2 days ago...
Maria: Why is the flag at the Civic Center at half mast?
A-L: James Brown died.
Maria: Was he from Coachella?
A-L: No, but he was the godfather of soul.
24 hours later...
Maria: I just heard that Gerald Ford died, in Rancho Mirage.
A-L: Oh, wow. I wonder if they'll put the flags at half mast for him too? How do they handle that situation, when two famous people die so closely together?
Maria: Maybe they'll put the flags at quarter mast.
A-L: Do you think James Brown would be annoyed if he knew that Gerald was stealing his thunder, as it were? I read in People magazine that they were bitter rivals.
Maria: Wasn't President Ford's wife an entrepreneur?
A-L: Yeah, she ran a chain of clinics.
Maria: Jenny Craig? She's quite a bit younger than President Ford.
another 24 hours later...
Maria: If you come meet me for lunch, be sure to avoid Miles Boulevard. It's closed for the memorial service.
A-L: James Brown's?
Friday, December 29, 2006
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Overheard
I'm staying at Maria and Hector's. The following phrases have been said in the last week:
"Don't put that in your mouth. That's not a straw. It's a pinwheel."
"Annais threw up on him."
"No, that's Puppy Puppet. Put Puppy Purse next to Bibbit."
"Did I tell you that Annais threw up on me at J.C. Penney?"
"Don't put that in your mouth. That's not a straw. It's a pinwheel."
"Annais threw up on him."
"No, that's Puppy Puppet. Put Puppy Purse next to Bibbit."
"Did I tell you that Annais threw up on me at J.C. Penney?"
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Philly
Pete: I've e-mailed you the itinerary for your flight home.
A-L: Yeah, I got an e-mail from you. But you sent the wrong itinerary
Pete: I just forwarded the one I received from United.
A-L: No, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have booked the itinerary I received.
Pete: No, I've double checked, it's the right one. Irma wanted you to pick up some German Christmas decorations in Frankfurt, and a Liberty Bell magnet for Maria in Philadelphia.
A-L: Oh, so that's why I have two stops between Edinburgh and Los Angeles. I thought it was a mistake.
Pete: No, no. I figured two and a half hours in Frankfurt was enough time to shop for decorations, and three hours in Philadelphia would give you plenty of time to buy the right magnet.
A-L: Yeah, I got an e-mail from you. But you sent the wrong itinerary
Pete: I just forwarded the one I received from United.
A-L: No, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have booked the itinerary I received.
Pete: No, I've double checked, it's the right one. Irma wanted you to pick up some German Christmas decorations in Frankfurt, and a Liberty Bell magnet for Maria in Philadelphia.
A-L: Oh, so that's why I have two stops between Edinburgh and Los Angeles. I thought it was a mistake.
Pete: No, no. I figured two and a half hours in Frankfurt was enough time to shop for decorations, and three hours in Philadelphia would give you plenty of time to buy the right magnet.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Auster-Doyle Rears Its Spooky Head
Back in the beginning of November the Publishing Ladies* were in Paris to celebrate Jess's birthday. One of the key Publishing Ladies was missing: the Irish-Belgian Abu Dhabi Gemma. (She's the one who suffers from Auster-Doyle syndrome. Which sometimes manifests itself as Auster-Doyle-Smith syndrome. See previous posts.) She's working in Abu Dhabi on a conference on human trafficking, and apparently couldn't sacrifice a weekend for frivolity in Paris.
So, on Saturday night we were out at a restaurant to fete the birthday girl, and who should be sitting at the table next to us? Yes, Paul Auster. Playing the role of Gemma. Coincidence? Perhaps. Probably not. Who knows? Not me.
So, we decided to do the "I'm from L.A. and I see celebrities all the time and I leave them alone" thing, so we took photos of each other, hoping that he'll appear in the background. I will certainly post them when they're developed. What if Roddy Doyle appears in the background?
*Ladies who have/have had a tenuous link to the publishing industry.
So, on Saturday night we were out at a restaurant to fete the birthday girl, and who should be sitting at the table next to us? Yes, Paul Auster. Playing the role of Gemma. Coincidence? Perhaps. Probably not. Who knows? Not me.
So, we decided to do the "I'm from L.A. and I see celebrities all the time and I leave them alone" thing, so we took photos of each other, hoping that he'll appear in the background. I will certainly post them when they're developed. What if Roddy Doyle appears in the background?
*Ladies who have/have had a tenuous link to the publishing industry.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Possessive-Definite Articles
Ted: What is the name of your friend, we went to Arthur's Seat?
A-L: My friend from Portland? Who came to visit? Gavin is his name.
And then Ted made a gesture, putting his hand to his heart, to indicate that Gavin is either:
a) one of his 'homies'
b) a really nice person
Ted: Gavin is a very good man.
A-L: Yes, he's very nice.
Ted: He's my the best friend.
A-L: Six months ago you told me that I was your the best friend.
Ted: I lied.
A-L: My friend from Portland? Who came to visit? Gavin is his name.
And then Ted made a gesture, putting his hand to his heart, to indicate that Gavin is either:
a) one of his 'homies'
b) a really nice person
Ted: Gavin is a very good man.
A-L: Yes, he's very nice.
Ted: He's my the best friend.
A-L: Six months ago you told me that I was your the best friend.
Ted: I lied.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Vocab
Franch: Ted's word for 'French' or 'France'. Or both, at once.
Usage note: "You go on holiday to Franch?"
Usage note: "You go on holiday to Franch?"
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
English Lesson 335
I've taught Ted the following song, which we (ok, I) sing almost every morning in the kitchen when I'm heading out to work, and he's coming back from the night shift, drenched:
Rain, rain
Go away
Come again
some other day
Rain, rain
Go away
Come again
some other day
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Family Friends
A couple months ago Aila was looking at pictures from Maria and Hector's wedding, and she saw me in the line-up. So this is what happened next...
Aila (pointing to A-L): Mommy, is that your friend Anna-Lisa?*
Maria: No, I don't know who that is. I think she was with the photographer.
Aila: But she visits us twice a year, and always stays about three days too long. I think Daddy said she was your sister.
Maria: I think you're mixing her up with someone. I'm an only child. I don't know that woman you're pointing at.
