Today is my mom's 65th birthday. For the occasion, I wrote a song. It's called, "Happy Birthday", and it's sung to the tune of "Happy Birthday." Twice.
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Stupid Americans
Tonight at the bus stop there was a Scottish guy and his American girlfriend. I asked her where she was from and she said "Massachusetts." Where am I from? she wanted to know. "Los Angeles," I said, because if I say "California", then the next question is always "where in California?"
"Have you voted?" I asked the very unfriendly American lady.
"No, have you heard what Bush is doing to prevent Americans overseas from voting?" she asked me.
"No," I said to the crazy unfriendly American lady.
"Well, he's done it to me. I have tried to vote three times and haven't been able to. You're supposed to be able to vote online and when I try to vote it says it's not working so I haven't been able to vote."
"Well, I just had my mom mail my ballot to me," I told the crazy unfriendly conspiracy-theory-spreading American lady.
So then the number 27 bus arrived and we boarded. The Scottish man and the American went to the back of the bus. I overheard her say "Los Angeles" and then laugh.
Bitch.
"Have you voted?" I asked the very unfriendly American lady.
"No, have you heard what Bush is doing to prevent Americans overseas from voting?" she asked me.
"No," I said to the crazy unfriendly American lady.
"Well, he's done it to me. I have tried to vote three times and haven't been able to. You're supposed to be able to vote online and when I try to vote it says it's not working so I haven't been able to vote."
"Well, I just had my mom mail my ballot to me," I told the crazy unfriendly conspiracy-theory-spreading American lady.
So then the number 27 bus arrived and we boarded. The Scottish man and the American went to the back of the bus. I overheard her say "Los Angeles" and then laugh.
Bitch.
Monday, October 25, 2004
www.fatcatalley.com
If you like cats, or cartoons, or humor, visit Fat Cat Alley. Click on the litterbox and check out the cartoon Cheap Hotel. It's funny. Alan and Elenor Sheltra, the masters of this web site, have been hosting my cat, Puppy, since August 2003.
Parents
My friend and co-worker Rhona is having surgery on Thursday. Her parents were going to come over to Edinburgh on the weekend to visit her in the hospital. But then they decided that they are coming over on Thursday because they want to be there when she wakes up. Rhona told them that it's ok and they don't have to come over until the weekend, but her mom said they want to be there so she's not scared when she wakes up.
Isn't that sweet? Rhona is 40.
Isn't that sweet? Rhona is 40.
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Job Wanted
I'm looking for a job. Here are my qualifications.
Two degrees. (One obtained in Scottish.) Cat-sitting experience. Extensive knowledge of Finnish candy. Culturally sensitivity: I don't tease Germans about the whole Nazi thing. Ability to get along with people who think I'm funny. Exceptional organizational skills admiration.
To be continued.
Two degrees. (One obtained in Scottish.) Cat-sitting experience. Extensive knowledge of Finnish candy. Culturally sensitivity: I don't tease Germans about the whole Nazi thing. Ability to get along with people who think I'm funny. Exceptional organizational skills admiration.
To be continued.
Friday, October 22, 2004
An Interview
I thought I'd interview myself because no one else will.
Q: When was the last time you ate an avocado?
A: Two days ago. And it was a bad avocado. There's nothing better than a good avocado, but there's also nothing worse than a bad avocado.
Q: Who do you think will win the Presidential Election?
A: Which one?
Q: Don't play dumb.
A: I don't think you can trust a man with two first names. John Kerry will lose.
Q: Where is Osama bin Laden?
A: Crawford, Texas. Or Nashville.
Q: When was the last time you did a cartwheel in public?
A: Three weeks ago.
Q: What was the name of your first pet?
A: Pinky. He was a cat.
Q: Who does your mom swear she saw at the Zurich airport the summer of 2001?
A: One of the 9/11 hijackers.
Q: If you could be a fly on any wall, which would you choose?
A: The Berlin Wall.
