Family Web Site

The following exchange appeared on our family's web site. Are other families discussing such pressing matters as well?

Mouse Watch 2006

		Cousin Amy- Feb 23, 2006 View Since no one has been saying much lately I thought I would share a bit of news. There is a Mouse, or some critter yet to be determined living in my car. For the past couple of weeks my car alarm has been going off at night and I haven't been able to figure out why. Then yesterday when I went to look in the glove box of the car I found that papers had been chewed and there was little poops everywhere! After further investigation I have found more stuff chewed in the trunk along with more droppings and wrappers chewed throughout the car. Last night I put two mouse traps in the car, one in the front one in the trunk, with some peanut butter in them in the hopes of catching the little bugger. However, when I got into my car this morning it told me the alarm had gone off again, and no mouse had been trapped!!! Stay tuned for updates....
		Read what others had to say:
		Cousin Marsha - Feb 23, 2006 Sounds like Maui- only people would have rats living in their cars. I personally had large cockroaches in my car. A wonderful experience for family members visiting... a nice suprise for when they borrowed my car. I was use to them and had actually named them. Good luck to you and your mouse!
		Cousin Marty - Feb 23, 2006 Make sure to trap him. Don't poison him. If you do, your car will be unbearable until he dries out two weeks later. Another thing you could do is build a barn owl nesting box in the back seat. Owls are very good at controlling mouse populations, although they're a little hard on you if they flap their wings while you're driving. Another option is to get a car cat. They are pretty good at mousing sometimes, but you've got to make sure and get a good mouser. Males are usually the worst. Again, however, they're a bit stinky in the car, and the litter box creates a mess whenever you hit bumps. Coyotes are pretty good at mouse control, but it's tough to get them to load up. I don't know, Amy, it seems like you've got a heck of a problem, here.
		Cousin-in-law Judy - Feb 23, 2006 Isn't there somekind of homemade mouse trap that uses a bucket of water, a string or wire across the top of the bucket and a glob of p-nut butter placed midway on the string/wire. Somehow the critter falls into the water and drowns while trying to get the p-nut butter.
		Cousin Dan - Feb 24, 2006 We have squirrels around the place and they are continually hiding the sunflower seeds we feed them. We got in the car one morning and had a horrible noise when the heater fan started running. Seems the little buggers had filled up the heater fan with sunflower seeds. Gives new meaning to squirrel cage fan. You've got a wee bit of a problem there Amy. Best wishes with Mr. Mouse.
		Cousin Casey - Feb 24, 2006 The first thing that comes to MY mind, is a t-shirt I had in the 80's. It had a cat singing and playing a guitar "mousey mousey thats what I love to eat, bite their little heads off, nible on their tiny feet" . It may not solve your problem but maybe laugh at it or me. We have a problem with bush rats. My dads dog help for awhile, but now I think the've made friends.
		Cousin Debbie - Feb 25, 2006 I can send my cat up your way. She is quite the hunter (gets way too many birds).
		Cousin Amy - Feb 26, 2006 Day 4 of Mouse Watch- The mouse is still at large as far as I know. I set the traps a few days ago and it has yet to take the bait. I have thought about using some sort of poison but just as Marty said the mouse stench could be horrible if it crawls into a small space and dies. I almost wish I had a cat right now, I'm sure it would get the job done. Tomorrow there is going to be a thorough cleaning, hopefully I will get rid of any comforts it has been enjoying in my car and it will leave.
		Cousin Dan - Feb 26, 2006 They make little trays with a gluey substance in them that are very effective in catching mice. Slip one of these under each seat and maybe one in the glovebox and see what you get. The only issue with these is that you have to be careful not to let yourself or anything else you don't want to lose come in contact with the glue. Have you considered placing a bounty on its fury little head. Maybe a weeks supply of catnip for the neighborhood cat that nails the little varmit.
		Cousin A-L - Feb 26, 2006 Dear Amy, Mice do not live alone. They're not solitary animals, as my roommates and I found out Junior year in college. We saw a mouse around November and decided that the best tack was to ignore him/her, and s/he would move out. Come February we trapped seven members of the extended family, one tiny little mouse was caught just by the tip of her nose - or perhaps the skin of her teeth. My roommate's then-boyfriend, now husband (perhaps because of his bravado), was commissioned to remove the corpses. Good luck.

