A-L: What's new, temporary Scandi roommate?
Åsa: I have a brilliant business idea. I'm going to give tours of IKEA. Downstairs neighbor Michael and the Seahorse Whisperer have never been there.
Å-L: You're kidding.
Åsa: The Seahorse Whisperer spends all her time in windowless biology labs, and Michael is devoted to Craigslist. But I imagine there are others out there. And what better way to introduce people to the magic of IKEA, than having a Swede tour them around?
Kitty: Having a Finn tour them around?
Åsa: I would explain ALL the Swedish words, and their relevance and historical and cultural significance.
Å-L: My sister caught chicken pox (in the play area) at the IKEA outside Frankfurt in 1979. Could you incorporate that into your presentation?
Åsa: That could possibly be an anecdote played on the headsets on the ride over to IKEA, but it's not particularly relevant.
Kitty: Or interesting.
Åsa: And I'm not sure the higher-ups at IKEA would endorse a tour that highlights the petri dish-like nature of the play area. But you digress. The tour would end with a fabulous meal at the IKEA cafeteria, and everyone would get a pack of tea lights.
Sign ups accepted now.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Thanksgiving in March
I'm thankful:
- That the Thumb-Sucking Cat's Brother has only peed in my room twice
- That cat pee isn't blue
- That the muffler I saw on the side of the 101 isn't mine
- That the dishwasher in the middle lane of the 880 this morning isn't mine
- for Silvio Berlusconi, who brings an element of comedy to corruption and international politics
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Update from Portland
A-L: What's new?
Caroline: I've been re-watching 1980s sitcoms in my free time.
A-L: Simon and Simon?
Caroline: Magnum P.I. I've just gone through all eight seasons.
A-L: Wow, eight years is a long time.
Caroline: Too long, if I may say so. It went a bit "Miami Vice" in season eight. But there's something really comforting about watching a favorite childhood sitcom. Seeing Tom Selleck takes me back to my elementary school days in Arkansas.
A-L: I think I'm really confused about Arkansas now.
Caroline: I highly recommend taking in a few hundred hours of an old show. Besides, I love Tom Selleck.
A-L: I don't have a television. But I suppose The Seahorse Whisperer, Roommate Will and I could re-enact scenes from Dallas, focusing on the years before Bobby came back from the dead.
Kitty: I'll play Sue Ellen.
Caroline: I've been re-watching 1980s sitcoms in my free time.
A-L: Simon and Simon?
Caroline: Magnum P.I. I've just gone through all eight seasons.
A-L: Wow, eight years is a long time.
Caroline: Too long, if I may say so. It went a bit "Miami Vice" in season eight. But there's something really comforting about watching a favorite childhood sitcom. Seeing Tom Selleck takes me back to my elementary school days in Arkansas.
A-L: I think I'm really confused about Arkansas now.
Caroline: I highly recommend taking in a few hundred hours of an old show. Besides, I love Tom Selleck.
A-L: I don't have a television. But I suppose The Seahorse Whisperer, Roommate Will and I could re-enact scenes from Dallas, focusing on the years before Bobby came back from the dead.
Kitty: I'll play Sue Ellen.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Monday, March 08, 2010
Thumb-Suckings Cat's Brother for Sale (or free to a good home)
A-L: You'll never guess what happened.
Caroline: You're right.
A-L: The Sea-Horse Whisperer's Sister's Thumb-Sucking Cat's Brother jumped up on my bed last night and...
Caroline: Peed with impunity?
A-L: How'd you know?
Caroline: Everyone comes to me with cat pee stories.
A-L: I don't suppose you have any of that coyote urine left?
Caroline: Um, that wouldn't help you. The Thumb-Sucker's Brother is peeing in your room not because he sees Steve and Fake Steve in the yard, but because he's been traumatized by the move across country.
A-L: I think he wants my room. It gets morning sun and has a nice closet.
Caroline: No, he's in distress. He misses Omaha, and his brother.
A-L: I do suppose San Francisco is quite a change. He's started wearing skinny jeans. And he's also been self-harming. He has scratched two bald spots on his forehead.
Caroline: Do you want me to send you my, er, dog-eared copy of Think Like a Cat?
A-L: Will that get cat pee out of down comforter?
Caroline: No, you need Anti Icky Poo for that.
Caroline: You're right.
A-L: The Sea-Horse Whisperer's Sister's Thumb-Sucking Cat's Brother jumped up on my bed last night and...
