A-L: Do you remember that song about Christmas in Africa?
Maria: Yeah. With WHAM! What's the name of the guy who produced that video?
A-L: I have no idea. Oh wait, Bob Geldof. Sorry, it's actually Sir Bob Geldof.
Maria: Says who?
A-L: The Queen. I guess. She changed his name. With a wand, I think. And so the Brits have to call him Sir Bob. But the Americans don't.
Maria: Because we don't believe in the Queen?
A-L: Exactly. It's the same with Dame Judi Dench.
Maria: Who? Oh yeah, Judi Dench. You threw me off with the whole Dame thing. What's the hierarchy? Is Lady better than Dame or Maiden?
A-L: I'm sure Google knows. But last time I checked they don't hand out the title Maiden. Did you know that Camilla Parker-Bowles is The Duchess of Rothesay when she's in Scotland?
Maria: Only when she's in Scotland? What is she when she's in England?
A-L: Um, I'll leave that one to the comedians. And the Queen's husband, Prince Philip, is known as The Duke of Edinburgh, among other things. And there's a Princess who's known as Princess Michael of Kent, because her husband's name is Michael, I think.
Maria: Well, by that logic, wouldn't that make the Queen's husband Prince Elizabeth, The Duchess of Edinburgh? And what's Fergie known as now?
A-L: Don't bring up the F-word. Or the other one.
Maria: My mother-in-law loves the other one, Princess Diana.
A-L: I think now she's known as the Princess formerly known as Diana. She changed it to get out of some contract with Sony, or the Queen.
Friday, December 30, 2005
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Nativity
The nativity play begins at 10:00 a.m. I have been commissioned to photograph the production. Gloria the babysitter is worried that baby Jesus (Annais) will be cranky. Aila, the Princess/Wiseman, has had a cough, and this morning the Christ child sounded congested. Report to follow.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Gross
So, I was walking the dog in my sister's neighborhood, minding my own business (publishing) and then 'the neighbor' pulls up...
Neighbor: Ohmigod, are you Maria's sister? You look exactly like her.
A-L to herself: We have the same parents, and they look alike.
A-L to neighbor: Yeah, people always say that.
Neighbor: Ohmigosh, so, are you home alone? What have you been doing? How long have you been here? Are you enjoying your visit?
A-L to herself: I'm old enough to stay home alone.
A-L to Rudy: Oh, I've been helping my sister out, and relaxing a bit.
Rudy: Ohmigod, do you want me to show you around the Coachella Valley? Aren't you bored at home alone?
A-L to herself: Not that bored.
A-L to Rudy: Oh, I've been here before. I'm enjoying spending time alone. Did I mention I have bird flu? (cough, cough)
Rudy turns car engine off.
Rudy: Have you been to the casinos?
A-L: I don't gamble.
Rudy: You don't have to gamble. How old are you?
A-L: Twenty-nin...uh, thirty.
Rudy: Do you drink?
A-L: I'm a recovering alcoholic.
Rudy: You look so much like your sister. I thought you were Maria, except she's smaller. You're more husky.
What????? I'm husky???? Where the hell did that come from?? First I was being invited to a seedy evening of blackjack and G & T's and now I'm HUSKY???
Neighbor: Ohmigod, are you Maria's sister? You look exactly like her.
A-L to herself: We have the same parents, and they look alike.
A-L to neighbor: Yeah, people always say that.
Neighbor: Ohmigosh, so, are you home alone? What have you been doing? How long have you been here? Are you enjoying your visit?
A-L to herself: I'm old enough to stay home alone.
A-L to Rudy: Oh, I've been helping my sister out, and relaxing a bit.
Rudy: Ohmigod, do you want me to show you around the Coachella Valley? Aren't you bored at home alone?
A-L to herself: Not that bored.
A-L to Rudy: Oh, I've been here before. I'm enjoying spending time alone. Did I mention I have bird flu? (cough, cough)
Rudy turns car engine off.
Rudy: Have you been to the casinos?
A-L: I don't gamble.
Rudy: You don't have to gamble. How old are you?
A-L: Twenty-nin...uh, thirty.
