Aila want for her birthday?
Sister Maria: It's a white horse, with a tiara. From Target.
A-L: Of course. Get her on the line, please. I'd like to speak to her.
Aila: Hello?
A-L: Hi. Your mom said your birthday wish is for a white horse with a tiara, from Target. If I wanted to buy it for you, how would I find it?
(true story)
Aila: Ok, so you go to Target.
A-L: Uh huh?
Aila: And you to the toy section.
A-L: Yes.
Aila: And you look for the horses. And it's the one with the tiara.
Sister Maria: It's a white horse, with a tiara. From Target.
A-L: Of course. Get her on the line, please. I'd like to speak to her.
Aila: Hello?
A-L: Hi. Your mom said your birthday wish is for a white horse with a tiara, from Target. If I wanted to buy it for you, how would I find it?
(true story)
Aila: Ok, so you go to Target.
A-L: Uh huh?
Aila: And you to the toy section.
A-L: Yes.
Aila: And you look for the horses. And it's the one with the tiara.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Back to Craigslist...
Michael: I'm moving out.
A-L: You're not!
Michael: I am. But not far. I'm moving downstairs.
A-L: Like, under the stairs.
Michael: No, to Liz's studio.
A-L: Won't Liz's boyfriend mind?
Michael: She won't be living there.
A-L: You'll be living with her boyfriend?
Michael: I refuse to answer your ridiculous questions.
A-L: So are you nervous about finding me and Will a new roommate?
Michael: Craigslist has all the answers.
So once again, I turn to the internet. What could go wrong?
A-L: You're not!
Michael: I am. But not far. I'm moving downstairs.
A-L: Like, under the stairs.
Michael: No, to Liz's studio.
A-L: Won't Liz's boyfriend mind?
Michael: She won't be living there.
A-L: You'll be living with her boyfriend?
Michael: I refuse to answer your ridiculous questions.
A-L: So are you nervous about finding me and Will a new roommate?
Michael: Craigslist has all the answers.
So once again, I turn to the internet. What could go wrong?
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Upstaged
A-L: Hi! Happy Anniversary.
Public Safety Pete: Who is this?
A-L: Very funny. That only works once a year.
Irma: Hi. Did you call to wish us a Happy 40th Anniversary?
A-L: I certainly did. And I'll patch Sister Maria in so that she can send her greetings.
Sister Maria: Happy Anniversary. I have bad news. The elaborate anniversary party we've been planning for ages is canceled.
PSP: What happened?
Sister Maria: Michael Jackson stole your venue.
Irma: You were going to have our party at the Stapler Center?
A-L: Funny, my former colleague Hamid used to call the Staples Center that as well.
PSP: Looks like we'll have to settle for leftovers, an evening walk, and then fall asleep watching the 10 o'clock news.
Irma: Speak for yourself, I'm taking the red eye to Vegas and hittin' the black jack tables.
Public Safety Pete: Who is this?
A-L: Very funny. That only works once a year.
Irma: Hi. Did you call to wish us a Happy 40th Anniversary?
A-L: I certainly did. And I'll patch Sister Maria in so that she can send her greetings.
Sister Maria: Happy Anniversary. I have bad news. The elaborate anniversary party we've been planning for ages is canceled.
PSP: What happened?
Sister Maria: Michael Jackson stole your venue.
Irma: You were going to have our party at the Stapler Center?
A-L: Funny, my former colleague Hamid used to call the Staples Center that as well.
PSP: Looks like we'll have to settle for leftovers, an evening walk, and then fall asleep watching the 10 o'clock news.
Irma: Speak for yourself, I'm taking the red eye to Vegas and hittin' the black jack tables.
Sunday, July 05, 2009
My Super Cute Neighbor
This is Calvin. My neighbor. He's even sweeter than he looks. His hobbies include chasing the ball, making friends, and napping. (He doesn't know he has one German Shepherd ear, and one Rottweiler ear.)
Kitty: He didn't.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
A Man, A Plan, An Anniversary Party in Panorama City
Sister Maria: Cousin Judy had a great suggestion for the 40th Anniversary party.
A-L: Was it to seat Mrs. Meyer next to Mr. Meher, and vice versa?
Sister Maria: Close. She thought of the *perfect* venue.
A-L: I know exactly what I'm going to make you say.
Sister Maria: That's right, she suggested the Knight's Head Inn in North Hollywood.
A-L: The bar where Pete and Irma met?
Sister Maria: That's right.
A-L: You know Irma's mortified that she met her husband in a bar.
Kitty: Especially since it's really in Panorama City, and not the more-glamorous-sounding North Hollywood.
Sister Maria: Public Safety Pete says it's not there anymore.
A-L: Well, I Googled "Knight's Head Inn", and all I get are some posts from a woman who is looking for her birth mother, who used to work there.
Sister Maria: I'll phone Pete and Irma and ask them if they remember a waitress named Linda Turco.
Kitty: She's on Facebook.
Sister Maria: So we've reunited someone with her mother, but still no venue.
Kitty: Stay tuned.
A-L: Was it to seat Mrs. Meyer next to Mr. Meher, and vice versa?
Sister Maria: Close. She thought of the *perfect* venue.
A-L: I know exactly what I'm going to make you say.
Sister Maria: That's right, she suggested the Knight's Head Inn in North Hollywood.
A-L: The bar where Pete and Irma met?
Sister Maria: That's right.
A-L: You know Irma's mortified that she met her husband in a bar.
Kitty: Especially since it's really in Panorama City, and not the more-glamorous-sounding North Hollywood.
Sister Maria: Public Safety Pete says it's not there anymore.
A-L: Well, I Googled "Knight's Head Inn", and all I get are some posts from a woman who is looking for her birth mother, who used to work there.
Sister Maria: I'll phone Pete and Irma and ask them if they remember a waitress named Linda Turco.
Kitty: She's on Facebook.
Sister Maria: So we've reunited someone with her mother, but still no venue.
Kitty: Stay tuned.
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