Aila: When I'm older, can I tell people I don't know who Annais is?
Annais: I already tell people that you're a family friend.
*this is the only factual line of the story.
Aila (pointing to A-L): Mommy, is that your friend Anna-Lisa?*
Maria: No, I don't know who that is. I think she was with the photographer.
Aila: But she visits us twice a year, and always stays about three days too long. I think Daddy said she was your sister.
Maria: I think you're mixing her up with someone. I'm an only child. I don't know that woman you're pointing at.
Aila: When I'm older, can I tell people I don't know who Annais is?
Annais: I already tell people that you're a family friend.
*this is the only factual line of the story.
More ESL Fun
So Ted's English continues to improve. This of course takes some of the fun out of living with him, but there are still a few gems that crop up now and again. The other day, Ted confused 'barbeque' and 'manicure'. How these words have crept into his vocabulary I'm not sure, but the fact that he switched them delighted all within earshot.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Hallowe'en Report
It's a bit late, but my reporter in the field, Sister Maria, had many other stories to file before this one came through:
Aila went Trick-or-Treating with Hector. She said Thank you every time she got candy - they made to three houses then she said: "Ok Daddy, I'm ready to go home"
Meanwhile, back at the ranch Annais was handing out fistfuls of candy to all of the kids. As they walked away, she would grab another fistful and call out to the children as if to say "Hey, there's more!" I would then ask her to put the candy back in the bowl and close the door. Instead, she would throw the candy out onto the front porch and then close the door.
Thank you Sister Maria.
Aila went Trick-or-Treating with Hector. She said Thank you every time she got candy - they made to three houses then she said: "Ok Daddy, I'm ready to go home"
Meanwhile, back at the ranch Annais was handing out fistfuls of candy to all of the kids. As they walked away, she would grab another fistful and call out to the children as if to say "Hey, there's more!" I would then ask her to put the candy back in the bowl and close the door. Instead, she would throw the candy out onto the front porch and then close the door.
Thank you Sister Maria.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
English Lessons via T.V.
On Sunday Ted was watching Smokey and the Bandit.
A-L: Hi Ted. Oh, it's Burt Reynolds.
Ted: Yes, Alabama.
The End.
A-L: Hi Ted. Oh, it's Burt Reynolds.
Ted: Yes, Alabama.
The End.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Ted's Holiday
I'll set the scene for you ... Ted is leaning out the living room window, which he calls his "office", and smoking.
A-L: Are you looking forward to your holiday?
Ted: Holiday?? (and then his face lights up) Holiday in four weeks.
I'll take that as a 'yes'.
A-L: Are you looking forward to your holiday?
Ted: Holiday?? (and then his face lights up) Holiday in four weeks.
I'll take that as a 'yes'.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Geography
A-L: Gemma's moving to Abu Dhabi.
Norette: Is that another prison that you Americans have opened?
A-L: No, it's a city, I think. She's moving there for a job.
Norette: Prison guard?
A-L: No, I don't think it's prison work. It's a city. I think she's doing something UN-related.
Norette: Ummm, where is Abu Dhabi?
A-L: Oh Norette, you're so silly. Uh, I have no idea.
Norette: It sounds like it's near Dubai.
Norette: Is that another prison that you Americans have opened?
A-L: No, it's a city, I think. She's moving there for a job.
Norette: Prison guard?
A-L: No, I don't think it's prison work. It's a city. I think she's doing something UN-related.
Norette: Ummm, where is Abu Dhabi?
A-L: Oh Norette, you're so silly. Uh, I have no idea.
Norette: It sounds like it's near Dubai.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Muchas Congratulations
Dear Cousin John, *NEW* Cousin-in-law Britt, Caroline and Dave,
I was thinking about you all this weekend as you were getting married. I would have loved to have been in Portland and Reno on Saturday.
Happy honeymooning.
A-L
I was thinking about you all this weekend as you were getting married. I would have loved to have been in Portland and Reno on Saturday.
Happy honeymooning.
A-L
Friday, September 08, 2006
We Bring Good Things to Life
At Heathrow, returning to Edinburgh, checking in for the flight...
A-L to two Germans in line in front of her: Oh, it's so lovely to hear German. (auf Deutsch)
German A: Really? No one ever says that.
A-L: Hearing the German language brings back wonderful childhood memories.
German B: Yes, people do not usually like the German language.
A-L: I do. (and then I sneezed.)
German B: Gesundheit.
A-L: Danke. British people don't usually say 'bless you' or 'gesundheit'.
German A: I have heard that the new business etiquette is to not say 'Gesundheit' if someone sneezes during a meeting because it disrupts the meeting, especially if someone sneezes several times, and everyone in the room says 'Gesundheit'. And nowadays so many people have allergies, that a lot of company time could be wasted extending blessings to colleagues.
A-L: I suppose it's not very efficient. Are you here on business?
German A: Yes.
A-L: What do you do?
German B: We work for G.E. in Frankfurt.
A-L: What??? You do??? Ohmigosh, my dad worked at G.E. in Frankfurt!! That's so exciting!! Ohmigosh. (all in a faux German accent, I think)
German A: What division did your father work for?
A-L: Uhh, he carried a briefcase, wore a trenchcoat, and travelled to Moscow a lot.
German B: Was he a spy?
A-L: Yes, for G.E.'s medical division.
German A: We work for G.E. Corporate Finance, but we are in the building your father would have worked in.
A-L: Wow! My heart is palpitating. I have to sit down. G.E. sponsored my happy childhood memories of Germany. They really do bring good things to life.
German B: Uh, nice to meet you, I think. Good bye.
A-L: Aufwiedersehen (again, in faux German accent)
A-L to two Germans in line in front of her: Oh, it's so lovely to hear German. (auf Deutsch)
German A: Really? No one ever says that.
A-L: Hearing the German language brings back wonderful childhood memories.
German B: Yes, people do not usually like the German language.
A-L: I do. (and then I sneezed.)
German B: Gesundheit.
A-L: Danke. British people don't usually say 'bless you' or 'gesundheit'.
