English Lessons via T.V.

On Sunday Ted was watching Smokey and the Bandit.

A-L: Hi Ted. Oh, it's Burt Reynolds.

Ted: Yes, Alabama.

The End.

Ted's Holiday

I'll set the scene for you ... Ted is leaning out the living room window, which he calls his "office", and smoking.

A-L: Are you looking forward to your holiday?

Ted: Holiday?? (and then his face lights up) Holiday in four weeks.

I'll take that as a 'yes'.

Geography

A-L: Gemma's moving to Abu Dhabi.

Norette: Is that another prison that you Americans have opened?

A-L: No, it's a city, I think. She's moving there for a job.

Norette: Prison guard?

A-L: No, I don't think it's prison work. It's a city. I think she's doing something UN-related.

Norette: Ummm, where is Abu Dhabi?

A-L: Oh Norette, you're so silly. Uh, I have no idea.

Norette: It sounds like it's near Dubai.

Muchas Congratulations

Dear Cousin John, *NEW* Cousin-in-law Britt, Caroline and Dave,

I was thinking about you all this weekend as you were getting married. I would have loved to have been in Portland and Reno on Saturday.

Happy honeymooning.

A-L

We Bring Good Things to Life

At Heathrow, returning to Edinburgh, checking in for the flight...

A-L to two Germans in line in front of her: Oh, it's so lovely to hear German. (auf Deutsch)

German A: Really? No one ever says that.

A-L: Hearing the German language brings back wonderful childhood memories.

German B: Yes, people do not usually like the German language.

A-L: I do. (and then I sneezed.)

German B: Gesundheit.

A-L: Danke. British people don't usually say 'bless you' or 'gesundheit'.

German A: I have heard that the new business etiquette is to not say 'Gesundheit' if someone sneezes during a meeting because it disrupts the meeting, especially if someone sneezes several times, and everyone in the room says 'Gesundheit'. And nowadays so many people have allergies, that a lot of company time could be wasted extending blessings to colleagues.

A-L: I suppose it's not very efficient. Are you here on business?

German A: Yes.

A-L: What do you do?

German B: We work for G.E. in Frankfurt.

A-L: What??? You do??? Ohmigosh, my dad worked at G.E. in Frankfurt!! That's so exciting!! Ohmigosh. (all in a faux German accent, I think)

German A: What division did your father work for?

A-L: Uhh, he carried a briefcase, wore a trenchcoat, and travelled to Moscow a lot.

German B: Was he a spy?

A-L: Yes, for G.E.'s medical division.

German A: We work for G.E. Corporate Finance, but we are in the building your father would have worked in.

A-L: Wow! My heart is palpitating. I have to sit down. G.E. sponsored my happy childhood memories of Germany. They really do bring good things to life.

German B: Uh, nice to meet you, I think. Good bye.

A-L: Aufwiedersehen (again, in faux German accent)

Feline Marketing

So, with an ad posted online, Ted, Kitty and I were officially looking for a new flatmate.

Below are some snippets from the responses (and what I wanted to reply):

"cat loving female and hamster in search of happy animal loving flatmates"
(Oh purrfect. Cats and hamsters are natural allies in the wild. And I was trying to think of a way for Kitty to contract rabies.)

"I am 28 years old, a non-smoker and experienced in catcare."
(The cat doesn't need a babysitter. Back off, lady.)

"Are you possibly swedish too?"
(Isn't everyone. They call Stockholm the cradle of civilisation, do they not?)

"Adore cats."
(She's not for sale. Back off, lady.)

Seeking

Our team is losing one of its members. The Scottish team member is moving on. So Ted and I have been on the lookout for a suitable replacement. A new flatmate. No small task. We thought the best place to start was the internet: that link to weirdos worldwide. With the click of a button you can invite a Swedish sociopath into your home. Or a Finnish one. As I did.

So we posted an ad on www.gumtree.com.

Our headline was: Room Available in Spacious Flat - 2 Flatmates and a cat

What does this say about us? Seasoned renters knows that "spacious" means "mildew in the bathroom", and that mentioning the presence of a cat in the headline is a bit, well, crazy cat ladyish...

