Happy Birthday Irma Helena

Today is my mom's 65th birthday. For the occasion, I wrote a song. It's called, "Happy Birthday", and it's sung to the tune of "Happy Birthday." Twice.

Are You Voting for the Redskins?

Harness the power of the Washington Redskins.

Stupid Americans

Tonight at the bus stop there was a Scottish guy and his American girlfriend. I asked her where she was from and she said "Massachusetts." Where am I from? she wanted to know. "Los Angeles," I said, because if I say "California", then the next question is always "where in California?"

"Have you voted?" I asked the very unfriendly American lady.

"No, have you heard what Bush is doing to prevent Americans overseas from voting?" she asked me.

"No," I said to the crazy unfriendly American lady.

"Well, he's done it to me. I have tried to vote three times and haven't been able to. You're supposed to be able to vote online and when I try to vote it says it's not working so I haven't been able to vote."

"Well, I just had my mom mail my ballot to me," I told the crazy unfriendly conspiracy-theory-spreading American lady.

So then the number 27 bus arrived and we boarded. The Scottish man and the American went to the back of the bus. I overheard her say "Los Angeles" and then laugh.

Bitch.

Have You Visited This List?

Sad list.

www.fatcatalley.com

If you like cats, or cartoons, or humor, visit Fat Cat Alley. Click on the litterbox and check out the cartoon Cheap Hotel. It's funny. Alan and Elenor Sheltra, the masters of this web site, have been hosting my cat, Puppy, since August 2003.

Parents

My friend and co-worker Rhona is having surgery on Thursday. Her parents were going to come over to Edinburgh on the weekend to visit her in the hospital. But then they decided that they are coming over on Thursday because they want to be there when she wakes up. Rhona told them that it's ok and they don't have to come over until the weekend, but her mom said they want to be there so she's not scared when she wakes up.

Isn't that sweet? Rhona is 40.

Job Wanted

I'm looking for a job. Here are my qualifications.

Two degrees. (One obtained in Scottish.) Cat-sitting experience. Extensive knowledge of Finnish candy. Culturally sensitivity: I don't tease Germans about the whole Nazi thing. Ability to get along with people who think I'm funny. Exceptional organizational skills admiration.

To be continued.

An Interview

I thought I'd interview myself because no one else will.

Q: When was the last time you ate an avocado?
A: Two days ago. And it was a bad avocado. There's nothing better than a good avocado, but there's also nothing worse than a bad avocado.

Q: Who do you think will win the Presidential Election?
A: Which one?

Q: Don't play dumb.
A: I don't think you can trust a man with two first names. John Kerry will lose.

Q: Where is Osama bin Laden?
A: Crawford, Texas. Or Nashville.

Q: When was the last time you did a cartwheel in public?
A: Three weeks ago.

Q: What was the name of your first pet?
A: Pinky. He was a cat.

Q: Who does your mom swear she saw at the Zurich airport the summer of 2001?
A: One of the 9/11 hijackers.

Q: If you could be a fly on any wall, which would you choose?
A: The Berlin Wall.

Thursday Afternoon

What you folks in America just don't understand is that while it's Thursday afternoon for you, it's Thursday night for me. It has to do with the rotation of the sun around the earth. I've been through Thursday afternoon already. It's like so eight hours ago. I'll tell you what happens on your Thursday afternoon:

At around 4:30 p.m. the bosses and Gillian will leave for Glasgow to attend the launch party for Pretty Wild by Anvar Khan. Then you and Norette will decide that you have to leave at 5:07 p.m. to take the post out. From there on out your Thursday afternoon involves a short bus ride (on the no. 10) and then a stroll down Princes Street. And shopping. Some trying on of ill-fitting trousers is followed by going to Norette's flat and getting rid of the big spider in her hallway whose presence kept her from sleeping last night. What are friends for? I guess you'll find out this afternoon.

Two Bunnies (squared)

Read a great math problem, involving rabbits.

Go Red Sox

What a baseball season to miss.

Go Red Sox.

Presidential Visions

Last night I had a dream that my mom and I were in Florida and we met John Kerry and the Republican Vice Presidential candidate (who was not Cheney) and I told them that my mom called President Bush a 'nit wit' (which she did, last week). My mom was so embarassed and John Kerry laughed.

The Beautiful German Language

In a previous post I mentioned the beauty of the German language. I was going to conduct a world wide survey to find the most beautiful German word in the world. But someone beat me to it. (Visit the article "Word power" on this page.)

