Was a Bit of a Fuzzy Line

Kitty: Hello?

A-L: Hi Kitty, it's me.

Kitty: Are you calling collect?

A-L: No, I borrowed my roommate's mobile phone. How are you?

Kitty: I'm good, thanks. You're not using me to generate material for that web site, are you? You know it backfires. You end up alienating about three quarters of your readership when you give a cat a speaking part. Especially when you do it at 9pm on a Saturday night. Are you out on the town?

A-L: No, I'm not "out on the town". I'm at home, job hunting. How are things in Scotland? Are you loving your new home in Culross?

Kitty: Yeah, it's great. I'm totally spoiled here. They let me sit on the kitchen table, which is something I only ever did in Edinburgh when you were asleep, or in the living room, or in London, or anywhere but the kitchen. Have you found a job yet?

A-L: No, I'm still looking. But it turns out you were right all along and I should have done that online course in Bankruptcy Law you suggested. I met a bankruptcy attorney yesterday who said business is booming.

Kitty: The Scottish economy is robust, as far as I can tell. Is it really that bad there?

A-L: It depends on who you ask. I hear lots of anecdotal evidence of a strong economy. Today someone suggested I should apply to companies in the Silicon Valley because "they're totally still hiring". (Emphasis is mine.)

Kitty: Have you looked on Craigslist?

"Intellectual" Property

My roommate, MWM, and I got to talking about Alzheimer's and dementia the other night. My favorite (can I say that??) dementia story is of an elderly Finnish woman who would not leave her house, and move into an assisted-care facility, despite the fact that she could no longer take care of herself. She was only convinced to move when someone told her that the Russians were coming, and they knew of the *perfect* hiding place.

So MWM said: That's what you call The Lighter Side of Alzheimer's.

A-L: What a great name for a blog. I'm going to register that.

MWM: It was my idea.

A-L: Thanks, MWM. Keep the good ideas coming.

Things Could be Worse

"Things Could be Worse" is another school of thought. Yesterday evening, my friend Yang and I met a toothless saxophone player*. (This is San Francisco, after all.) Yang dragged me out of the cafe before I could suggest that the man take up piano.

*Do I need to add that he's unemployed?

Are you hiring?

If you're serious about a job, don't put "PICK ME! PICK ME!" in the subject line of the e-mail to the hiring manager. Apparently it's not very professional. Also, include a cover letter.

Dear Jobless Readers

I have some advice for you, which I have collected with the help of some new (also unemployed) friends. Below you will find a list of the most commonly reoccurring pieces of advice from the gainfully employed:

1. Don't hang out with other unemployed people. It will give you the false impression that everyone is unemployed, and that it's ok not to be working.

2. You should apply for the (insert low-paying mindless) job. Dog walking and espresso making are two suggestions I have heard. (This is part of the "take any job you can while there are still some left" school of thought.)

2. Keep checking Craigslist, because no one else knows about it, so employers are posting well-paid jobs up there and *no one* is applying to them.

3. Have you thought about applying to Google? It doesn't matter that you didn't graduate at the top of your class from Harvard, Yale, Stanford or MIT, you have *good* experience. You should go for it. Or gopher it!!

4. And, finally: Don't forget to include a cover letter.

Round One Elimination

I like the jobs that I can eliminate (on craigslist, where else?) by just answering 'NO' to the headline. For example:

Do you like Video Games? - (SOMA / south beach)

No. One less cover letter to customize.

Can You Sell The Super Bowl? - (financial district)

Not if I'm in Vegas, at the craps table.

The Job Hunt (continued)

Back to craigslist.org, only because it is funny and good.

Now, what does it say about me that I clicked on the job advertisement titled "Nitpicker wanted"? As I clicked, I thought "I'm about to find my perfect job." Honestly.

Here's what was really lurking behind this title:

The Hair Whisperers Lice Removal service is looking for someone based in San Fransisco to remove lice and eggs from people infected with lice. Qualified candidates should have valid driver's license, great close up eyesight, feel comfortable going into people's homes, be personable, good with children, and extremely detailed oriented. Squeamish people need not apply. A good sense of humor a plus! A background check is required, and references will be checked as well. To be considered, all applicants must include where they live, and what times and days they are available. Travel is not paid for. No Weekend Only please.
Driving is a large part of this job, and the longer you are willing to drive, the more you will work. Driving is unpaid. You can set your own hours, and choose when you work, but should be available at least a few hours every day. No 9-5-ers looking to start work at 6 pm, as children often go to sleep at 8. We will train qualified applicants. This is an independent contractor position. Training is in Los Angeles. Training and travel to Los Angeles is unpaid and can take anywhere from five to ten hours.

This *has* to be a joke, right? Firstly, why is Los Angeles the ideal training ground for nitpickers? (Although driving down to Los Angeles and advertising a rideshare on Craigslist would open up a whole new avenue for comedy.) Secondly, who has references for this sort of thing? Would they call my former boss, the Sales & Marketing Director at a UK publisher, and ask her to confirm that: a) I can drive, b) I am extremely detail oriented, fastidious, and, er, a bit of a nitpicker, and c) I am comfortable going into strangers' homes?

But no. It's not a joke. Here's their web site.

San Francisco (Day 12) - Saturday, January 17

I love San Francisco because, if you see a 30-something man on the bus, and he's wearing a baby carrier with *something* in it, the following is a totally legitimate question:

"Is there a baby in there?" which is what two people asked him. Because it is equally possible that he's carrying a squirrel, or a couple of kittens, or a half dozen avocados. Turns out it was a 7-week old baby human boy, and not a huge vegetarian burrito (which was my guess).

