Bacon Flu

A-L: What's new?

Irma: I think that cough Public Safety Pete had for three weeks was Swine Flu.

A-L: You've been watching too much Fox News.

Irma: We don't get that channel. We only get ABC, NBC, and KTLA, on a good day.

A-L: Have you and Pete finally turned into hippies? Are you living off the grid?

Irma: No, our T.V. antenna isn't great, and I'm too cheap to pay for cable. We used the money we would have spent on cable to send you and Sister Maria to private school.

A-L: Was St. Bonaventure only $35.99 a month? Truth be told, I'd rather have had MTV and VH1 than a Catholic education. Have you ever seen Pop Up Video? That sh** rocks.

Irma: No, I'm not familiar with that program.

A-L: You should sneak into the neighbor's house when they're out of town and watch cable. I'd trade my straightened teeth for three years of the Discovery Channel.

Irma: Is it that good?

A-L: Better. Give them three months, they'll have a documentary on Swine Flu.

Irma: If we're still around then.

A-L: Do you really think you'll catch it?

Irma: I hope not.

A-L: Come on Irma, you're a nurse. You know how diseases are spread, and you and Pete just aren't in the target market. You don't live with pigs, and you wash your hands far too often.

Irma: You don't have to live with pigs to catch it.

A-L: You just have to come in contact with someone who has it, and then lick them. And I bet no one you see, or lick, has it.

Irma: You never know.

A-L: Well, just know that if you and Pete fall victim, Maria and I will handle the proceedings in a manner befitting your legacy.

Irma: You'll serve ham and cheese sandwiches at the memorial service?

A-L: Pork ribs. Happy almost Mother's Day.

Helpful Hints For San Francisco

My friend Laura came to visit San Francisco, from scenic Scotland. And she loved it here, but had these two pieces of advice for the city:

1. Turn up the evening temperature a bit.
2. Paint the Golden Gate Bridge gold.

Laura is possibly the only person EVER to see the totally breathtaking, amazing feat of engineering which is the Golden Gate Bridge, and register this reaction: disappointment.

"It's not gold."

A Growing Readership

A-L: Ohmigosh, people are reading my blog.

Kitty: They are? How do you know?

A-L: I just got a new comment, from the mysteriously named "Anonymous".

Kitty: Cool.

A-L: The message is cryptic, but good. I think. It's succinct, and quite poetic. I bet it's from a famous writer.

Kitty: What does it say?

A-L: "Boring. Dumb."

Kitty: About which post?

A-L: The most recent one, entitled "Bedtime for DJs".

Kitty: Hmm. That's not even close to being the most boring or dumbest post. Wonder who it could be. Does Annais have internet access at daycare?

A-L: She does, but she's a fan of the Ferocious Reader, and besides, she'd use a different moniker, like her ham radio handle.

Bedtime for DJs

F.D.: You'll never believe what the DJ upstairs said.

A-L: Try me.

F.D.: He said that he's trying really hard to be considerate, and turn down the music when it's late, but he's struggling with knowing what is "too late".

A-L: Are you saying that he doesn't understand the concept of "bed time"?

F.D.: He doesn't understand what time people who aren't DJs go to bed, and he needs help knowing when that is.

A-L: I have an idea.

F.D.: Uh oh.

A-L: No, it's a good idea. It's not one of my silly "I'll say this for a laugh" ideas.

F.D.: Ok.

A-L: Each night, when it's bed time, you could go upstairs and read him a bed time story. That way, there'll be no confusion about when bed time is. When the story is over, he has to turn the stereo off.

Michael: Or put on headphones.

When a DJ Lives Upstairs

Flatmate David: Have you heard the super loud music from the upstairs neighbors?

A-L: No. It might be my snoring that you're hearing.

F.D.: No, it's definitely melodic. But waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too loud, and waaaaaay too late.

A-L: Oh, actually I have. I forgot that I wrote a poem to the upstairs neighbor.

F.D.: Wow, and right on cue, he's turned it up again.

A-L: What song is that? Sounds like the Jackson Five.

F.D.: Not sure. I could Shazam it.

A-L: That's when you know the music upstairs is too loud.

F.D.: They just don't understand the concept of THIN WALLS + LOUD MUSIC + DIFFERENT WORK SCHEDULES = UNHAPPY DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBORS.