Q: When was the last time you ate an avocado?
A: Two days ago. And it was a bad avocado. There's nothing better than a good avocado, but there's also nothing worse than a bad avocado.
Q: Who do you think will win the Presidential Election?
A: Which one?
Q: Don't play dumb.
A: I don't think you can trust a man with two first names. John Kerry will lose.
Q: Where is Osama bin Laden?
A: Crawford, Texas. Or Nashville.
Q: When was the last time you did a cartwheel in public?
A: Three weeks ago.
Q: What was the name of your first pet?
A: Pinky. He was a cat.
Q: Who does your mom swear she saw at the Zurich airport the summer of 2001?
A: One of the 9/11 hijackers.
Q: If you could be a fly on any wall, which would you choose?
A: The Berlin Wall.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Thursday Afternoon
What you folks in America just don't understand is that while it's Thursday afternoon for you, it's Thursday night for me. It has to do with the rotation of the sun around the earth. I've been through Thursday afternoon already. It's like so eight hours ago. I'll tell you what happens on your Thursday afternoon:
At around 4:30 p.m. the bosses and Gillian will leave for Glasgow to attend the launch party for Pretty Wild by Anvar Khan. Then you and Norette will decide that you have to leave at 5:07 p.m. to take the post out. From there on out your Thursday afternoon involves a short bus ride (on the no. 10) and then a stroll down Princes Street. And shopping. Some trying on of ill-fitting trousers is followed by going to Norette's flat and getting rid of the big spider in her hallway whose presence kept her from sleeping last night. What are friends for? I guess you'll find out this afternoon.
At around 4:30 p.m. the bosses and Gillian will leave for Glasgow to attend the launch party for Pretty Wild by Anvar Khan. Then you and Norette will decide that you have to leave at 5:07 p.m. to take the post out. From there on out your Thursday afternoon involves a short bus ride (on the no. 10) and then a stroll down Princes Street. And shopping. Some trying on of ill-fitting trousers is followed by going to Norette's flat and getting rid of the big spider in her hallway whose presence kept her from sleeping last night. What are friends for? I guess you'll find out this afternoon.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Presidential Visions
Last night I had a dream that my mom and I were in Florida and we met John Kerry and the Republican Vice Presidential candidate (who was not Cheney) and I told them that my mom called President Bush a 'nit wit' (which she did, last week). My mom was so embarassed and John Kerry laughed.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
The Beautiful German Language
In a previous post I mentioned the beauty of the German language. I was going to conduct a world wide survey to find the most beautiful German word in the world. But someone beat me to it. (Visit the article "Word power" on this page.)
My favourite German phrase is 'auf das wiedersehen' which is shortened to 'aufwiedersehen' and is translated as 'good bye.' What it really means is 'upon seeing each other again' or 'to seeing each other again.' Beautiful. Simply beautiful.
Thank you to my friend Paul Scherzinger who forwarded the link to me.
My favourite German phrase is 'auf das wiedersehen' which is shortened to 'aufwiedersehen' and is translated as 'good bye.' What it really means is 'upon seeing each other again' or 'to seeing each other again.' Beautiful. Simply beautiful.
Thank you to my friend Paul Scherzinger who forwarded the link to me.
Monday, October 18, 2004
A Pouty EU Passport Photo
Don't smile, the lady told me.
Apparently you're not allowed to smile, or show your teeth, in EU Passport photos because it prevents 'them' from being able to scan your face and determine if you're carrying anthrax.
So now I have my photos for my Finnish passport. Tomorrow I'll head out to the Finnish Consulate to order my passport.
When I get my Finnish passport I have to leave the UK with my American passport, get it stamped that I left, enter another country with my American passport, get it stamped that I entered, and then turn around and come back with my Finnish passport. I love international customs BINGO.
Apparently you're not allowed to smile, or show your teeth, in EU Passport photos because it prevents 'them' from being able to scan your face and determine if you're carrying anthrax.