Caroline: Peed with impunity?
A-L: How'd you know?
Caroline: Everyone comes to me with cat pee stories.
A-L: I don't suppose you have any of that coyote urine left?
Caroline: Um, that wouldn't help you. The Thumb-Sucker's Brother is peeing in your room not because he sees Steve and Fake Steve in the yard, but because he's been traumatized by the move across country.
A-L: I think he wants my room. It gets morning sun and has a nice closet.
Caroline: No, he's in distress. He misses Omaha, and his brother.
A-L: I do suppose San Francisco is quite a change. He's started wearing skinny jeans. And he's also been self-harming. He has scratched two bald spots on his forehead.
Caroline: Do you want me to send you my, er, dog-eared copy of Think Like a Cat?
A-L: Will that get cat pee out of down comforter?
Caroline: No, you need Anti Icky Poo for that.
Overheard
"I don't care if she's had plastic surgery, it works."
Sheila on Demi Moore
"It's just a house."
Brussels/Edinburgh/DC Steven on The White House
"But our center of government is just a door."
Brussels/Edinburgh/DC Steven on 10 Downing Street
Sheila on Demi Moore
"It's just a house."
Brussels/Edinburgh/DC Steven on The White House
"But our center of government is just a door."
Brussels/Edinburgh/DC Steven on 10 Downing Street
Thursday, March 04, 2010
The Amazing Thumb-Sucking Cat, Almost
The Seahorse Whisperer: My older sister's cat is coming to stay with us for a while.
A-L: Cool. Anything special we should know about him?
TSW's Younger Sister: He might be a thumb-sucker.
Peter the Greek: His own, or someone else's?
TSW: His own.
A-L: Why do you say he "might" suck his thumb?
TSW's Younger Sister: We're not sure if it's him or his brother.
Peter the Greek: Could you call your older sister and ask?
A-L: I'd rather be surprised.
---
Boo has arrived. Turns out he's the Amazing Thumb-Sucking Cat's Brother. In case you need yet ANOTHER reason to visit San Francisco. For a limited time only.
A-L: Cool. Anything special we should know about him?
TSW's Younger Sister: He might be a thumb-sucker.
Peter the Greek: His own, or someone else's?
TSW: His own.
A-L: Why do you say he "might" suck his thumb?
TSW's Younger Sister: We're not sure if it's him or his brother.
Peter the Greek: Could you call your older sister and ask?
A-L: I'd rather be surprised.
---
Boo has arrived. Turns out he's the Amazing Thumb-Sucking Cat's Brother. In case you need yet ANOTHER reason to visit San Francisco. For a limited time only.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Dress Code
Peter the Greek: I'm going to Meditation this week.
A-L: That sounds relaxing. Maybe The Seahorse Whisperer and our new temporary Scandi subletter will want to come along.
P-the-G: Um, ok.
Kitty: Don't you mean "om, ok"?
Day of Meditation Class...
A-L: The others have backed out. They're busy. But I'll come along. Don't tell my Lutheran Republican parents.
P-the-G: Shirley they know that it's all part of the San Francisco experience. You HAVE to go to a meditation class. Just like you HAVE to do yoga, and buy a bicycle, and eat salted caramel ice cream at Bi-Rite, and have dinner at that weird sushi place that's only open a couple nights a week.
A-L: True. What does one wear to Meditation class?
P-the-G: The Queen wears tie-dyed stretch pants. But you should just wear something comfortable.
A-L: That sounds relaxing. Maybe The Seahorse Whisperer and our new temporary Scandi subletter will want to come along.
P-the-G: Um, ok.
Kitty: Don't you mean "om, ok"?
Day of Meditation Class...
A-L: The others have backed out. They're busy. But I'll come along. Don't tell my Lutheran Republican parents.
P-the-G: Shirley they know that it's all part of the San Francisco experience. You HAVE to go to a meditation class. Just like you HAVE to do yoga, and buy a bicycle, and eat salted caramel ice cream at Bi-Rite, and have dinner at that weird sushi place that's only open a couple nights a week.
A-L: True. What does one wear to Meditation class?
P-the-G: The Queen wears tie-dyed stretch pants. But you should just wear something comfortable.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Early Morning Coffee Shop Music Debate
J and Z are working the coffee counter at the Velo Rouge Cafe this morning.
Z: Music, please. But, please, not Christina Aguilera.