German A: I have heard that the new business etiquette is to not say 'Gesundheit' if someone sneezes during a meeting because it disrupts the meeting, especially if someone sneezes several times, and everyone in the room says 'Gesundheit'. And nowadays so many people have allergies, that a lot of company time could be wasted extending blessings to colleagues.
A-L: I suppose it's not very efficient. Are you here on business?
German A: Yes.
A-L: What do you do?
German B: We work for G.E. in Frankfurt.
A-L: What??? You do??? Ohmigosh, my dad worked at G.E. in Frankfurt!! That's so exciting!! Ohmigosh. (all in a faux German accent, I think)
German A: What division did your father work for?
A-L: Uhh, he carried a briefcase, wore a trenchcoat, and travelled to Moscow a lot.
German B: Was he a spy?
A-L: Yes, for G.E.'s medical division.
German A: We work for G.E. Corporate Finance, but we are in the building your father would have worked in.
A-L: Wow! My heart is palpitating. I have to sit down. G.E. sponsored my happy childhood memories of Germany. They really do bring good things to life.
German B: Uh, nice to meet you, I think. Good bye.
A-L: Aufwiedersehen (again, in faux German accent)
Friday, August 25, 2006
Feline Marketing
So, with an ad posted online, Ted, Kitty and I were officially looking for a new flatmate.
Below are some snippets from the responses (and what I wanted to reply):
"cat loving female and hamster in search of happy animal loving flatmates"
(Oh purrfect. Cats and hamsters are natural allies in the wild. And I was trying to think of a way for Kitty to contract rabies.)
"I am 28 years old, a non-smoker and experienced in catcare."
(The cat doesn't need a babysitter. Back off, lady.)
"Are you possibly swedish too?"
(Isn't everyone. They call Stockholm the cradle of civilisation, do they not?)
"Adore cats."
(She's not for sale. Back off, lady.)
Below are some snippets from the responses (and what I wanted to reply):
"cat loving female and hamster in search of happy animal loving flatmates"
(Oh purrfect. Cats and hamsters are natural allies in the wild. And I was trying to think of a way for Kitty to contract rabies.)
"I am 28 years old, a non-smoker and experienced in catcare."
(The cat doesn't need a babysitter. Back off, lady.)
"Are you possibly swedish too?"
(Isn't everyone. They call Stockholm the cradle of civilisation, do they not?)
"Adore cats."
(She's not for sale. Back off, lady.)
Seeking
Our team is losing one of its members. The Scottish team member is moving on. So Ted and I have been on the lookout for a suitable replacement. A new flatmate. No small task. We thought the best place to start was the internet: that link to weirdos worldwide. With the click of a button you can invite a Swedish sociopath into your home. Or a Finnish one. As I did.
So we posted an ad on www.gumtree.com.
What does this say about us? Seasoned renters knows that "spacious" means "mildew in the bathroom", and that mentioning the presence of a cat in the headline is a bit, well, crazy cat ladyish...
What do the following ads from gumtree say about their posters?
"Lovely Double Room in quiet flat"
Translation: No closet space AND boring flatmates
"Looking for 6 people to share fab flat 10m from centre"
Translation: Who needs a bedroom with windows?
"Double room (single and double bed) for 2/3 people available from Sept 12th"
Translation: Fractions are lame. And, it's totally cool to share a room with two/thirds other people when you're 25.
"Large double room for couple in house share with South African, Brit, and cute spaniel."
Question: Is it ok to refer to Spaniards that way?
"Are you Irish, Australian, South African, Canadian or a New Zealander click here"
Translation: No Americans.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Progress
A telephone conversation with Ted one year ago...
Ted: Hello?
A-L: Hi Ted, it's Anna-Lisa, how are you?
Ted: Anna-Lisa not home.
A-L: This is Anna-Lisa.
Ted: Sorry, Anna-Lisa not home.
A-L: I know Ted, don't you regonize my voice? It's Anna-Lisa.
Ted: Sorry, I do not speak English. I do not understand. Anna-Lisa not home.
A-L: She's with me. I'll tell her I called.
................
A telephone conversation with Ted last week...
Ted: Hello?
A-L: Hi Ted, it's Anna-Lisa.
Ted: Anna-Lisa, where are you? I have day off. What are you doing?
A-L: I am in town. I will be home late. Can you please feed Kitty?
Ted: No problem. Food?
A-L: Yes Ted, please feed her food.
Ted: Hello?
A-L: Hi Ted, it's Anna-Lisa, how are you?
Ted: Anna-Lisa not home.
A-L: This is Anna-Lisa.
Ted: Sorry, Anna-Lisa not home.
A-L: I know Ted, don't you regonize my voice? It's Anna-Lisa.
Ted: Sorry, I do not speak English. I do not understand. Anna-Lisa not home.
A-L: She's with me. I'll tell her I called.
................
A telephone conversation with Ted last week...
Ted: Hello?
A-L: Hi Ted, it's Anna-Lisa.
Ted: Anna-Lisa, where are you? I have day off. What are you doing?
A-L: I am in town. I will be home late. Can you please feed Kitty?
Ted: No problem. Food?
A-L: Yes Ted, please feed her food.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Totally Famous
Ok, so, I'm in print. Well, I'M not in print, but I make a cameo appearance in a column.
Here's the link:
Notebook, by Sam Leith
Did you read it?
I'm the one who "retreated", I think. And I was looking at Jasper Fforde books with him. My 15 minutes are up.
Here's the link:
Notebook, by Sam Leith
Did you read it?
I'm the one who "retreated", I think. And I was looking at Jasper Fforde books with him. My 15 minutes are up.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Air Guitar
Last night a journalist started telling a few of us that a few years back he competed in the Air Guitar Championships. He placed fourth.
Questions from the group:
Do the musicians warm up?
Do the airlines ever lose guitars?
We laughed. It was light-hearted. And then foolishly I said, "I wish I had a column. I'd write about it." And the journalist/air guitarist turned to me and said, "I already wrote about it."
Oh, ok.
Questions from the group:
Do the musicians warm up?
Do the airlines ever lose guitars?
We laughed. It was light-hearted. And then foolishly I said, "I wish I had a column. I'd write about it." And the journalist/air guitarist turned to me and said, "I already wrote about it."
