A-L: I must be drunk. I'm filling in some information about a company, which is in Texas, and I put down the wrong country. Texas isn't in Canada!
SR: Texas is in Texas.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
A Definite Red Flag
Caroline: I once broke up with a boyfriend because he had a Mariah Carey CD.
A-L: Really?? Which one?
Caroline: I think it was Daydream.
A-L: I meant which boyfriend.
A-L: Really?? Which one?
Caroline: I think it was Daydream.
A-L: I meant which boyfriend.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Interview Saga - Part 1
This really happened. To someone I know. Names have been changed to protect those who need protecting.
Sally: I'm thrilled to be here, Nancy. Thanks for giving me an interview.
Nancy: No problem. I just want to start out by telling you that I'm leaving the company very soon. I'm going to get my MBA. I just thought it was fair to say that up front.
Sally: Great, then maybe I'll get your job instead of the one I'm interviewing for. I mean, what a shame. I'm sure I could learn so much from you.
Nancy: I have NO IDEA how they're going to find someone to replace me. They're never going to find what they're looking for.
Sally: Yes, you look like that rare individual who is indispensable.
Nancy: So, the salary's not spectacular for this low-level customer service position. How do you feel about that?
Sally: I've considered dog walking, nit picking and converting so I could become the mother to someone else's Jewish baby. I'm not particularly money motivated in this down spiraling economy. What's REALLY important to me is that I like the product I'm selling and that I work with nice people. And that I'm employed.
Nancy: Oh, I'm not nice.
Sally: Yes, I didn't not notice that. I mean, tee hee.
Nancy: I'm serious. I'm not nice. I hate training people. I'm really impatient.
Sally: Are you drunk? Did you just say that to me? I mean, I can understand that sentiment. I've been a manager, and training people can be challenging.
Nancy: Yeah, I'll show someone how to do something once, and if they don't get it, they're on their own and I get really aggravated.
Sally: Nit picking wouldn't be so bad. I could make my own hours.
Nancy: One thing that makes this mindless job very complicated is that we use many different systems, so you have to be very precise.
Sally: Well, I'm very good about admitting if I've made a mistake, and then going back and fixing it.
Nancy: That's a good trait, but, uh, we don't make mistakes. I'm serious. We don't make mistakes. We can't make mistakes.
Sally: You are the best thing that's ever happened to my blog. Are you kidding me? Did you REALLY just say that to me during an interview?
Nancy: Ok, come meet my boss, Bob.
Sally: Let's hope he's also a goldmine of interviewing no-no's.
-----
Bob: Scaaawwt-land, huh? How long did you live in Edin-bor-ough?
Sally: I'm not sure where Edin-bor-ough is, sir, but I lived in Edinburgh for five years.
Bob: I'm Scawwww-tish.
Sally: I don't believe you.
Bob: So, tell me about the retail job you had in Beverly Hills. I bet you had some demanding customers there.
Sally: That was seven jobs ago. Do you really want to focus on that one?
Bob: I'm just going to talk over you, and anything you say is wrong. My interviewing style is a mix of aggressive, condescending and confrontational. So explain how you would have dealt with an unhappy customer when you were working retail.
Sally: Well, I would have apologized, and then spoken with my manager...
Bob (interrupting): Let's say your manager's unavailable.
Sally: Well, I would have spoken to my manager's manager.
Bob: That person's not available either.
Sally: I didn't work alone at this high-department store. I don't think, sir.
Bob: Moving right along, prove to me that you're organized.
Sally: Uh, my resume is easy to read? I got here on time?
(At this point in the interview, Sally had given up, and already strongly disliked both Bob and Nancy. And never wanted to work near/with/for/against them.)
Sally: What, exactly, are you looking for in a low-level underpaid customer service rep reporting to self-important, inexperienced and unprofessional managers? I mean, what are you looking for in an employee?
Bob: I'm looking for someone who can "keep their head, when all about are losing theirs".
Sally: I like that poem.
Bob: Yes, it's Robert Burns.
Sally: Try again. It's Rudyard Kipling.
Bob: It's one of the two.
Yeah, the one I said.
And here concludes Part 1. Let's recap: Sally corrected her potential boss's boss in an interview because she can't bear to let it pass that he's attributed a Rudyard Kipling poem to Robert Burns. Will Sally ever get a job?? To be continued.
Sally: I'm thrilled to be here, Nancy. Thanks for giving me an interview.
