Sister Maria: What should we do for Pete & Irma's upcoming 40th wedding anniversary?
A-L: When is it?
Sister Maria: Forty years to the day after July 7, 1969
A-L: Wow. That's next Tuesday. Good thing we're planning ahead.
Sister Maria: We need a venue.
A-L: Everyone knows 40th anniversary parties take place in the couple's hometown, at the local hall.
Sister Maria: What do you mean by "hometown"?
A-L: The place they're from.
Sister Maria: Do you mean where they live now?
A-L: Or do I mean where they were married?
Sister Maria: Or where they were born?
A-L: Or the town they liked the best?
Sister Maria: Ok, so we've narrowed it down to Laihia, Finland; Compton, Camarillo or Sacramento, California; Las Vegas, Nevada; or Heusenstamm, Germany.
A-L:Who let Sacramento onto the shortlist?
Sister Maria: Public Safety Pete was born there.
A-L: That's ancient history. Can we strike that off the list? No one's going to fly half-way around the world to go to a party in Sacramento. And certainly not in July.
Sister Maria: Who are you planning on inviting?
A-L: Former colleagues, family, old neighbors, teachers, school friends.
Sister Maria: Public Safety Pete has worked at 43 different companies. Are you going to track down all of his former bosses?
A-L: He's worked for his old friend Ed Barker at six different companies, so that cuts it down to 37 bosses. And Don Ford from GE shouldn't be hard to track down. How many Don Fords can there be?
Kitty: 27,300. According to Google.
A-L: Thanks for volunteering to track him down.
Sister Maria: We have to invite the Meyers.
A-L: Who?
Sister Maria: Our old neighbors.
A-L: In Simi Valley, Somis, Heusenstamm, Mission Viejo, Camas or Camarillo?
Sister Maria: Heusenstamm.
A-L: Divorced.
Sister Maria: Ok. How about the Mehers?
A-L: Divorced.
Sister Maria: Doesn't mean we can't invite them.
A-L: Thanks for volunteering to do the seating chart.
Sister Maria: Maybe we should have started planning this last week.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Farewell
Kitty: Why aren't you blogging about the passing of a legend? It's the end of an era, and the homepage of your blog is a conversation you had three days ago about some juan.
A-L: Are you talking about the passing of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett or Michael Jackson?
Kitty: Guess.
A-L: You weren't even around when Charlie's Angels was on television.
Kitty: I've seen reruns. What do you think the dog and I do while our assistants are at their day jobs? We act out scenes from Charlie's Angels. I'm always Kate Jackson. She's the smart one. But everyone knows Farrah was the sweet one.
A-L: Did you know that Sister Maria gave swimming lessons to Farrah Fawcett's son?
Kitty: Recently?
A-L: No, he's 24 years old now.
Kitty: In Dave and Caroline's pool?
A-L: It was in Los Angeles, not SE Portland. And years ago, before Dave and Caroline were "Dave and Caroline", before Caroline worked at the Macaroni Grill in Little Rock, probably even before the drug lord had the design vision for "1920s Portland architecture meets chain Mexican restaurant."
Kitty: So I image People Magazine has called Sister Maria for a statement.
A-L: Naturally.
A-L: Are you talking about the passing of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett or Michael Jackson?
Kitty: Guess.
A-L: You weren't even around when Charlie's Angels was on television.
Kitty: I've seen reruns. What do you think the dog and I do while our assistants are at their day jobs? We act out scenes from Charlie's Angels. I'm always Kate Jackson. She's the smart one. But everyone knows Farrah was the sweet one.
A-L: Did you know that Sister Maria gave swimming lessons to Farrah Fawcett's son?
Kitty: Recently?
A-L: No, he's 24 years old now.
Kitty: In Dave and Caroline's pool?
A-L: It was in Los Angeles, not SE Portland. And years ago, before Dave and Caroline were "Dave and Caroline", before Caroline worked at the Macaroni Grill in Little Rock, probably even before the drug lord had the design vision for "1920s Portland architecture meets chain Mexican restaurant."
Kitty: So I image People Magazine has called Sister Maria for a statement.
A-L: Naturally.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
The Pool Man
Caroline: Hi. I can only talk for a little while. The pool men are coming over.
A-L: Plural? You have more than one?