Heart Day

Dear Readers, Happy Valentines Day.

Dear Mrs. Leonard, Happy Birthday.

Dear Cousin Susana, Thank you for sending me the link to this site. It will keep all y'all entertained for hours. Can you ever visit too many cat-related web sites? Can you?

A-L

Christian Rock

My mother is going to be mortified. She really will.

This is what happened: The Reverend and Mrs Rollo travelled to Edinburgh to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the birth of their son, my flatmate, Paul. So, we're at the restaurant, and George, as I call the Rev. (reason 1 for mother to be mortified: I just referred to him as 'the Rev.'), tells us about a funeral he officiated recently.

George: "It was a beautiful funeral."

Ringo (played by Gemma) : "What makes a funeral 'beautiful'?"

George: "Well, a combination of the verses they chose, and also the hymns. They were such beautiful expressions of the Christian faith."

Paul: "Christian Faith? Is that a rock band?"

A-L: "Yeah, they played at half time."

And then I was struck by lightening. And for some reason, I kept talking.

Gemma: "What verses did they choose?"

Mrs Rollo: "Well, I actually have the missalette, you could see the verses."

A-L: "And we could do a re-enactment."

Paul: "Yeah, but then someone would have to be the dead lady."

And then Paul was struck by lightening.

Our Brussels Correspondent

Gemma, our Brussels correspondent, is in town for Paul's 30th birthday. (Happy 30th, Paul.) Overheard, just now:

Paul: How was Amsterdam?

Gemma: Good thanks.

Paul: Did you see Anne Frank?

Gemma: No, she was hiding.

I wonder....

...if anyone has ever had 'DO NOT NOT RESUCITATE' tatooed on their chest?

By the way, Scotland beat France in rugby today. In Edinburgh. Huge news for this nation. Stay tuned for more thought-provoking questions and rugby news.

New Teaching Gig

Last week I started teaching a communication class part-time at Stevenson College in Edinburgh. I have 12 students who are studying computing. They are funny, and loud, and smart. I'll keep you posted on our progress throughout the semester.

My 'other' job has been kind enough to give me Monday afternoons off so that I can teach. :)

Kitten Breeding

A-L: I must get the kitten 'splayed', as Stuart would say. The vet says she'll start howling any day.

Paul: I want to breed her with a dwarf cat.

A-L: Do dwarf cats exist?

Paul: They must. And Kitty is so small, that invariably they would have little offspring. And we could sell them on e-Bay.

A-L: You only use words like 'invariably' when I'm making up the dialogue. And who would buy kittens online?

Paul: Lot's of people, if we marketed them well. "Shetland Kittens For Sale."

3-0

Flatmate Paul will be 30 next Friday. And guests will be travelling from near and far to make sure he welcomes his 31st year in style. Afterall, your 30th birthday is really the end of your 30th year. So, technically you're almost 31. Happy 31st!!

Cousin-in-law

Dear Gary,

Happy Birthday!

A-L

Kitten Threats

"When are you going to get kitty splayed?"
Stuart

"I think that's a bit drastic."
A-L

A Rose By Any Other Name...

Overheard during the holidays...

Peter to Maria: "Irma, do you have a flashlight?"

Maria to Aila: "Anna-Lisa, please go pick up your toys."

Irma to Anna-Lisa: "Maria, do you know where the diaper cloths are?"

Peter to Irma: "Maria, can you pass the salt?"

Maria about Annais: "Oh, Anna-Lisa is trying to crawl."

Irma to Aila: "Anna-Lisa, are you getting tired?"

And the best one...

Aila to Anna-Lisa about Maria: "Maybe Anna-Ria can bring the rubber duckies into the bathroom."

Aila and Annais

Bronchial Baby Jesus

Annais as Baby Jesus, as seen off-off-off Broadway.

Auster-Doyle

You may recall a previous post which featured a conversation between Paul and me about our dear friend Gemma, who has shown a, well, keen interest in attending author events, photographing herself with the author, and then forwarding said photo to friends. Well, our very public diagnosis of this syndrome (named for photos taken with Paul Auster and Roddy Doyle) led to, surprise surprise, no more "author with Gemma" photos. Or so we thought.

Paul: There's an author photo up on Gemma's blog?

