File Systems

If you were filing something for Ice-T, the rap musician, would you file it under "T, Ice" or "Ice T"?

Today I saw him filed as "T, Ice".

Censor

My mom's sister, Ritva, reads this blog, which totally affects the content posted on this site. For example, I have a friend, Paul, who lives in Portland and is hilarious, but I can't post links to his two blogs on here because his blogs are blasphemous, and I wouldn't want Ritva tati, who is also my sister's godmother, to know that I associate with someone who calls himself the Mormon Pope, and has a web site dedicated to tasteless cartoons. And I also can't mention that my sister, who baptized the *first* baby Catholic, and is baptizing the *second* baby Lutheran, jokingly promised the Mormon Pope that if she has a *third* baby, she will baptize it Mormon, in his honor.

Whistle-Stop Tour

So Paul was in town last night for, like, a couple hours. He drove down from Elgin to pick up Gerry and Judy at the airport, Prestwick Airport, the airport of false economy.

Anna-Lisa: "You know, flights into Prestwick are alwaaaaaaaaays cheaper."

Paul: "Yes."

Anna-Lisa: "You know why?"

Paul: "Because they're into Prestwick."

Anna-Lisa: "Where's Prestwick?"

Paul: "Exactly. That's the point."

Anna-Lisa: "Indeed, false economy."

Paul: "And Judy said I promised to pick them up at the airport. Although I don't remember saying that."

Anna-Lisa: "Where are they flying in from?"

Paul: "Rome. They were at the wedding of Gerry's friend."

Anna-Lisa: "Is he Romanian?"

Paul: "Yes."

Edinburgh Update

Dear Paul,

As per your e-mail of some hours ago, I shall indeed give you an update of all things recent in Edinburgh.

Last week, as you may have heard, there was a bomb scare on the number 12 bus, and Princes Street was shut down. It was Thursday, so all the shoppers had their Thursday-evening shopping interrupted. Stu, Stu, Katie and I whiled away the evening hours in a pub. We felt safe. We were underground and in a bunker-like compartment. Eva Braun was there. Just kidding.

Ted, our Pole, ate your ice cream and thought it was mine so he bought me a replacement ice cream, which is really yours, which I have been eating.

On Saturday Stu and I took the Pole for a walk. We visited the swan pond, and then headed for the Royal Botanic Gardens, again, and then Ted said, "I feel 20."

Work is going very well. I live in a room at work with 5 others, and they are kind and good.

The frickin' Lothian Bus drivers decided to strike today, which left many, many morning commuters mourning the fact that they had forsaken the last First Bus that passed, including me. I was never so happy to see a First Bus.

And no Edinburgh report would be complete without wondering where the heck that Martin Little has gone? Where are you, Martin Little?

I am expecting an update on Elgin.

My Neighbor, Sort of

So John Knox apparently lives across the street from where I work. Well, lived, I suppose, but I'm not one for splitting hares. The John Knox House is literally, a stone's throw away. But I'm not about to go throwing anything at the home of the "Scotch Protestant leader", being a Protestant myself. And I often get a hearty chuckle out of folks when I pronounce it as "protest"ant, as it should be. Why is that funny? That's what we are (the Protestant "we", not the royal "we".) Which brings me to Princess Anne's horrible grammar. Excuse me, I mean "the Princess Royal's" atrocious grammar. She was on the telly last week congratulating the city of London on being awarded the 2012 Olympic Games, and she said something to this effect: "the team have worked hard for this", or something like that. Basically, the Princess used the word "team" in concert with a plural verb. Actually, I think she said "the team are." I flipped! So my dear flatmate, Paul, who I haven't seen since that very evening, was appalled that I, a peasant from the colonies, dare to question the grammar one of the Royals. I was so astounded I almost called my sister right then and there, and risk waking up two under two, just so that Maria could calmly explain that "team" is singular. Unfortunately I don't have Princess Anne's mobile number, so having grammar-Maria "on the horn" would not have done much good. So I decided to do the diplomatic thing and say that is must just be a difference between British and American English, and headed to bed, to pray that Mrs. Bettencourt, my high school English teacher, will know that I am forever grateful that she taught this peasant from the colonies that team ain't no plural word. And then I cried myself to sleep. And the next day, one of the very talented editors at work confirmed the singularity of the word "team", and I rejoiced that all of the money my parents spent on my Catholic education was not in vain. Oh, back to the Protestants, my sister had her *first* baby baptized Catholic, and the *second* baby is going to be a Lutheran, a "Protest"ant. I can't wait til the little one is nailing theses on the older one's door. Now that would make a fabulous interdenominational Christmas card.