Caroline: There is the pool guy who installed the state-of-the-art pool cover, and then there's Juan.
A-L: Most people have just juan. Not two.
Kitty: Now THAT'S the dumbest thing you've ever said.
Caroline: The pool is such a hassle. I know that sounds terribly bourgeois.
Kitty: Um, you have an Arkansas accent and live in Oregon. But I can check with my French friends to see if you can get in on a technicality.
Caroline: I just keep telling myself, "I didn't choose the pool, I chose the pool owner."
A-L: So what's wrong with the pool now? Have the raccoons been laying eggs in it?
Caroline: Quite possibly. It's murky and green and looks like a koi pond, but I think Juan can fix it. He's been taking care of it since the Mexican drug lord lived here.
A-L: Dave used to live with a drug lord?
Caroline: Alas no. A drug lord owned the house previously.
A-L: Oh, right. He's the guy who turned one of the upstairs bedrooms into a huge bathroom with a jacuzzi tub, Mexican tiles, and turquoise walls. The paint color was the tip off that he was high on coke.
Caroline: It's known to all as the porn bathroom. It works really well with the hardwood floor in the rest of the place. The drug lord also put an over-sized roof on the house, which doesn't suit it at all. It used to have a flat roof.
A-L: Maybe he needed a place to store all the cocaine.
Caroline: Anywho, Juan of the pool men is calling me. Gotta run.
A-L: Plural? You have more than one?
Caroline: There is the pool guy who installed the state-of-the-art pool cover, and then there's Juan.
A-L: Most people have just juan. Not two.
Kitty: Now THAT'S the dumbest thing you've ever said.
Caroline: The pool is such a hassle. I know that sounds terribly bourgeois.
Kitty: Um, you have an Arkansas accent and live in Oregon. But I can check with my French friends to see if you can get in on a technicality.
Caroline: I just keep telling myself, "I didn't choose the pool, I chose the pool owner."
A-L: So what's wrong with the pool now? Have the raccoons been laying eggs in it?
Caroline: Quite possibly. It's murky and green and looks like a koi pond, but I think Juan can fix it. He's been taking care of it since the Mexican drug lord lived here.
A-L: Dave used to live with a drug lord?
Caroline: Alas no. A drug lord owned the house previously.
A-L: Oh, right. He's the guy who turned one of the upstairs bedrooms into a huge bathroom with a jacuzzi tub, Mexican tiles, and turquoise walls. The paint color was the tip off that he was high on coke.
Caroline: It's known to all as the porn bathroom. It works really well with the hardwood floor in the rest of the place. The drug lord also put an over-sized roof on the house, which doesn't suit it at all. It used to have a flat roof.
A-L: Maybe he needed a place to store all the cocaine.
Caroline: Anywho, Juan of the pool men is calling me. Gotta run.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Happy Father's Day, Public Safety Pete
Happy Father’s Day to my dad who has given me a better life than he had
Happy Father’s Day to dads who can’t be with their kids this day, and to those who aren’t fathers by biology, but fathers all the same
Happy Father’s Day to moms who play both roles, to dads who think that paying child support is enough, and to those who have chosen their job, hobby, or drug addiction over their children
Happy Father’s Day to new fathers celebrating this day, and to fathers who have left our side
Happy Father’s Day to dads whose kids have long since forgotten that you did the best you could, and to fathers who learned too late you can’t make up for lost time
Happy Father’s Day to dads who can’t be with their kids this day, and to those who aren’t fathers by biology, but fathers all the same
Happy Father’s Day to moms who play both roles, to dads who think that paying child support is enough, and to those who have chosen their job, hobby, or drug addiction over their children
Happy Father’s Day to new fathers celebrating this day, and to fathers who have left our side
Happy Father’s Day to dads whose kids have long since forgotten that you did the best you could, and to fathers who learned too late you can’t make up for lost time
Thursday, June 18, 2009
A Cautionary Tale, for Cats
One Friday evening, my friend P sent her 5-year-old upstairs, in pajamas, to brush his teeth. T came down 10 minutes later, wearing his swim trunks.
P: What happened to your pajamas?
T: I changed because they were getting wet.
P: Why were they getting wet?
T: Because I was bathing the cat.
P: Pardon?
T: I was bathing the cat. In the toilet.
