In church, on Christmas Eve...
Pastor is reading from Luke 2: 1-20, the story of the birth of Jesus, which includes this passage:
11Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. 12This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."
Aila: Mom, mom, that's from Charlie Brown*!
Insert raucous laughter from A-L and Sister Maria.
*A Charlie Brown Christmas
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Car Talk with Irma, Aila & Annais
Almost as funny as Car Talk, are the telephone conversations Irma has with Aila and Annais when they're in the car on the way home from day care.
Irma: Hi Aila, how are you?
Aila: Hi Momma, I'm fine.
Irma: Did you have a good day?
Aila: Yes, I had fun at Gloria's house. We sang songs.
Irma: What did you sing?
Aila: "Away in a Manger"
And then she sang Irma the first verse of "Away in a Manger", paused, and said, "You know Momma, it's a very long song."
Irma: Hi Aila, how are you?
Aila: Hi Momma, I'm fine.
Irma: Did you have a good day?
Aila: Yes, I had fun at Gloria's house. We sang songs.
Irma: What did you sing?
Aila: "Away in a Manger"
And then she sang Irma the first verse of "Away in a Manger", paused, and said, "You know Momma, it's a very long song."
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Carry On
A-L: Hello.
Pete: Can you fit a snowsuit in your carry-on luggage?
A-L: Who is this?
Pete: It's your mother's boyfriend, the grandfather of the butternut squash.
A-L: Oh, my travel agent. How are ya, Pete?
Pete: Good, but answer the question. Can you fit a snowsuit in your carry-on luggage?
A-L: For what? Am I doing stand-up in business class?
Pete: No, you might need in it Newark, especially if you're spending Christmas there.
A-L: Why have you booked me through Newark? And who in New Jersey has invited me over for Christmas dinner?
Pete: Well, if you'll recall, you booked yourself through Newark. You know I'D never put you on Continental. And there are snowstorms scheduled for Newark.
A-L: I know, it was another rookie move booking a return flight through Newark in December. I'm sure it'll be fine though.
Pete: Did Irma tell you you only have an hour to change flights? She's worried you'll end up staying in New Jersey.
A-L: Forever? Do we have any cousins there?
Pete: Let me check. Hang on, Irma wants to speak to you.
Irma: Hi, A-L. Have you seen the news? They're expecting snowstorms in New Jersey right when you're landing. And you only have an hour to change planes. I hope you make it home for Christmas. It would be terrible if you got stuck in New Jersey.
Pete: Can you fit a snowsuit in your carry-on luggage?
A-L: Who is this?
Pete: It's your mother's boyfriend, the grandfather of the butternut squash.
A-L: Oh, my travel agent. How are ya, Pete?
Pete: Good, but answer the question. Can you fit a snowsuit in your carry-on luggage?
A-L: For what? Am I doing stand-up in business class?
Pete: No, you might need in it Newark, especially if you're spending Christmas there.
A-L: Why have you booked me through Newark? And who in New Jersey has invited me over for Christmas dinner?
Pete: Well, if you'll recall, you booked yourself through Newark. You know I'D never put you on Continental. And there are snowstorms scheduled for Newark.
A-L: I know, it was another rookie move booking a return flight through Newark in December. I'm sure it'll be fine though.
Pete: Did Irma tell you you only have an hour to change flights? She's worried you'll end up staying in New Jersey.
A-L: Forever? Do we have any cousins there?
Pete: Let me check. Hang on, Irma wants to speak to you.
Irma: Hi, A-L. Have you seen the news? They're expecting snowstorms in New Jersey right when you're landing. And you only have an hour to change planes. I hope you make it home for Christmas. It would be terrible if you got stuck in New Jersey.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Name that Gourd
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I don't think that's technically a pumpkin, or a 'punkin' as Sister Maria called it. It looks a bit more like a butternut squash.Friday, October 19, 2007
More English Lessons
Ted came home from work on Thursday morning (as I was heading to work) in an exceptionally good mood. I thought it was appropriate to bid him farewell with "see you later, alligator", which required a quick game of charades (with my arms playing the role of the alligator's mouth) and a look in the Polish/English dictionary. And then I of course had to introduce the phrase "in a while, crocodile."
We haven't had a chance to practice the exchange, but I'll let you know when Ted's passed the exam. Here's the Answer Key-
A-L: See you later, alligator.
Ted: In a while, crocodile.
We haven't had a chance to practice the exchange, but I'll let you know when Ted's passed the exam. Here's the Answer Key-
A-L: See you later, alligator.
Ted: In a while, crocodile.
Geography
Report from Sister Maria:
This morning in the car on the way to Gloria's, Aila said: "I don't want to go to Spain when I'm 5. I want to go to the big school."
So I responded with "There are big schools in Spain, and besides when we go to Spain we'll be closer to Anna Lisa."
My little geography girl replied: "Anna Lisa lives in Scotland, not Spain!"
I stand corrected.
So I responded with "There are big schools in Spain, and besides when we go to Spain we'll be closer to Anna Lisa."
My little geography girl replied: "Anna Lisa lives in Scotland, not Spain!"
I stand corrected.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Airport Journey
Last Thursday morning I escorted Ted to the airport. He was heading back to Poland for two weeks to visit his wife and kids, and was quite worried about going to the airport alone, and figuring out where to check in, etc.
But I wasn't being totally selfless. I didn't get up an hour early just so I could help Ted, and make sure he got on his flight ok. I was banking on the fact that on the journey between the flat and the airport, he would say something hilarious, like 'grandbrother' or 'sister-in-love' or 'tennis problem'.