J: I'll put that on when Mack gets here. He's a huge music snob. And I'm not. I mean, it's all music. Right? Really, what's the difference between Radiohead and Christina Aguilera?
A-L: The spelling.
J: I'm glad you know the answer to that question.
Z: Music, please. But, please, not Christina Aguilera.
J: I'll put that on when Mack gets here. He's a huge music snob. And I'm not. I mean, it's all music. Right? Really, what's the difference between Radiohead and Christina Aguilera?
A-L: The spelling.
J: I'm glad you know the answer to that question.
Monday, February 08, 2010
Part 2: What *NOT* to Say
We celebrated a belated Christmas this weekend at Reckless Cousin Tina's house. The kids were opening presents.
Aila (upon receiving a multi-colored shirt): This doesn't go with anything!
Aila (upon receiving a multi-colored shirt): This doesn't go with anything!
Saturday, February 06, 2010
Beautiful Sunny Day In San Francisco
Yesterday morning. At the house. Getting ready to leave.
Roommate Morgan (aka "The Seahorse Whisperer", but more on that later): Wow, it's beautiful outside.
A-L: It is. I think I'll drive 35 miles down the Peninsula and spend the day working in a cubicle.
The Seahorse Whisperer: I think I'll go spend the day sitting in a windowless lab.
Roommate Will: I think I'll go spend the day in the theater with a bunch of middle schoolers.
Kitty: You win.
Roommate Morgan (aka "The Seahorse Whisperer", but more on that later): Wow, it's beautiful outside.
A-L: It is. I think I'll drive 35 miles down the Peninsula and spend the day working in a cubicle.
The Seahorse Whisperer: I think I'll go spend the day sitting in a windowless lab.
Roommate Will: I think I'll go spend the day in the theater with a bunch of middle schoolers.
Kitty: You win.
Monday, February 01, 2010
That Elusive Kitchen Table
A-L: I need help finding a kitchen table.
Peter-the-Greek: Did the old one run away?
A-L: In a sense. It went to a better home. Downstairs Neighbor and Former Roommate Michael (aka "Jewish Downstairs Neighbor/Sound Engineer Michael") was bequeathed the table by a former roommate. So we had to let her go.
P the G: What's the problem? Kitchen tables practically fall from the sky in a city of renters.
A-L: That's exactly what I'm hoping for. I want the perfect kitchen table to land in our kitchen. Upright. I'm tempted just to go to IKEA.
P the G: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! You can't just go to IKEA.
Downstairs Neighbor and Former Roommate Michael: Hi. What are you guys talking about?
A-L: The case of the missing kitchen table.
P the G: Our job is to stop her from going to IKEA.
DN+FRM: Craigslist all the way.
P the G: I don't know about "all the way". I have rule: If a cat can pee on it, I won't buy it from Craigslist.
A-L: I'm against Craigslist because it involves a lot of legwork. And what *can't* a cat pee on?
Caroline: True dat.
DN+FRM: We'll do the work for you. Peter and I will find the tables, and e-mail you the links.
P the G: In between looking for dates.
A-L: Too much work.
P the G: Reading an e-mail is too much work?
A-L: Vetting the kitchen table choices, calling the owners to make appointments to "meet" the tables, driving 930 blocks to look at them...that's too much work. I believe my patience will be rewarded.
Kitty: Until then, dinner in the garage.
Peter-the-Greek: Did the old one run away?
A-L: In a sense. It went to a better home. Downstairs Neighbor and Former Roommate Michael (aka "Jewish Downstairs Neighbor/Sound Engineer Michael") was bequeathed the table by a former roommate. So we had to let her go.
P the G: What's the problem? Kitchen tables practically fall from the sky in a city of renters.
A-L: That's exactly what I'm hoping for. I want the perfect kitchen table to land in our kitchen. Upright. I'm tempted just to go to IKEA.
P the G: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! You can't just go to IKEA.
Downstairs Neighbor and Former Roommate Michael: Hi. What are you guys talking about?
A-L: The case of the missing kitchen table.
P the G: Our job is to stop her from going to IKEA.
DN+FRM: Craigslist all the way.
P the G: I don't know about "all the way". I have rule: If a cat can pee on it, I won't buy it from Craigslist.
A-L: I'm against Craigslist because it involves a lot of legwork. And what *can't* a cat pee on?
Caroline: True dat.
DN+FRM: We'll do the work for you. Peter and I will find the tables, and e-mail you the links.
P the G: In between looking for dates.
A-L: Too much work.
