My Niece, the Genius

It's official, my niece, Aila, who is 15 months, 18 days old, is a genius. My mom has confirmed this. Apparently my mom was counting in Finnish and Aila repeated the numbers, in Finnish. Stop the presses: "Genius Baby Counts To Three, in Finno-Uric Language"

A Thousand Apologies

Dear Fans,

I've been busy. Work is hectic. And the Christmas season just places so many demands on you, socially, emotionally, financially, and, frankly, artistically. As Britney Spears once said, it's the 'hecticity' that really gets you.

Love,
The Artist

Some Hot Music

Below are some of the bands that EVERYBODY in the UK is listening to:

Franz Ferdinand
Scissor Sisters
Snow Patrol
Postal Service
Biffy Clyro
Kasabian
The Libertines

Just in case you were wondering...

The Perfect Present for the Reader

If you are a lover of Brits, and their humour (notice the 'u'), and fancy a wee tale about a Brit's misadventures in the U.S., may I recommend Toby Young's How To Lose Friends & Alienate People. True story. Hilarious. 'T'would make a great Christmas gift for that hard-to-buy-for-reader-who-likes-funny-memoirs-and-stories-of-British-and-American-culture-clashing.

(Mr. Paul Rollo, I'll save you the trouble of pointing out that 'American culture' is an oxymoron, to the Brits...who are too busy deep-frying 'cuisine')

The Return of the Scottish Weather

So we have had a lovely and mild Autumn here in Edinburgh. Today the Scottish weather has returned. It's wet and cold and windy. Some places can be like a wind tunnel. My co-worker Gillian told me that she had a friend at University who was very short and thin, and when it was windy in Glasgow she said she had to wear heavy shoes.

The Pressure of Hilarity

I feel extreme pressure to be hilarious every time I post to this blog. Therefore I haven't been posting lately. Frankly, I don't have anything hilarious to say. Or anything even remotely funny. Not that I'm sad, it's just that nothing uber-funny has happened.

I've always wanted my own humor column, and in a sense a blog is just that. And I've buckled under the pressure. I can't write a weekly column, let alone a daily one. How DID Erma Bombeck manage?

And the fact that *everyone* can read this kinda sometimes takes the fun out of writing. Because I have to censor what I write. For example, I can't write a poem about cats, because I might lose all my friends.

You know what I say to that?

Meow.

Finland Finland Finland

Happy Belated Birthday to Finland, who turned 87 on December 6.

This is what the CIA has to say about Finland.

Sandstrums Hit it Rich

I received this e-mail today:

Dear Sandstrum

It is my pleasure contacting you now, as I have longed to get in touch with anybody who knew Mr.Wilson Sandstrum, I am William Glashow (Esq.) United State citizen and the personal attorney to Wilson Sandstrum, who perished along with his family on the 01 FEB 1997 in a plane crash, the aircraft name is Hawker Saddled HS-748-353 Srs.2A.This crash happened in Tambacounda(Senegal) in Africa, and the registration number of the Aircraft is6AV-AEO.

My client had deposited about six Million, US. Dollars (6Million US Dollars)at the: STANDRAD TRUST BANK PLC, in west Africa, while working with an Oil Firm development center in west Africa as the head engineer. Since then, there had not been any trace of claim from any person, as the fund remains dormant in his account with the security company.

Although, I kept this information secret within my jurisdiction to enable me put claims and transfer the said amount through a trustworthy friend overseas whom I shall present to the bank as the bonfire next-of-kin to the deceased for a Profitable and successful project. Ever since I have been trying to locate the next of kin or any of the relatives to come forward and make this Claim, but to no avail. Please, if you are related to my client in any way or you know my client's actual relatives, re-contact me, so that
I can link them up to make the claim. But if you cannot contact them, you can come up and make the claim, because I do not want the money to be forfeited, as I expect to benefit from the Money also. Do consider this and get back to me. Thanks for your co-operation. Reply to my alternative email: (jayhg@mail2layer.com)

Sincerely.

William Glashow (Esq.).

PRINCIPAL ATTORNEY

LEVAN ASSOCIATES.


Here is my reply:

Dear Glashow,

First of all, no one addresses me as "Sandstrum". But I was hooked when I read that you have "longed to get in touch with" me. (I'll overlook the fact that the next word in that sentence was "anybody".)

Let me tell you why it's been so hard for you to locate any "bonfire next-of-kin": frankly, no one could stand old Uncle Wilson. As my dad would say, "he was a drunk." He'd show up for Thanksgiving, eat us out of house and home, tease the dog, steal the latest issue of Reader's Digest, break a lamp in the guest bedroom, and then head off again, presumably to Timbuktu.

Totally off the subject, I was confused by your phrase: "My client had deposited about six Million, US. Dollars (6Million US Dollars)." For clarity, I suggest you uncapitalize "Million" and practice consistency when punctuating "US". This sentence would read much better if it were written: "My client had deposited about six million dollars U.S. (US$6,000,000)."

And if there's a subject and verb in this incomplete run-on sentence, I'll be damned if I can find it: "Although, I kept this information secret within my jurisdiction to enable me put claims and transfer the said amount through a trustworthy friend overseas whom I shall present to the bank as the bonfire next-of-kin to the deceased for a Profitable and successful project."

So, just send us a cheque.

Sandstrum.

This is for my friend Johanna

She loves bubblewrap. Pop some here.

For a Laugh

See: Cat and dog sweaters

I read it in The Scotsman

From everyone's favourite newspaper, The Scotman, comes this headline:

Why festive shopping after 12:30 today equals trouble
Expert works out the exact moment it’s no longer fun to go hunting for those presents

To Do: Take Jewish Friends Off Christmas Card List

see above

Paris Hilton Trashes Paris Hilton

Didn't happen. But wouldn't it be great if Ms Paris Hilton stayed at the Hilton, in um, Paris, and then trashed it? More untrue headlines to come.

British Government Steals Passports

Not really, but I thought it would make a great headline.
More sensational headlines to follow.