P's husband had to hide in the next room because he was laughing so hard. So P went upstairs to rescue the cat, who was still in the bathroom. With wet hindquarters.
P: Next time we will bathe the cat in the bathtub. We don't put anything in the toilet.
T: Ok. But now she's clean.
...
A-L: Good story. What's the cat's name?
P: Funny you should ask. The five-year-old named her. It's Kitty.
P: What happened to your pajamas?
T: I changed because they were getting wet.
P: Why were they getting wet?
T: Because I was bathing the cat.
P: Pardon?
T: I was bathing the cat. In the toilet.
P's husband had to hide in the next room because he was laughing so hard. So P went upstairs to rescue the cat, who was still in the bathroom. With wet hindquarters.
P: Next time we will bathe the cat in the bathtub. We don't put anything in the toilet.
T: Ok. But now she's clean.
...
A-L: Good story. What's the cat's name?
P: Funny you should ask. The five-year-old named her. It's Kitty.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Creative License
Different Carpool Buddy: So, um, are the conversations on your blog real?
A-L: I'll let Kitty answer that.
Kitty: What is it that you're really asking, DCB?
DCB: Is all of this made up? Is it in your head?
A-L: Let me turn your attention to the posts that involve a talking cat. That dialogue isn't verbatim, as such.
Kitty: True dat. I'm MUCH funnier than you make me out to be.
DCB: So, do you, like, have a split personality?
A-L: Are you asking Kitty, or me?
DCB: You.
A-L: Because I make up dialogue?
DCB: Uh huh.
A-L: You know, surprisingly, you're not the first person who's asked if the dialogue is made up. Which I find interesting, because, as above, there's a talking cat involved. Also, people have asked if Kitty is actually me. I'm not sure I know what that means.
Kitty: We look nothing alike. And you wouldn't be allowed to sit on the kitchen table.
A-L: For the record, the conversations are based on real events. Some are verbatim. Others aren't in Latin. And I get to determine what everyone says.
DCB: You're the best carpool buddy I've ever had, and I think the world of you.
A-L: See how that works? Any more questions?
A-L: I'll let Kitty answer that.
Kitty: What is it that you're really asking, DCB?
DCB: Is all of this made up? Is it in your head?
A-L: Let me turn your attention to the posts that involve a talking cat. That dialogue isn't verbatim, as such.
Kitty: True dat. I'm MUCH funnier than you make me out to be.
DCB: So, do you, like, have a split personality?
A-L: Are you asking Kitty, or me?
DCB: You.
A-L: Because I make up dialogue?
DCB: Uh huh.
A-L: You know, surprisingly, you're not the first person who's asked if the dialogue is made up. Which I find interesting, because, as above, there's a talking cat involved. Also, people have asked if Kitty is actually me. I'm not sure I know what that means.
Kitty: We look nothing alike. And you wouldn't be allowed to sit on the kitchen table.
A-L: For the record, the conversations are based on real events. Some are verbatim. Others aren't in Latin. And I get to determine what everyone says.
DCB: You're the best carpool buddy I've ever had, and I think the world of you.
A-L: See how that works? Any more questions?
Monday, June 15, 2009
Tea Time
Colleague P: Did you play with Legos when you were little?
A-L: Not professionally, but quite often.
C.P.: How about these days?
A-L: I haven't known my roommates long enough to set up the Amish Lego village in the kitchen.
C.P.: I went to the Lego store this weekend with my son, T, and I bought a pink Lego house.
A-L: Did T realize that you really bought it for yourself?
C.P.: Oh, I was up front about the fact that it was for me. But I promised to share. So we played Legos yesterday, and T's Assassin Droids came over for afternoon tea.
A-L: I keep forgetting you're Canadian.
C.P.: Eh?
A-L: An American would have invited them over for coffee and cake. Or a game of Scrabble. Never tea. So who exactly were the Assassin Droids visiting? Is it one of the Droids who lives in the pink house?
C.P.: No, it's a girl, who came with the house.
A-L: What's her name?
C.P.: I haven't named her yet. I don't identify with her because she's wearing a red shirt and orange pants, which is just wrong.
A-L: Did the Assassin Droids stay long?
C.P.: They ended up staying overnight.
A-L: Not professionally, but quite often.
C.P.: How about these days?
