The Cat Whisperer

Via Messenger (actual transcript):

A-L: Hi Caroline. How are you? How's pregnant married life?

Caroline: Great. We hired a cat therapist.

A-L: Because the cats threw up on your cat self-help book Think Like a Cat?

Caroline: No, there was a whole lotta cat pee goin' on. In the house. So we paid for a telephone consultation with a cat therapist. Turns out coyote urine (available from G.I. Joes.) does the trick.

A-L: Wow. I couldn't make this stuff up.

Caroline: At first we thought it was just Cujo peeing everywhere, but then, while we were on the phone with the cat therapist, Zoe backed up to my closet and peed with impunity!

A-L: What does impunity mean? And where does the coyote urine factor in? Was there some weird poolside baptism? I can double-check with my mom, but I don't think pregnant women are supposed to handle coyote urine. Maybe your baby will have paws.

Caroline: Well, it turns out that Cujo and Zoe were getting upset by all the other cats they could see (through the window) that were coming into our yard, so they were marking their territory. Only inside.

A-L: How many other cats were in the yard?

Caroline: Well, we live on a corner. So it's a crossroads. There's quite a line-up of perpetrators, such as Gray Kitty, Fluffy Gray Kitty, Fake Steve, Fluffy Steve, uh...

A-L: Who's Fake Steve?

Caroline: The cat that looks like Brian and Ashleigh's cat Steve.

A-L: Of course. Why were they all drawn to your yard? The hot tub?

Caroline: That's why the raccoons visit. It's a raccoon swingers' bar come nightfall. Which is a whole 'nother story.

A-L: So, where does the coyote urine factor in?

Caroline: The Cat Therapist said to spray it around the yard to keep the other cats out.

A-L: Of course. It all makes sense. But secretly I wish there had been some weird full-moon coyote urine baptism pot luck. Kitty has the perfect outfit for it.