No such luck. Ted's English is getting too good. I might have to exchange him. Mr. Squirrel said 'Kitty problem' last night (because he thought Kitty was confused by the fact that he had built a shelf above her litter tray), so I suppose he's thrown his hat in the ring. And as an added bonus, Mrs. Squirrel is a darn good cook.
Ted, redeem yourself.
But I wasn't being totally selfless. I didn't get up an hour early just so I could help Ted, and make sure he got on his flight ok. I was banking on the fact that on the journey between the flat and the airport, he would say something hilarious, like 'grandbrother' or 'sister-in-love' or 'tennis problem'.
No such luck. Ted's English is getting too good. I might have to exchange him. Mr. Squirrel said 'Kitty problem' last night (because he thought Kitty was confused by the fact that he had built a shelf above her litter tray), so I suppose he's thrown his hat in the ring. And as an added bonus, Mrs. Squirrel is a darn good cook.
Ted, redeem yourself.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Mr. & Mrs. Squirrel Come to Town
Flatmate Justyna's parents are here from Poland, for 10 days. They don't really speak English, so we speak the international language of vodka and cured meats. It turns out their last name is Polish for 'squirrel', which is probably why Kitty has adopted Mr. Squirrel as her foster mother.
Conversation, via interpreter Justyna, which took place after I caught Mr. Squirrel feeding Kitty pieces of pork off his plate...
A-L: She's for sale. I have papers to prove she's only had fleas once.
Mr. Squirrel (to Kitty): Oh, you can come back to Poland with me.
(Kitty: I need to be hand-fed cured meat.)
A-L: She doesn't have a passport though.
Mrs. Squirrel: She can be on our family passport. If they question us at the airport, we'll just say "it's two squirrels and a cat."
Two days later, Mrs. Squirrel changes her tune...this time no interpreter was present. A Polski/English dictionary, and lotsa hand signals resulted in this conversation:
Mrs. Squirrel: We saw a sign today, for a missing cat.
A-L: Yeah, I was thinking of copying the layout to make a poster saying I've found a cat.
Mr. Squirrel: The cat on the missing poster looks remarkably like Kitty.
Gordon to A-L: Have you told the Squirrels that Kitty is stolen?
A-L: Pipe down, or you won't get any more speaking lines.
Mrs. Squirrel: By my calculations, that cat is worth 150 GBP.
Gordon to A-L: Mrs. Squirrel just referred to Kitty as 'that cat'.
A-L: I know, she's lovely. Kitty hates her too.
Conversation, via interpreter Justyna, which took place after I caught Mr. Squirrel feeding Kitty pieces of pork off his plate...
A-L: She's for sale. I have papers to prove she's only had fleas once.
Mr. Squirrel (to Kitty): Oh, you can come back to Poland with me.
(Kitty: I need to be hand-fed cured meat.)
A-L: She doesn't have a passport though.
Mrs. Squirrel: She can be on our family passport. If they question us at the airport, we'll just say "it's two squirrels and a cat."
Two days later, Mrs. Squirrel changes her tune...this time no interpreter was present. A Polski/English dictionary, and lotsa hand signals resulted in this conversation:
Mrs. Squirrel: We saw a sign today, for a missing cat.
A-L: Yeah, I was thinking of copying the layout to make a poster saying I've found a cat.
Mr. Squirrel: The cat on the missing poster looks remarkably like Kitty.
Gordon to A-L: Have you told the Squirrels that Kitty is stolen?
A-L: Pipe down, or you won't get any more speaking lines.
Mrs. Squirrel: By my calculations, that cat is worth 150 GBP.
Gordon to A-L: Mrs. Squirrel just referred to Kitty as 'that cat'.
A-L: I know, she's lovely. Kitty hates her too.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Demotion
Telephone conversation with Pete...
Pete: Good morning, Pete Sandstrum
A-L: My name's not Pete Sandstrum. But good morning nonetheless. What's up?
Pete: Not much, just doing some paperwork.
A-L: Is that a code word for spider solitaire?
Pete: Hold on, one my seven phones is ringing.
Telephone conversation in the background...
Pete: Good morning, Pete Sandstrum.
(character off stage)
Pete: Yeah, hold on. I've got somebody on the other line. Let me lose that call.
Pete: Good morning, Pete Sandstrum
A-L: My name's not Pete Sandstrum. But good morning nonetheless. What's up?
Pete: Not much, just doing some paperwork.
A-L: Is that a code word for spider solitaire?
Pete: Hold on, one my seven phones is ringing.
Telephone conversation in the background...
Pete: Good morning, Pete Sandstrum.
(character off stage)
Pete: Yeah, hold on. I've got somebody on the other line. Let me lose that call.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Funftzen Minutes of Fame
Two weeks ago, telephone conversation with Sister Maria...
Maria: I'm so excited, more Germans are coming to the hotel.
A-L: Do you want me to get the heavy artillery?
Maria: What's wrong with you? You've been in Britain too long. Have you forgotten how much we love the Germans? Have you forgotten the wonderful childhood we had in Germany (sponsored by G.E.)?
A-L: No, Maria. Of course not. I still walk up to Germans and thank them for hosting us from 1979-1982, and for manufacturing gorgeous cars, and making kitchen cabinets that work. My new food processor is German. It's a work of art. So who are these Germans?
Maria: They're my colleague's clients. I can't wait to speak German to them. There'll be Germans everywhere at the hotel!
A-L: It's your fondest wish. I'm so jealous. Please tell all of them I say hello. Individually.
One week ago, telephone conversation with Peter:
Peter: Maria's going to be in that German T.V. show.