A-L: I haven't known my roommates long enough to set up the Amish Lego village in the kitchen.
C.P.: I went to the Lego store this weekend with my son, T, and I bought a pink Lego house.
A-L: Did T realize that you really bought it for yourself?
C.P.: Oh, I was up front about the fact that it was for me. But I promised to share. So we played Legos yesterday, and T's Assassin Droids came over for afternoon tea.
A-L: I keep forgetting you're Canadian.
C.P.: Eh?
A-L: An American would have invited them over for coffee and cake. Or a game of Scrabble. Never tea. So who exactly were the Assassin Droids visiting? Is it one of the Droids who lives in the pink house?
C.P.: No, it's a girl, who came with the house.
A-L: What's her name?
C.P.: I haven't named her yet. I don't identify with her because she's wearing a red shirt and orange pants, which is just wrong.
A-L: Did the Assassin Droids stay long?
C.P.: They ended up staying overnight.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
No Parking
Cousin Judy: I have a handicapped placard for you.
A-L: But my friend told me that my passive-aggressive behavior doesn’t qualify me for a placard. Or is it for Kitty, who’s chronically manipulative?
Cousin Judy: It’s for your friend who’s going camping. It expired in July 2007, but you can “amend” the date.
Public Safety Pete: Do you know what the fine is for illegally using a handicapped placard?
A-L: Do you know what the fine is for being a spoilsport?
Public Safety Pete: It’s about $3000.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
When Life Imitates Seinfeld
A-L: How was your camping trip to Angel Island?
Carpool Buddy: Great. I've rebooked it for September.
A-L: Sounds good.
CB: Do you know anyone who's disabled?
A-L: I'm passive aggressive. My friend Greg diagnosed me years ago.
CB: That doesn't count. I don't think you can get a disabled placard for that.
A-L: Why do you need a placard?
CB: I accidentally booked a disabled campsite at Angel Island, and I don't want to lose this prime spot.
A-L: So you're going to make friends with someone who is disabled, invite them camping, and use their placard to retain the reservation?
CB: Maybe.
A-L: Should I assume you're also looking for a new carpool buddy, who can get you better parking?
CB: Maybe.
Carpool Buddy: Great. I've rebooked it for September.
A-L: Sounds good.
CB: Do you know anyone who's disabled?
A-L: I'm passive aggressive. My friend Greg diagnosed me years ago.
CB: That doesn't count. I don't think you can get a disabled placard for that.
A-L: Why do you need a placard?
CB: I accidentally booked a disabled campsite at Angel Island, and I don't want to lose this prime spot.
A-L: So you're going to make friends with someone who is disabled, invite them camping, and use their placard to retain the reservation?
CB: Maybe.
A-L: Should I assume you're also looking for a new carpool buddy, who can get you better parking?
CB: Maybe.
Monday, June 01, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Brutha From Anutha Mutha
Ananda (looking at a picture of Sister Maria and me): Who is that?
A-L: That's my sister, Maria. She's known in the blogosphere as Sister Maria.
Ananda: Is she your half sister?
A-L: She's half as tall as me, if that's what you mean?
Ananda: No. I mean "do you have the same parents"?
A-L: I think so. Although I've always dreamed that I was the long lost daughter of the owners of an ice cream factory. I love chocolate peanut butter ice cream.
Ananda: You two look nothing alike. And my secret ice cream factory owning parents would specialize in coconut ice cream.
A-L: We occasionally get asked if we're twins.
Ananda: By whom?
A-L: By people who think we look like twins.
.....
One week later, Sister Maria and I are in a shop, talking to the very friendly shop owner.
Friendly Shop Owner: Do you two work together?
Sister Maria: We're sisters.
Friendly Shop Owner: You must look like the mom.
And turning to me he said: And you must look like the dad.
A-L: Are you saying I look like a man?
Flustered Friendly Shop Owner: No, I'm just saying you don't look anything alike.
...
Forty-five minutes later, outside the grocery store, a man approaches us and asks: Are you twins?
Sister Maria: No, she's my dad.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Bacon Flu
A-L: What's new?
Irma: I think that cough Public Safety Pete had for three weeks was Swine Flu.
A-L: You've been watching too much Fox News.
Irma: We don't get that channel. We only get ABC, NBC, and KTLA, on a good day.