A-L: You're kidding. She must be having another spell. Who is it this time?

Paul: You'll never guess.

A-L: Alexander McCall Smith?

Paul: Yes. But this time it's just the photo of Sandy, as he's called. It's not a photo of Sandy and Gemma holding one of his freshly-signed books.

A-L: Surely such a photo exists.

Paul: Yeah, Gemma told me she has one of her and Sandy. She just didn't post it.

A-L: Hmm. So she's trying to hide her problem.

Paul: Now she has Auster-Doyle-Smith syndrome.

A-L: No, no. You can't keep adding names to it. That's not how syndromes work.

Paul: Is there a syndrome of thinking you're an expert on syndromes?

A-L: Perhaps. But you can't change the syndrome's name. It's not like they call Parkinsons Disease "Parkinsons J. Fox Disease" now that Alex P. Keaton has it.

Paul: Well, at any rate she has a new syndrome because she's still suffering from Auster-Doyle but trying to hide it.

A-L: Ok, that could be "Auster-Doyle by McCall-Smith" Syndrome. You know, along the same lines as that Munich by Proxy. And today I got an e-mail from Gemma where she claims she's friends with that aide worker and her parents who were kidnapped in Gaza. What's that all about?

Paul: I'll have to think about that one.

A-L: Ohmigosh, I thought of the most horrible name for it.

Paul: Let me guess! Let me guess! "Waite by the Phone"?

Husky With Flourescent Green-Eyed Kitten Seeks Dishwasher

Made it safely back to Edinburgh. I wish someone had pressed the "Self-Clean" button on the flat. It smells like Ted's feet, cooking oil and stale cigarette smoke. But don't worry, Paul, I'll wait to clean up until you get back...

Cat Pilates

Peter: What's wrong with your cat? Is she handicapped?

A-L: She didn't have her broken foot yet in this photo. This is what she does when we turn the gas fire on.

Peter: How often do you turn the gas fire on?

A-L: Haven't turned it on since this photo was taken. And to answer your question, yes, she is handicapped. Emotionally, I think.

The Curious Incident of the Cat in the Flat

A-L: Did Maria tell you that Kitty broke a bone in her foot?

Brother-in-law Hector: You have a cat?

A-L: Yeah, apparently Kitty broke a bone in her foot over the Christmas holidays.

B-in-law: No way, this one's named Kitty too?

A-L: The other one was MR. Kitty. That's totally different.

B-in-law: Oh, so he broke his leg?

A-L: SHE broke her FOOT. Stuart took her to the vet who said it's quite common for kittens to jump down from a really high place and hurt their feet. So Kitty just has to take it easy for a couple weeks and the bone should heal on its own. Although I'd love it if she got a cast on her foot and then all of her cat friends could sign it.

Prince Maria

A-L: Do you remember that song about Christmas in Africa?

Maria: Yeah. With WHAM! What's the name of the guy who produced that video?

A-L: I have no idea. Oh wait, Bob Geldof. Sorry, it's actually Sir Bob Geldof.

Maria: Says who?

A-L: The Queen. I guess. She changed his name. With a wand, I think. And so the Brits have to call him Sir Bob. But the Americans don't.

Maria: Because we don't believe in the Queen?

A-L: Exactly. It's the same with Dame Judi Dench.

Maria: Who? Oh yeah, Judi Dench. You threw me off with the whole Dame thing. What's the hierarchy? Is Lady better than Dame or Maiden?

A-L: I'm sure Google knows. But last time I checked they don't hand out the title Maiden. Did you know that Camilla Parker-Bowles is The Duchess of Rothesay when she's in Scotland?

Maria: Only when she's in Scotland? What is she when she's in England?

A-L: Um, I'll leave that one to the comedians. And the Queen's husband, Prince Philip, is known as The Duke of Edinburgh, among other things. And there's a Princess who's known as Princess Michael of Kent, because her husband's name is Michael, I think.

Maria: Well, by that logic, wouldn't that make the Queen's husband Prince Elizabeth, The Duchess of Edinburgh? And what's Fergie known as now?

A-L: Don't bring up the F-word. Or the other one.

Maria: My mother-in-law loves the other one, Princess Diana.

A-L: I think now she's known as the Princess formerly known as Diana. She changed it to get out of some contract with Sony, or the Queen.

