Saturday, September 29, 2007
Demotion
Telephone conversation with Pete...
Pete: Good morning, Pete Sandstrum
A-L: My name's not Pete Sandstrum. But good morning nonetheless. What's up?
Pete: Not much, just doing some paperwork.
A-L: Is that a code word for spider solitaire?
Pete: Hold on, one my seven phones is ringing.
Telephone conversation in the background...
Pete: Good morning, Pete Sandstrum.
(character off stage)
Pete: Yeah, hold on. I've got somebody on the other line. Let me lose that call.
Pete: Good morning, Pete Sandstrum
A-L: My name's not Pete Sandstrum. But good morning nonetheless. What's up?
Pete: Not much, just doing some paperwork.
A-L: Is that a code word for spider solitaire?
Pete: Hold on, one my seven phones is ringing.
Telephone conversation in the background...
Pete: Good morning, Pete Sandstrum.
(character off stage)
Pete: Yeah, hold on. I've got somebody on the other line. Let me lose that call.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Funftzen Minutes of Fame
Two weeks ago, telephone conversation with Sister Maria...
Maria: I'm so excited, more Germans are coming to the hotel.
A-L: Do you want me to get the heavy artillery?
Maria: What's wrong with you? You've been in Britain too long. Have you forgotten how much we love the Germans? Have you forgotten the wonderful childhood we had in Germany (sponsored by G.E.)?
A-L: No, Maria. Of course not. I still walk up to Germans and thank them for hosting us from 1979-1982, and for manufacturing gorgeous cars, and making kitchen cabinets that work. My new food processor is German. It's a work of art. So who are these Germans?
Maria: They're my colleague's clients. I can't wait to speak German to them. There'll be Germans everywhere at the hotel!
A-L: It's your fondest wish. I'm so jealous. Please tell all of them I say hello. Individually.
One week ago, telephone conversation with Peter:
Peter: Maria's going to be in that German T.V. show.
A-L: Maria who? Schriver?
Peter: No, the other Maria. The baby Irma and I had four years before you. The nice one.
A-L: OUR Maria? What German T.V. show?
Peter: She described it as a German version of The Love Boat. She had a speaking part. In German.
Two days ago, telephone conversation with Sister Maria...
Maria: Ohmigosh. You won't believe it. Remember I told you about the Germans who were descending on the hotel? Well, they were a production company. Filming a German T.V. show "Das Traumschiff", and I started speaking to them in German, and they gave me a very small part in this episode.
A-L: Old news. Peter already told me. But that's very cool.
Maria: I had to interrupt a meeting and say, "Herr Direktor Ludwig, Ich brauche sie dringend!". (Director Ludwig, I need you urgently.) They film the show in exotic locations all over the world, like Botswana, and Sri Lanka, and Indian Wells.
Yesterday, conversation with Ted...
A-L: My sister was an extra on a German T.V. show.
Blank look from Ted.
A-L: My sister works at a hotel, and there were...
Ted (interrupting): Oh, hotel. Very good. Where does your grandbrother work?
Maria: I'm so excited, more Germans are coming to the hotel.
A-L: Do you want me to get the heavy artillery?
Maria: What's wrong with you? You've been in Britain too long. Have you forgotten how much we love the Germans? Have you forgotten the wonderful childhood we had in Germany (sponsored by G.E.)?
A-L: No, Maria. Of course not. I still walk up to Germans and thank them for hosting us from 1979-1982, and for manufacturing gorgeous cars, and making kitchen cabinets that work. My new food processor is German. It's a work of art. So who are these Germans?
Maria: They're my colleague's clients. I can't wait to speak German to them. There'll be Germans everywhere at the hotel!
A-L: It's your fondest wish. I'm so jealous. Please tell all of them I say hello. Individually.
One week ago, telephone conversation with Peter:
Peter: Maria's going to be in that German T.V. show.
A-L: Maria who? Schriver?
Peter: No, the other Maria. The baby Irma and I had four years before you. The nice one.
A-L: OUR Maria? What German T.V. show?