A-L: Have you and Pete finally turned into hippies? Are you living off the grid?
Irma: No, our T.V. antenna isn't great, and I'm too cheap to pay for cable. We used the money we would have spent on cable to send you and Sister Maria to private school.
A-L: Was St. Bonaventure only $35.99 a month? Truth be told, I'd rather have had MTV and VH1 than a Catholic education. Have you ever seen Pop Up Video? That sh** rocks.
Irma: No, I'm not familiar with that program.
A-L: You should sneak into the neighbor's house when they're out of town and watch cable. I'd trade my straightened teeth for three years of the Discovery Channel.
Irma: Is it that good?
A-L: Better. Give them three months, they'll have a documentary on Swine Flu.
Irma: If we're still around then.
A-L: Do you really think you'll catch it?
Irma: I hope not.
A-L: Come on Irma, you're a nurse. You know how diseases are spread, and you and Pete just aren't in the target market. You don't live with pigs, and you wash your hands far too often.
Irma: You don't have to live with pigs to catch it.
A-L: You just have to come in contact with someone who has it, and then lick them. And I bet no one you see, or lick, has it.
Irma: You never know.
A-L: Well, just know that if you and Pete fall victim, Maria and I will handle the proceedings in a manner befitting your legacy.
Irma: You'll serve ham and cheese sandwiches at the memorial service?
A-L: Pork ribs. Happy almost Mother's Day.
Irma: I think that cough Public Safety Pete had for three weeks was Swine Flu.
A-L: You've been watching too much Fox News.
Irma: We don't get that channel. We only get ABC, NBC, and KTLA, on a good day.
A-L: Have you and Pete finally turned into hippies? Are you living off the grid?
Irma: No, our T.V. antenna isn't great, and I'm too cheap to pay for cable. We used the money we would have spent on cable to send you and Sister Maria to private school.
A-L: Was St. Bonaventure only $35.99 a month? Truth be told, I'd rather have had MTV and VH1 than a Catholic education. Have you ever seen Pop Up Video? That sh** rocks.
Irma: No, I'm not familiar with that program.
A-L: You should sneak into the neighbor's house when they're out of town and watch cable. I'd trade my straightened teeth for three years of the Discovery Channel.
Irma: Is it that good?
A-L: Better. Give them three months, they'll have a documentary on Swine Flu.
Irma: If we're still around then.
A-L: Do you really think you'll catch it?
Irma: I hope not.
A-L: Come on Irma, you're a nurse. You know how diseases are spread, and you and Pete just aren't in the target market. You don't live with pigs, and you wash your hands far too often.
Irma: You don't have to live with pigs to catch it.
A-L: You just have to come in contact with someone who has it, and then lick them. And I bet no one you see, or lick, has it.
Irma: You never know.
A-L: Well, just know that if you and Pete fall victim, Maria and I will handle the proceedings in a manner befitting your legacy.
Irma: You'll serve ham and cheese sandwiches at the memorial service?
A-L: Pork ribs. Happy almost Mother's Day.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Helpful Hints For San Francisco
My friend Laura came to visit San Francisco, from scenic Scotland. And she loved it here, but had these two pieces of advice for the city:
1. Turn up the evening temperature a bit.
2. Paint the Golden Gate Bridge gold.
Laura is possibly the only person EVER to see the totally breathtaking, amazing feat of engineering which is the Golden Gate Bridge, and register this reaction: disappointment.
"It's not gold."
1. Turn up the evening temperature a bit.
2. Paint the Golden Gate Bridge gold.
Laura is possibly the only person EVER to see the totally breathtaking, amazing feat of engineering which is the Golden Gate Bridge, and register this reaction: disappointment.
"It's not gold."
Thursday, April 23, 2009
A Growing Readership
A-L: Ohmigosh, people are reading my blog.
Kitty: They are? How do you know?
A-L: I just got a new comment, from the mysteriously named "Anonymous".
Kitty: Cool.
A-L: The message is cryptic, but good. I think. It's succinct, and quite poetic. I bet it's from a famous writer.
Kitty: What does it say?
A-L: "Boring. Dumb."
Kitty: About which post?
A-L: The most recent one, entitled "Bedtime for DJs".