Rudy: Do you drink?
A-L: I'm a recovering alcoholic.
Rudy: You look so much like your sister. I thought you were Maria, except she's smaller. You're more husky.
What????? I'm husky???? Where the hell did that come from?? First I was being invited to a seedy evening of blackjack and G & T's and now I'm HUSKY???
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
The Nativity
Maria: Can you get Aila a princess outfit?
A-L: Ummm, yeah.
Maria: They're having a princess parade at daycare on Thursday. I need to check with Gloria to find out exactly what Aila needs.
A-L: Ummm, ok.
Three hours later...
Maria: Turns out Aila needs a princess outfit because they don't have enough wisemen at daycare so instead they're having princesses.
A-L: That's a bit different than a princess parade.
Maria: Annais is going to be baby Jesus. So, can you also get some swaddling clothes for our little Christ child?
A-L: Can't you just wrap her in a sheet?
Maria: No, Gloria [the babysitter] wants the costumes to be shiny.
A-L: Baby Jesus didn't wear sequins. Or get visited by princesses.
Maria: Maybe Wal-Mart will have something.
A-L: Ummm, yeah.
Maria: They're having a princess parade at daycare on Thursday. I need to check with Gloria to find out exactly what Aila needs.
A-L: Ummm, ok.
Three hours later...
Maria: Turns out Aila needs a princess outfit because they don't have enough wisemen at daycare so instead they're having princesses.
A-L: That's a bit different than a princess parade.
Maria: Annais is going to be baby Jesus. So, can you also get some swaddling clothes for our little Christ child?
A-L: Can't you just wrap her in a sheet?
Maria: No, Gloria [the babysitter] wants the costumes to be shiny.
A-L: Baby Jesus didn't wear sequins. Or get visited by princesses.
Maria: Maybe Wal-Mart will have something.
Monday, December 12, 2005
Talking Baby
Saturday -
Maria: Annais said her first word today.
A-L: Who's Annais?
Maria: She's the baby I had in May.
A-L: Oh yeah. What did he say?
Maria: She. She said 'da da'.
A-L: I'm not impressed. Babies, even quite young ones, can easily imitate sounds that those around them are making. How old is she?
Maria: She was born in May. May 23rd.
A-L: Not bad. But call me back when she's fluent is something more than 'da da'.
Sunday-
Irma: Hi. Annais is talking.
A-L: I know, I spoke to Maria yesterday. I heard she said 'da da'.
Irma: Oh no, this is better. I was holding her just now and she said 'ok'.
A-L: That's it? Just 'ok', not 'great' or 'super'? I guess it's pretty good for a six month old...
Monday (at work) -
A-L: The baby is talking.
Co-workers: Really?
A-L: Yeah, she said 'da da' and then on Sunday she said 'ok'.
Co-workers: How old is the baby?
A-L: She'll be seven months on the 23rd.
And then the co-workers looked at each other like I was a compulsive liar. Note to self: Don't tell anyone about talking baby niece.
Maria: Annais said her first word today.
A-L: Who's Annais?
Maria: She's the baby I had in May.
A-L: Oh yeah. What did he say?
Maria: She. She said 'da da'.
A-L: I'm not impressed. Babies, even quite young ones, can easily imitate sounds that those around them are making. How old is she?
Maria: She was born in May. May 23rd.
A-L: Not bad. But call me back when she's fluent is something more than 'da da'.
Sunday-
Irma: Hi. Annais is talking.
A-L: I know, I spoke to Maria yesterday. I heard she said 'da da'.
Irma: Oh no, this is better. I was holding her just now and she said 'ok'.
A-L: That's it? Just 'ok', not 'great' or 'super'? I guess it's pretty good for a six month old...
Monday (at work) -
A-L: The baby is talking.
Co-workers: Really?
A-L: Yeah, she said 'da da' and then on Sunday she said 'ok'.
Co-workers: How old is the baby?
A-L: She'll be seven months on the 23rd.
And then the co-workers looked at each other like I was a compulsive liar. Note to self: Don't tell anyone about talking baby niece.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Challenge
Paul: I challenge you to write a post that doesn't include the words "Kitty", "Finnish", "Finland" or "Aila".