A-L: I think passive aggressive is the way to go here.

F.D.: Good idea. When I leave the house at 6 am, I'll leave really bad music on loop. Can I borrow your Phil Collins CD?

A-L: Which one? I mean, I don't own any Phil Collins. Honestly. I was thinking George Michael. But maybe that's so bad it's good.

Conversation Stopper

At the San Francisco Airport, after a few minutes of friendly conversation...

Friendly man: So, what do you do?

A-L: I'm an admin assistant.

(insert long pause)

Friendly man: Do you want a drink?

Location, Location, Location

A-L: I must be drunk. I'm filling in some information about a company, which is in Texas, and I put down the wrong country. Texas isn't in Canada!

SR: Texas is in Texas.

A Definite Red Flag

Caroline: I once broke up with a boyfriend because he had a Mariah Carey CD.

A-L: Really?? Which one?

Caroline: I think it was Daydream.

A-L: I meant which boyfriend.

Interview Saga - Part 1

This really happened. To someone I know. Names have been changed to protect those who need protecting.

Sally: I'm thrilled to be here, Nancy. Thanks for giving me an interview.

Nancy: No problem. I just want to start out by telling you that I'm leaving the company very soon. I'm going to get my MBA. I just thought it was fair to say that up front.

Sally: Great, then maybe I'll get your job instead of the one I'm interviewing for. I mean, what a shame. I'm sure I could learn so much from you.

Nancy: I have NO IDEA how they're going to find someone to replace me. They're never going to find what they're looking for.

Sally: Yes, you look like that rare individual who is indispensable.

Nancy: So, the salary's not spectacular for this low-level customer service position. How do you feel about that?

Sally: I've considered dog walking, nit picking and converting so I could become the mother to someone else's Jewish baby. I'm not particularly money motivated in this down spiraling economy. What's REALLY important to me is that I like the product I'm selling and that I work with nice people. And that I'm employed.

Nancy: Oh, I'm not nice.

Sally: Yes, I didn't not notice that. I mean, tee hee.

Nancy: I'm serious. I'm not nice. I hate training people. I'm really impatient.

Sally: Are you drunk? Did you just say that to me? I mean, I can understand that sentiment. I've been a manager, and training people can be challenging.

Nancy: Yeah, I'll show someone how to do something once, and if they don't get it, they're on their own and I get really aggravated.

Sally: Nit picking wouldn't be so bad. I could make my own hours.

Nancy: One thing that makes this mindless job very complicated is that we use many different systems, so you have to be very precise.

Sally: Well, I'm very good about admitting if I've made a mistake, and then going back and fixing it.

Nancy: That's a good trait, but, uh, we don't make mistakes. I'm serious. We don't make mistakes. We can't make mistakes.

Sally: You are the best thing that's ever happened to my blog. Are you kidding me? Did you REALLY just say that to me during an interview?

Nancy: Ok, come meet my boss, Bob.

Sally: Let's hope he's also a goldmine of interviewing no-no's.

-----

Bob: Scaaawwt-land, huh? How long did you live in Edin-bor-ough?

Sally: I'm not sure where Edin-bor-ough is, sir, but I lived in Edinburgh for five years.

Bob: I'm Scawwww-tish.

Sally: I don't believe you.

Bob: So, tell me about the retail job you had in Beverly Hills. I bet you had some demanding customers there.

Sally: That was seven jobs ago. Do you really want to focus on that one?

Bob: I'm just going to talk over you, and anything you say is wrong. My interviewing style is a mix of aggressive, condescending and confrontational. So explain how you would have dealt with an unhappy customer when you were working retail.

Sally: Well, I would have apologized, and then spoken with my manager...

Bob (interrupting): Let's say your manager's unavailable.

Sally: Well, I would have spoken to my manager's manager.

Bob: That person's not available either.

Sally: I didn't work alone at this high-department store. I don't think, sir.

Bob: Moving right along, prove to me that you're organized.

Sally: Uh, my resume is easy to read? I got here on time?

(At this point in the interview, Sally had given up, and already strongly disliked both Bob and Nancy. And never wanted to work near/with/for/against them.)

Sally: What, exactly, are you looking for in a low-level underpaid customer service rep reporting to self-important, inexperienced and unprofessional managers? I mean, what are you looking for in an employee?