My favourite German phrase is 'auf das wiedersehen' which is shortened to 'aufwiedersehen' and is translated as 'good bye.' What it really means is 'upon seeing each other again' or 'to seeing each other again.' Beautiful. Simply beautiful.

Thank you to my friend Paul Scherzinger who forwarded the link to me.

A Pouty EU Passport Photo

Don't smile, the lady told me.

Apparently you're not allowed to smile, or show your teeth, in EU Passport photos because it prevents 'them' from being able to scan your face and determine if you're carrying anthrax.

So now I have my photos for my Finnish passport. Tomorrow I'll head out to the Finnish Consulate to order my passport.

When I get my Finnish passport I have to leave the UK with my American passport, get it stamped that I left, enter another country with my American passport, get it stamped that I entered, and then turn around and come back with my Finnish passport. I love international customs BINGO.

Sunday Best

Do you think more people would go to church if there was karaoke? The acolyte and Mrs. Trahan could do a duet to 'How Great Thou Art'. The rest could sing along, they just wouldn't be miked.

We went to church every Sunday from the time I was 7 until I was about 17. And then for some reason, when my parents were deprived of the joy of waking their daughters up on Sunday mornings, when Maria and I had left the nest, and Pete and Irma just had each other, they stopped going. My mom says she's not going back to Peace Lutheran because the new pastor used to be a mechanic. My parents started going to Peace Lutheran way back in the 70s, when it was just a few Lutheran lambs following Pastor Laatz. Now some auto-mechanic is leading the flock.

A couple years back, on their way to the Christmas Eve candlelight service, my dad almost turned into the parking lot of St. Columba's, the Episcopal church. He was tired, and it's quite reasonable that he would get lost. They've only been going to 71 Loma Drive for 30 years. My mom came home from that service talking not about the miracle of Jesus' birth, or the beautiful service, or the old friends they saw, but laughing about how they almost became Episcopalian.

My goal as a church-going teen was to make my mom laugh out loud in church. For all her Lutheran-Finnish seriousness she was a good sport. She has always been a 'church laugher.' My sister and I used to change the words of the hymn from 'when I fall on my knees with my face to the rising sun, oh Lord have mercy on me' to 'when I fall on my face with my knees to the rising sun.' Irma loved that one.

With the mechanic at the helm, my mom worships at home. She keeps up on the church gossip through Jeff, their life insurance rep. (Apparently the pastor who served Peace Lutheran before the mechanic is no longer a pastor. Controversial.)

I promised I wouldn't tell anyone about the time when my mom was on altar duty and accidentally let the Eternity Candle extinguish. Oops.

Help Wanted: Airport Security Screeners

They're hiring baggage screeners at airports around the country. Read the ad.

Electoral College Map Fun

Boy is this presidential race close. So close. I got my absentee ballot in this morning's mail. The Original Finn mailed it too me. I voted. I'll mail it tomorrow. The American lady who works at the deli by my work told me that she wishes she had mailed her ballot 'registered mail' because she doesn't trust the election officials. She thinks something 'untoward' will occur, and the result will be a Bush victory. Paranoia? Hysteria? I think. I think we need to keep an eye on ourselves.

The Los Angeles Times has an excellent electoral-vote-possible-scenarios map.

Recycling

So my cousin Amy Holloway has located Heather Locklear who I reported 'missing' in yesterday's post. My apologies to anyone who became distressed. Apparently Heather is doing quite well, starring in a 'new show called LAX with the lovely Blair Underwood and it's all about the daily drama and goings on at the LAX airport' writes Amy, University of Portland Class of 2003. (My dad could totally be a highly-paid consultant to that show. With all the travelling he does, my dad's so totally popular at LAX.)

And on a lighter note, I'd like all of you to encourage others to recycle. No joking around here. (or here.)

Being the child of a child of war I was raised reusing wrapping paper and saving sour cream containers (they could be used to confuse the Russians if they ever attacked). I'm all for REDUCING, REUSING and RECYLCLING. My friend Christina's mom signs greeting card very lightly, in pencil, so that the recipient might reuse them.

Here are some totally unrevolutionary tips for recycling:
use both sides of notepaper when taking phone messages
use scrap paper for taking notes
recycle aluminum cans, glass bottles and plasic containers where possible

I read somewhere that with the energy saved by recycling one aluminum can, you can raise a village, or a child, or something. Or maybe light a bulb for an hour. No specifics here, just a little friendly advice. Amy, can you ask Heather to recycle?

Hypochondria and Heather Locklear

Whatever happened to Heather Locklear? She was so totally happenin' in like 1999. She's virtually disappeared. If you see her, let me know.