Peter: She described it as a German version of The Love Boat. She had a speaking part. In German.
Two days ago, telephone conversation with Sister Maria...
Maria: Ohmigosh. You won't believe it. Remember I told you about the Germans who were descending on the hotel? Well, they were a production company. Filming a German T.V. show "Das Traumschiff", and I started speaking to them in German, and they gave me a very small part in this episode.
A-L: Old news. Peter already told me. But that's very cool.
Maria: I had to interrupt a meeting and say, "Herr Direktor Ludwig, Ich brauche sie dringend!". (Director Ludwig, I need you urgently.) They film the show in exotic locations all over the world, like Botswana, and Sri Lanka, and Indian Wells.
Yesterday, conversation with Ted...
A-L: My sister was an extra on a German T.V. show.
Blank look from Ted.
A-L: My sister works at a hotel, and there were...
Ted (interrupting): Oh, hotel. Very good. Where does your grandbrother work?
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Broken Ted
Outside the flat, Friday evening, after walking home from work I see Ted at the front door, struggling with the key...
A-L: Hi Ted. Are you ok? Why are you having trouble opening the door?
Ted (if he could speak fluent English): I have a gaping wound on my left thumb because the glass panelled door to my bedroom came off its tracks and fell towards me and sliced my thumb open.
Ted: Nothing. I am ok.
A-L: Ted, there's blood everywhere. Your thumb looks awful. We're going to the hospital.
Ted: No.
A-L: Yes, we're going to the hospital.
Ted: NO!
A-L: Umm, I'm in charge of you. Your mom said so. It's not your decision. We're going to the hospital. And, you're getting blood everywhere. Don't get blood on Kitty. She's Dry Clean Only.
Ted: No.
A-L: Ten minutes. Give me ten minutes and I'll be ready to go.
Ted: No.
Justyna and Chris (whose Polish name I can't spell) walk in. Justyna had been looking for Ted, who fled the scene when there were threats of going to the hospital. Chris had bandages with him.
Half an hour later, at Western General Hospital...
Paramedic: Hello, please come this way.
Chris, Ted and I walk over.
Paramedic: Um, do I need all three of you?
A-L: Yes. Ted doesn't speak English fluently, so Chris can translate into Polish, and I'm in charge.
Paramedic (to Ted): Where did this happen?
Ted: Polish.
Raucous laughter from Chris and A-L.
A-L: At our flat.
Paramedic (still making eye contact only with Ted): Are you allergic to any medication?
Ted: 32 years old.
More raucous laughter.
Chris translates, and it turns out Ted's severely allergic to bees. Or wasps. Which aren't strictly a 'medication' as such, but it's handy to know.
Two x-rays later, the verdict is there's no glass embedded in his hand. And then we all get a lesson in tendons (Ted's might be 'nicked', to quote the paramedic), and find out we have to go to the Royal Infirmary, where a hand specialist can look at it.
Chris explains this to Ted, who doesn't want to go to the Royal Infirmary. He doesn't want stitches. He doesn't want to miss work. Ted's on a temporary contract, and doesn't get paid for sick leave. We tell the paramedic that Ted is refusing. So he brings out a book that shows the tendon. And then tells us he's booked a taxi to take us there. The NHS is paying for the taxi. Chris tells Ted this news. And suddenly, Ted's fine with having to go to the Royal Infirmary.
Ted: Taxi, free?
More raucous laughter.
The waiting room at Accident & Emergency at the Royal Infirmary is full. Good thing I brought magazines. And an apple, which the three of us share. Two hours later, Dr. Zoe calls us through. Which leads to more explanations about why Ted has two 'minders' with him: Chris, who can helpfully translate into Polish, and then back to English, and A-L, who can loudly repeat what Dr. Zoe and/or Chris said.
Dr. Z numbs Ted's thumb, digs around a bit, and then calls for a second opinion from another doctor (who subsequently poked himself in the thumb with a needle, "for the first time in my career" - not while tending to Ted - but that's a whole new post), and then another doctor. They decide someone from 'ortho' needs to look at it. Or someone from 'plastics'. So Dr. Z walks out of the room.
