Bacon Flu

A-L: What's new?

Irma: I think that cough Public Safety Pete had for three weeks was Swine Flu.

A-L: You've been watching too much Fox News.

Irma: We don't get that channel. We only get ABC, NBC, and KTLA, on a good day.

A-L: Have you and Pete finally turned into hippies? Are you living off the grid?

Irma: No, our T.V. antenna isn't great, and I'm too cheap to pay for cable. We used the money we would have spent on cable to send you and Sister Maria to private school.

A-L: Was St. Bonaventure only $35.99 a month? Truth be told, I'd rather have had MTV and VH1 than a Catholic education. Have you ever seen Pop Up Video? That sh** rocks.

Irma: No, I'm not familiar with that program.

A-L: You should sneak into the neighbor's house when they're out of town and watch cable. I'd trade my straightened teeth for three years of the Discovery Channel.

Irma: Is it that good?

A-L: Better. Give them three months, they'll have a documentary on Swine Flu.

Irma: If we're still around then.

A-L: Do you really think you'll catch it?

Irma: I hope not.

A-L: Come on Irma, you're a nurse. You know how diseases are spread, and you and Pete just aren't in the target market. You don't live with pigs, and you wash your hands far too often.

Irma: You don't have to live with pigs to catch it.

A-L: You just have to come in contact with someone who has it, and then lick them. And I bet no one you see, or lick, has it.

Irma: You never know.

A-L: Well, just know that if you and Pete fall victim, Maria and I will handle the proceedings in a manner befitting your legacy.

Irma: You'll serve ham and cheese sandwiches at the memorial service?

A-L: Pork ribs. Happy almost Mother's Day.

Helpful Hints For San Francisco

My friend Laura came to visit San Francisco, from scenic Scotland. And she loved it here, but had these two pieces of advice for the city:

1. Turn up the evening temperature a bit.
2. Paint the Golden Gate Bridge gold.

Laura is possibly the only person EVER to see the totally breathtaking, amazing feat of engineering which is the Golden Gate Bridge, and register this reaction: disappointment.

"It's not gold."

A Growing Readership

A-L: Ohmigosh, people are reading my blog.

Kitty: They are? How do you know?

A-L: I just got a new comment, from the mysteriously named "Anonymous".

Kitty: Cool.

A-L: The message is cryptic, but good. I think. It's succinct, and quite poetic. I bet it's from a famous writer.

Kitty: What does it say?

A-L: "Boring. Dumb."

Kitty: About which post?

A-L: The most recent one, entitled "Bedtime for DJs".

Kitty: Hmm. That's not even close to being the most boring or dumbest post. Wonder who it could be. Does Annais have internet access at daycare?

A-L: She does, but she's a fan of the Ferocious Reader, and besides, she'd use a different moniker, like her ham radio handle.

Bedtime for DJs

F.D.: You'll never believe what the DJ upstairs said.

A-L: Try me.

F.D.: He said that he's trying really hard to be considerate, and turn down the music when it's late, but he's struggling with knowing what is "too late".

A-L: Are you saying that he doesn't understand the concept of "bed time"?

F.D.: He doesn't understand what time people who aren't DJs go to bed, and he needs help knowing when that is.

A-L: I have an idea.

F.D.: Uh oh.

A-L: No, it's a good idea. It's not one of my silly "I'll say this for a laugh" ideas.

F.D.: Ok.

A-L: Each night, when it's bed time, you could go upstairs and read him a bed time story. That way, there'll be no confusion about when bed time is. When the story is over, he has to turn the stereo off.

Michael: Or put on headphones.

When a DJ Lives Upstairs

Flatmate David: Have you heard the super loud music from the upstairs neighbors?

A-L: No. It might be my snoring that you're hearing.

F.D.: No, it's definitely melodic. But waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too loud, and waaaaaay too late.

A-L: Oh, actually I have. I forgot that I wrote a poem to the upstairs neighbor.

F.D.: Wow, and right on cue, he's turned it up again.

A-L: What song is that? Sounds like the Jackson Five.

F.D.: Not sure. I could Shazam it.

A-L: That's when you know the music upstairs is too loud.

F.D.: They just don't understand the concept of THIN WALLS + LOUD MUSIC + DIFFERENT WORK SCHEDULES = UNHAPPY DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBORS.

A-L: I think passive aggressive is the way to go here.

F.D.: Good idea. When I leave the house at 6 am, I'll leave really bad music on loop. Can I borrow your Phil Collins CD?

A-L: Which one? I mean, I don't own any Phil Collins. Honestly. I was thinking George Michael. But maybe that's so bad it's good.

Conversation Stopper

At the San Francisco Airport, after a few minutes of friendly conversation...

Friendly man: So, what do you do?

A-L: I'm an admin assistant.

(insert long pause)

Friendly man: Do you want a drink?