Kitty: Hmm. That's not even close to being the most boring or dumbest post. Wonder who it could be. Does Annais have internet access at daycare?
A-L: She does, but she's a fan of the Ferocious Reader, and besides, she'd use a different moniker, like her ham radio handle.
Kitty: They are? How do you know?
A-L: I just got a new comment, from the mysteriously named "Anonymous".
Kitty: Cool.
A-L: The message is cryptic, but good. I think. It's succinct, and quite poetic. I bet it's from a famous writer.
Kitty: What does it say?
A-L: "Boring. Dumb."
Kitty: About which post?
A-L: The most recent one, entitled "Bedtime for DJs".
Kitty: Hmm. That's not even close to being the most boring or dumbest post. Wonder who it could be. Does Annais have internet access at daycare?
A-L: She does, but she's a fan of the Ferocious Reader, and besides, she'd use a different moniker, like her ham radio handle.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Bedtime for DJs
F.D.: You'll never believe what the DJ upstairs said.
A-L: Try me.
F.D.: He said that he's trying really hard to be considerate, and turn down the music when it's late, but he's struggling with knowing what is "too late".
A-L: Are you saying that he doesn't understand the concept of "bed time"?
F.D.: He doesn't understand what time people who aren't DJs go to bed, and he needs help knowing when that is.
A-L: I have an idea.
F.D.: Uh oh.
A-L: No, it's a good idea. It's not one of my silly "I'll say this for a laugh" ideas.
F.D.: Ok.
A-L: Each night, when it's bed time, you could go upstairs and read him a bed time story. That way, there'll be no confusion about when bed time is. When the story is over, he has to turn the stereo off.
Michael: Or put on headphones.
A-L: Try me.
F.D.: He said that he's trying really hard to be considerate, and turn down the music when it's late, but he's struggling with knowing what is "too late".
A-L: Are you saying that he doesn't understand the concept of "bed time"?
F.D.: He doesn't understand what time people who aren't DJs go to bed, and he needs help knowing when that is.
A-L: I have an idea.
F.D.: Uh oh.
A-L: No, it's a good idea. It's not one of my silly "I'll say this for a laugh" ideas.
F.D.: Ok.
A-L: Each night, when it's bed time, you could go upstairs and read him a bed time story. That way, there'll be no confusion about when bed time is. When the story is over, he has to turn the stereo off.
Michael: Or put on headphones.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
When a DJ Lives Upstairs
Flatmate David: Have you heard the super loud music from the upstairs neighbors?
A-L: No. It might be my snoring that you're hearing.
F.D.: No, it's definitely melodic. But waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too loud, and waaaaaay too late.
A-L: Oh, actually I have. I forgot that I wrote a poem to the upstairs neighbor.
F.D.: Wow, and right on cue, he's turned it up again.
A-L: What song is that? Sounds like the Jackson Five.
F.D.: Not sure. I could Shazam it.
A-L: That's when you know the music upstairs is too loud.
F.D.: They just don't understand the concept of THIN WALLS + LOUD MUSIC + DIFFERENT WORK SCHEDULES = UNHAPPY DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBORS.
A-L: I think passive aggressive is the way to go here.
F.D.: Good idea. When I leave the house at 6 am, I'll leave really bad music on loop. Can I borrow your Phil Collins CD?
A-L: Which one? I mean, I don't own any Phil Collins. Honestly. I was thinking George Michael. But maybe that's so bad it's good.
A-L: No. It might be my snoring that you're hearing.
F.D.: No, it's definitely melodic. But waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too loud, and waaaaaay too late.
A-L: Oh, actually I have. I forgot that I wrote a poem to the upstairs neighbor.
F.D.: Wow, and right on cue, he's turned it up again.
A-L: What song is that? Sounds like the Jackson Five.
F.D.: Not sure. I could Shazam it.
A-L: That's when you know the music upstairs is too loud.
F.D.: They just don't understand the concept of THIN WALLS + LOUD MUSIC + DIFFERENT WORK SCHEDULES = UNHAPPY DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBORS.
A-L: I think passive aggressive is the way to go here.
F.D.: Good idea. When I leave the house at 6 am, I'll leave really bad music on loop. Can I borrow your Phil Collins CD?