For those you of you looking for a good recipe for making fake blood (for Halloween costume fun) I'd like to pass on an old Scottish recipe: mix Nescafe instant coffee and ketchup. Instant fun. And blood.

I had a close relative who my mom secretly diagnosed as a hypochondriac, and I'm wondering if it's hereditary. Or perhaps contagious. I used to sit next to Alex when I worked in the Pre-Press department at the Daily News. Alex was convinced he had throat cancer because he had these horrible pains, and difficulty swallowing. He prolonged the drama by scheduling a doctor's appointment for September. It was July when his 'spells' began. By the time the doctor's appointment rolled around, Alex had interviewed morticians and willed away his 1992 Toyota Corolla. The doctor's verdict? Heart burn.

Interviewing Pediatricians

My high school friend Erin is expecting her first baby. But she wasn't expecting so much unsolicited advice from others. Her friend Gretchen, whose name I have changed to protect Melissa's identity, recently had her first baby. How recently? Last week, or so. But she's already an expert. Gretchen asked Erin if she has started interviewing pediatricians.

"Do I have to interview them??" Erin asked me.

Well Erin, since you asked, you're waaaay behind schedule. You should have started interviewing pediatricians at least six months before you got married. That way you could determine if your prospective husband and your pediatrician are compatible. The synergy between the father of the baby and the pediatrician is key to raising a happy and healthy child. If they're not a match, ditch the husband. A good pediatrician is much harder to find.

And don't name your baby without reaching a consensus. You MUST have the baby's name approved by your in-laws, your sister-in-law's boyfriend, your parents' neighbors, and of course me. And my mom. Since you're due in April, you have until January 5th to present us with the shortlist. (Names of Finnish origin will be looked upon favorably.)

Also consider these factors which will affect the health and development of your unborn baby:

1. Hand-me-down maternity clothes. No way. You work in Beverly Hills. A reasonable budget for maternity clothes is $2000. Any less and your baby will know you're cutting corners. (Gretchen spent $3000.)

2. A new car is a must. You're not still driving that Honda, are you? I suggest finding the perfect car seat (to be re-upholstered each season), and then buying the car to match. The car seat will also have to be coordinated with your husband's vehicle. Maybe he should get a new car as well. (Gretchen's husband did.)

3. Vitamins A - Z. I'm sure your OB Gyn will advise you on which vitamins you should take, but I would, at all costs, avoid generic brand prenatal vitamins. Your baby will fail kindergarden if you buy your vitamins at Target.

4. The foods you eat now will determine how much your child loves you. As Gretchen would suggest, organic foods are a must. Avoid the affordable Farmer's Markets that occur in your area. Specialty supermarkets are best. Afterall, it's for your baby.

Good luck. Call my mom if you need any REAL advice.

Stem Cell Research and My Mom

I have a lot on my mind these days. Forefront is the very important decision that I will face in three weeks: should I dress as Rod Stewart or Martina Navratilova for Halloween. The dilemma arises because of one very versatile mullet wig. It belongs to my flatmate Jason. Worn with a tennis skirt, the mullet is very Martina, and I've been told I look like her. On more than one occasion. Unfortunately. In the company of leopard print trousers and a flowy white blouse, the mullet is totally Rod Stewart (who by the way is NOT Scottish, even though he claims to be).

Also on my mind is the upcoming election. I might have mentioned that before. I spoke with my mom last night. She said my absentee ballot is on its way. And then she offered some 'friendly' suggestions on voting on some of the propositions. She briefly explained one proposition that involves Indian gaming. She summed it up with 'and then there will be card rooms everywhere.' The next thing I heard was 'stem cell research' and before she hung up, she whispered, 'and please vote for Elton Gallegly for Congressman.'

This week the Finnish government granted me citizenship. Through my mom. She's Finnish, by the way. In case I haven't mentioned that in this post. The woman from the Finnish Embassy in London called yesterday. She said in a very serious voice, the Finnish government has reviewed your papers and application and they have decided that you, have, because you submitted them, you have been voted ON the island. I mean, she said, you have been given Finnish citizenship. It was so dramatic. It was like she, um, granted me citizenship to her proud little country. Go Finland. No, go to Finland. Go visit. It's beautiful.

Pete "KGB" Sandstrum

Well, well. I thought it was scandalous enough that my parents met in a bar and married in Vegas, but now it turns out my dad was a KGB operative. Or something like it.

We lived in Germany from 1979 to 1982, and my dad "fixed medical equipment." He would leave the house carrying a suitcase, a briefcase, a tool box, and wearing a long, dark winter coat. He would return a couple weeks later with wooden Russian dolls. (The kind where the biggest one houses all the littler ones, almost like she swallowed them.)