The Job Hunt

A-L: Hi Maria. I need your help. Looking for a job in San Francisco is impossible.

Sister Maria: Is the economy really bad up there too?

A-L: Uh, I guess, but I just keep getting distracted, and I find that there are too many jobs. How do I narrow it down? Today I found the *perfect* job on craigslist.org under "retail/wholesale jobs" -

Now hiring for all part-time positions at our new Sanrio store (Hello Kitty) in Japan Town San Francisco. We are looking for candidates who are friendly, energetic, dependable, courteous, motivated and customer service oriented.

A-L (cont.): I meet all those requirements, AND I love cats. But it's only part-time.

Sister Maria: Wow, that does sound good, I think. I guess stickers and pencils and glittery Hello Kitty lip gloss are recession proof. But you need something full-time.

A-L: Here's another good one -

Need 2 people to stand on the corner of Mission St. between Ocean and Geneva and simply WAVE to people. Will have to dress up in a Statue of Liberty costume.

A-L (cont.): I can do that. I'm friendly, and good at waving. And I think they meant to say "will get to dress up in a Statue of Liberty costume".

Sister Maria: I don't think you'd look very good in a crown.

A-L: Maybe I could do that job, while I'm doing this one:

Great dog walking position open!! Established dog walking service looking for the right person to work outdoors with great dogs. The job can be really fun and rewarding for dog lovers. You must own a large vehicle, truck with a camper shell, van or an SUV (sorry sedans are too small).

Sister Maria: Sorry to be the spoilsport again, but you drive a sedan. And Kitty would hate you.

A-L: Kitty who?

Sister Maria: The cat you left in Scotland. Remember her?

A-L: Vaguely. Was she the really affectionate one who lived to purr and be held?

Sister Maria: No, that was the cat you left in Sherman Oaks. Puppy was his name.

A-L: Oh yes, that's right. He was a little gem. Anyway, you're right, I have a sedan so I'm not qualified for the dog walking job. How about this -

Looking for a left handed person to demonstrate and sell product in our fun store, LEFTY'S SAN FRANCISCO on PIER 39- we cater to tourists who appreciate interaction and we require that you provide it--- very small store, you can't be the type to bounce off the wall in a small space--- resume not required, please respond with a letter telling me about your experiences as a left handed person and relevant retail selling background.

Sister Maria: Ummm, there are a couple of problems with this one, but I think I should let you work it out for yourself. I can't hold your hand, your right hand, through life. I know you'll find the right job for you.

A-L: You're totally right. And I've gotta go. I'm late for this -

Gay Mens Science Fiction Book Group Are you a gay man? Do you like science fiction? Are you interested in meeting new friends? Are you interested in talking about the books you read? Do you read one or more books a month? Can you come to a book club meeting once a month?

If you can say yes to these questions then please join our group! We are a small friendly informal social group. We meet on the second sunday of the month at Borderlands books. We will be discussing Queen of Angels by Greg Bear on Feb 8.

I'm Pretending This Blog is Facebook

These are my Facebook status changes:

A-L loves that when she calls her sister, who is now in the same time zone, the lady on the voice mail gives her the option 'to page this person', in case they have just travel(l)ed back to 1988.

A-L loves listening to Neutral Milk Hotel in her house in San Francisco across the street from Golden Gate Park.

A-L is wondering if you have heard that she is living in San Francisco?

A-L's mother is Finnish.

San Francisco - Day 6 (Sunday)

There's a windmill (?!) at the end of Golden Gate Park, right across from Ocean Beach (actually, there are two, but more on that later, maybe). I wandered down there on Sunday, and started talking to a man and woman who were dressed, as David Sedaris might say, like they had come to 'mow the lawns of San Francisco': comfortable white tennis shoes (trainers, for you foreigners out there in the Empire), circa 1989 sunglasses, and multiple layers of clothing.

A-L, standing under sign that says "Dutch Windmill": What is this thing? (Meaning: why is it here?)

Tourist man: It's a windmill.

A-L: Wow, you're right. (Meaning: Wow, what's wrong with you?) I wonder why it's here? (Meaning: Why is there a windmill in Golden Gate Park?)

Tourist lady: Well, windmills were usually built near water, to provide electricity.

A-L: Uh huh. (Meaning: Wow, what is wrong with you?) Maybe this sign will tell us something.

So tourist lady proceeded to read the sign to me, in case I can't read. Which was nice of her, I suppose, although she read a bit slowly, for a docent (that means guide, for you foreigners). The sign told us only who paid for the restoration, and not why there's a windmill in Golden Gate Park. So we're back to square one, and now I'm stuck talking to Tourist Man and Lady who think windmills are powered by water.

A-L: So, are you on vacation here?

Tourist Man: Yes, we're from Los Angeles. Where are you from?

A-L: It's a long story, but now I have a vaguely fake Scottish accent and I'm hoping it'll help me get a job at a British-themed pub. I came back to the U.S. because Obama got elected.

Tourist Man: He's just going to continue Bush's fiscal policies. Nothing's going to change. I've been briefed.

A-L: Perhaps you're right, but at least he's articulate and intelligent.

Tourist Man: As long as the tele-prompter is on.

Tourist Lady: That's right.

A-L: You said you've been 'briefed' on his policies. What do you do? Or would you have to kill me if you told me?

Tourist Man: Um, let's just say I'm a consultant.

A-L: Oh, you're unemployed too?

And that's the story of how I managed to find the only two Republicans within the San Francisco city limits, AND accidentally start a political conversation with them.

The End.