Nativity

The nativity play begins at 10:00 a.m. I have been commissioned to photograph the production. Gloria the babysitter is worried that baby Jesus (Annais) will be cranky. Aila, the Princess/Wiseman, has had a cough, and this morning the Christ child sounded congested. Report to follow.

Gross

So, I was walking the dog in my sister's neighborhood, minding my own business (publishing) and then 'the neighbor' pulls up...

Neighbor: Ohmigod, are you Maria's sister? You look exactly like her.

A-L to herself: We have the same parents, and they look alike.

A-L to neighbor: Yeah, people always say that.

Neighbor: Ohmigosh, so, are you home alone? What have you been doing? How long have you been here? Are you enjoying your visit?

A-L to herself: I'm old enough to stay home alone.

A-L to Rudy: Oh, I've been helping my sister out, and relaxing a bit.

Rudy: Ohmigod, do you want me to show you around the Coachella Valley? Aren't you bored at home alone?

A-L to herself: Not that bored.

A-L to Rudy: Oh, I've been here before. I'm enjoying spending time alone. Did I mention I have bird flu? (cough, cough)

Rudy turns car engine off.

Rudy: Have you been to the casinos?

A-L: I don't gamble.

Rudy: You don't have to gamble. How old are you?

A-L: Twenty-nin...uh, thirty.

Rudy: Do you drink?

A-L: I'm a recovering alcoholic.

Rudy: You look so much like your sister. I thought you were Maria, except she's smaller. You're more husky.

What????? I'm husky???? Where the hell did that come from?? First I was being invited to a seedy evening of blackjack and G & T's and now I'm HUSKY???

The Nativity

Maria: Can you get Aila a princess outfit?

A-L: Ummm, yeah.

Maria: They're having a princess parade at daycare on Thursday. I need to check with Gloria to find out exactly what Aila needs.

A-L: Ummm, ok.

Three hours later...

Maria: Turns out Aila needs a princess outfit because they don't have enough wisemen at daycare so instead they're having princesses.

A-L: That's a bit different than a princess parade.

Maria: Annais is going to be baby Jesus. So, can you also get some swaddling clothes for our little Christ child?

A-L: Can't you just wrap her in a sheet?

Maria: No, Gloria [the babysitter] wants the costumes to be shiny.

A-L: Baby Jesus didn't wear sequins. Or get visited by princesses.

Maria: Maybe Wal-Mart will have something.

Kitty's Profile

Paul e-mailed me a link to Kitty's online profile.

Talking Baby

Saturday -

Maria: Annais said her first word today.

A-L: Who's Annais?

Maria: She's the baby I had in May.

A-L: Oh yeah. What did he say?

Maria: She. She said 'da da'.

A-L: I'm not impressed. Babies, even quite young ones, can easily imitate sounds that those around them are making. How old is she?

Maria: She was born in May. May 23rd.

A-L: Not bad. But call me back when she's fluent is something more than 'da da'.

Sunday-

Irma: Hi. Annais is talking.

A-L: I know, I spoke to Maria yesterday. I heard she said 'da da'.

Irma: Oh no, this is better. I was holding her just now and she said 'ok'.

A-L: That's it? Just 'ok', not 'great' or 'super'? I guess it's pretty good for a six month old...

Monday (at work) -

A-L: The baby is talking.

Co-workers: Really?

A-L: Yeah, she said 'da da' and then on Sunday she said 'ok'.

Co-workers: How old is the baby?

A-L: She'll be seven months on the 23rd.

And then the co-workers looked at each other like I was a compulsive liar. Note to self: Don't tell anyone about talking baby niece.

Challenge

Paul: I challenge you to write a post that doesn't include the words "Kitty", "Finnish", "Finland" or "Aila".

A-L: Are you trying to destroy my blog?

Paul: No, I'm your friend. I'm trying to help you expand your reader base.

A-L: Don't throw fancy marketing speak at me. I'll get a dictionary. Which is what we should get Ted for Christmas: A Polish/English dictionary.

Paul: If you bought Ted a Polish/English dictionary for Christmas it would essentially be a gift for you.

A-L: Clever, huh? Then I could indoctrinate him in Irma's gospel of Finnish nurse's hygiene.