What do the following ads from gumtree say about their posters?

"Lovely Double Room in quiet flat"
Translation: No closet space AND boring flatmates

"Looking for 6 people to share fab flat 10m from centre"
Translation: Who needs a bedroom with windows?

"Double room (single and double bed) for 2/3 people available from Sept 12th"
Translation: Fractions are lame. And, it's totally cool to share a room with two/thirds other people when you're 25.

"Large double room for couple in house share with South African, Brit, and cute spaniel."
Question: Is it ok to refer to Spaniards that way?

"Are you Irish, Australian, South African, Canadian or a New Zealander click here"
Translation: No Americans.

Progress

A telephone conversation with Ted one year ago...

Ted: Hello?

A-L: Hi Ted, it's Anna-Lisa, how are you?

Ted: Anna-Lisa not home.

A-L: This is Anna-Lisa.

Ted: Sorry, Anna-Lisa not home.

A-L: I know Ted, don't you regonize my voice? It's Anna-Lisa.

Ted: Sorry, I do not speak English. I do not understand. Anna-Lisa not home.

A-L: She's with me. I'll tell her I called.

................

A telephone conversation with Ted last week...

Ted: Hello?

A-L: Hi Ted, it's Anna-Lisa.

Ted: Anna-Lisa, where are you? I have day off. What are you doing?

A-L: I am in town. I will be home late. Can you please feed Kitty?

Ted: No problem. Food?

A-L: Yes Ted, please feed her food.

Totally Famous

Ok, so, I'm in print. Well, I'M not in print, but I make a cameo appearance in a column.

Here's the link:

Notebook, by Sam Leith

Did you read it?

I'm the one who "retreated", I think. And I was looking at Jasper Fforde books with him. My 15 minutes are up.

Air Guitar

Last night a journalist started telling a few of us that a few years back he competed in the Air Guitar Championships. He placed fourth.

Questions from the group:
Do the musicians warm up?
Do the airlines ever lose guitars?

We laughed. It was light-hearted. And then foolishly I said, "I wish I had a column. I'd write about it." And the journalist/air guitarist turned to me and said, "I already wrote about it."

Oh, ok.

Multiple Choice

Dear Readers,

A little quiz.

Which of these phrases did I write in an e-mail today:

a. I can provide a price quote for you on 300 copies of that title.
b. I'd like to schedule an appointment to meet with you in Frankfurt.
c. Leave it to the Russians to ruin a weekend in Leipzig.

Names have been changed to protect the, uh, people who need protecting

At a friend's party...

Betty: Hi, I'm A-L.

Ian: Hi, I'm Ian. How do you know Kelly?

Betty: I studied with her. But now I work at XYZ Inc.

Ian: Oh, you work at XYZ??

Betty: Yes.

Ian: Then you'll know me.*

Betty: Sorry, what's your name?

Ian: It's Ian. You'll know me, if you work at XYZ.

Betty: Uh, sorry, I don't know you. What's your surname?

Ian: It's Wilson. I'm Ian Wilson. I'M Ian Wilson.

Betty: Sorry, I don't know you.

Ian: Well, you will if you work at XYZ. I run an organisation based here. Sooner or later I'll call you and ask you to do something for me.

Betty: I work in export.

Ian: Oh, everyone at XYZ does stuff for me. I know Margaret. I always call her. So sooner or later I'll call you and ask you to send me some information.

Betty: I work in export.

Ian: I'll e-mail you if I need some graphics, or pricing info.

(And then I said this in my head...)

Betty: I work in export. You're based in Edinburgh. We're based in Edinburgh. We don't export from Edinburgh to Edinburgh.

*He actually said this. True story. It's my new favourite line: "Then you'll know me."

Banjos, GPS and "illin' steez"

Via Messenger:

A-L: Hi Caroline. I miss you. What’s happening? I need some material for my blog.

Caroline: Hi. I miss you too. Nothing is happening.

A-L: I don’t believe you. You’re planning a wedding.

Caroline: Honestly. Nothing’s happening. We had to re-shoot our engagement photos because our photographer lost our originals. And our violinist flaked out but we found another one.