Oh, ok.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Multiple Choice
Dear Readers,
A little quiz.
Which of these phrases did I write in an e-mail today:
a. I can provide a price quote for you on 300 copies of that title.
b. I'd like to schedule an appointment to meet with you in Frankfurt.
c. Leave it to the Russians to ruin a weekend in Leipzig.
A little quiz.
Which of these phrases did I write in an e-mail today:
a. I can provide a price quote for you on 300 copies of that title.
b. I'd like to schedule an appointment to meet with you in Frankfurt.
c. Leave it to the Russians to ruin a weekend in Leipzig.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Names have been changed to protect the, uh, people who need protecting
At a friend's party...
Betty: Hi, I'm A-L.
Ian: Hi, I'm Ian. How do you know Kelly?
Betty: I studied with her. But now I work at XYZ Inc.
Ian: Oh, you work at XYZ??
Betty: Yes.
Ian: Then you'll know me.*
Betty: Sorry, what's your name?
Ian: It's Ian. You'll know me, if you work at XYZ.
Betty: Uh, sorry, I don't know you. What's your surname?
Ian: It's Wilson. I'm Ian Wilson. I'M Ian Wilson.
Betty: Sorry, I don't know you.
Ian: Well, you will if you work at XYZ. I run an organisation based here. Sooner or later I'll call you and ask you to do something for me.
Betty: I work in export.
Ian: Oh, everyone at XYZ does stuff for me. I know Margaret. I always call her. So sooner or later I'll call you and ask you to send me some information.
Betty: I work in export.
Ian: I'll e-mail you if I need some graphics, or pricing info.
(And then I said this in my head...)
Betty: I work in export. You're based in Edinburgh. We're based in Edinburgh. We don't export from Edinburgh to Edinburgh.
*He actually said this. True story. It's my new favourite line: "Then you'll know me."
Betty: Hi, I'm A-L.
Ian: Hi, I'm Ian. How do you know Kelly?
Betty: I studied with her. But now I work at XYZ Inc.
Ian: Oh, you work at XYZ??
Betty: Yes.
Ian: Then you'll know me.*
Betty: Sorry, what's your name?
Ian: It's Ian. You'll know me, if you work at XYZ.
Betty: Uh, sorry, I don't know you. What's your surname?
Ian: It's Wilson. I'm Ian Wilson. I'M Ian Wilson.
Betty: Sorry, I don't know you.
Ian: Well, you will if you work at XYZ. I run an organisation based here. Sooner or later I'll call you and ask you to do something for me.
Betty: I work in export.
Ian: Oh, everyone at XYZ does stuff for me. I know Margaret. I always call her. So sooner or later I'll call you and ask you to send me some information.
Betty: I work in export.
Ian: I'll e-mail you if I need some graphics, or pricing info.
(And then I said this in my head...)
Betty: I work in export. You're based in Edinburgh. We're based in Edinburgh. We don't export from Edinburgh to Edinburgh.
*He actually said this. True story. It's my new favourite line: "Then you'll know me."
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Banjos, GPS and "illin' steez"
Via Messenger:
A-L: Hi Caroline. I miss you. What’s happening? I need some material for my blog.
Caroline: Hi. I miss you too. Nothing is happening.
A-L: I don’t believe you. You’re planning a wedding.
Caroline: Honestly. Nothing’s happening. We had to re-shoot our engagement photos because our photographer lost our originals. And our violinist flaked out but we found another one.
A-L: I had no idea there was such a thing as a flaky violinist. What about a fiddler? My dad says it’s a violin when you’re sellin’, and a fiddle when you’re buyin’. Or dueling banjos?
Caroline: And a family friend gave us a welcome mat with our latitude and longitude coordinates on it.
A-L: Wow. I didn’t know Macys sold those. How many did you register for?
Caroline: And
A-L: Except global positioning doormats. They have a Macy’s in
Caroline: The fiddler. And I got a free tote bag for registering for twelve 5-piece place settings.
A-L: Are you giving it away as a door prize at the reception? Or is it the “new” of the “something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue”?
Caroline: No, it’s the “something blue”. And our photographer kept telling us to nuzzle and kiss in front of the camera. Which is not Dave's steez exactly. I mean, that's not how we roll on camera. You can quote me.
A-L: Is that why the photographer destroyed the negatives? And what’s ‘steez’? Is that appropriate for a family audience? My mom and dad read my blog. That’s not
Caroline: It means “style”. Like “illin steez”.
A-L: Woah Caroline, I think we’ve drifted.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Scottish Sofa Cats
I had heard of Portuguese Water Dogs, but I was stunned to learn this week about Norwegian Forest Cats. I love the idea of animals having a nationality.
And then today, as if on cue, Ted said, "Kitty is Scottish."
If you insist, Ted, on ascribing human characteristics to an animal. A bit childish, don't you think, I asked Kitty.
And then today, as if on cue, Ted said, "Kitty is Scottish."
If you insist, Ted, on ascribing human characteristics to an animal. A bit childish, don't you think, I asked Kitty.
If you happen to be in West Hollywood on the 14th August...
Don't miss Amy Cochet on August 14th in her comeback solo performance entitled:Oh Mama!
Amy Cochet has been quite busy since her last one woman show when she raised money to attend the prestigious Cabaret Conference at Yale. After starting a new career, having a baby, and surviving the first year of motherhood, Amy returns to the Gardenia in her new show entitled, Oh Mama! Join Amy, and her musical director, Ron Snyder, for a look at the life changing experience of becoming a parent and bringing up baby.The Gardenia
7066 Santa Monica Blvd.
West Hollywood, CA 90038
(reservations recommended for show, required for dinner)
(323) 467-7444
Monday, August 14th.
SHOWTIME: 9:00 PM
Gardenia serves dinner starting at 7:00 PM.
$15 dollar cover (Cabaret West members 2 for 1) and a 2 drink minimum.
Monday, July 24, 2006
What I've learned
I've learned that when you're in Amsterdam you should probably go to the Anne Frank House instead of going to the Pancake House next door.
What have you learned, dear reader? Talk to me.
What have you learned, dear reader? Talk to me.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Vindication (and talking cats)
A-L: Remember when that lady told me on my 30th birthday that I looked like I was over 30?