Nancy: No problem. I just want to start out by telling you that I'm leaving the company very soon. I'm going to get my MBA. I just thought it was fair to say that up front.
Sally: Great, then maybe I'll get your job instead of the one I'm interviewing for. I mean, what a shame. I'm sure I could learn so much from you.
Nancy: I have NO IDEA how they're going to find someone to replace me. They're never going to find what they're looking for.
Sally: Yes, you look like that rare individual who is indispensable.
Nancy: So, the salary's not spectacular for this low-level customer service position. How do you feel about that?
Sally: I've considered dog walking, nit picking and converting so I could become the mother to someone else's Jewish baby. I'm not particularly money motivated in this down spiraling economy. What's REALLY important to me is that I like the product I'm selling and that I work with nice people. And that I'm employed.
Nancy: Oh, I'm not nice.
Sally: Yes, I didn't not notice that. I mean, tee hee.
Nancy: I'm serious. I'm not nice. I hate training people. I'm really impatient.
Sally: Are you drunk? Did you just say that to me? I mean, I can understand that sentiment. I've been a manager, and training people can be challenging.
Nancy: Yeah, I'll show someone how to do something once, and if they don't get it, they're on their own and I get really aggravated.
Sally: Nit picking wouldn't be so bad. I could make my own hours.
Nancy: One thing that makes this mindless job very complicated is that we use many different systems, so you have to be very precise.
Sally: Well, I'm very good about admitting if I've made a mistake, and then going back and fixing it.
Nancy: That's a good trait, but, uh, we don't make mistakes. I'm serious. We don't make mistakes. We can't make mistakes.
Sally: You are the best thing that's ever happened to my blog. Are you kidding me? Did you REALLY just say that to me during an interview?
Nancy: Ok, come meet my boss, Bob.
Sally: Let's hope he's also a goldmine of interviewing no-no's.
-----
Bob: Scaaawwt-land, huh? How long did you live in Edin-bor-ough?
Sally: I'm not sure where Edin-bor-ough is, sir, but I lived in Edinburgh for five years.
Bob: I'm Scawwww-tish.
Sally: I don't believe you.
Bob: So, tell me about the retail job you had in Beverly Hills. I bet you had some demanding customers there.
Sally: That was seven jobs ago. Do you really want to focus on that one?
Bob: I'm just going to talk over you, and anything you say is wrong. My interviewing style is a mix of aggressive, condescending and confrontational. So explain how you would have dealt with an unhappy customer when you were working retail.
Sally: Well, I would have apologized, and then spoken with my manager...
Bob (interrupting): Let's say your manager's unavailable.
Sally: Well, I would have spoken to my manager's manager.
Bob: That person's not available either.
Sally: I didn't work alone at this high-department store. I don't think, sir.
Bob: Moving right along, prove to me that you're organized.
Sally: Uh, my resume is easy to read? I got here on time?
(At this point in the interview, Sally had given up, and already strongly disliked both Bob and Nancy. And never wanted to work near/with/for/against them.)
Sally: What, exactly, are you looking for in a low-level underpaid customer service rep reporting to self-important, inexperienced and unprofessional managers? I mean, what are you looking for in an employee?
Bob: I'm looking for someone who can "keep their head, when all about are losing theirs".
Sally: I like that poem.
Bob: Yes, it's Robert Burns.
Sally: Try again. It's Rudyard Kipling.
Bob: It's one of the two.
Yeah, the one I said.
And here concludes Part 1. Let's recap: Sally corrected her potential boss's boss in an interview because she can't bear to let it pass that he's attributed a Rudyard Kipling poem to Robert Burns. Will Sally ever get a job?? To be continued.
The Tao of Annais - Verse One
A-L: Good morning Annais. How did you sleep?
Annais (closing her eyes): Like this.
Annais (closing her eyes): Like this.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Q & A With Public Safety Pete
I received the following e-mail from Gemma, our Paris correspondent:
A-L,
Please forward this photo to Public Safety Pete for analysis.
Thanks, GL
Pete, can you rate this on the scale of 1 - 10?
A-L,
Please forward this photo to Public Safety Pete for analysis.
Thanks, GL
Pete, can you rate this on the scale of 1 - 10?
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
The Tao of Annais (Rhymes with "The Tao of Niece")
A-L: You should drive up to visit me in San Francisco sometime. It's only a 10-hour drive from Coachella (aka The Surface of the Sun).