A-L: Which one? I mean, I don't own any Phil Collins. Honestly. I was thinking George Michael. But maybe that's so bad it's good.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Conversation Stopper
At the San Francisco Airport, after a few minutes of friendly conversation...
Friendly man: So, what do you do?
A-L: I'm an admin assistant.
(insert long pause)
Friendly man: Do you want a drink?
Friendly man: So, what do you do?
A-L: I'm an admin assistant.
(insert long pause)
Friendly man: Do you want a drink?
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Location, Location, Location
A-L: I must be drunk. I'm filling in some information about a company, which is in Texas, and I put down the wrong country. Texas isn't in Canada!
SR: Texas is in Texas.
SR: Texas is in Texas.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
A Definite Red Flag
Caroline: I once broke up with a boyfriend because he had a Mariah Carey CD.
A-L: Really?? Which one?
Caroline: I think it was Daydream.
A-L: I meant which boyfriend.
A-L: Really?? Which one?
Caroline: I think it was Daydream.
A-L: I meant which boyfriend.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Interview Saga - Part 1
This really happened. To someone I know. Names have been changed to protect those who need protecting.
Sally: I'm thrilled to be here, Nancy. Thanks for giving me an interview.
Nancy: No problem. I just want to start out by telling you that I'm leaving the company very soon. I'm going to get my MBA. I just thought it was fair to say that up front.
Sally: Great, then maybe I'll get your job instead of the one I'm interviewing for. I mean, what a shame. I'm sure I could learn so much from you.
Nancy: I have NO IDEA how they're going to find someone to replace me. They're never going to find what they're looking for.
Sally: Yes, you look like that rare individual who is indispensable.
Nancy: So, the salary's not spectacular for this low-level customer service position. How do you feel about that?
Sally: I've considered dog walking, nit picking and converting so I could become the mother to someone else's Jewish baby. I'm not particularly money motivated in this down spiraling economy. What's REALLY important to me is that I like the product I'm selling and that I work with nice people. And that I'm employed.
Nancy: Oh, I'm not nice.
Sally: Yes, I didn't not notice that. I mean, tee hee.
Nancy: I'm serious. I'm not nice. I hate training people. I'm really impatient.
Sally: Are you drunk? Did you just say that to me? I mean, I can understand that sentiment. I've been a manager, and training people can be challenging.
Nancy: Yeah, I'll show someone how to do something once, and if they don't get it, they're on their own and I get really aggravated.
Sally: Nit picking wouldn't be so bad. I could make my own hours.
Nancy: One thing that makes this mindless job very complicated is that we use many different systems, so you have to be very precise.
Sally: Well, I'm very good about admitting if I've made a mistake, and then going back and fixing it.
Nancy: That's a good trait, but, uh, we don't make mistakes. I'm serious. We don't make mistakes. We can't make mistakes.
Sally: You are the best thing that's ever happened to my blog. Are you kidding me? Did you REALLY just say that to me during an interview?
Nancy: Ok, come meet my boss, Bob.
Sally: Let's hope he's also a goldmine of interviewing no-no's.
-----
Bob: Scaaawwt-land, huh? How long did you live in Edin-bor-ough?
Sally: I'm not sure where Edin-bor-ough is, sir, but I lived in Edinburgh for five years.
Bob: I'm Scawwww-tish.
Sally: I don't believe you.
Bob: So, tell me about the retail job you had in Beverly Hills. I bet you had some demanding customers there.
Sally: That was seven jobs ago. Do you really want to focus on that one?
Bob: I'm just going to talk over you, and anything you say is wrong. My interviewing style is a mix of aggressive, condescending and confrontational. So explain how you would have dealt with an unhappy customer when you were working retail.
Sally: Well, I would have apologized, and then spoken with my manager...
Bob (interrupting): Let's say your manager's unavailable.
Sally: Well, I would have spoken to my manager's manager.
Bob: That person's not available either.
Sally: I didn't work alone at this high-department store. I don't think, sir.
Bob: Moving right along, prove to me that you're organized.
Sally: Uh, my resume is easy to read? I got here on time?
(At this point in the interview, Sally had given up, and already strongly disliked both Bob and Nancy. And never wanted to work near/with/for/against them.)
Sally: What, exactly, are you looking for in a low-level underpaid customer service rep reporting to self-important, inexperienced and unprofessional managers? I mean, what are you looking for in an employee?
