Annais: Mommy, I'm hungry.
Sister Maria: What would you like to eat?
Annais: A Gorilla bar.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
True Story
Pete: Hello, this is Pete.
A-L: Hi Pete. How was the County Fair? Tell me everything. Did Aila and Annais have fun? What did they say? They're so cute. Tell me all the funny things they said.
Pete: Yes, they had a good time.
A-L: What did you see at the Fair? What did Aila and Annais say?
Pete (soundingly faintly annoyed): Oh, we had a great time. We saw the animals, and went down the big slide.
A-L: What animals? Did you see all the art projects? Did they ride the ponies? Were there baby chicks there? And bunnies? What did they say??
Pete: Oh, they loved the animals. They saw the cows and goats and pigs.
A-L: What did they say?
Pete: Oink, oink.
A-L: Hi Pete. How was the County Fair? Tell me everything. Did Aila and Annais have fun? What did they say? They're so cute. Tell me all the funny things they said.
Pete: Yes, they had a good time.
A-L: What did you see at the Fair? What did Aila and Annais say?
Pete (soundingly faintly annoyed): Oh, we had a great time. We saw the animals, and went down the big slide.
A-L: What animals? Did you see all the art projects? Did they ride the ponies? Were there baby chicks there? And bunnies? What did they say??
Pete: Oh, they loved the animals. They saw the cows and goats and pigs.
A-L: What did they say?
Pete: Oink, oink.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
L. Ron Gemma
When Publishing students* go to the London Book Fair...
Gemma: Why is no one speaking to us?
Norette: Uh, probably because we're not offering them thousands for a manuscript, or placing a large order for books, maybe.
Gemma: No, that's not it.
Lady-willing-to-talk-to-students-at-the-London-Book-Fair: Hello, do you have a minute? I'd like to invite you to a reading.
Gemma: Great. Will Paul Auster be there?
LWTTTSATLBF: It'll be a reading from Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard.
Gemma to Norette: Is that the guy from Happy Days?
Norette: Um, no.
LWTTTSATLBF: The reading's this evening.
Gemma: Will the author be there?
LWTTTSATLBF: No, he died in 1986.
Gemma: Oh, so he'll be there in spirit.
Gemma: Why is no one speaking to us?
Norette: Uh, probably because we're not offering them thousands for a manuscript, or placing a large order for books, maybe.
Gemma: No, that's not it.
Lady-willing-to-talk-to-students-at-the-London-Book-Fair: Hello, do you have a minute? I'd like to invite you to a reading.
Gemma: Great. Will Paul Auster be there?
LWTTTSATLBF: It'll be a reading from Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard.
Gemma to Norette: Is that the guy from Happy Days?
Norette: Um, no.
LWTTTSATLBF: The reading's this evening.
Gemma: Will the author be there?
LWTTTSATLBF: No, he died in 1986.
Gemma: Oh, so he'll be there in spirit.
*now known as "the Publishing Ladies"
Bus Trip
On a recent bus trip from Edinburgh to Inverness, Ellie, Gemma and I were seated near some Austrians. Here's how the conversation went:
A-L: Where are you going?
Austrian 1: We are going to Inverness on a houseboating trip.
A-L: Great. The six of us will have a great time.
Austrian 2: Uh...
Gemma to me: Someone stole his sense of humour.
A-L: I lived in Austria for ten months, so now I'm going to speak at you in broken German alternating with English in a German/Austrian accent.
Austrian 2: Uh...
A-L: Let's talk about Austria. What's happening there?
And then I was possessed by an evil troll who made me ask: How's Josef Fritzl?
Austrian 1: Uh.
A-L: Sorry, I don't know what evil troll possessed me to ask that.
Austrian 1: Oh, that's ok, he's the most famous Austrian.
A-L: Uh, not really. Julie Andrews is the most famous Austrian.
A-L: Where are you going?
Austrian 1: We are going to Inverness on a houseboating trip.
A-L: Great. The six of us will have a great time.
Austrian 2: Uh...
Gemma to me: Someone stole his sense of humour.
A-L: I lived in Austria for ten months, so now I'm going to speak at you in broken German alternating with English in a German/Austrian accent.
Austrian 2: Uh...
A-L: Let's talk about Austria. What's happening there?
And then I was possessed by an evil troll who made me ask: How's Josef Fritzl?
Austrian 1: Uh.
A-L: Sorry, I don't know what evil troll possessed me to ask that.
Austrian 1: Oh, that's ok, he's the most famous Austrian.
A-L: Uh, not really. Julie Andrews is the most famous Austrian.
Monday, August 04, 2008
Saturday, August 02, 2008
The Ted & Kitty Show
Let's face it folks, this blog is nothing more than a vehicle for Ted & Kitty to promote themselves. They've had a free ride for long enough. So, I'm splitting up the act. This December, after three and half years in the same flat, Ted and Kitty are parting ways. Kitty is moving to the States. To the west coast. For a while. Further information forthcoming. Kitty's invited me to join her, and we're flying out to L.A. on December 19th.
So, if you've never seen the comedy stylings of Ted & Kitty live, you have four and half months to do so. Shows daily, except Sundays.
So, if you've never seen the comedy stylings of Ted & Kitty live, you have four and half months to do so. Shows daily, except Sundays.
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