Sister Maria: That sounds perfect for the girls. There's nothing five- and three-year-olds like more than being confined to car seats for 10 hours.
A-L: Is it really bad?
Sister Maria: Hey, Annais, tell A-L how much you like the drive to Northern California.
Annais: What?
Sister Maria: Tell her about the drive up north, how fun it was.
Annais: The drive was ... (insert dramatic three-year-old pause) ... the plane.
A-L: Does she work for Southwest Airlines? Or is she Yoda?
Sister Maria: Both.
Sister Maria: That sounds perfect for the girls. There's nothing five- and three-year-olds like more than being confined to car seats for 10 hours.
A-L: Is it really bad?
Sister Maria: Hey, Annais, tell A-L how much you like the drive to Northern California.
Annais: What?
Sister Maria: Tell her about the drive up north, how fun it was.
Annais: The drive was ... (insert dramatic three-year-old pause) ... the plane.
A-L: Does she work for Southwest Airlines? Or is she Yoda?
Sister Maria: Both.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Police Custody
Public Safety Pete: Hi, I'm waiting for my fingerprints to dry.
A-L: Are you and Irma stenciling the hallway with your hand and foot prints?
Pete: No, I'm at the Channel Islands Police Station, I think.
A-L: What happened? Did you finally act out against the homeowners' association rules and put up a lawn ornament? I hope it's a life-size troll.
Pete: No, I'm getting fingerprinted.
A-L: And I was your first phone call? Unfortunately I'm pretty busy. Sister Maria and I are running errands. Can I call you back when you're eligible for parole?
Pete: I wish. I'm getting my paw prints taken so I can do that volunteer job you signed me up for.
A-L: The one counting birds for the Audubon Society?
Pete: That sounds more exciting. I'll be installing Life Alert systems in elderly people's homes.
A-L: Does that mean you get a free one? If so, can I have it? I'd love to get it connected to the Velo Rouge coffee shop across the street from my house so they could deliver freshly brewed coffee.
Pete: Um, pressing the Life Alert button means an ambulance, not a barista, shows up.
A-L: Oh, so it's broken. No wonder they need volunteers.
A-L: Are you and Irma stenciling the hallway with your hand and foot prints?
Pete: No, I'm at the Channel Islands Police Station, I think.
A-L: What happened? Did you finally act out against the homeowners' association rules and put up a lawn ornament? I hope it's a life-size troll.
Pete: No, I'm getting fingerprinted.
A-L: And I was your first phone call? Unfortunately I'm pretty busy. Sister Maria and I are running errands. Can I call you back when you're eligible for parole?
Pete: I wish. I'm getting my paw prints taken so I can do that volunteer job you signed me up for.
A-L: The one counting birds for the Audubon Society?
Pete: That sounds more exciting. I'll be installing Life Alert systems in elderly people's homes.
A-L: Does that mean you get a free one? If so, can I have it? I'd love to get it connected to the Velo Rouge coffee shop across the street from my house so they could deliver freshly brewed coffee.
Pete: Um, pressing the Life Alert button means an ambulance, not a barista, shows up.
A-L: Oh, so it's broken. No wonder they need volunteers.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Are You New?
If you're a new reader, and I know there are tens of you, or you just need reminding, these are the characters who play recurring roles on the Ferocious Reader:
- Public Safety Pete - My dad. Concerned with safety. Named Pete. Or Peter. Native to California.
- Irma (aka "the Irma") - My mom, Irma. Married to Public Safety Pete for 39.5 years. Of Finnish origin.
- Sister Maria - My sister. Her name is Maria.
- Grandbrother Hector - Husband of Sister Maria. "Grandbrother" is Ted's (see Character 7) version of "brother-in-law".
- Aila - Original niece. The elder of the MexiFinns. Fan of pygmy marmosets, hummingbirds and scarlet macaws.
- Annais (aka "Cachetona", "Cache", "Eese") - Younger of the MexiFinns. PRONUNCIATION KEY: Rhymes with "geese". (Bonus information: Was named "Peter Marie" while gestating.)
- Ted - Of Polish origin. Flatmate of four years in Edinburgh. Still in Scotland. Accident prone. Wife and two children in Poland, eagerly awaiting his return. New(ish) to English. Originator of the phrases "sister-in-love" and "grandbrother", among others.
- Kitty - A cat. Lives in Scotland.
- Others appear as convenient/necessary/funny.
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