Bob: I'm looking for someone who can "keep their head, when all about are losing theirs".

Sally: I like that poem.

Bob: Yes, it's Robert Burns.

Sally: Try again. It's Rudyard Kipling.

Bob: It's one of the two.

Yeah, the one I said.

And here concludes Part 1. Let's recap: Sally corrected her potential boss's boss in an interview because she can't bear to let it pass that he's attributed a Rudyard Kipling poem to Robert Burns. Will Sally ever get a job?? To be continued.

The Tao of Annais - Verse One

A-L: Good morning Annais. How did you sleep?

Annais (closing her eyes): Like this.

Q & A With Public Safety Pete

I received the following e-mail from Gemma, our Paris correspondent:

A-L,
Please forward this photo to Public Safety Pete for analysis.

Thanks, GL

Pete, can you rate this on the scale of 1 - 10?

The Tao of Annais (Rhymes with "The Tao of Niece")

A-L: You should drive up to visit me in San Francisco sometime. It's only a 10-hour drive from Coachella (aka The Surface of the Sun).

Sister Maria: That sounds perfect for the girls. There's nothing five- and three-year-olds like more than being confined to car seats for 10 hours.

A-L: Is it really bad?

Sister Maria: Hey, Annais, tell A-L how much you like the drive to Northern California.

Annais: What?

Sister Maria: Tell her about the drive up north, how fun it was.

Annais: The drive was ... (insert dramatic three-year-old pause) ... the plane.

A-L: Does she work for Southwest Airlines? Or is she Yoda?

Sister Maria: Both.

Police Custody

Public Safety Pete: Hi, I'm waiting for my fingerprints to dry.

A-L: Are you and Irma stenciling the hallway with your hand and foot prints?

Pete: No, I'm at the Channel Islands Police Station, I think.

A-L: What happened? Did you finally act out against the homeowners' association rules and put up a lawn ornament? I hope it's a life-size troll.

Pete: No, I'm getting fingerprinted.

A-L: And I was your first phone call? Unfortunately I'm pretty busy. Sister Maria and I are running errands. Can I call you back when you're eligible for parole?

Pete: I wish. I'm getting my paw prints taken so I can do that volunteer job you signed me up for.

A-L: The one counting birds for the Audubon Society?

Pete: That sounds more exciting. I'll be installing Life Alert systems in elderly people's homes.

A-L: Does that mean you get a free one? If so, can I have it? I'd love to get it connected to the Velo Rouge coffee shop across the street from my house so they could deliver freshly brewed coffee.

Pete: Um, pressing the Life Alert button means an ambulance, not a barista, shows up.

A-L: Oh, so it's broken. No wonder they need volunteers.

Are You New?

If you're a new reader, and I know there are tens of you, or you just need reminding, these are the characters who play recurring roles on the Ferocious Reader:

1. Public Safety Pete - My dad. Concerned with safety. Named Pete. Or Peter. Native to California.
   
2. Irma (aka "the Irma") - My mom, Irma. Married to Public Safety Pete for 39.5 years. Of Finnish origin.
   
3. Sister Maria - My sister. Her name is Maria.
4. Grandbrother Hector - Husband of Sister Maria. "Grandbrother" is Ted's (see Character 7) version of "brother-in-law".
5. Aila - Original niece. The elder of the MexiFinns. Fan of pygmy marmosets, hummingbirds and scarlet macaws.
   
6. Annais (aka "Cachetona", "Cache", "Eese") - Younger of the MexiFinns. PRONUNCIATION KEY: Rhymes with "geese". (Bonus information: Was named "Peter Marie" while gestating.)
7. Ted - Of Polish origin. Flatmate of four years in Edinburgh. Still in Scotland. Accident prone. Wife and two children in Poland, eagerly awaiting his return. New(ish) to English. Originator of the phrases "sister-in-love" and "grandbrother", among others.
   
8. Kitty - A cat. Lives in Scotland.
9. Others appear as convenient/necessary/funny.
   

I hope that's useful.

Mary and Joseph Live On

This is an open letter to the family that lives off the 101 on the Central Coast of California, between Gonzales and Soledad.