P the G: Reading an e-mail is too much work?
A-L: Vetting the kitchen table choices, calling the owners to make appointments to "meet" the tables, driving 930 blocks to look at them...that's too much work. I believe my patience will be rewarded.
Kitty: Until then, dinner in the garage.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Update from Dingwall
Norette, our Highlands correspondent, and I had the following conversation...
A-L: Hi. How's life in Dingwall?
Norette: Busy as ever. I'm getting ready for my Birthday party.
A-L: It's not for months.
Norette: The 15th of May is right around the corner. Will you be here?
A-L: Och, aye. What's the theme?
Norette: How'd you know there'd be a theme?
A-L: Just a hunch.
Norette: The theme is Around the World in 80 Days. It's Fancy Dress, so you have to come dressed as something from a country. Ideally one you want to visit.
A-L: I've always wanted to go to Brazil, but there's now way I'll be able to fit this outfit in my carry-on.
Norette: What about a Finnish National Costume?
A-L: I think you have to know how to do origami to make that hat, and I just don't have the patience for it.
Norette: Well, if you need any inspiration, Gemma and I are going to be in Kimonos. And my friend Bev is going to be the Statue of Liberty.
A-L: Wow. Sound great.
Norette: And my granny is going flamenco.
A-L: I'm not familiar with the term.
A-L: Hi. How's life in Dingwall?
Norette: Busy as ever. I'm getting ready for my Birthday party.
A-L: It's not for months.
Norette: The 15th of May is right around the corner. Will you be here?
A-L: Och, aye. What's the theme?
Norette: How'd you know there'd be a theme?
A-L: Just a hunch.
Norette: The theme is Around the World in 80 Days. It's Fancy Dress, so you have to come dressed as something from a country. Ideally one you want to visit.
A-L: I've always wanted to go to Brazil, but there's now way I'll be able to fit this outfit in my carry-on.
Norette: What about a Finnish National Costume?
A-L: I think you have to know how to do origami to make that hat, and I just don't have the patience for it.
Norette: Well, if you need any inspiration, Gemma and I are going to be in Kimonos. And my friend Bev is going to be the Statue of Liberty.
A-L: Wow. Sound great.
Norette: And my granny is going flamenco.
A-L: I'm not familiar with the term.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
The Greek Woody Allen
A-L: How are you?
Peter the Greek: I think I'm turning into Woody Allen.
A-L: Tell me more.
Peter the Greek: I just feel like I'm channeling him, more and more.
A-L: But you're Greek.
Peter the Greek: So?
A-L: And you're not neurotic.
Peter the Greek: And?
A-L: And you're not a short divorced Jewish screenwriter and actor.
Peter the Greek: Ok. I'm Larry David as Woody Allen.
Peter the Greek: I think I'm turning into Woody Allen.
A-L: Tell me more.
Peter the Greek: I just feel like I'm channeling him, more and more.
A-L: But you're Greek.
Peter the Greek: So?
A-L: And you're not neurotic.
Peter the Greek: And?
A-L: And you're not a short divorced Jewish screenwriter and actor.
Peter the Greek: Ok. I'm Larry David as Woody Allen.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
What *NOT* to Say
At the grocery store this morning. Buying sparkling wine.
25-year-old male Cashier looks at wine, looks at me, and says: Oh, you look old enough.
50-something man behind me in line meets my eyes, and looks terrified for the 25-year-old cashier.
A-L: How old do I look?
50-something man behind me in line looks ready to drop his groceries and run.
Cashier: I'd say 35.
50-something man starts whimpering.
A-L: Nope, guess again.
Cashier: Higher?
50-something man feints.
A-L: You're not married, are you?
Cashier: Nope.
50-something man: Didn't think so.
A-L: What if I told you I'm 24 years old?
Kitty: Maybe in dog years.
25-year-old male Cashier looks at wine, looks at me, and says: Oh, you look old enough.
50-something man behind me in line meets my eyes, and looks terrified for the 25-year-old cashier.
A-L: How old do I look?
50-something man behind me in line looks ready to drop his groceries and run.
Cashier: I'd say 35.
50-something man starts whimpering.
A-L: Nope, guess again.
Cashier: Higher?
50-something man feints.
A-L: You're not married, are you?
Cashier: Nope.
50-something man: Didn't think so.
A-L: What if I told you I'm 24 years old?