A-L: Maria who? Schriver?
Peter: No, the other Maria. The baby Irma and I had four years before you. The nice one.
A-L: OUR Maria? What German T.V. show?
Peter: She described it as a German version of The Love Boat. She had a speaking part. In German.
Two days ago, telephone conversation with Sister Maria...
Maria: Ohmigosh. You won't believe it. Remember I told you about the Germans who were descending on the hotel? Well, they were a production company. Filming a German T.V. show "Das Traumschiff", and I started speaking to them in German, and they gave me a very small part in this episode.
A-L: Old news. Peter already told me. But that's very cool.
Maria: I had to interrupt a meeting and say, "Herr Direktor Ludwig, Ich brauche sie dringend!". (Director Ludwig, I need you urgently.) They film the show in exotic locations all over the world, like Botswana, and Sri Lanka, and Indian Wells.
Yesterday, conversation with Ted...
A-L: My sister was an extra on a German T.V. show.
Blank look from Ted.
A-L: My sister works at a hotel, and there were...
Ted (interrupting): Oh, hotel. Very good. Where does your grandbrother work?
Maria: I'm so excited, more Germans are coming to the hotel.
A-L: Do you want me to get the heavy artillery?
Maria: What's wrong with you? You've been in Britain too long. Have you forgotten how much we love the Germans? Have you forgotten the wonderful childhood we had in Germany (sponsored by G.E.)?
A-L: No, Maria. Of course not. I still walk up to Germans and thank them for hosting us from 1979-1982, and for manufacturing gorgeous cars, and making kitchen cabinets that work. My new food processor is German. It's a work of art. So who are these Germans?
Maria: They're my colleague's clients. I can't wait to speak German to them. There'll be Germans everywhere at the hotel!
A-L: It's your fondest wish. I'm so jealous. Please tell all of them I say hello. Individually.
One week ago, telephone conversation with Peter:
Peter: Maria's going to be in that German T.V. show.
A-L: Maria who? Schriver?
Peter: No, the other Maria. The baby Irma and I had four years before you. The nice one.
A-L: OUR Maria? What German T.V. show?
Peter: She described it as a German version of The Love Boat. She had a speaking part. In German.
Two days ago, telephone conversation with Sister Maria...
Maria: Ohmigosh. You won't believe it. Remember I told you about the Germans who were descending on the hotel? Well, they were a production company. Filming a German T.V. show "Das Traumschiff", and I started speaking to them in German, and they gave me a very small part in this episode.
A-L: Old news. Peter already told me. But that's very cool.
Maria: I had to interrupt a meeting and say, "Herr Direktor Ludwig, Ich brauche sie dringend!". (Director Ludwig, I need you urgently.) They film the show in exotic locations all over the world, like Botswana, and Sri Lanka, and Indian Wells.
Yesterday, conversation with Ted...
A-L: My sister was an extra on a German T.V. show.
Blank look from Ted.
A-L: My sister works at a hotel, and there were...
Ted (interrupting): Oh, hotel. Very good. Where does your grandbrother work?
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Broken Ted
Outside the flat, Friday evening, after walking home from work I see Ted at the front door, struggling with the key...
A-L: Hi Ted. Are you ok? Why are you having trouble opening the door?
Ted (if he could speak fluent English): I have a gaping wound on my left thumb because the glass panelled door to my bedroom came off its tracks and fell towards me and sliced my thumb open.
Ted: Nothing. I am ok.
A-L: Ted, there's blood everywhere. Your thumb looks awful. We're going to the hospital.
Ted: No.
A-L: Yes, we're going to the hospital.
Ted: NO!
A-L: Umm, I'm in charge of you. Your mom said so. It's not your decision. We're going to the hospital. And, you're getting blood everywhere. Don't get blood on Kitty. She's Dry Clean Only.
Ted: No.
A-L: Ten minutes. Give me ten minutes and I'll be ready to go.
Ted: No.
Justyna and Chris (whose Polish name I can't spell) walk in. Justyna had been looking for Ted, who fled the scene when there were threats of going to the hospital. Chris had bandages with him.
Half an hour later, at Western General Hospital...
Paramedic: Hello, please come this way.
Chris, Ted and I walk over.
Paramedic: Um, do I need all three of you?
A-L: Yes. Ted doesn't speak English fluently, so Chris can translate into Polish, and I'm in charge.
Paramedic (to Ted): Where did this happen?
Ted: Polish.
Raucous laughter from Chris and A-L.
A-L: At our flat.
Paramedic (still making eye contact only with Ted): Are you allergic to any medication?
Ted: 32 years old.
More raucous laughter.
Chris translates, and it turns out Ted's severely allergic to bees. Or wasps. Which aren't strictly a 'medication' as such, but it's handy to know.
Two x-rays later, the verdict is there's no glass embedded in his hand. And then we all get a lesson in tendons (Ted's might be 'nicked', to quote the paramedic), and find out we have to go to the Royal Infirmary, where a hand specialist can look at it.
Chris explains this to Ted, who doesn't want to go to the Royal Infirmary. He doesn't want stitches. He doesn't want to miss work. Ted's on a temporary contract, and doesn't get paid for sick leave. We tell the paramedic that Ted is refusing. So he brings out a book that shows the tendon. And then tells us he's booked a taxi to take us there. The NHS is paying for the taxi. Chris tells Ted this news. And suddenly, Ted's fine with having to go to the Royal Infirmary.
Ted: Taxi, free?
More raucous laughter.