Kitty: Uh, no.
A-L: Well she did. And I'll never shop at Albertsons again.
Kitty: What's Albertsons?
A-L: Well, I must be getting younger, because TWO people asked me if I was 21 at the Chicago Airport.
Kitty: Were they drunk?
A-L: No, they were working the desk at the United lounge.
Kitty: Why were they asking you how old you are? Were you drinking?
A-L: No, they asked if I wanted drink coupons, and of course I said yes.
Kitty: Did you use the coupons?
A-L: No, you're getting off track. The point of the story was that TWO people thought I was under 21.
Kitty: So does that mean you look 42?
A-L: This is the last time you're appearing in dialogue. And Caroline's cats are more affectionate than you.
Kitty: Uh, no.
A-L: Well she did. And I'll never shop at Albertsons again.
Kitty: What's Albertsons?
A-L: Well, I must be getting younger, because TWO people asked me if I was 21 at the Chicago Airport.
Kitty: Were they drunk?
A-L: No, they were working the desk at the United lounge.
Kitty: Why were they asking you how old you are? Were you drinking?
A-L: No, they asked if I wanted drink coupons, and of course I said yes.
Kitty: Did you use the coupons?
A-L: No, you're getting off track. The point of the story was that TWO people thought I was under 21.
Kitty: So does that mean you look 42?
A-L: This is the last time you're appearing in dialogue. And Caroline's cats are more affectionate than you.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Delayed Response
And then my sister replied to Aila.
Maria: No, those are your great-great fairy godmothers.
True story. Not really.
Maria: No, those are your great-great fairy godmothers.
True story. Not really.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Reunion Mania
Yes we had water bottles at our family reunion. Doesn't everyone? The label is above. So I brought a bottle home from the reunion for Maria. And then young Aila saw the water bottle.Aila: Mom, who are these people?
Maria: They're you're ancestors. It's your great-great grandmother and your great-great grandfather.
... 4 days later
Aila (holding the "Holloway" water bottle): Mom, are these my fairy godmothers?
True story. Sponsored by Disney.
Syrian Restaurant
Today a colleague and I went to Palmyra Pizza for lunch. I was so looking forward to a Humus Falafel. The place looked closed. Lights low. Sign at the door says:
I read this sign as:
It's 12:45, I'm hungry. I know the guy who runs the place. Saw him inside. Knocked on the door.
Guy Who Runs the Place: Hi. We're closed, but if you're getting take-away I'll serve you.
A-L: Great. Your sign confused me. I thought it said you were open 12 - 2pm.
GWRTP: No, we open at 2pm on Fridays.
A-L to colleague: He's Syrian, but he's friends with me even though I'm American.
GWRTP: I hate your President, not you.
A-L: Yeah, that's ok. Why do you open at 2pm on Fridays?
GWRTP: We have Friday prayers at 1 o'clock, but that's fine, I'll make your falafel first.
Oops.
Open 12 pm
Fridays Open 2pm
I read this sign as:
Open 12 - 2 pm.
It's 12:45, I'm hungry. I know the guy who runs the place. Saw him inside. Knocked on the door.
Guy Who Runs the Place: Hi. We're closed, but if you're getting take-away I'll serve you.
A-L: Great. Your sign confused me. I thought it said you were open 12 - 2pm.
GWRTP: No, we open at 2pm on Fridays.
A-L to colleague: He's Syrian, but he's friends with me even though I'm American.
GWRTP: I hate your President, not you.
A-L: Yeah, that's ok. Why do you open at 2pm on Fridays?
GWRTP: We have Friday prayers at 1 o'clock, but that's fine, I'll make your falafel first.
Oops.
From Kilted Poles to Dyslexia
Ok, new topic: Dyslexia.
Some facts:
Some facts:
- It is estimated that about one person in ten is dyslexic.
- dyslexia can be caused by inherited factors, and/or hearing problems at an early age.
- is often accompanied by left-handedness somewhere in the family
- the brains of dyslexic children show an unusual variation in left- and right-side activity (Source: http://www.dyslexia-parent.com/mag24.html)
- more males than females are affected (Source: http://www.dyslexic.org.uk/aboutdyslexia.htm)
From http://www.dyslexia-test.com/adults.html:
FREE DYSLEXIA PRE-TEST
If you answer 'Yes' to five or more of these questions, then you may be dyslexic, and our Dyslexia Test for Adults will give you a clear assessment:
- When writing checks/cheques, do you frequently find yourself making mistakes?
- When using the telephone, do you tend to get the numbers mixed up when you dial?
- Is your spelling poor?
- Do you mix up dates and times and miss appointments?
- Do you find forms difficult and confusing?
- Do you find it difficult to take messages on the telephone and pass them on correctly?
- Do you mix up bus numbers like 95 and 59?
- Do you find it difficult to say the months of the year forward in a fluent manner?
- Did you find it hard to learn your multiplication tables at school?
- Do you take longer than you should to read a page of a book?
- Do you find difficulty in telling left from right?
- When you have to say a long word, do you sometimes find it difficult to get all the sounds in the right order?
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Dress Up
Judy and Gerry were here in May, having just been at a wedding. What a coincidence that Gerry and Ted are the same height.So the only thing to do was to dress up Ted as a Scotsman. Tailoring by Gerry.
240 Watts
Bev: It looks like Kitty is plugged in.A-L: She is.
Bev: Really?
A-L: That's how we get her eyes to glow so beautifully.
Kitty Care (cubed)
I was a tad worried about leaving Kitty for 18 days, given that the last time I went home she mysteriously broke her foot. So, dear reader, this time I employed a strategy that I like to call "the triple plant." This is how it works:
A-L: Stuart, can you watch Kitty while I'm gone?
Stuart: Sure.
A-L: You need to give her fresh water every day, change the litter and feed her in the morning and at night.
Stuart: No problem.
A-L: If anything happens to her, I hold you personally responsible.
...
Three hours later...
A-L: Ted, I'm going to California for 18 days. Can you take care of Kitty?
Ted: No problem.
A-L: You need to give her fresh water every day, change the litter and feed her in the morning and at night.