Ted: Can we go?
More raucous laughter.
A-L: Ted, one more doctor.
So I divide my time eavesdropping on the 'situation' in the partition to the left of Ted's, where two policeman are questioning a man; the partition on the right of Ted's, where a girl with a 'strained muscle' is wasting the doctor's time, the NHS's money, and depriving someone who's really hurt of a room, because she wants crutches (she ends up being able to walk out of the hospital, unaided); and the doctor's station across from Ted, where the fumbly doctor who accidentally anesthetized his own thumb is on the phone explaining what happened.
And then Dr. Z reappears, doesn't mention the doctor from 'ortho' or 'plastics' who never showed up, and sets about fixing Ted's hand.
Three taxi rides, one apple, two magazines, two x-rays, four medical personnel (one now with a numb thumb), and nine stitches later, we're back at home. And this morning, Ted got up and went to work.
A-L: Hi Ted. Are you ok? Why are you having trouble opening the door?
Ted (if he could speak fluent English): I have a gaping wound on my left thumb because the glass panelled door to my bedroom came off its tracks and fell towards me and sliced my thumb open.
Ted: Nothing. I am ok.
A-L: Ted, there's blood everywhere. Your thumb looks awful. We're going to the hospital.
Ted: No.
A-L: Yes, we're going to the hospital.
Ted: NO!
A-L: Umm, I'm in charge of you. Your mom said so. It's not your decision. We're going to the hospital. And, you're getting blood everywhere. Don't get blood on Kitty. She's Dry Clean Only.
Ted: No.
A-L: Ten minutes. Give me ten minutes and I'll be ready to go.
Ted: No.
Justyna and Chris (whose Polish name I can't spell) walk in. Justyna had been looking for Ted, who fled the scene when there were threats of going to the hospital. Chris had bandages with him.
Half an hour later, at Western General Hospital...
Paramedic: Hello, please come this way.
Chris, Ted and I walk over.
Paramedic: Um, do I need all three of you?
A-L: Yes. Ted doesn't speak English fluently, so Chris can translate into Polish, and I'm in charge.
Paramedic (to Ted): Where did this happen?
Ted: Polish.
Raucous laughter from Chris and A-L.
A-L: At our flat.
Paramedic (still making eye contact only with Ted): Are you allergic to any medication?
Ted: 32 years old.
More raucous laughter.
Chris translates, and it turns out Ted's severely allergic to bees. Or wasps. Which aren't strictly a 'medication' as such, but it's handy to know.
Two x-rays later, the verdict is there's no glass embedded in his hand. And then we all get a lesson in tendons (Ted's might be 'nicked', to quote the paramedic), and find out we have to go to the Royal Infirmary, where a hand specialist can look at it.
Chris explains this to Ted, who doesn't want to go to the Royal Infirmary. He doesn't want stitches. He doesn't want to miss work. Ted's on a temporary contract, and doesn't get paid for sick leave. We tell the paramedic that Ted is refusing. So he brings out a book that shows the tendon. And then tells us he's booked a taxi to take us there. The NHS is paying for the taxi. Chris tells Ted this news. And suddenly, Ted's fine with having to go to the Royal Infirmary.
Ted: Taxi, free?
More raucous laughter.
The waiting room at Accident & Emergency at the Royal Infirmary is full. Good thing I brought magazines. And an apple, which the three of us share. Two hours later, Dr. Zoe calls us through. Which leads to more explanations about why Ted has two 'minders' with him: Chris, who can helpfully translate into Polish, and then back to English, and A-L, who can loudly repeat what Dr. Zoe and/or Chris said.
Dr. Z numbs Ted's thumb, digs around a bit, and then calls for a second opinion from another doctor (who subsequently poked himself in the thumb with a needle, "for the first time in my career" - not while tending to Ted - but that's a whole new post), and then another doctor. They decide someone from 'ortho' needs to look at it. Or someone from 'plastics'. So Dr. Z walks out of the room.
Ted: Can we go?
More raucous laughter.