The Sequel

So when we were at the wedding in Ireland, Stuart's granda casually mentioned that the week before he had been to four funerals, which led to talk of a sequel to that silly movie with Hugh Grant, but maybe one aimed at the "silver" generation: Four Funerals and A Wedding.

Chicken Portraiture

My friend John takes a mean chicken portrait. Non? Above are Scout and Scratch, his chicken-son and chicken-daughter. (You might recognise them from his blog: My Life With Chickens. (Note: not MY life, but HIS life, but "His Life With Chickens" was taken.)

Forget law school, and the summer work at the Attorney General's office, you have a future in farm animal portraiture. A big future. Attorney General, Shmattorney General.

Book of Scottish Poems

Every Scottish, and Scots language-loving, person should own this funny book of poems: Blethertoun Braes.

Sorrento Cheese Italian Festival of Buffalo

I think I know where my friend Craig B. will be July 14 - 17 . . . am I right, or am I a Buffalo Italian??

Texans in Edinburgh

This morning there were Texans on the bus. The first one to board was a man, who asked the bus driver - in a voice 16 times louder than anyone over here as EVER spoken - for a "DAY PASS." It's called a Day Saver. Duh.

So these two 60ish couples sat behind me, and talked of pressed ham and cheese sandwiches. Why "pressed" ham? Because the guy almost leaned back in his backpack against the sandwiches.

So I turned to the lady behind me and asked where they were from.

"Texas, in the United States."

And her husband had the most fantastic Texas drawl, and he spoke without moving his mouth.

Where in Texas?

"Deep in the heart of Texas. Brownwood."

"Too close to George Bush," added his wife.

And then the man said that their plan for the day was, "to get on the train and get off somewhere."

And then Stuart gave them the name of a town they MUST visit. And we exited, leaving the Texans, and a bus full of stunned Edinburghers who COULD NOT believe that people were actually talking to each other, out loud. And without moving their mouths.

My Sister On Artificial Sweeteners

Maria: "Have you heard of that new fake sweetener, Splenda?"

Anna-Lisa: "Yeah, I have. Fake sugar is gross."

Maria: "Sooo gross. I had a piece of cake made with Splenda, and it totally tasted weird."

Anna-Lisa: "Gross."

Maria: "Yeah, after I ate the cake I had a really weird taste in my mouth, and then I burped and it tasted like chlorine."

Anna-Lisa: "Totally gross."

Maria: "Totally. So I asked Tina (cousin Tina who is also a Registered Dietician) what Splenda is. And she said that they (read: the evil scientists of the world) took a sugar molecule and removed something and added three chlorine atoms."

Anna-Lisa: "Gross."

Maria: "Totally gross."

Turns out Cousin Tina was right: read more. Gross.

Dora and Aila

It's been more than 3 days since I posted photos of Aila, so here she is. And her little friend Dora the Explorer with her monkey companion Boots.

My Sister on World Politics

Maria: "Have you been to Estonia?"

A-L: "No, have you?"

Maria: "Yes, it's beautiful. It looks like Finland except f***** up by the Russians."

There you have it folks, my sister on communism.

Anna-Lisas of the World

Believe it or not, there are other Anna-Lisas. It takes a while to comprehend. There are people trading on my good name.

Shall we meet them?

There's a lady in Sweden who calls herself by my name. She sounds boring. And another one posing as me, although not very convincingly, in Syndney. And a really fun looking Anna-Lisa, also in Sweden.

Well, now that you've met all of us, the tour is over.

The Pauls' Holidays

So one Paul went to Brussels, and the other Paul reported this from a recent holiday adventure:

And beyond that, the Godhead IIskimmed the outer borders of the Scientology System, a bright and horrible place with gravity which targets money and sucks it down its white-toothed maw, where it's channeled into the heart of Hubbard VII, a crimson gas giant, alive with operating thetans who use the money to purchase materiel [sic] for the long-waged Psychiatry Wars.

Thanks for those reports, Pauls.

Good Food

There's an "inter-denominational" church across the street from my new place of employment that runs a cafe. Not a soup kitchen, although they do serve soup. Today I had a salami, pesto, sun dried tomato sandwich and dutch apple cake. More breaking news later.

Spike Lee

Spike Lee's telephone number is in my Microsoft Outlook contacts file at my new job. Haven't had reason to phone him, yet. And if I ever do, I can't tell you about it because that's confidential information. So mind your own business.

Finnish Food

Jacques Chirac is sooooo totally not invited to the next Finnish Festival.

Funny Things That Happened in Ireland (cont.)

4. When the 9-year-old boy whose parents run Barnabrow Country House, where we stayed told us: "I get free drinks."

Oh the perks.

Funny Things That Happened in Ireland

3. Catherine (the bride) made envelopes for all the people she had to pay at the wedding (the band, the church, the singer) and there was one that said "Piper". Yes, you must pay him.