Ted: No problem.
A-L: If anything happens to her, I hold you personally responsible.
...
Twenty minutes later...
A-L: Paul, can you watch Kitty while I'm at home?
Paul: Sure, I think I'll be here most of the time.
A-L: Cool. I think Stuart's going to check in on her as well, but if you can make sure she's ok, that would be great.
Paul: No problem.
And then I gave him a look that said, "If anything happens to her, I hold you personally responsible."
...
And while I was gone, Ted dropped a marble slab on his foot and was off work for 5 days. But Kitty is fine. And now she expects to be fed six times a day.
A-L: Stuart, can you watch Kitty while I'm gone?
Stuart: Sure.
A-L: You need to give her fresh water every day, change the litter and feed her in the morning and at night.
Stuart: No problem.
A-L: If anything happens to her, I hold you personally responsible.
...
Three hours later...
A-L: Ted, I'm going to California for 18 days. Can you take care of Kitty?
Ted: No problem.
A-L: You need to give her fresh water every day, change the litter and feed her in the morning and at night.
Ted: No problem.
A-L: If anything happens to her, I hold you personally responsible.
...
Twenty minutes later...
A-L: Paul, can you watch Kitty while I'm at home?
Paul: Sure, I think I'll be here most of the time.
A-L: Cool. I think Stuart's going to check in on her as well, but if you can make sure she's ok, that would be great.
Paul: No problem.
And then I gave him a look that said, "If anything happens to her, I hold you personally responsible."
...
And while I was gone, Ted dropped a marble slab on his foot and was off work for 5 days. But Kitty is fine. And now she expects to be fed six times a day.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Itinerary
Peter: We have to get up at 4:30 tomorrow morning.
A-L: You can't possibly be talking to me.
Peter: The airport is very busy on Monday mornings.
A-L: So busy that I have to arrive three hours before my flight to Colorado Springs?
Peter: Colorado Springs? Is that one of the seven airports in London?
A-L: No, it's a town in Colorado. I have a layover there on the way to Chicago.
Peter: Chicago? Is there a jazz festival going on?
A-L: At the airport? I don't think so. I have a layover there on the way to London. Before my flight to Edinburgh.
Peter: Are you sure you don't want to stop in a couple more cities before you head home? Who booked this flight?
A-L: You did initially, but I changed it. Why do you ask?
Peter: It's a bit of a rookie move to fly through Colorado Springs on a Monday in July, don't you think? Everyone knows they have lightening storms in that part of the country in the summer.
A-L: The lightening storms start at 3pm. You could set your watch by them. I'm landing there at 11am.
Peter: Yeah, but if there are storms in Denver they route all those planes to Colorado Springs. So you could actually get stuck in Colorado Springs. Which would be ok, if you were one of the those weird stormchasers.
A-L: Stuck forever, in Colorado Springs?
Peter: It's not impossible. And it's the price you'll pay for changing a flight I booked.
A-L: Well, if you'll look at Exhibit A, the itinerary for the original flight you booked, the defendant was left with a 9-hour layover in Chicago. On a Monday, in July. Definitely a rookie move.
Peter: I have your confirmation number. I could route the defendant through Philly.
A-L: You can't possibly be talking to me.
Peter: The airport is very busy on Monday mornings.
A-L: So busy that I have to arrive three hours before my flight to Colorado Springs?
Peter: Colorado Springs? Is that one of the seven airports in London?
A-L: No, it's a town in Colorado. I have a layover there on the way to Chicago.
Peter: Chicago? Is there a jazz festival going on?
A-L: At the airport? I don't think so. I have a layover there on the way to London. Before my flight to Edinburgh.
Peter: Are you sure you don't want to stop in a couple more cities before you head home? Who booked this flight?
A-L: You did initially, but I changed it. Why do you ask?
Peter: It's a bit of a rookie move to fly through Colorado Springs on a Monday in July, don't you think? Everyone knows they have lightening storms in that part of the country in the summer.
A-L: The lightening storms start at 3pm. You could set your watch by them. I'm landing there at 11am.
Peter: Yeah, but if there are storms in Denver they route all those planes to Colorado Springs. So you could actually get stuck in Colorado Springs. Which would be ok, if you were one of the those weird stormchasers.
A-L: Stuck forever, in Colorado Springs?
Peter: It's not impossible. And it's the price you'll pay for changing a flight I booked.
A-L: Well, if you'll look at Exhibit A, the itinerary for the original flight you booked, the defendant was left with a 9-hour layover in Chicago. On a Monday, in July. Definitely a rookie move.
Peter: I have your confirmation number. I could route the defendant through Philly.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Science Class with Aila
Just some excerpts from Aila from the last couple weeks...
Aila to Irma: Do you know what comes out of a volcano?
Irma: What?
Aila: Lava. And magma. It's hot. Don't touch it.
...
Aila to A-L: Don't touch cicadas.
A-L: What's a cicada?
Aila: It's a bug. Don't touch them, they're expensive.
...
Aila to Man in the pool: Don't take the candy from hell.
Man: Oh, ok.
A-L to Man: "Candy from hell" means drugs.
Maria to A-L: That's my little holy roller.
...
Annais: Eow. (read: Meow.)
Aila to Irma: Do you know what comes out of a volcano?
Irma: What?
Aila: Lava. And magma. It's hot. Don't touch it.
...
Aila to A-L: Don't touch cicadas.
A-L: What's a cicada?
Aila: It's a bug. Don't touch them, they're expensive.
...
Aila to Man in the pool: Don't take the candy from hell.
Man: Oh, ok.
A-L to Man: "Candy from hell" means drugs.
Maria to A-L: That's my little holy roller.
...
Annais: Eow. (read: Meow.)
Thursday, July 13, 2006
MannBowles Wedding Mania - Part Deux
Just to clarify, Caroline hates Gerber daisies, not daisies.
So, the wedding gifts were moved off the bed in the guest room and downstairs to a display area. Mucho pewter. Mucho.
Caroline: This is only half the pewter.
A-L: Wow. That's a lot of pewter.
Caroline: And these dishes are Denby.
A-L: Wow. They're beautiful.
Caroline: Dave picked them out. They're English.