Kitty: Maybe in dog years.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Don't Strike ME With Lightning
Jewish downstairs neighbor/Sound Engineer Michael was regaling me with stories of his work at a private party on Friday night, the first night of Hanukkah.
Jewish Downstairs Neighbor/Sound Engineer Michael: The food at this private party was amazing. I was eating this mini pizza, and it was soooo good. I couldn't figure out what the secret ingredient was. But it was irresistibly delicious.
A-L: Wow. Tell me more.
JDN/SE M: It had pesto on it. And then it dawned on me why it was so good.
A-L: Don't say it.
JDN/SE M: That's right, it had bacon on it.
A-L: You ate bacon on the first night of Hanukkah?
DN/SE M: Everything's better with bacon. Even Hanukkah.
Jewish Downstairs Neighbor/Sound Engineer Michael: The food at this private party was amazing. I was eating this mini pizza, and it was soooo good. I couldn't figure out what the secret ingredient was. But it was irresistibly delicious.
A-L: Wow. Tell me more.
JDN/SE M: It had pesto on it. And then it dawned on me why it was so good.
A-L: Don't say it.
JDN/SE M: That's right, it had bacon on it.
A-L: You ate bacon on the first night of Hanukkah?
DN/SE M: Everything's better with bacon. Even Hanukkah.
Friday, December 11, 2009
No Signs
The D-F and his handsome friend, Calvin, are moving up the street. I'm worried about Calvin's safety in a home where lots of people are coming and going. So I offered to make a sign for the door to inform guests/roommates about proper dog safety. IE: Don't let Calvin outside.
The D-F: What would the sign say?
A-L: Well, when Kitty and I lived together, I posted a sign on the inside of the door with a picture of a cat on it, crossed out. That let everyone know she wasn't allowed outside. I could do the same for Calvin.
The D-F: Usually a picture with a line through it means "NO", as in "NO CATS."
A-L: Oh. Do you think Kitty interpreted it as me being anti-cat? Is that why we were always add odds?
The D-F: At odds? Over what?
A-L: Her literary voice, of course.
The D-F: What would the sign say?
A-L: Well, when Kitty and I lived together, I posted a sign on the inside of the door with a picture of a cat on it, crossed out. That let everyone know she wasn't allowed outside. I could do the same for Calvin.
The D-F: Usually a picture with a line through it means "NO", as in "NO CATS."
A-L: Oh. Do you think Kitty interpreted it as me being anti-cat? Is that why we were always add odds?
The D-F: At odds? Over what?
A-L: Her literary voice, of course.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
The Miserable Johnsons
I don't know the full story, but I won't let that stop me.
In years gone by, my friend Dave's family celebrated Christmas with the Johnsons. Apparently the tradition went on for years. Too many years for one of Dave's siblings, who blurted out - at the Christmas table, mind - "You Johnsons ruin every Christmas!"
Some friends used to play the game "if you could eavesdrop on any conversation in history, which would you choose?" More enlightened folks chose historical events like the meeting where the JFK assassination plot was hatched, the Last Supper, the negotiations Prince went through to get out of his contract with Sony, blah, blah...
I'm not enlightened. I choose that Christmas Dinner at Dave's family's home.
This Thanksgiving, I received a text from Dave's Wife that said: "You Johnsons ruin every Christmas." That's all it said. Which made me think the Johnsons have expanded their work to include the Thanksgiving holiday. Hope that's not the case.
In years gone by, my friend Dave's family celebrated Christmas with the Johnsons. Apparently the tradition went on for years. Too many years for one of Dave's siblings, who blurted out - at the Christmas table, mind - "You Johnsons ruin every Christmas!"
Some friends used to play the game "if you could eavesdrop on any conversation in history, which would you choose?" More enlightened folks chose historical events like the meeting where the JFK assassination plot was hatched, the Last Supper, the negotiations Prince went through to get out of his contract with Sony, blah, blah...
I'm not enlightened. I choose that Christmas Dinner at Dave's family's home.
This Thanksgiving, I received a text from Dave's Wife that said: "You Johnsons ruin every Christmas." That's all it said. Which made me think the Johnsons have expanded their work to include the Thanksgiving holiday. Hope that's not the case.
Monday, December 07, 2009
More Disappointment
I have found another person who was somewhat disappointed by "the breathtaking, amazing feat of engineering which is the Golden Gate Bridge".
Sara's reaction upon seeing this majestic structure: Oh, it's so short.
Sara's reaction upon seeing this majestic structure: Oh, it's so short.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)