So now I have my photos for my Finnish passport. Tomorrow I'll head out to the Finnish Consulate to order my passport.
When I get my Finnish passport I have to leave the UK with my American passport, get it stamped that I left, enter another country with my American passport, get it stamped that I entered, and then turn around and come back with my Finnish passport. I love international customs BINGO.
Sunday, October 17, 2004
Sunday Best
Do you think more people would go to church if there was karaoke? The acolyte and Mrs. Trahan could do a duet to 'How Great Thou Art'. The rest could sing along, they just wouldn't be miked.
We went to church every Sunday from the time I was 7 until I was about 17. And then for some reason, when my parents were deprived of the joy of waking their daughters up on Sunday mornings, when Maria and I had left the nest, and Pete and Irma just had each other, they stopped going. My mom says she's not going back to Peace Lutheran because the new pastor used to be a mechanic. My parents started going to Peace Lutheran way back in the 70s, when it was just a few Lutheran lambs following Pastor Laatz. Now some auto-mechanic is leading the flock.
A couple years back, on their way to the Christmas Eve candlelight service, my dad almost turned into the parking lot of St. Columba's, the Episcopal church. He was tired, and it's quite reasonable that he would get lost. They've only been going to 71 Loma Drive for 30 years. My mom came home from that service talking not about the miracle of Jesus' birth, or the beautiful service, or the old friends they saw, but laughing about how they almost became Episcopalian.
My goal as a church-going teen was to make my mom laugh out loud in church. For all her Lutheran-Finnish seriousness she was a good sport. She has always been a 'church laugher.' My sister and I used to change the words of the hymn from 'when I fall on my knees with my face to the rising sun, oh Lord have mercy on me' to 'when I fall on my face with my knees to the rising sun.' Irma loved that one.
With the mechanic at the helm, my mom worships at home. She keeps up on the church gossip through Jeff, their life insurance rep. (Apparently the pastor who served Peace Lutheran before the mechanic is no longer a pastor. Controversial.)
I promised I wouldn't tell anyone about the time when my mom was on altar duty and accidentally let the Eternity Candle extinguish. Oops.
We went to church every Sunday from the time I was 7 until I was about 17. And then for some reason, when my parents were deprived of the joy of waking their daughters up on Sunday mornings, when Maria and I had left the nest, and Pete and Irma just had each other, they stopped going. My mom says she's not going back to Peace Lutheran because the new pastor used to be a mechanic. My parents started going to Peace Lutheran way back in the 70s, when it was just a few Lutheran lambs following Pastor Laatz. Now some auto-mechanic is leading the flock.
A couple years back, on their way to the Christmas Eve candlelight service, my dad almost turned into the parking lot of St. Columba's, the Episcopal church. He was tired, and it's quite reasonable that he would get lost. They've only been going to 71 Loma Drive for 30 years. My mom came home from that service talking not about the miracle of Jesus' birth, or the beautiful service, or the old friends they saw, but laughing about how they almost became Episcopalian.
My goal as a church-going teen was to make my mom laugh out loud in church. For all her Lutheran-Finnish seriousness she was a good sport. She has always been a 'church laugher.' My sister and I used to change the words of the hymn from 'when I fall on my knees with my face to the rising sun, oh Lord have mercy on me' to 'when I fall on my face with my knees to the rising sun.' Irma loved that one.
With the mechanic at the helm, my mom worships at home. She keeps up on the church gossip through Jeff, their life insurance rep. (Apparently the pastor who served Peace Lutheran before the mechanic is no longer a pastor. Controversial.)
I promised I wouldn't tell anyone about the time when my mom was on altar duty and accidentally let the Eternity Candle extinguish. Oops.
Friday, October 15, 2004
Help Wanted: Airport Security Screeners
They're hiring baggage screeners at airports around the country. Read the ad.