A-L: They look Scandinavian. Did I tell you my mom's from Finland?
Caroline: They're English. Denby is English. And this is our flatware. (Hands me a serving spoon.)
A-L: Wow. Very beautiful.
Caroline: It's stainless, not sterling.
A-L: I won't tell anyone.
So, the wedding gifts were moved off the bed in the guest room and downstairs to a display area. Mucho pewter. Mucho.
Caroline: This is only half the pewter.
A-L: Wow. That's a lot of pewter.
Caroline: And these dishes are Denby.
A-L: Wow. They're beautiful.
Caroline: Dave picked them out. They're English.
A-L: They look Scandinavian. Did I tell you my mom's from Finland?
Caroline: They're English. Denby is English. And this is our flatware. (Hands me a serving spoon.)
A-L: Wow. Very beautiful.
Caroline: It's stainless, not sterling.
A-L: I won't tell anyone.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Bowles-Ball, But Not - Part 1
So I'm staying at Dave and Caroline's place in Portland (see Hyphenations, Thursday March 02, 2006). The wedding is in September, so they are mid-wedding mania. I arrived on Sunday night as Caroline was flipping through magazines looking for bouquet and flower arrangement ideas.
Caroline: We were going to put you in the guest room, but it looks like a wedding shower threw up in there. (Leads me upstairs and shows me guest bed filled with wedding gifts.)
A-L: That's fine. I'll sleep in the hot tub.
Caroline: That's where I'm keeping bridal magazines.
A-L: The dining room table?
Caroline: That's the invitation addressing and stamping station.
A-L: That's ok. I'll stay up all night and look at bouquet ideas.
Caroline: Great. I'm meeting the florist tomorrow, so I want to show her some arrangements I like.
A-L: What are you looking for?
Caroline: I don't like spikey, or daisies, or cheap looking roses. I'd like a bouquet of flowers that are in season.
A-L: Wow, these are pretty.
Caroline: Those are (insert latin flower name), they're Spring flowers.
A-L: Oh. Well, these are pretty too.
Caroline: Spring flowers. We're getting married in September.
A-L: Oh. Uhh, what about tulips. My sister had those.
Caroline: Spring. Tulips are born in the Spring. We're getting married in the Fall.
A-L: Oh. Uhh, what's born in the Fall?
Caroline: (Insert latin flower names) are Fall flowers.
A-L: You could carry an ear of corn. And some wheat.
Caroline: I don't like spikey arrangements.
Caroline: We were going to put you in the guest room, but it looks like a wedding shower threw up in there. (Leads me upstairs and shows me guest bed filled with wedding gifts.)
A-L: That's fine. I'll sleep in the hot tub.
Caroline: That's where I'm keeping bridal magazines.
A-L: The dining room table?
Caroline: That's the invitation addressing and stamping station.
A-L: That's ok. I'll stay up all night and look at bouquet ideas.
Caroline: Great. I'm meeting the florist tomorrow, so I want to show her some arrangements I like.
A-L: What are you looking for?
Caroline: I don't like spikey, or daisies, or cheap looking roses. I'd like a bouquet of flowers that are in season.
A-L: Wow, these are pretty.
Caroline: Those are (insert latin flower name), they're Spring flowers.
A-L: Oh. Well, these are pretty too.
Caroline: Spring flowers. We're getting married in September.
A-L: Oh. Uhh, what about tulips. My sister had those.
Caroline: Spring. Tulips are born in the Spring. We're getting married in the Fall.
A-L: Oh. Uhh, what's born in the Fall?
Caroline: (Insert latin flower names) are Fall flowers.
A-L: You could carry an ear of corn. And some wheat.
Caroline: I don't like spikey arrangements.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Update (via Portland)
Polish Flatmate Ted finally made it back to Poland to visit his family, after a year and a half absence. He traveled home for his daughter Angela's first communion this May. Three weeks later Ted returned to Edinburgh with 330 kilos of Polish meat. He's currently working nights cleaning at the Sheraton, and mornings cleaning at Zizzi. In his free time he's learning verb conjugation, and eating Polish meat.
Scottish Flatmate Paul passed his third year exams and will start fourth year at Edinburgh Uni in September. In his free time he's geeking out, making travel plans, and pretending to not be madly in love with Kitty.
A-L is now working in export sales at the publisher, trying to keep cat hair off black clothes, and has recently started blogging again. In her free time, she's teaching herself the third person reflexive.
Scottish Flatmate Paul passed his third year exams and will start fourth year at Edinburgh Uni in September. In his free time he's geeking out, making travel plans, and pretending to not be madly in love with Kitty.
A-L is now working in export sales at the publisher, trying to keep cat hair off black clothes, and has recently started blogging again. In her free time, she's teaching herself the third person reflexive.
Kitty Care
Stuart is in charge of Kitty care while I'm Stateside. Worryingly, a couple days before I left, this conversation took place:
A-L: Do you still have the keys to the flat?
Stuart: Yeah, do you want them back?
A-L: Uh, no. You might need them to get into the flat to feed and comb and love and play with Kitty.
Stuart: Oh yeah.
A-L: Do you still have the keys to the flat?
Stuart: Yeah, do you want them back?
A-L: Uh, no. You might need them to get into the flat to feed and comb and love and play with Kitty.
Stuart: Oh yeah.
The Holloway Family Reunion
You missed it. We've been having reunions since 1960, and every two years since 1980, and it's over for another two years. The reunion was held this past weekend at the fairgrounds near Hood River, Oregon. Pictures to follow soon.
There was a bit of beer involved. And on Saturday night, there was music. And beer + music + family reunions = Cousin Tygh doing 'the worm'. And my dad had a bit of beer as well. Which led to this conversation the next day:
A-L: Peter had a bit of beer last night.
Cousin Steve: Yeah, he was havin' a good time.
A-L: I had to leave when he started doing the moonwalk.
Cousin Steve: No, I saw you around after that. He started moonwalking at about 7:30p.m.
A-L: During the auction?
Cousin Steve: Yeah.
A-L: Well, when my mom and I left at about 11:30pm I said to her, 'I hope someone puts your husband to bed.' That's when he was moonwalking in the middle of the circle of people dancing, right before Tygh did 'the worm'.