The waiting room at Accident & Emergency at the Royal Infirmary is full. Good thing I brought magazines. And an apple, which the three of us share. Two hours later, Dr. Zoe calls us through. Which leads to more explanations about why Ted has two 'minders' with him: Chris, who can helpfully translate into Polish, and then back to English, and A-L, who can loudly repeat what Dr. Zoe and/or Chris said.
Dr. Z numbs Ted's thumb, digs around a bit, and then calls for a second opinion from another doctor (who subsequently poked himself in the thumb with a needle, "for the first time in my career" - not while tending to Ted - but that's a whole new post), and then another doctor. They decide someone from 'ortho' needs to look at it. Or someone from 'plastics'. So Dr. Z walks out of the room.
Ted: Can we go?
More raucous laughter.
A-L: Ted, one more doctor.
So I divide my time eavesdropping on the 'situation' in the partition to the left of Ted's, where two policeman are questioning a man; the partition on the right of Ted's, where a girl with a 'strained muscle' is wasting the doctor's time, the NHS's money, and depriving someone who's really hurt of a room, because she wants crutches (she ends up being able to walk out of the hospital, unaided); and the doctor's station across from Ted, where the fumbly doctor who accidentally anesthetized his own thumb is on the phone explaining what happened.
And then Dr. Z reappears, doesn't mention the doctor from 'ortho' or 'plastics' who never showed up, and sets about fixing Ted's hand.
Three taxi rides, one apple, two magazines, two x-rays, four medical personnel (one now with a numb thumb), and nine stitches later, we're back at home. And this morning, Ted got up and went to work.
A-L: Hi Ted. Are you ok? Why are you having trouble opening the door?
Ted (if he could speak fluent English): I have a gaping wound on my left thumb because the glass panelled door to my bedroom came off its tracks and fell towards me and sliced my thumb open.
Ted: Nothing. I am ok.
A-L: Ted, there's blood everywhere. Your thumb looks awful. We're going to the hospital.
Ted: No.
A-L: Yes, we're going to the hospital.
Ted: NO!
A-L: Umm, I'm in charge of you. Your mom said so. It's not your decision. We're going to the hospital. And, you're getting blood everywhere. Don't get blood on Kitty. She's Dry Clean Only.
Ted: No.
A-L: Ten minutes. Give me ten minutes and I'll be ready to go.
Ted: No.
Justyna and Chris (whose Polish name I can't spell) walk in. Justyna had been looking for Ted, who fled the scene when there were threats of going to the hospital. Chris had bandages with him.
Half an hour later, at Western General Hospital...
Paramedic: Hello, please come this way.
Chris, Ted and I walk over.
Paramedic: Um, do I need all three of you?
A-L: Yes. Ted doesn't speak English fluently, so Chris can translate into Polish, and I'm in charge.
Paramedic (to Ted): Where did this happen?
Ted: Polish.
Raucous laughter from Chris and A-L.
A-L: At our flat.
Paramedic (still making eye contact only with Ted): Are you allergic to any medication?
Ted: 32 years old.
More raucous laughter.
Chris translates, and it turns out Ted's severely allergic to bees. Or wasps. Which aren't strictly a 'medication' as such, but it's handy to know.
Two x-rays later, the verdict is there's no glass embedded in his hand. And then we all get a lesson in tendons (Ted's might be 'nicked', to quote the paramedic), and find out we have to go to the Royal Infirmary, where a hand specialist can look at it.
Chris explains this to Ted, who doesn't want to go to the Royal Infirmary. He doesn't want stitches. He doesn't want to miss work. Ted's on a temporary contract, and doesn't get paid for sick leave. We tell the paramedic that Ted is refusing. So he brings out a book that shows the tendon. And then tells us he's booked a taxi to take us there. The NHS is paying for the taxi. Chris tells Ted this news. And suddenly, Ted's fine with having to go to the Royal Infirmary.
Ted: Taxi, free?
More raucous laughter.
The waiting room at Accident & Emergency at the Royal Infirmary is full. Good thing I brought magazines. And an apple, which the three of us share. Two hours later, Dr. Zoe calls us through. Which leads to more explanations about why Ted has two 'minders' with him: Chris, who can helpfully translate into Polish, and then back to English, and A-L, who can loudly repeat what Dr. Zoe and/or Chris said.
Dr. Z numbs Ted's thumb, digs around a bit, and then calls for a second opinion from another doctor (who subsequently poked himself in the thumb with a needle, "for the first time in my career" - not while tending to Ted - but that's a whole new post), and then another doctor. They decide someone from 'ortho' needs to look at it. Or someone from 'plastics'. So Dr. Z walks out of the room.
Ted: Can we go?
More raucous laughter.
A-L: Ted, one more doctor.
So I divide my time eavesdropping on the 'situation' in the partition to the left of Ted's, where two policeman are questioning a man; the partition on the right of Ted's, where a girl with a 'strained muscle' is wasting the doctor's time, the NHS's money, and depriving someone who's really hurt of a room, because she wants crutches (she ends up being able to walk out of the hospital, unaided); and the doctor's station across from Ted, where the fumbly doctor who accidentally anesthetized his own thumb is on the phone explaining what happened.
And then Dr. Z reappears, doesn't mention the doctor from 'ortho' or 'plastics' who never showed up, and sets about fixing Ted's hand.
Three taxi rides, one apple, two magazines, two x-rays, four medical personnel (one now with a numb thumb), and nine stitches later, we're back at home. And this morning, Ted got up and went to work.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
4 years old
Tomorrow is Aila's 4th birthday. In the immortal words of Sara Checkal, "can you even??" No. I can't.
A-L: Pete, can you believe Aila is going to be four years old?
Pete: Yes.