I saw your nativity scene yesterday. I know it's not lit up, but it's out. And still set up in the typical nativity configuration. I was going about 65 mph, so I couldn't tell for sure, but it looked like the cradle was empty. Did a Groundhog steal the plastic Christ Child? Or are you rotating the contents of the cradle to suit the holiday? I know where you can get a cute little leprechaun. That should tide you over until Easter, which falls on April 12th this year.

What you could do, is celebrate the phases of Jesus's life, starting with the Nativity, and culminating with the resurrection. I attended an Easter brunch a few years ago where my friends had rigged up a rising Jesus in the doorway adjoining the kitchen and living room. These are the supplies you'll need to set up an outdoor equivalent:

1. A Jesus figure. Think lawn ornament size. (Here's a link to a Jesus Statue Catalog.)

2. A rope and pulley system. (There's a helpful diagram here.)

3. Someone who can be the resurrector. (ie: the puller of the pulley.)

4. Easter brunch!

I'll be heading back up North on the 101 next week. I'll stop in and discuss the options with you.

Human Rights in South Central L.A., or The Olsen Twins

Peter the Greek: Wow, that documentary we just saw (Crips and Bloods: Made in America) was incredible. It's unconscionable that this urban warfare is going on so close to the media epicenter that is Los Angeles, and yet it's barely covered.

A-L: Too right, as the Scots would say.

P the G: How does this escape the attention of mainstream media? It's happening in their backyard.

A-L: It's not that they don't know about it, it's just that it doesn't sell magazines. We need to get the Olsen twins involved for People Magazine to cover it.

P the G: I don't think the Olsen twins are into gang warfare. That doesn't seem like their bag.

A-L: Oh, maybe you're on to something. They could date rival gang members, and then facilitate a truce. People Magazine would love that. And then Americans in dentist offices across the country would know about the conflict.

P the G: That could work, except one of the twins is missing.

A-L: Which one?

P the G: Uh, I can't remember their names.

A-L: I don't believe you.

P the G: Ok, it's Ashley. She's withdrawn a bit. Mary Kate is the one who's totally in the spotlight, and used to hang out with Paris Hilton, et al.

A-L: So, what's the next step?

P the G: In getting Ashley back into the spotlight?

A-L: No, in getting the Olsen twins to make people aware of the situation, specifically the origins of the gang rivalry in South Central, and working towards a solution.

P the G: Pass.

In Training

Cousin Tina: Hi, have you been training for the upcoming ride?

A-L: Of course.

Cousin Tina: What have you been doing?

A-L: I ate two slices of that delicious pumpkin bread you made, to practice getting my blood sugar up.

Cousin Tina: And?

A-L: And right now I'm eating a banana, which has a lot of potassium. Right?

Cousin Tina: Yes, that's right. What else have you done?

A-L: I watched Cousin Daniel do ski jumping on the Wii. That was stressful. But he did well.

Cousin Tina: Umm, how many miles have you ridden?

A-L: I drove to the San Francisco Airport and back yesterday. Does that count?

Cousin Tina: Not if you were in the Camry. Are you planning to ride your bike today?

A-L: Is this the time for me to mention that I don't own a bike?

Job Counselor

Kitty: Do you have a job yet?

A-L: No, not yet.

Kitty: How about now?

A-L: Nope. Do you?

Kitty: Paul got me hooked up with a gig doing stress tests on snowboard goggle boxes. It's boring, but it's steady work and I get free snowboarding gear.

A-L: Aren't you a skier?

Kitty: No, I'm a cat. I got a call from GW the other day. Their apartment has a mouse infestation, and he wanted me to come round and have a look. I gave him a quote over the phone, and he hung up on me.

A-L: That's surprising, I think.

Kitty: He wanted fast service, and I was going to put my best man on the job. I've trained Ted to catch mice bare-handed. He's a natural.

A-L: Please tell him I say hello. I miss that guy.

Kitty: Oh, can you tell Cousin Tina that I probably can't join her on the bike ride in April?

A-L: Ohmigosh, that would have been so fun to have you pulling my bike! I bet someone would sew you a little spandex outfit. (Hint, hint, readers who sew.)

Kitty: Which is precisely why it's perfect timing that I'll probably be in D.C. the weekend of the Wildflower.

A-L: Sorry?

Kitty: I don't want to bore you with the details, but the Obamas are begging me to come stay with them to help "the dog" transition into public life.

A-L: Have they chosen a dog?