Cousin Steve: Yeah, if Tygh was doin' it, Peter was tryin' it.
There was a bit of beer involved. And on Saturday night, there was music. And beer + music + family reunions = Cousin Tygh doing 'the worm'. And my dad had a bit of beer as well. Which led to this conversation the next day:
A-L: Peter had a bit of beer last night.
Cousin Steve: Yeah, he was havin' a good time.
A-L: I had to leave when he started doing the moonwalk.
Cousin Steve: No, I saw you around after that. He started moonwalking at about 7:30p.m.
A-L: During the auction?
Cousin Steve: Yeah.
A-L: Well, when my mom and I left at about 11:30pm I said to her, 'I hope someone puts your husband to bed.' That's when he was moonwalking in the middle of the circle of people dancing, right before Tygh did 'the worm'.
Cousin Steve: Yeah, if Tygh was doin' it, Peter was tryin' it.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Construction Cards
It's a shame. This site has been neglected for far too long. I know I've lost my loyal readership by now. So, what can I do? I'll start posting and hope you rediscover my blog. Or, I'll post articles about Viagra and Botox in hopes of attracting a new, perhaps more vain, readership.
Forgive me. Life has been busy. A veritable whirlwind. Yes, I can write such silly things, as no one is reading this. Here's the update:
Kyle was here from L.A., and has gone. Paul's underpants were left untouched. (See previous comments section.) Kyle saw The Royal Botanic Gardens, Arthur's Seat, the outside of the Castle, Parliament, Holyrood Palace; inside of the National Museum of Scotland, and enjoyed food, beverages and/or music at Spoon, The City Cafe, Kebab Mahal, The Left Bank, Whistle Binkies and Star Bar. Don't know of these places, dear reader? Then come visit. Unless you're some creep who's just happened upon this web site.
Aila was playing cards with my sister last week, and apparently the card with the instructions on it was dealt. "Mommy, don't play with that card. It's the construction card," said Aila. "We don't play with the construction card." Too bad more people don't understand the constructs of the game.
Work is busy.
German classes are on hold for now.
July will be my next journey home.
Forgive me. Life has been busy. A veritable whirlwind. Yes, I can write such silly things, as no one is reading this. Here's the update:
Kyle was here from L.A., and has gone. Paul's underpants were left untouched. (See previous comments section.) Kyle saw The Royal Botanic Gardens, Arthur's Seat, the outside of the Castle, Parliament, Holyrood Palace; inside of the National Museum of Scotland, and enjoyed food, beverages and/or music at Spoon, The City Cafe, Kebab Mahal, The Left Bank, Whistle Binkies and Star Bar. Don't know of these places, dear reader? Then come visit. Unless you're some creep who's just happened upon this web site.
Aila was playing cards with my sister last week, and apparently the card with the instructions on it was dealt. "Mommy, don't play with that card. It's the construction card," said Aila. "We don't play with the construction card." Too bad more people don't understand the constructs of the game.
Work is busy.
German classes are on hold for now.
July will be my next journey home.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Interpol and Bengalese House Cats
Edinburgh is abuzz with the news of Dave and Caroline's engagement...but alas, there is other news to report.
I had to fill out a Disclosure Form for my work at the local college, so they can check if I have a police record. I was sitting in the HR office, showing identification, and trying to act professional, when the man says this: "Since you haven't lived in the UK for the past 5 years, they'll need to check your record with Interpol".
What?? My face lit up. Interpol? What will I wear? I can't believe it. Next thing you know I'll be on '60 Minutes', or in a witness protection program. My parents will be so proud.
And then, when I thought it couldn't get any better... today Paul took Kitty to the vet to get her stitches removed (from the splaying) and the vet asked him: "Do you know if she has any Bengalese in her? That might explain her shiny coat and her small size."
And her tiger stripes, maybe?? We have a Bengalese domestic tiger on our hands, and I just got her tubes tied. I'm looking into reversing the procedure...
I had to fill out a Disclosure Form for my work at the local college, so they can check if I have a police record. I was sitting in the HR office, showing identification, and trying to act professional, when the man says this: "Since you haven't lived in the UK for the past 5 years, they'll need to check your record with Interpol".
What?? My face lit up. Interpol? What will I wear? I can't believe it. Next thing you know I'll be on '60 Minutes', or in a witness protection program. My parents will be so proud.
And then, when I thought it couldn't get any better... today Paul took Kitty to the vet to get her stitches removed (from the splaying) and the vet asked him: "Do you know if she has any Bengalese in her? That might explain her shiny coat and her small size."
And her tiger stripes, maybe?? We have a Bengalese domestic tiger on our hands, and I just got her tubes tied. I'm looking into reversing the procedure...
Hyphenations
Caroline and Dave are engaged. Congratulations!And they have me and Boly Welch - a Portland temp agency - to thank. The seed of their relationship was planted much earlier (perhaps when my mother left Finland for America with the sole purpose of bearing me so that I could unite Dave and Caroline) but I'm only going to go back so far as 2001.
I had moved back to Portland, and had bills to pay, so I signed up at a temp agency. They soon found work for me at a company they said made 'security alarms'. Well, it was Tripwire, that famous data network integrity software provider, so all had a good laugh about burglar alarms.
And then I got to work, finding geek husbands for my social worker/teacher friends.
I promptly decided that Caroline should marry one of the programmers, Will Ball. For one very good reason: she could hyphenate her name and be Caroline Bowles-Ball. I even had a vision one night, in which an angel presented me with stationery that said "Dr. and Dr. Bowles-Ball". It was a short-lived dream, as I had never spoken to Will, and could find no way to sensibly broach the topic. Although I did rehearse: "Will, I'd like you to get a PhD, and marry my friend Caroline and then hyphenate your name." It never sounded quite right.
So, somewhere along the way, because of me - and Boly Welch - she met Dave, who worked at Tripwire. And they fell in love. And now they're getting married. And I don't care if she hyphenates her name. But she MUST name her first born after me. Even if it's a boy.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Family Web Site
The following exchange appeared on our family's web site. Are other families discussing such pressing matters as well?
Mouse Watch 2006
Mouse Watch 2006
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