A-L: No, but can you believe it?? I mean, the time has flown by. She's been with us for four years. Can you believe it?
Pete: Yes. She was born in 2003. It's 2007.
A-L: No, you're not understanding. I know the numbers add up, it's just that I can't believe she's four already. She's a little girl.
Pete: Do you remember where you were on your fourth birthday?
A-L: Presumably with you and Irma and Maria?
Pete: Yes, but in which city?
A-L: Is it north and west of Walla Walla? It's not Othello, is it?
Pete: No, it's east, and slightly north of Walla Walla. (editor's note: I checked the latitude)
A-L: Do you have a cousin who lives there?
Pete: No.
A-L: That narrows it down. Give me a hint.
Pete: We were in Liege, Belgium, at the Holiday Inn. But it was a nice Holiday Inn.
A-L: That was my fifth birthday. I've always told people that I turned five in Beligum.
Pete: Nope, it was your fourth birthday. And how do you manage to slip that into conversation? "Oh, you're going to Dublin? Well, I turned four in Belgium."
A-L: Five. I turned five in Belgium. Where's Irma? She can verify.
Pete: I don't need Irma to verify this. I was there. I know how old you were. I was one of the people in charge of you at that time. And Irma's not here. Gosh, I can't believe it was so long ago. It seems like yesterday you were four years old.
A-L: It wasn't yesterday. It was 1980, when I turned five in Liege, and now it's 2007. It all adds up.
Pete: Happy Birthday Aila.
A-L: Pete, can you believe Aila is going to be four years old?
Pete: Yes.
A-L: No, but can you believe it?? I mean, the time has flown by. She's been with us for four years. Can you believe it?
Pete: Yes. She was born in 2003. It's 2007.
A-L: No, you're not understanding. I know the numbers add up, it's just that I can't believe she's four already. She's a little girl.
Pete: Do you remember where you were on your fourth birthday?
A-L: Presumably with you and Irma and Maria?
Pete: Yes, but in which city?
A-L: Is it north and west of Walla Walla? It's not Othello, is it?
Pete: No, it's east, and slightly north of Walla Walla. (editor's note: I checked the latitude)
A-L: Do you have a cousin who lives there?
Pete: No.
A-L: That narrows it down. Give me a hint.
Pete: We were in Liege, Belgium, at the Holiday Inn. But it was a nice Holiday Inn.
A-L: That was my fifth birthday. I've always told people that I turned five in Beligum.
Pete: Nope, it was your fourth birthday. And how do you manage to slip that into conversation? "Oh, you're going to Dublin? Well, I turned four in Belgium."
A-L: Five. I turned five in Belgium. Where's Irma? She can verify.
Pete: I don't need Irma to verify this. I was there. I know how old you were. I was one of the people in charge of you at that time. And Irma's not here. Gosh, I can't believe it was so long ago. It seems like yesterday you were four years old.
A-L: It wasn't yesterday. It was 1980, when I turned five in Liege, and now it's 2007. It all adds up.
Pete: Happy Birthday Aila.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Delivery
Ted: Hello?
A-L: Hi Ted. I'm having a mattress delivered to the flat. Will you please answer the door when the delivery man rings the bell?
Ted: What?
A-L: Mattress. Man will come to the door. (And then I made a buzzing noise to signify the, uh, door buzzer.) Please say, 'ok, come in.' Is that ok?
Ted: Matches?
A-L: Yes. I'm having matches delivered. It's a niche market, but I'm the niche. Will you help the man carry all of the matches up the stairs, one by one? No. It's a new bed. Will you open the door?
Ted: New bed? Ohhhh! Ok.
And then he hung up on me.
A-L: Hi Ted. I'm having a mattress delivered to the flat. Will you please answer the door when the delivery man rings the bell?
Ted: What?
A-L: Mattress. Man will come to the door. (And then I made a buzzing noise to signify the, uh, door buzzer.) Please say, 'ok, come in.' Is that ok?
Ted: Matches?
A-L: Yes. I'm having matches delivered. It's a niche market, but I'm the niche. Will you help the man carry all of the matches up the stairs, one by one? No. It's a new bed. Will you open the door?
Ted: New bed? Ohhhh! Ok.
And then he hung up on me.
Guess
Telephone conversation with Pete two days ago...
Pete: You'll never guess where my company is installing a machine.
A-L: You're probably right. Give me a hint. Is it in the U.S.?
Pete: Yes. And I have a cousin who lives there.
A-L: You have 48 cousins. Umm, Yuba City?
Pete: Tipton lives in Live Oak, not Yuba City. And no, that's not the answer. Farther north. Way farther north.
A-L: Walla Walla?
Pete: No. And I don't think I have any cousins who live in Walla Walla proper. North and west of Walla Walla.
A-L: Spokane?
Pete: That's northeast of Walla Walla. What's wrong with you?
A-L: Umm, Olympia?
Pete: No.
A-L: That's a shame, because Cousin Danny has a boat.
Pete: It's between Olympia and Spokane.
A-L: Othello!
Pete: Yup.
A-L: Have you told Cousin Darla??
Pete: No. Not yet. But I probably won't go there, now that I'm doing a new job at the company. And they're not installing the machine for ages.
A-L: Well, that was a great game.
Pete: You'll never guess where my company is installing a machine.
A-L: You're probably right. Give me a hint. Is it in the U.S.?
Pete: Yes. And I have a cousin who lives there.
A-L: You have 48 cousins. Umm, Yuba City?
Pete: Tipton lives in Live Oak, not Yuba City. And no, that's not the answer. Farther north. Way farther north.
A-L: Walla Walla?