Electoral College Map Fun
Boy is this presidential race close. So close. I got my absentee ballot in this morning's mail. The Original Finn mailed it too me. I voted. I'll mail it tomorrow. The American lady who works at the deli by my work told me that she wishes she had mailed her ballot 'registered mail' because she doesn't trust the election officials. She thinks something 'untoward' will occur, and the result will be a Bush victory. Paranoia? Hysteria? I think. I think we need to keep an eye on ourselves.
The Los Angeles Times has an excellent electoral-vote-possible-scenarios map.
The Los Angeles Times has an excellent electoral-vote-possible-scenarios map.
Recycling
So my cousin Amy Holloway has located Heather Locklear who I reported 'missing' in yesterday's post. My apologies to anyone who became distressed. Apparently Heather is doing quite well, starring in a 'new show called LAX with the lovely Blair Underwood and it's all about the daily drama and goings on at the LAX airport' writes Amy, University of Portland Class of 2003. (My dad could totally be a highly-paid consultant to that show. With all the travelling he does, my dad's so totally popular at LAX.)
And on a lighter note, I'd like all of you to encourage others to recycle. No joking around here. (or here.)
Being the child of a child of war I was raised reusing wrapping paper and saving sour cream containers (they could be used to confuse the Russians if they ever attacked). I'm all for REDUCING, REUSING and RECYLCLING. My friend Christina's mom signs greeting card very lightly, in pencil, so that the recipient might reuse them.
Here are some totally unrevolutionary tips for recycling:
use both sides of notepaper when taking phone messages
use scrap paper for taking notes
recycle aluminum cans, glass bottles and plasic containers where possible
I read somewhere that with the energy saved by recycling one aluminum can, you can raise a village, or a child, or something. Or maybe light a bulb for an hour. No specifics here, just a little friendly advice. Amy, can you ask Heather to recycle?
And on a lighter note, I'd like all of you to encourage others to recycle. No joking around here. (or here.)
Being the child of a child of war I was raised reusing wrapping paper and saving sour cream containers (they could be used to confuse the Russians if they ever attacked). I'm all for REDUCING, REUSING and RECYLCLING. My friend Christina's mom signs greeting card very lightly, in pencil, so that the recipient might reuse them.
Here are some totally unrevolutionary tips for recycling:
use both sides of notepaper when taking phone messages
use scrap paper for taking notes
recycle aluminum cans, glass bottles and plasic containers where possible
I read somewhere that with the energy saved by recycling one aluminum can, you can raise a village, or a child, or something. Or maybe light a bulb for an hour. No specifics here, just a little friendly advice. Amy, can you ask Heather to recycle?
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Hypochondria and Heather Locklear
Whatever happened to Heather Locklear? She was so totally happenin' in like 1999. She's virtually disappeared. If you see her, let me know.
For those you of you looking for a good recipe for making fake blood (for Halloween costume fun) I'd like to pass on an old Scottish recipe: mix Nescafe instant coffee and ketchup. Instant fun. And blood.
I had a close relative who my mom secretly diagnosed as a hypochondriac, and I'm wondering if it's hereditary. Or perhaps contagious. I used to sit next to Alex when I worked in the Pre-Press department at the Daily News. Alex was convinced he had throat cancer because he had these horrible pains, and difficulty swallowing. He prolonged the drama by scheduling a doctor's appointment for September. It was July when his 'spells' began. By the time the doctor's appointment rolled around, Alex had interviewed morticians and willed away his 1992 Toyota Corolla. The doctor's verdict? Heart burn.
For those you of you looking for a good recipe for making fake blood (for Halloween costume fun) I'd like to pass on an old Scottish recipe: mix Nescafe instant coffee and ketchup. Instant fun. And blood.
I had a close relative who my mom secretly diagnosed as a hypochondriac, and I'm wondering if it's hereditary. Or perhaps contagious. I used to sit next to Alex when I worked in the Pre-Press department at the Daily News. Alex was convinced he had throat cancer because he had these horrible pains, and difficulty swallowing. He prolonged the drama by scheduling a doctor's appointment for September. It was July when his 'spells' began. By the time the doctor's appointment rolled around, Alex had interviewed morticians and willed away his 1992 Toyota Corolla. The doctor's verdict? Heart burn.