Kitty: It's not public yet, but I've sold the dog who lives with me.

Cheap Laugh

Paul: Do you remember those snowboarding goggles I got for my 30th Birthday?

A-L: No, that was AGES ago.

Paul: It wasn't that long ago. Anyway, the other day I found the picture of Kitty in the goggle box. Poor Kitty. I shed a tear.

A-L: Why "poor Kitty"? Because you stuffed her in a goggle box, or because now she's living in the Scottish countryside and is miles away from the nearest theatre and decent Indian food?

Paul: I didn't stuff her into the goggle box. She stalked it, circled it, and then put it on, as it were. And there's really good Indian food in Culross.

A-L: Why didn't anyone tell me she looked like a boa constrictor?

Boot Camp

Cousin Tina: We're going for a 17-mile bike ride today.

A-L: Do you want me to pass that message on to someone?

Cousin Tina: Um, yourself. We're leaving at 11 a.m., and you're riding Daniel's bike.

A-L: Cool. I hope Daniel can see past me sitting on the handlebars. Or am I riding in one of those carts?

Cousin Tina: Daniel's staying at home.

A-L: Oh, I see. It's remote control. Is it a new Wii game?

Cousin Tina: Call it what you like.

Mile 2 -

A-L: I'm HUNGRY.

Cousin Tina: I'm AUSTRIA. Keep pedaling. We're almost to the 1/8 mark.

Mile 3.5 -

A-L: I have to pee.

Cousin Tina: We're almost to the spot where I won't be lying if I say we're getting a bit closer to the half-way mark.

A-L: I hate word problems. Holly, are we there yet?

Cousin Holly: I don't speak 'whining'.

A-L: Tina, Holly won't talk to me. I have to pee.

Mile 5.5 -

A-L: Is it time for our banana bread snack yet?

Cousin Tina: I can tell by looking at you that your blood sugar hasn't dropped that low. Keep pedaling. We're getting closer.

A-L: By my calculations we're getting farther away from the house. And bathrooms. Did I mention I have to pee? And can a dietitian really tell someone's blood sugar level just by looking at them?

Cousin Tina: I can. And I have the power to determine when hypochondria has set in. You're in the advanced stages.

A-L: Does that mean I get to travel home in one of those carts? Is Cousin Gary coming to pick me up? And is the only cure a chocolate and peanut butter milkshake?

Cousin Tina: I need to observe you riding the bike for a couple more miles before I can clearly diagnose the situation.

Mile 7 -

A-L: I think I'm going into shock. If I pass on here, tell my parents, and Sister Maria, Grandbrother Hector, Aila and Annais and the rest of the Finn-family Sandstrum trolls that I loved them very much. And the $30.78 that's left in my 401(k) after the stellar stock market performance of 2008 should be divided evenly between Aila and Annais, and their boxer, Binx.

Cousin Tina: Noted. We have 1.5 miles to go until we're at the turn-around point.

A-L: Can I pee when we we get to the turn-around point? And are there hot tubs there? And wine and cheese?

Cousin Holly: Plenty of whine along the way.

Cousin Tina: Lincoln Airport is our turn-around point.

A-L: Are we only in Nebraska? We've been riding for days.

Cousin Tina: It's been 40 minutes. And we're not in the Midwest, technically. We're 7 miles away from where we started. Still in California.

A-L: Will search and rescue be able to find us out here?

Cousin Tina: I'm going to let Holly field that question.

Radio silence.

Mile 8.5 -

Cousin Tina: We'll, we're here.

A-L: Where are they hiding the hot tubs and the buffet table? This looks like a cul-de-sac next to an airstrip. And I have to pee.

Cousin Tina: You can pee here.

A-L: With low-flying aircraft overhead?

Cousin Tina: It's either that or hold it all the way back to the house.

A-L: How far is it back to the house?

Cousin Tina: Divide 17 by 2.

A-L: I didn't bring a calculator. And the suspense is killing me.

Cousin Tina: It'll take us just as long to get home as it did to get here.

A-L: If I can keep up that same pace.

Cousin Holly: Really? Do you think you could possibly ride your bike more slowly than you did on the way here?

And by some miracle we made it back to the house, on bikes.

A-L: Tina, do you think I'll be in shape by April to join you on the Wildflower 60-mile bike ride in Chico?

Radio silence.