Pete: No. And I don't think I have any cousins who live in Walla Walla proper. North and west of Walla Walla.
A-L: Spokane?
Pete: That's northeast of Walla Walla. What's wrong with you?
A-L: Umm, Olympia?
Pete: No.
A-L: That's a shame, because Cousin Danny has a boat.
Pete: It's between Olympia and Spokane.
A-L: Othello!
Pete: Yup.
A-L: Have you told Cousin Darla??
Pete: No. Not yet. But I probably won't go there, now that I'm doing a new job at the company. And they're not installing the machine for ages.
A-L: Well, that was a great game.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Credit or Debit?
Last weekend Annais was at the Ventura County Fair with Maria, Aila, Pete and Irma. This is her first pony ride. If you look at the pixilated close-up (left) you can see what looks like a credit card in her pocket. What up with that??
Glowbot Kitty
This photo has not been altered. This is Kitty as seen through the lens of Sara's digital camera.Cat for sale.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Smelly Cat or Scented Kitty
Ted bought an automated air freshener dispenser that looks remarkably like a piece of internet-related equipment, maybe, which is why I didn't realise what it was until it sprayed into my face/mouth. This dispenser (which sprays every 18 minutes) sits on a little shelf in our hallway above the chair that Kitty often sleeps in. So she smells like faux flower mountain fresh air now.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Psychoanalysis
Maria overheard Aila playing with some little wooden animals. The giraffe was the bad guy. He locked the lion, zebra and elephant in the dungeon (a Kleenex box), and then Maria heard the giraffe say, "Ok, now I'm going to pay some bills."
Maria: Do I represent the evil, bill-paying giraffe in this scenario??
A-L: No, you're totally one of their horses. The mother horse. The one that's Aila's favourite.
Maria: You mean the old grey mare? What are you trying to say?
A-L: No, no, the black beauty. The mother horse. And if it's any consolation, I think I'm the doll that sleeps by the handbags.
Maria: Do I represent the evil, bill-paying giraffe in this scenario??
A-L: No, you're totally one of their horses. The mother horse. The one that's Aila's favourite.
Maria: You mean the old grey mare? What are you trying to say?
A-L: No, no, the black beauty. The mother horse. And if it's any consolation, I think I'm the doll that sleeps by the handbags.
Fun With English
The other morning I heard Ted and Justyna having what seemed like a very serious conversation. It was 8:30 a.m., and Justyna was half asleep, so I interrupted...
A-L: Are you ok?
Ted: tennis problem
A-L: Whuh? Tennis problem?? I don't understand.
And then Ted mimed a gentle back-hand over the imaginary net in Justyna's room. Can you get tennis elbow working at the Sheraton? Did he not qualify for Wimbledon? Did he lose his sweatbands? What possible "tennis problem" could Ted have?
Ted: Ping-pong table. Problem.
Turns out he ordered a ping-pong table for his kids, Angela and Patrick, from the Polish equivalent of eBay, and they weren't going to allow Ted to pay on delivery. Tennis problem.
A-L: Are you ok?
Ted: tennis problem
A-L: Whuh? Tennis problem?? I don't understand.
And then Ted mimed a gentle back-hand over the imaginary net in Justyna's room. Can you get tennis elbow working at the Sheraton? Did he not qualify for Wimbledon? Did he lose his sweatbands? What possible "tennis problem" could Ted have?
Ted: Ping-pong table. Problem.
Turns out he ordered a ping-pong table for his kids, Angela and Patrick, from the Polish equivalent of eBay, and they weren't going to allow Ted to pay on delivery. Tennis problem.
Checkal-Ecker
Dear Sara and Brad,Many, many congratulations on your engagement. Will you hyphenate, Sara Checkal-Ecker? Or, will you create a new lastname, Brad Checkaler?
Happy Happy Day.
Much love from Edinburgh.
Monday, June 25, 2007
O'Dark Thirty
A-L: Peter, would you mind using the voucher I have to book me a flight from LA to Portland?
Peter: No problem. When do you want to fly?
A-L: Friday morning, returning Monday morning.
Later...
Peter: I got your flights booked. You leave Oxnard at 5:30am on Friday.
A-L: Umm, isn't that technically still Thursday night?
Irma: Oh, it's fine. I take your father to the airport all the time for that early flight.
A-L: Is he in his pajamas? Do you dress him while he's asleep in his car seat?
Irma: I can put your coffee in a bottle.
Peter: Your flight lands in Portland at 9:00am.
A-L: Is the Portland airport open that early? Will this give me jet lag?
Later...
Irma: What time do you want your father to wake you up tomorrow morning?
A-L: I'm 32. I might be able to set an alarm for myself, but if a wake-up call is included in the package deal, have Peter wake me at 4:30.
Peter: 4:30? We need to be leaving at 4:30.
A-L: Don't start this again.
Peter: How long does it take you to get ready?
A-L: At that time of night, about 17 minutes.
Peter: I'll wake you at 4:00.
A-L: Or you could wake me at 17 minutes before 4:30, whatever time that is.
Later, in the car on the way to the airport, somehow the topic of conversation drifted to the Vietnam War...and this is all I remember
Peter: LBJ micro-managed the Vietnam War.
There you have it.
Peter: No problem. When do you want to fly?
A-L: Friday morning, returning Monday morning.
Later...
Peter: I got your flights booked. You leave Oxnard at 5:30am on Friday.
A-L: Umm, isn't that technically still Thursday night?
Irma: Oh, it's fine. I take your father to the airport all the time for that early flight.
A-L: Is he in his pajamas? Do you dress him while he's asleep in his car seat?