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Interviewing Pediatricians
My high school friend Erin is expecting her first baby. But she wasn't expecting so much unsolicited advice from others. Her friend Gretchen, whose name I have changed to protect Melissa's identity, recently had her first baby. How recently? Last week, or so. But she's already an expert. Gretchen asked Erin if she has started interviewing pediatricians.
"Do I have to interview them??" Erin asked me.
Well Erin, since you asked, you're waaaay behind schedule. You should have started interviewing pediatricians at least six months before you got married. That way you could determine if your prospective husband and your pediatrician are compatible. The synergy between the father of the baby and the pediatrician is key to raising a happy and healthy child. If they're not a match, ditch the husband. A good pediatrician is much harder to find.
And don't name your baby without reaching a consensus. You MUST have the baby's name approved by your in-laws, your sister-in-law's boyfriend, your parents' neighbors, and of course me. And my mom. Since you're due in April, you have until January 5th to present us with the shortlist. (Names of Finnish origin will be looked upon favorably.)
Also consider these factors which will affect the health and development of your unborn baby:
1. Hand-me-down maternity clothes. No way. You work in Beverly Hills. A reasonable budget for maternity clothes is $2000. Any less and your baby will know you're cutting corners. (Gretchen spent $3000.)
2. A new car is a must. You're not still driving that Honda, are you? I suggest finding the perfect car seat (to be re-upholstered each season), and then buying the car to match. The car seat will also have to be coordinated with your husband's vehicle. Maybe he should get a new car as well. (Gretchen's husband did.)
3. Vitamins A - Z. I'm sure your OB Gyn will advise you on which vitamins you should take, but I would, at all costs, avoid generic brand prenatal vitamins. Your baby will fail kindergarden if you buy your vitamins at Target.
4. The foods you eat now will determine how much your child loves you. As Gretchen would suggest, organic foods are a must. Avoid the affordable Farmer's Markets that occur in your area. Specialty supermarkets are best. Afterall, it's for your baby.
Good luck. Call my mom if you need any REAL advice.
"Do I have to interview them??" Erin asked me.
Well Erin, since you asked, you're waaaay behind schedule. You should have started interviewing pediatricians at least six months before you got married. That way you could determine if your prospective husband and your pediatrician are compatible. The synergy between the father of the baby and the pediatrician is key to raising a happy and healthy child. If they're not a match, ditch the husband. A good pediatrician is much harder to find.
And don't name your baby without reaching a consensus. You MUST have the baby's name approved by your in-laws, your sister-in-law's boyfriend, your parents' neighbors, and of course me. And my mom. Since you're due in April, you have until January 5th to present us with the shortlist. (Names of Finnish origin will be looked upon favorably.)
Also consider these factors which will affect the health and development of your unborn baby:
1. Hand-me-down maternity clothes. No way. You work in Beverly Hills. A reasonable budget for maternity clothes is $2000. Any less and your baby will know you're cutting corners. (Gretchen spent $3000.)
2. A new car is a must. You're not still driving that Honda, are you? I suggest finding the perfect car seat (to be re-upholstered each season), and then buying the car to match. The car seat will also have to be coordinated with your husband's vehicle. Maybe he should get a new car as well. (Gretchen's husband did.)
3. Vitamins A - Z. I'm sure your OB Gyn will advise you on which vitamins you should take, but I would, at all costs, avoid generic brand prenatal vitamins. Your baby will fail kindergarden if you buy your vitamins at Target.
4. The foods you eat now will determine how much your child loves you. As Gretchen would suggest, organic foods are a must. Avoid the affordable Farmer's Markets that occur in your area. Specialty supermarkets are best. Afterall, it's for your baby.
Good luck. Call my mom if you need any REAL advice.
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