A-L: Are you trying to destroy my blog?
Paul: No, I'm your friend. I'm trying to help you expand your reader base.
A-L: Don't throw fancy marketing speak at me. I'll get a dictionary. Which is what we should get Ted for Christmas: A Polish/English dictionary.
Paul: If you bought Ted a Polish/English dictionary for Christmas it would essentially be a gift for you.
A-L: Clever, huh? Then I could indoctrinate him in Irma's gospel of Finnish nurse's hygiene.
Paul: You can't even type three sentences without writing the word 'Finnish'.
A-L: Looks like you can't either.
A-L: Are you trying to destroy my blog?
Paul: No, I'm your friend. I'm trying to help you expand your reader base.
A-L: Don't throw fancy marketing speak at me. I'll get a dictionary. Which is what we should get Ted for Christmas: A Polish/English dictionary.
Paul: If you bought Ted a Polish/English dictionary for Christmas it would essentially be a gift for you.
A-L: Clever, huh? Then I could indoctrinate him in Irma's gospel of Finnish nurse's hygiene.
Paul: You can't even type three sentences without writing the word 'Finnish'.
A-L: Looks like you can't either.
Social Circles
A-L (singing): Theee fiiiirrrrsssst nnooooooeeel, thhheeee first noel
Paul: Who was telling me about someone born on Christmas day whose name is Noel? Was it you?
A-L: No, but I know someone born in December whose name is Noelle.
Paul: Who was telling me that, I mean, if it wasn't you? I don't talk to anyone else. I haven't left our living room in 33 days.
A-L: Ummm, maybe Kitty told you. Or did you read it online?
Paul: Yeah, I probably read it online.
Paul: Who was telling me about someone born on Christmas day whose name is Noel? Was it you?
A-L: No, but I know someone born in December whose name is Noelle.
Paul: Who was telling me that, I mean, if it wasn't you? I don't talk to anyone else. I haven't left our living room in 33 days.
A-L: Ummm, maybe Kitty told you. Or did you read it online?
Paul: Yeah, I probably read it online.
Moving Day
Paul: Hey, A-L, when are you moving out?
A-L: What? Are you trying to get rid of me?
Paul: No, when are you leaving for California?
A-L: Oh, on the 17th. Are you renting out my room while I'm gone?
Paul: No, it would be too much of a hassle. It would take too long to explain everything. Can you imagine having to explain Ted to a new flatmate? "This is Ted. He doesn't feed the cat. He teases her, and sometimes he locks her in the bathroom, accidentally. And his room stinks." It would take weeks to explain.
A-L: Yes, I suppose that's reason enough not to rent out my room while I'm gone...
A-L: What? Are you trying to get rid of me?
Paul: No, when are you leaving for California?
A-L: Oh, on the 17th. Are you renting out my room while I'm gone?
Paul: No, it would be too much of a hassle. It would take too long to explain everything. Can you imagine having to explain Ted to a new flatmate? "This is Ted. He doesn't feed the cat. He teases her, and sometimes he locks her in the bathroom, accidentally. And his room stinks." It would take weeks to explain.
A-L: Yes, I suppose that's reason enough not to rent out my room while I'm gone...
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
The Words Were Out of My Mouth Before I Knew It
So at Ted's party I was talking with Katie and Stuart about their niece Hannah, who turned 1 in August. Apparently she's an adorable genius. And they have proof. Hannah was at daycare, and one of the adults asked her "is your dad picking you up today?" So Hannah said something, seemingly unintelligible. And then the two-year-old standing next to her said to the lady, "no, Hannah's dad is at University today." Apparently Hannah's dad was at University that day, and this information could not have come from anyone other than Hannah, as none of the adults at the daycare knew that he had gone back to school. So, Katie and Stuart take this as proof of Hannah's genius. Fair enough. Although I think the two-year old also deserves some credit for interpreting. But I didn't mention this. I didn't want to burst their "our niece is a genius bubble." So, instead I said:
"Well, does your niece speak Spanish?"
"Well, does your niece speak Spanish?"