Irma: I can put your coffee in a bottle.
Peter: Your flight lands in Portland at 9:00am.
A-L: Is the Portland airport open that early? Will this give me jet lag?
Later...
Irma: What time do you want your father to wake you up tomorrow morning?
A-L: I'm 32. I might be able to set an alarm for myself, but if a wake-up call is included in the package deal, have Peter wake me at 4:30.
Peter: 4:30? We need to be leaving at 4:30.
A-L: Don't start this again.
Peter: How long does it take you to get ready?
A-L: At that time of night, about 17 minutes.
Peter: I'll wake you at 4:00.
A-L: Or you could wake me at 17 minutes before 4:30, whatever time that is.
Later, in the car on the way to the airport, somehow the topic of conversation drifted to the Vietnam War...and this is all I remember
Peter: LBJ micro-managed the Vietnam War.
There you have it.
Trump Card
My sister overheard Aila and Annais playing dolls. This is what went down:
Aila's Doll: Ok, I'm Mom AND Gloria. (Gloria is their babysitter.)
Annais's Doll: Ok, I'm Daddy.
Game over.
Aila's Doll: Ok, I'm Mom AND Gloria. (Gloria is their babysitter.)
Annais's Doll: Ok, I'm Daddy.
Game over.
Monday, May 14, 2007
E-mail from Maria
Subject line: Conversation in the car last night
Aila: "Mommy, what is the name of the little monkey that hangs on the giraffe?"
Mommy (aka Maria): "I don't know baby, what is it called?"
Aila: "It has a really long tail and it's really small."
Mommy: "I'm sorry Aila, I don't know its name."
Aila: (matter-of-factly) "Oh, its the Pygmy Marmoset."
Mommy & Daddy, beaming with pride, burst out laughing because neither of us knows what that is!!!
I Googled it this morning to find out that it is indeed very small (the smallest primate) and it does have a very long tail.
Mommy & Daddy talking with each other...
Aila: "Mommy, what is the name of the little monkey that hangs on the giraffe?"
Mommy (aka Maria): "I don't know baby, what is it called?"
Aila: "It has a really long tail and it's really small."
Mommy: "I'm sorry Aila, I don't know its name."
Aila: (matter-of-factly) "Oh, its the Pygmy Marmoset."
Mommy & Daddy, beaming with pride, burst out laughing because neither of us knows what that is!!!
I Googled it this morning to find out that it is indeed very small (the smallest primate) and it does have a very long tail.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Arts & Krauts
A-L: Hi Aila, what are you doing?
Aila: Arts and krauts. I'm colouring.
Maria: Whenever she says 'arts and krauts' I picture a bunch of German soldiers wearing those Kaiser Wilhelm hats, sitting around a table colouring.
Aila: Arts and krauts. I'm colouring.
Maria: Whenever she says 'arts and krauts' I picture a bunch of German soldiers wearing those Kaiser Wilhelm hats, sitting around a table colouring.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Story Time (with Aila)
I was reading a book to Annais, and Aila was playing nearby.
A-L, pointing to a bird/parrot in the book: What's this, Annais?
Annais: Bird.
A-L: Very good. It's a bird. It's called a parrot.
Annais: Parrot.
This is what really happened:
A-L: What's this, Annais?
Radio silence from Annais.
A-L: What is it Annais? Is it a bird?
Aila: Oh, that's a scarlet macaw. It's one of my favourite birds.
Radio silence from Anna-Lisa.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Confrontation
A-L: I have a question. Actually my friend Caroline wants me to ask you something.Ted: What?
A-L: Are you really David Coverdale, of Whitesnake fame?
Ted: Yeah, that's actually why Paul moved out. He hates Whitesnake.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Moveable Airports
4 days ago...
Pete: I see you've booked yourself another round of rookie flights back to Edinburgh.
A-L: No, it's fine. I have a friend in Cincinnati who might come see me at the airport, and I'm hoping to meet Dawn in Paris for a coffee before my flight to Edinburgh.
Pete: I hope your 'friend' in Cincinnati likes Kentucky, because that's where the airport is.
A-L: Shirley, you jest.
Pete: The Cincinnati airport is in Northern Kentucky. Look it up. But it's just across the river.
A-L: What river? So where was WKRP?
Pete: And I don't think it's a good idea to leave the airport in Paris. It'll take you longer than you think to get into town, and you'll have a heckuva time going back through security.
A-L: It's amazing that I survive alone in Scotland.
Pete: Your mother prays A LOT.
A-L: So are you taking me to the airport?
Pete: Yeah, I'm going to East Texas for work.
4:30 a.m. the morning of departure...
Irma: Your father has to repack his suitcase. He forgot it was winter in East Texas.
A-L: What season did he think it was? Does this mean I have to wait for him to execute a complete wardrobe change? Does he know Colorado just got hit by another blizzard? I heard they're airlifting food to cattle stranded in the snow. And Pete's packed linen trousers?
Pete (shouts from the other room): I'm not going to Colorado. I'm going to East Texas. Oklahoma protects it from Colorado.
At the airport...
After security, I realise I left my winter coat in the rental car that my dad was going to turn in. I make my way to the gate, then consider calling my dad's cell phone from the pay phone, and decide just to head to the lounge.
Lady at the desk, after I show my boarding pass: Your dad is looking for you. He has your coat. He's waiting downstairs for you.
So I go back to the front, and find my dad, who says someone took my coat to the gate.
A-L (sheepishly): Thanks.
So I go back through security, and to the gate, and retrieve my coat. Then back to the lounge.
Lady at the desk: Oh good, you got your coat.