The other day my mom dropped into conversation that my dad used to "fix medical equipment" at the KGB Hospital in Moscow. What??? I knew my dad travelled to Russia a lot, but only to retrieve dolls for my sister and me. Turns out he was keeping the KGB officers healthy.

While the rest of the world was waiting in fear for the Russkies to press "the button" and obliterate us all, I was wondering how the littlest doll got in there. And by the way, the Russians didn't have a thing on us. My dad used to bring them basic supplies. He once brought them a coffee machine, which the doctors had never seen before.

Looking back, I think it was wise of my parents not to tell me, as a five-year-old, that my dad was working at the KGB Hospital. That's just the sort of thing I would have told everyone on the plane, which is the 1980 equivalent of posting it on the internet...

A Unique Timepiece

This is the coolest clock I've seen.

Foxes are Birds, in Great Britain

Scotland seemed like a good place to attend graduate school because: a. I could study in English. Before I left Los Angeles, Matt in the photo department at the Daily News told me that his friend had said: 'Scottish is harder to understand than German.'

'Well,' I told Matt, 'I speak German.'

'So did he.'

My verdict is that Scottish is not more difficult to understand than German, but it's just as colourful. (More on the rainbow-like features of the German language in a future post.) I know there have been billions of articles written on the hilarious Three's Company-like situations that arise when two English speakers, presumably speaking the same language, get their mixed messages crossed. But here's another.

In the States, 'partner' used in this sentence: 'My partner and I are going out for dinner' means 'gay lover'. In Scotland, 'partner' used in the above sentence means boyfriend, or girlfriend, or signficant other. Mr. Furley would have been confused too.

Another phrase the Scots throw around is 'popping out', as in, 'I'm just popping out for a minute.' In American English, the phrase 'popping out' is reserved for describing the very specific situation when a woman is wearing a bra that is two or more sizes too small and her breasts are 'popping out.' Boy has this phrase tripped me up.

'Neeps and tatties' is another doozy. We just don't have that phrase in Los Angeles. Probably because it's a Scottish term for 'turnips and potatoes' usually served with haggis. (Not to be confused with Meryl Haggard.)

Who knew the word ‘pants’ would present so many problems? In class one day I told my Canadian friend Melanie, ‘I like your pants.’ ‘Thanks,’ she responded, ‘they’re new.’ (I made that up, I can’t remember what she said.) And everyone started laughing at us, the misguided North Americans. Customs officials should have to tell Americans arriving in Great Britain that on this island ‘pants’ means ‘underwear.’ But as my American friend Jess so expertly argued, if underpants are underpants, then surely the garment they’re worn ‘under’ is ‘pants.’ So underwear are underpants and pants are pants. Melanie, I don’t take it back. I like your pants.

And in Scotland foxes are birds. In terms of looks. The Scots would say, ‘she’s a fit bird.’ Translation: ‘She’s hot’ or ‘she’s a fox.’ Fit bird brings to mind the roasted turkey being basted on Thanksgiving by your hen-pecked father who’s trying to stay out of the way of your mother who’s running around like a chicken with her head cut off. To Americans, birds aren’t sexy. But foxes totally are.

I recently read Bill Bryson’s Made in America. It should be required reading for any American fox venturing to Great Britain.

Presidential Election Mania

I encourage all y'all to play this game. It matches your views on issues with the Presidential candidate most likely to do what you want.

And this map shows who is voting for whom. And here you can check up to see which candidate your neighbors are giving their money to.

What was the voter turnout in the last presidential election? Find out here.

What I Learned Working Retail in Beverly Hills

I worked at Barneys New York in Beverly Hills part-time from February 2002 to August 2003. Here's what I learned:

1. Never button the bottom button on a suit coat.

2. Plastic surgery makes your face look plastic.

3. Money doesn't buy class, manners, good taste or common sense. (Thanks to Kevin who added 'common sense'.)

4. People who have been waited on all their lives will lose their grown son in the store and expect me to know where he is.

5. Shannen Doherty doesn't answer to 'Brenda'

6. Self-importance is a four-letter word.

7. Behind every well dressed actor there are 17 exhausted assistants.

8. If it's torn, dirty, or missing, blame it on the Studio Department.

9. The only way to sell a $3000 white linen Armani suit is to tell people it comes with a speedboat.

10. Men who've known for three months that they're going to the Oscars will wait until the Tuesday before to buy a tuxedo, that needs extensive altering.