Bob: I'm looking for someone who can "keep their head, when all about are losing theirs".
Sally: I like that poem.
Bob: Yes, it's Robert Burns.
Sally: Try again. It's Rudyard Kipling.
Bob: It's one of the two.
Yeah, the one I said.
And here concludes Part 1. Let's recap: Sally corrected her potential boss's boss in an interview because she can't bear to let it pass that he's attributed a Rudyard Kipling poem to Robert Burns. Will Sally ever get a job?? To be continued.
Sally: I'm thrilled to be here, Nancy. Thanks for giving me an interview.
Nancy: No problem. I just want to start out by telling you that I'm leaving the company very soon. I'm going to get my MBA. I just thought it was fair to say that up front.
Sally: Great, then maybe I'll get your job instead of the one I'm interviewing for. I mean, what a shame. I'm sure I could learn so much from you.
Nancy: I have NO IDEA how they're going to find someone to replace me. They're never going to find what they're looking for.
Sally: Yes, you look like that rare individual who is indispensable.
Nancy: So, the salary's not spectacular for this low-level customer service position. How do you feel about that?
Sally: I've considered dog walking, nit picking and converting so I could become the mother to someone else's Jewish baby. I'm not particularly money motivated in this down spiraling economy. What's REALLY important to me is that I like the product I'm selling and that I work with nice people. And that I'm employed.
Nancy: Oh, I'm not nice.
Sally: Yes, I didn't not notice that. I mean, tee hee.
Nancy: I'm serious. I'm not nice. I hate training people. I'm really impatient.
Sally: Are you drunk? Did you just say that to me? I mean, I can understand that sentiment. I've been a manager, and training people can be challenging.
Nancy: Yeah, I'll show someone how to do something once, and if they don't get it, they're on their own and I get really aggravated.
Sally: Nit picking wouldn't be so bad. I could make my own hours.
Nancy: One thing that makes this mindless job very complicated is that we use many different systems, so you have to be very precise.
Sally: Well, I'm very good about admitting if I've made a mistake, and then going back and fixing it.
Nancy: That's a good trait, but, uh, we don't make mistakes. I'm serious. We don't make mistakes. We can't make mistakes.
Sally: You are the best thing that's ever happened to my blog. Are you kidding me? Did you REALLY just say that to me during an interview?
Nancy: Ok, come meet my boss, Bob.
Sally: Let's hope he's also a goldmine of interviewing no-no's.
-----
Bob: Scaaawwt-land, huh? How long did you live in Edin-bor-ough?
Sally: I'm not sure where Edin-bor-ough is, sir, but I lived in Edinburgh for five years.
Bob: I'm Scawwww-tish.
Sally: I don't believe you.
Bob: So, tell me about the retail job you had in Beverly Hills. I bet you had some demanding customers there.
Sally: That was seven jobs ago. Do you really want to focus on that one?
Bob: I'm just going to talk over you, and anything you say is wrong. My interviewing style is a mix of aggressive, condescending and confrontational. So explain how you would have dealt with an unhappy customer when you were working retail.
Sally: Well, I would have apologized, and then spoken with my manager...
Bob (interrupting): Let's say your manager's unavailable.
Sally: Well, I would have spoken to my manager's manager.
Bob: That person's not available either.
Sally: I didn't work alone at this high-department store. I don't think, sir.
Bob: Moving right along, prove to me that you're organized.
Sally: Uh, my resume is easy to read? I got here on time?
(At this point in the interview, Sally had given up, and already strongly disliked both Bob and Nancy. And never wanted to work near/with/for/against them.)
Sally: What, exactly, are you looking for in a low-level underpaid customer service rep reporting to self-important, inexperienced and unprofessional managers? I mean, what are you looking for in an employee?
Bob: I'm looking for someone who can "keep their head, when all about are losing theirs".
Sally: I like that poem.
Bob: Yes, it's Robert Burns.
Sally: Try again. It's Rudyard Kipling.
Bob: It's one of the two.
Yeah, the one I said.
And here concludes Part 1. Let's recap: Sally corrected her potential boss's boss in an interview because she can't bear to let it pass that he's attributed a Rudyard Kipling poem to Robert Burns. Will Sally ever get a job?? To be continued.
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