A-L: Yeah, I wonder why my parents treat me like I'm 11 years old, and then I leave my coat in the rental car.
Lady at the desk: Oh, I bet your mom prays for you, a lot.
Pete: I see you've booked yourself another round of rookie flights back to Edinburgh.
A-L: No, it's fine. I have a friend in Cincinnati who might come see me at the airport, and I'm hoping to meet Dawn in Paris for a coffee before my flight to Edinburgh.
Pete: I hope your 'friend' in Cincinnati likes Kentucky, because that's where the airport is.
A-L: Shirley, you jest.
Pete: The Cincinnati airport is in Northern Kentucky. Look it up. But it's just across the river.
A-L: What river? So where was WKRP?
Pete: And I don't think it's a good idea to leave the airport in Paris. It'll take you longer than you think to get into town, and you'll have a heckuva time going back through security.
A-L: It's amazing that I survive alone in Scotland.
Pete: Your mother prays A LOT.
A-L: So are you taking me to the airport?
Pete: Yeah, I'm going to East Texas for work.
4:30 a.m. the morning of departure...
Irma: Your father has to repack his suitcase. He forgot it was winter in East Texas.
A-L: What season did he think it was? Does this mean I have to wait for him to execute a complete wardrobe change? Does he know Colorado just got hit by another blizzard? I heard they're airlifting food to cattle stranded in the snow. And Pete's packed linen trousers?
Pete (shouts from the other room): I'm not going to Colorado. I'm going to East Texas. Oklahoma protects it from Colorado.
At the airport...
After security, I realise I left my winter coat in the rental car that my dad was going to turn in. I make my way to the gate, then consider calling my dad's cell phone from the pay phone, and decide just to head to the lounge.
Lady at the desk, after I show my boarding pass: Your dad is looking for you. He has your coat. He's waiting downstairs for you.
So I go back to the front, and find my dad, who says someone took my coat to the gate.
A-L (sheepishly): Thanks.
So I go back through security, and to the gate, and retrieve my coat. Then back to the lounge.
Lady at the desk: Oh good, you got your coat.
A-L: Yeah, I wonder why my parents treat me like I'm 11 years old, and then I leave my coat in the rental car.
Lady at the desk: Oh, I bet your mom prays for you, a lot.
Just like the stigmata
There, in the mirror, between Dawn's two heads, appears Paul Auster. For his fans, it will be crystal clear that it's the man himself.
Emir
I met Emir in Cincinnati, waiting for the flight to Paris. He's 14 years old, and was travelling from Portland, Oregon with his uncle, going back home to Istanbul.
Emir and his uncle bickered like brothers. But in a kind-hearted way. Mostly about semantics.
Emir told me a joke. The punchline was "because he was looking for Pooh."
I told Emir a riddle. And after 20 seconds he asked "What would the answer be?" More arguing about semantics.
And when Emir's uncle went to charge his mobile phone, Emir left him a note saying he had gone to meet a friend in Cincinnati and wasn't travelling back to Turkey with him. I wish I'd taken that note.
"You fell for it," he told his uncle.
"No, I didn't," his uncle said.
(Replay above dialogue 10 times.)
Emir showed me all 178 photos on his phone. Most were of his dogs, and a school trip to Helsinki, for a softball tournament.
And then Emir asked me about the Napa Valley. And after a visit to the buffet, he held up a fork with a grape on the middle tine and said, "THIS is why we want to go to California."
And then Emir was concerned that the Frankfurt flight which was leaving at the same time as our flight was boarding first. He wanted to know why. And kept asking why? why? why?
So I told him it's because the Germans are very organised, and before I could say more he said, "We're German."
"Gut, dann können wir Deutsch sprechen," I replied.
"Oops, we're not German," he said.
And then he asked me what my dad does for a living. I told Emir he owns the Cincinnati airport.
No, actually, he installs and fixes medical equipment.
"With a screwdriver?"
"Yes, and nothing else."
I wish I could write about Emir more eloquently. He was so kind and smart and mischevious, and more polite than any other 14-year-old. And he made the 5-hour layover in Cincinnati fly by.
Emir and his uncle bickered like brothers. But in a kind-hearted way. Mostly about semantics.
Emir told me a joke. The punchline was "because he was looking for Pooh."
I told Emir a riddle. And after 20 seconds he asked "What would the answer be?" More arguing about semantics.
And when Emir's uncle went to charge his mobile phone, Emir left him a note saying he had gone to meet a friend in Cincinnati and wasn't travelling back to Turkey with him. I wish I'd taken that note.
"You fell for it," he told his uncle.
"No, I didn't," his uncle said.
(Replay above dialogue 10 times.)
Emir showed me all 178 photos on his phone. Most were of his dogs, and a school trip to Helsinki, for a softball tournament.
And then Emir asked me about the Napa Valley. And after a visit to the buffet, he held up a fork with a grape on the middle tine and said, "THIS is why we want to go to California."
And then Emir was concerned that the Frankfurt flight which was leaving at the same time as our flight was boarding first. He wanted to know why. And kept asking why? why? why?
So I told him it's because the Germans are very organised, and before I could say more he said, "We're German."
"Gut, dann können wir Deutsch sprechen," I replied.
"Oops, we're not German," he said.
And then he asked me what my dad does for a living. I told Emir he owns the Cincinnati airport.
No, actually, he installs and fixes medical equipment.
"With a screwdriver?"
"Yes, and nothing else."
I wish I could write about Emir more eloquently. He was so kind and smart and mischevious, and more polite than any other 14-year-old. And he made the 5-hour layover in Cincinnati fly by.
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