A-L: I had no idea there was such a thing as a flaky violinist. What about a fiddler? My dad says it’s a violin when you’re sellin’, and a fiddle when you’re buyin’. Or dueling banjos?

Caroline: And a family friend gave us a welcome mat with our latitude and longitude coordinates on it.

A-L: Wow. I didn’t know Macys sold those. How many did you register for?

Caroline: And Salem, Oregon is home of the Macy's of the Damned. It’s horrifying. They have nothing in stock.

A-L: Except global positioning doormats. They have a Macy’s in Salem? And who do you know in Salem that you want at your wedding?

Caroline: The fiddler. And I got a free tote bag for registering for twelve 5-piece place settings.

A-L: Are you giving it away as a door prize at the reception? Or is it the “new” of the “something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue”?

Caroline: No, it’s the “something blue”. And our photographer kept telling us to nuzzle and kiss in front of the camera. Which is not Dave's steez exactly. I mean, that's not how we roll on camera. You can quote me.

A-L: Is that why the photographer destroyed the negatives? And what’s ‘steez’? Is that appropriate for a family audience? My mom and dad read my blog. That’s not Canadian street slang, is it?

Caroline: It means “style”. Like “illin steez”.

A-L: Woah Caroline, I think we’ve drifted.

Hello?

Bored, dear reader? Make sure you've read all the comments. They're enlightening, and funny.

Scottish Sofa Cats

I had heard of Portuguese Water Dogs, but I was stunned to learn this week about Norwegian Forest Cats. I love the idea of animals having a nationality.

And then today, as if on cue, Ted said, "Kitty is Scottish."

If you insist, Ted, on ascribing human characteristics to an animal. A bit childish, don't you think, I asked Kitty.

If you happen to be in West Hollywood on the 14th August...

Don't miss Amy Cochet on August 14th in her comeback solo performance entitled:

Oh Mama!

Amy Cochet has been quite busy since her last one woman show when she raised money to attend the prestigious Cabaret Conference at Yale. After starting a new career, having a baby, and surviving the first year of motherhood, Amy returns to the Gardenia in her new show entitled, Oh Mama! Join Amy, and her musical director, Ron Snyder, for a look at the life changing experience of becoming a parent and bringing up baby.

The Gardenia
7066 Santa Monica Blvd.
West Hollywood, CA 90038

(reservations recommended for show, required for dinner)
(323) 467-7444
Monday, August 14th.
SHOWTIME: 9:00 PM
Gardenia serves dinner starting at 7:00 PM.
$15 dollar cover (Cabaret West members 2 for 1) and a 2 drink minimum.

What I've learned

I've learned that when you're in Amsterdam you should probably go to the Anne Frank House instead of going to the Pancake House next door.

What have you learned, dear reader? Talk to me.

Vindication (and talking cats)

A-L: Remember when that lady told me on my 30th birthday that I looked like I was over 30?

Kitty: Uh, no.

A-L: Well she did. And I'll never shop at Albertsons again.

Kitty: What's Albertsons?

A-L: Well, I must be getting younger, because TWO people asked me if I was 21 at the Chicago Airport.

Kitty: Were they drunk?

A-L: No, they were working the desk at the United lounge.

Kitty: Why were they asking you how old you are? Were you drinking?

A-L: No, they asked if I wanted drink coupons, and of course I said yes.

Kitty: Did you use the coupons?

A-L: No, you're getting off track. The point of the story was that TWO people thought I was under 21.

Kitty: So does that mean you look 42?

A-L: This is the last time you're appearing in dialogue. And Caroline's cats are more affectionate than you.

Delayed Response

And then my sister replied to Aila.

Maria: No, those are your great-great fairy godmothers.

True story. Not really.

Reunion Mania

Yes we had water bottles at our family reunion. Doesn't everyone? The label is above. So I brought a bottle home from the reunion for Maria. And then young Aila saw the water bottle.

Aila: Mom, who are these people?

Maria: They're you're ancestors. It's your great-great grandmother and your great-great grandfather.

... 4 days later

Aila (holding the "Holloway" water bottle): Mom, are these my fairy godmothers?

True story. Sponsored by Disney.