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Multi-Loyal
I know that cats have never been prized for their loyalty, but since I'm usually 'the Feeder of the cat' I am the recipient of loyal behaviour, however faux it might be.
The current situation is quite different. Kitty has deserted. Paul, who does not buy her food or change her litter tray, or pay her vet bills, is apparently her favourite. (Ironically, she is sitting in my lap, for the first time in weeks, as I type this. Cats are also manipulative.) So, Kitty has 'gone off me', as the British would say. She lets Paul hold her, and she jumps into his lap where she will happily sit for hours. If I so much as look at her, she will run from the room. Teenagers.
The current situation is quite different. Kitty has deserted. Paul, who does not buy her food or change her litter tray, or pay her vet bills, is apparently her favourite. (Ironically, she is sitting in my lap, for the first time in weeks, as I type this. Cats are also manipulative.) So, Kitty has 'gone off me', as the British would say. She lets Paul hold her, and she jumps into his lap where she will happily sit for hours. If I so much as look at her, she will run from the room. Teenagers.
Christmas Cards
Paul: What's that list you're writing?
A-L: Christmas card list.
Paul: It's very long.
A-L: I have thousands of friends.
Paul: And you send all of them Christmas cards?
A-L: Unfortunately it's the only time all year that I write to most of them. So I think it's important to keep it up. And, how else am I supposed to generate Christmas cards? That's why I send them out in early December, and when I e-mail everyone to ask for their address, I give them mine.
Paul: You're going to the States on the 17th, that doesn't give people much time to get their cards to you. You'll have to get yours out soon.
A-L: I never said the cards have to arrive here before I leave for the States. In fact, I want to walk back in the door and have a stack of at least 10 waiting for me.
Paul: You're sending out 603, I think you'll get more than 10 back. And how do you decide who doesn't get a card?
A-L: That's easy. I don't send cards to people who I haven't spoken to, or had contact with (via e-mail), for a time period longer than that for which I knew and had regular contact for them. For example, I knew Stella for a year and a half, haven't spoken to or heard from her for two years, she's off the list. A very simple equation. And I don't send cards to my Jewish friends.
Paul: Don't you send them Hannukah cards? I think you should.
A-L: They don't send me Christmas cards.
A-L: Christmas card list.
Paul: It's very long.
A-L: I have thousands of friends.
Paul: And you send all of them Christmas cards?
A-L: Unfortunately it's the only time all year that I write to most of them. So I think it's important to keep it up. And, how else am I supposed to generate Christmas cards? That's why I send them out in early December, and when I e-mail everyone to ask for their address, I give them mine.
Paul: You're going to the States on the 17th, that doesn't give people much time to get their cards to you. You'll have to get yours out soon.
A-L: I never said the cards have to arrive here before I leave for the States. In fact, I want to walk back in the door and have a stack of at least 10 waiting for me.
Paul: You're sending out 603, I think you'll get more than 10 back. And how do you decide who doesn't get a card?
A-L: That's easy. I don't send cards to people who I haven't spoken to, or had contact with (via e-mail), for a time period longer than that for which I knew and had regular contact for them. For example, I knew Stella for a year and a half, haven't spoken to or heard from her for two years, she's off the list. A very simple equation. And I don't send cards to my Jewish friends.
Paul: Don't you send them Hannukah cards? I think you should.
A-L: They don't send me Christmas cards.
Cat Flu
For the most part I have received nice messages from friends and family wishing me a speedy recovery from this flu. From my father, however, I received this e-mail: "Your mother thinks it's cat allergies."
Operation Laptop
Dear Fans, Friends and Readers,
Operation Laptop restoration is under way. Pete has sent two, yes two, e-mails giving advice on how to resucitate it. Paul is performing minor surgery as we speak, so I am using Paul's laptop. It's not the same. The genius doesn't flow.
More later,
A-L
Operation Laptop restoration is under way. Pete has sent two, yes two, e-mails giving advice on how to resucitate it. Paul is performing minor surgery as we speak, so I am using Paul's laptop. It's not the same. The genius doesn't flow.
More later,
A-L
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