A-L: Ted, one more doctor.
So I divide my time eavesdropping on the 'situation' in the partition to the left of Ted's, where two policeman are questioning a man; the partition on the right of Ted's, where a girl with a 'strained muscle' is wasting the doctor's time, the NHS's money, and depriving someone who's really hurt of a room, because she wants crutches (she ends up being able to walk out of the hospital, unaided); and the doctor's station across from Ted, where the fumbly doctor who accidentally anesthetized his own thumb is on the phone explaining what happened.
And then Dr. Z reappears, doesn't mention the doctor from 'ortho' or 'plastics' who never showed up, and sets about fixing Ted's hand.
Three taxi rides, one apple, two magazines, two x-rays, four medical personnel (one now with a numb thumb), and nine stitches later, we're back at home. And this morning, Ted got up and went to work.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
4 years old
Tomorrow is Aila's 4th birthday. In the immortal words of Sara Checkal, "can you even??" No. I can't.
A-L: Pete, can you believe Aila is going to be four years old?
Pete: Yes.
A-L: No, but can you believe it?? I mean, the time has flown by. She's been with us for four years. Can you believe it?
Pete: Yes. She was born in 2003. It's 2007.
A-L: No, you're not understanding. I know the numbers add up, it's just that I can't believe she's four already. She's a little girl.
Pete: Do you remember where you were on your fourth birthday?
A-L: Presumably with you and Irma and Maria?
Pete: Yes, but in which city?
A-L: Is it north and west of Walla Walla? It's not Othello, is it?
Pete: No, it's east, and slightly north of Walla Walla. (editor's note: I checked the latitude)
A-L: Do you have a cousin who lives there?
Pete: No.
A-L: That narrows it down. Give me a hint.
Pete: We were in Liege, Belgium, at the Holiday Inn. But it was a nice Holiday Inn.
A-L: That was my fifth birthday. I've always told people that I turned five in Beligum.
Pete: Nope, it was your fourth birthday. And how do you manage to slip that into conversation? "Oh, you're going to Dublin? Well, I turned four in Belgium."
A-L: Five. I turned five in Belgium. Where's Irma? She can verify.
Pete: I don't need Irma to verify this. I was there. I know how old you were. I was one of the people in charge of you at that time. And Irma's not here. Gosh, I can't believe it was so long ago. It seems like yesterday you were four years old.
A-L: It wasn't yesterday. It was 1980, when I turned five in Liege, and now it's 2007. It all adds up.
Pete: Happy Birthday Aila.
A-L: Pete, can you believe Aila is going to be four years old?
Pete: Yes.
A-L: No, but can you believe it?? I mean, the time has flown by. She's been with us for four years. Can you believe it?
Pete: Yes. She was born in 2003. It's 2007.
A-L: No, you're not understanding. I know the numbers add up, it's just that I can't believe she's four already. She's a little girl.
Pete: Do you remember where you were on your fourth birthday?
A-L: Presumably with you and Irma and Maria?
Pete: Yes, but in which city?
A-L: Is it north and west of Walla Walla? It's not Othello, is it?
Pete: No, it's east, and slightly north of Walla Walla. (editor's note: I checked the latitude)
A-L: Do you have a cousin who lives there?
Pete: No.
A-L: That narrows it down. Give me a hint.
Pete: We were in Liege, Belgium, at the Holiday Inn. But it was a nice Holiday Inn.
A-L: That was my fifth birthday. I've always told people that I turned five in Beligum.
Pete: Nope, it was your fourth birthday. And how do you manage to slip that into conversation? "Oh, you're going to Dublin? Well, I turned four in Belgium."
A-L: Five. I turned five in Belgium. Where's Irma? She can verify.
Pete: I don't need Irma to verify this. I was there. I know how old you were. I was one of the people in charge of you at that time. And Irma's not here. Gosh, I can't believe it was so long ago. It seems like yesterday you were four years old.
A-L: It wasn't yesterday. It was 1980, when I turned five in Liege, and now it's 2007. It all adds up.
Pete: Happy Birthday Aila.
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