Money-Saving Tips

Being a recent graduate only partially employed, I'm on what some might refer to as a shoestring budget. In fact, I've been on said budget for a while.

The other night my flatmate and I were watching “The Bank of Mum & Dad”, which featured a twenty-something whose parents were called in to help him get out of debt. They offered revolutionary advice such as: 1. walk, don't take a taxi, and 2. buy groceries instead of eating out. Wow.

I would like to offer some additional (and may I say better) tips for saving money/reducing debt.
1. At your next party, ask guest to bring canned food. Tell them it's for a charity. (It's not.)
2. Pay your rent as late in the month as possible. This allows you to maximize the interest earned on your checking account. (Last month I earned £.67)
3. When the hand soap (or dish soap) gets low, fill the dispenser with water. This soapy mixture goes a long way. (I'd like to acknowledge my mom for this great tip!)
4. Pick up odd jobs where possible. I have a regular babysitting gig, and I ALWAYS arrive hungry. That way, I earn an hourly wage AND dinner.

Visit this site tomorrow for some more money-saving tips!

Anna-Lisa

What the Americans Are Saying: Bush or Kerry?

Lanae from Los Angeles:

I have a terrible feeling Bush will win again. But alas this is the second election where I will NOT vote for him!

D. from Portland, OR:

I live in Portland, where I am forbidden to express my opinions publicly unless they are liberal and pro-Democrat (or at least anti-Republican). Expressing any support for the President results in someone stealing my yard sign, keying my car, spitting on my car, etc.

I think it's safe to say Kerry will take Oregon. Ironically, the same people wearing "Bush is taking away my civil liberties" pins are the ones that think I'm an attack target if I exercise my right to free expression.

Anyway, I think it will be a very close race nationally (too close to call) and Kerry is getting hit pretty hard for not being able to hold a consistent position on key issues. I think that may be his undoing. Without that albatross, I think he'd win by 5% to 8%.

Mike from D.C.:

In my opinion, Bush will win with 56% of the popular vote. He is the right man at the right time in history. Kerry would be a disaster as President.

C. from Portland, OR:

Everyone I talk to (except my boss) is voting for Kerry. I don’t know who will win, but I think it will be close. Jim and I enjoyed watching the debate the other night. I agree w/ the analysts who said it seemed like Bush ran out of material. My mother will be visiting during the next two debates. I can’t wait to watch with her. She is a staunch Democrat (surrounded by Republicans where she lives) and extremely informed.

Do I think more people will vote this time? I know for sure that at least one more person will: I was talking w/ a guy in our office about the debate the other day. It seems his wife was moved. After the debate ended, she told him she was going to register to vote. He told me he was surprised by that b/c “she’s not like that”. I was surprised he was comfortable telling me that his 28 year old wife wasn’t registered to vote.

Nancy in Los Angeles:

I just heard on the news this morning that after last week’s debate, 3 different polls taken the 4 days after the debate show that kerry and bush are neck in neck at 49% each. And they also said that in the swing states, voter registration is up 3x more than usual….so obviously people think this is an important election where their vote WILL make a difference. Personally, I think it’s too close to call yet. It will all depend on what happens in iraq the next month and if any terrorist things happen and how the next 2 debates go. Bush was SO not presidential and looking like he didn’t even want to be there last time. I think a lot of people are waiting to see what happens in the next few weeks…with the 2 of them and in the world.

Mike from Minneapolis:

There are more presidential lawn signs this year than last the 4 elections combined. Kerry seems to have a little momentum and hopefully is getting some previously uninterested people to register.

Caroline from Portland:

I think we're all holding our breath after Kerry trounced Bush in thedebate. there seems to be a "hope for the best, expect the worst"attitude. for myself, I fear that Bush will win but not fairly.At a party last night I talked to one woman who feels like Kerry willwin. I think people are kind of afraid to get their hopes up and havebecome more cynical. that's the news from the Portland potluck party circuit.

Presidential Worries in Edinburgh

So my flatmate Paul Rollo and I are engaged in debate here in Edinburgh about who is going to win the upcoming U.S. Presidential election. Paul is convinced that Dubya will be re-elected. He has threatened to steal my absentee ballot and vote for Bush.

I have sent an e-mail to some friends in the States so they can fill me in on what Americans, not Brits, are saying about the campaign.

I know how two dead people feel:

Wisconsin Man endorses Kerry in wife's obit

And my mom found an Obituary in the Ventura Star Free Press in which the family of the deceased had written:

Her greatest consolation in death was knowing that she would not live to see Bush re-elected.