Paul: You can't even type three sentences without writing the word 'Finnish'.

A-L: Looks like you can't either.

Social Circles

A-L (singing): Theee fiiiirrrrsssst nnooooooeeel, thhheeee first noel

Paul: Who was telling me about someone born on Christmas day whose name is Noel? Was it you?

A-L: No, but I know someone born in December whose name is Noelle.

Paul: Who was telling me that, I mean, if it wasn't you? I don't talk to anyone else. I haven't left our living room in 33 days.

A-L: Ummm, maybe Kitty told you. Or did you read it online?

Paul: Yeah, I probably read it online.

Moving Day

Paul: Hey, A-L, when are you moving out?

A-L: What? Are you trying to get rid of me?

Paul: No, when are you leaving for California?

A-L: Oh, on the 17th. Are you renting out my room while I'm gone?

Paul: No, it would be too much of a hassle. It would take too long to explain everything. Can you imagine having to explain Ted to a new flatmate? "This is Ted. He doesn't feed the cat. He teases her, and sometimes he locks her in the bathroom, accidentally. And his room stinks." It would take weeks to explain.

A-L: Yes, I suppose that's reason enough not to rent out my room while I'm gone...

The Words Were Out of My Mouth Before I Knew It

So at Ted's party I was talking with Katie and Stuart about their niece Hannah, who turned 1 in August. Apparently she's an adorable genius. And they have proof. Hannah was at daycare, and one of the adults asked her "is your dad picking you up today?" So Hannah said something, seemingly unintelligible. And then the two-year-old standing next to her said to the lady, "no, Hannah's dad is at University today." Apparently Hannah's dad was at University that day, and this information could not have come from anyone other than Hannah, as none of the adults at the daycare knew that he had gone back to school. So, Katie and Stuart take this as proof of Hannah's genius. Fair enough. Although I think the two-year old also deserves some credit for interpreting. But I didn't mention this. I didn't want to burst their "our niece is a genius bubble." So, instead I said:

"Well, does your niece speak Spanish?"

Multi-Loyal

I know that cats have never been prized for their loyalty, but since I'm usually 'the Feeder of the cat' I am the recipient of loyal behaviour, however faux it might be.

The current situation is quite different. Kitty has deserted. Paul, who does not buy her food or change her litter tray, or pay her vet bills, is apparently her favourite. (Ironically, she is sitting in my lap, for the first time in weeks, as I type this. Cats are also manipulative.) So, Kitty has 'gone off me', as the British would say. She lets Paul hold her, and she jumps into his lap where she will happily sit for hours. If I so much as look at her, she will run from the room. Teenagers.

Christmas Cards

Paul: What's that list you're writing?

A-L: Christmas card list.

Paul: It's very long.

A-L: I have thousands of friends.

Paul: And you send all of them Christmas cards?

A-L: Unfortunately it's the only time all year that I write to most of them. So I think it's important to keep it up. And, how else am I supposed to generate Christmas cards? That's why I send them out in early December, and when I e-mail everyone to ask for their address, I give them mine.

Paul: You're going to the States on the 17th, that doesn't give people much time to get their cards to you. You'll have to get yours out soon.

A-L: I never said the cards have to arrive here before I leave for the States. In fact, I want to walk back in the door and have a stack of at least 10 waiting for me.

Paul: You're sending out 603, I think you'll get more than 10 back. And how do you decide who doesn't get a card?

A-L: That's easy. I don't send cards to people who I haven't spoken to, or had contact with (via e-mail), for a time period longer than that for which I knew and had regular contact for them. For example, I knew Stella for a year and a half, haven't spoken to or heard from her for two years, she's off the list. A very simple equation. And I don't send cards to my Jewish friends.

Paul: Don't you send them Hannukah cards? I think you should.

A-L: They don't send me Christmas cards.

Cat Flu

For the most part I have received nice messages from friends and family wishing me a speedy recovery from this flu. From my father, however, I received this e-mail: "Your mother thinks it's cat allergies."

Operation Laptop

Dear Fans, Friends and Readers,

Operation Laptop restoration is under way. Pete has sent two, yes two, e-mails giving advice on how to resucitate it. Paul is performing minor surgery as we speak, so I am using Paul's laptop. It's not the same. The genius doesn't flow.

More later,
A-L